This week I’ve got round to something which has been nearly EIGHT years in the making.

A few years back was the start of the world changing for us. Since then Hawklad has experienced losing his mum, two grannies, an uncle and a niece. Not to mention several pets. Hard enough for a grizzled, well weathered muppet like me, unimaginably tough for a child who was only 8 when the world started changing.

I’ve always tried to find the right words for Hawklad, being open to whatever he needs to get through this but being brutally honest, I’ve tended to skim over some really important areas when it comes to how I’m getting through this. Definitely putting off making sense of what death and loss truly mean, I don’t think I was ready for that. Now it kinda feels like it’s been put off long enough.

The hotel we stayed at in Switzerland had a beautiful reading room, filled with books in German, French, Italian and English. In the English section I noticed on our last trip a fine collection of CS Lewis books. Plenty of the expected magical adventures but amongst those was a clearly well thumbed little book. This was his diary on GRIEF, talking about what he was thinking and struggling with during the weeks after he had lost his wife. Even back then, I could quickly tell that it wasn’t an easy read and that was before our world changing. I remember carefully putting the book back, thinking ‘thankfully not yet…”. It soon would be….. yet I always put off visiting those pages.

Now in 2024, it’s time to read that book as it has a huge relevance to me, AND now I feel I’m ready to open some of those closed doors.

Images from that last Switzerland adventure when that book was still not required….

75 thoughts on “8 Years”

  3. It’s distressing to see a loved one going through death (another recent even for me), just as it is to see a loved one giving birth or have to go through any strong discomfort. To then be left for years on, without the loved one’s presence and no future hearing their voice of “Pass the tissues please” or ask “I want to know, come on, tell me what the muppet did” or see them smile at a repeated dad joke. When we cannot do any more for them, they’ve gone, but we so want to still have the privilege of being able to help, share, love. It’s brutal, it’s a locked door from here on in and yet they are just a thought away, but that we get to decide what thoughts we hold on to, most of the time, to begin perhaps their last moments can dominate our minds for a while. I truly want to hold onto the other memories, but us humans have to give it time, each needs different lengths and ways to live with grief.

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      1. If I had the choice between good memories and the person going through their last days over and over and over again, I’d choose good memories every time.

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  5. I will be thinking of you and sending prayers on this journey. It’s difficult to walk through our grief again and yet with time we can learn so much about our feelings and the growth (no matter how difficult) that has come with it.

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  6. Hawklad has already seen so much sorrow in his young life. This reminds me of my recently deceased brother-in-law who left behind not only his wife, siblings and children but his grandchildren, the youngest of whom is only 11. Aidan has already lost his father, his uncle and now his Grandpa. Every day he sends a text to his Grandpa’s phone which says “I love you, Grandpa”. My heart breaks thinking how much our young ones are suffering and how confused and angry they must be. God bless.

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  7. Makes me think of several things, I just gave “Grief Observed,” to my devastated brother whose young and healthy wife recently died in sudden minutes of a vascular hemmorhage, and of Tony Judt’s, “The Memory Chalet,” about his dying from ALS, and his retreat to his memory chalet in Switzerland. I am just now watching “Freud’s Last Session,” about a fictional meeting between Freud and Lewis. I am glad you are reading Lewis. Sending love to you and to your son.

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  9. I don’t know if it helps to know that you’re not alone in the grief trip. I have too many friends who’ve walked that path. It must be especially hard when you have a child to carry along with you, and you have to stay ‘in control’. I hope the book helps.

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  10. Such beautiful pictures, my friend. They lift the spirits. No two people handle grief in the same way, for it is a very personal thing, it is what resides in our core, it is who we are now and who we were … before. Nobody can tell you how you should feel, or when the pain should lessen. But know that one day … one day you will waken and feel just a little tiny bit better, happier, less like the walls are closing in. Breathe, my friend, take joy in Hawklad and nature. And know that someday you WILL go back to Switzerland, the place of your memories & dreams. Hugs

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      3. I hope so … I have long wished to see them … I think it would be an awesome experience, and I’m really glad you got to see them. There are so many streetlights her in da ‘hood that we probably wouldn’t see them even if they came this far south.

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  16. That book being there would seem to have been prescient. I think we often get signs from the Universe but we don’t often recognise them. These years have been so difficult for you and covid being thrown in you have had a lot to cope with. But you and Hawklad have overcome so much. A trip to Switzerland must be on your horizon.

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  18. CS Lewis is a wonderful writer. I didn’t know he had written a memoir about grief. It sounds like you’re ready to go through the book. I hope it brings catharsis, inspiration and also connection for you, Gary.

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      1. I think depending on where one is on the grieving process, brutal honesty can sometimes be refreshing. I’ll have to look up this work. Thanks for sharing it!

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      1. have you read the Screwtape Letters? it’s pretty wild..i read it any years ago. For the first few chapters i was confused about what was actually happening..but it’s pretty deep.

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      5. also there’s a sequal to the screwtape letters called “Screwtape Proposes a Toast” which could be interesting because it addresses “British society, education, and Public attitudes”

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  21. I don’t think it was just “chance” that put that book in your way in the past. The memory of it stayed with you until now. I pray that it will help you with your grief journey. C.S. Lewis is a good choice to read. There have also been two movies about Lewis’ marriage and his wife’s death. I have the one with Anthony Hopkins, but I have not seen the other version. Both are titled “Shadowlands”.

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  22. On the subject of Grief -I find that living in the past is very painful and probably not helpful. Of course sadness creeps in when the lost opportunities are contemplated, but if I reflects on what the lost one(s) would have wanted, if that person could communicate a wish for how to live, then the choices become much clearer.

    With love, and wishes for positive progress in your process to come to terms with the situation.

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