That kinda day, just grim….

This afternoon we drove to a city on the coast, to Hull, visiting its large £50 million pound aquarium, The Deep. So many memories flooded back walking around the maze of tanks and glass tunnels.

The last time we had ventured here was when Hawklad was about 4. The three of us came with his Dutch friend and parents. Life was way different then, preschool Nursery was working out really well, Hawklad was flourishing with loads of friends. A never ending succession of meet-ups at various houses, parks and attractions. On top of family and work contacts, it felt like a socially full and connected world. Aspergers was still a year or so away from really knocking on our front door.

So many thoughts now…..

Piggy backs looking at the fish now replaced by someone towering over me. That bubbly child who would run up to anyone and excitedly tell them all about the sharks, now we carefully pick the moment to look at the tanks, waiting for the crowds to part and plenty of space to appear. Now we are a family of two (four counting mad pets) with a barren social diary. All the families and friends from Nursery have long since dispersed, including the Dutch family. Home based Work and College is proving socially isolating. Our Family Photos seem to feature fewer and fewer loved ones.

It’s a sobering thought, just how quickly life can change, just how easily people can become cut off and isolated within this increasingly noisy world. The other prevailing thought came from watching the various sea creatures effortlessly change direction in the large, populated tanks. At times with me it definitely felt like rudderless sailing, buffeted by the storms of life. Definitely not feeling much like effortless and intentional changes of direction of my part. But who’s to say that my planned direction would have turned out any better than the reality. Plus, in this life I’ve not yet ended up stuck behind glass windows, being gawked at, swimming round in never ending circles. I wonder how the fish feel, in control, socially connected with all the other creatures in the tank, immune from the storms in the real world or boxed in, constrained. Without the storms of life, stuck in one place.

THE DEEP ended up making me think way too DEEP.

32 thoughts on “Deep”

  4. It leaves me with questions, too. Isn’t Aspergers something you’re born with, or can it be triggered by an event (the loss of your wife?) It must be so hard to watch that bubbly little boy withdraw into himself.

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  5. I recognise my son in what you are describing. He was so much bubble, with Hawaiian shirts and impersonating characters created for Jim Carrey, choosing his glasses to be like Eric Morecambe, joining in with family and friends. The autism was behind the masking. He is himself more now, he copes with alone and people, but doesn’t feel the need to immediately entertain or engage with complete strangers.

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      1. Maybe because the most intelligent of us (like our sons) come to realise, that there’s a lot of horrible people out there in the world. They have some inner realisation that clicks on a very rational, inner self protection.
        Maybe the numpties (like myself) keep plodding on in the belief system, that there’s a lot of nice people out there in the world.
        Of course both are right and thankfully in our case, the intelligent and the numpties somehow muckle along and get on with living in this world full of nice and horrible and nice people.

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  14. …just how quickly life can change, just how easily people can become cut off and isolated within this increasingly noisy world…

    Poignant yet searing.
    Holding both of you close to my heart.

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