Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 75 Comments

Cheesy Music.

I came across this story this morning

https://consequenceofsound.net/2019/02/rock-and-roll-themed-cheeses/

Aldi is going to sell some limited edition music themed cheeses.

Sweet Cheddar of Mine – Guns N’ Roses

Pour some Gouda on me – Def Leppard

Wake me up before you Goat Goat – Wham

Thank you Aldi I should be focusing on a payroll spreadsheet and now all I can see is cheesy song titles.

Let it Brie

Go your own whey

For whom the baby bell tolls

I Stilton haven’t found what I’m looking for

Brie quick or Brie dead

Smoked Gouda on the Water

American Cheese Pie

Abbots Gold Rush

Another ADL Brick Cheese in the Wall

Jumping Chilli Jack Flash

Chocolate Stout Cheddar Symphony

Halloumi of the Mountain King

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 51 Comments

What works

Anxiety, sadness and fear. Three words which unfortunately are too often near the top of our household vocabulary. Along with fart, burnt food, turn the music UP, where’s the remote, sorry I forgot and Dad you Muppet.So what have we found that actually works for both of us. Here are some of the winners.

5,4,3,2,1

We have found that this technique is really good at taking the edge off panic attacks. It doesn’t work on any underlying problems but buys some time. At the first sign of increased anxiety:

Think of 5 things you can currently see,

Think of 4 things you can currently hear,

Think of 3 things you can currently touch,

Think of 2 things you can currently smell,

Now do 1 large breath.

The Sweetie Jar Oracle

If our son is going through a period viewing the world through unhappy filters we start the Sweetie Jar Oracle. Find a large clear jar and a bag of brightly coloured sweets. Not sure about the rest of the world but in the U.K. smarties, fruit pastilles or Skittles work well. Sort out say the red and yellow sweets. Then identify one of the colours as good and the other as bad. Then over a period of a few days, maybe a week start to fill the jar with the appropriate coloured sweet every time a good or bad thing happens. After a few days hopefully you will see more good sweets than bad sweets. This usually convinces our son that although bad things do happen, good stuff happens more frequently. You can then eat the sweets….

Good Memories Store

We have an old small suitcase which we use to store good memories in. It’s full of old photos and handwritten notes. Every time we remember a good memory I write it down and put in in the suitcase. When times are bad we can then dig out the memory store and hopefully receive an instant boost to the soul. Has the added advantage of making sure you don’t forget those all important wonderful moments in time.

YouTube

Just losing himself in a YouTube documentary works somedays. I remember one occasion when he had an awful day at school but after 45 minutes of YouTube watching he was a happy little bunny. Worryingly he had found solace in documentaries about Caligula. What happened to Peppa Pig…

Wheelbarrow Train of Pain

Talked about this in a previous post. It stops my sudden urge to punch the wall with frustration. Basically load up a wheelbarrow with heavy stuff then push it round the garden. The number of circuits depends on the severity of the frustration.

Lego

Found that building a Lego set really helps take our son’s mind off his anxieties. It’s also good for his fine motor skills. It’s often frustrating for me as it just reminds me that I never got round to buying the Star Wars Death Star Lego set. Now it would be cheaper to buy a real Ghostbusters Proton Pack and get Bill Murray to personally deliver it to us.

Trampoline

Almost everyday on his return from school our son heads for his trampoline. 20 minutes later many of the frustrations of the day are put to the back of his mind.

Late night dog walking

Walking the dog never really helped our son. He was often too concerned about bumping into others. We would be having a happy conversation but suddenly someone would appear on his radar and he would be lost to anxious social thoughts. Almost by chance we then found the delights of night time dog walking. At night no one is about in our village. We have the fields and lanes to ourselves. Now it has become an excellent stress reliever. We frequently use the walks to plan out in detail the next days schedule.

Bad things league table

Every so often we run the bad things league table. We both list all the things worrying us. We then work together to rank them in order of how much pain they are causing us. Points are awarded for the severity of the issue, it’s frequency and how difficult it is to solve. It quickly identifies the stuff we need to focus on or prepare for. Because it’s done as a league table our son finds it easy to talk about and work with. For the issue which is the league winner we then spend a few minutes working out a couple of actions which might help knock it off its top spot for the next league table.

***********************

One of the activists 100% guaranteed to raise our spirits will feature in the next post…

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 60 Comments

Bereavement and Aspergers

Death is inevitable but so so tough to comprehend. It’s hard for a grizzly mile worn traveller like myself to cope with, what on earth is it like for someone so young. Especially when it’s now 5 major deaths in 4 years. He’s only 11.

My son living with his Aspergers finds comfort in routine and orderly plans. Bereavement doesn’t fit into this ordered and planned world. Suddenly the world shifts, things are never the same again. This complete paradigm shift seems to manifest itself as shutdowns in his processing skills. His fine tuned memory becomes vague and unreliable. Concepts and principles become just random jumbled images. Simple tasks become complex nightmares. All he can think about is that the world and his happiness will never be the same again. Completely lost in this alien world.

Another aspect of Bereavement is a sensory one. Our son constantly fights to control and deal with all the sensory inputs flooding his body every second, every minute, every day ….. hardly ever receding. He has talked about death ramping all these sensory inputs up several levels. Suddenly the noise in his head is louder, he can feel the heart pounding, his skin is oh so much more sensitive, the unsettled stomach becomes a whirling vortex. He is trying to understand death while coping with this sensory storm.

When Bereavement occurs so many worries resurface for our son:

  • Fear of his own mortality. Suddenly every cold, every encounter with an unclean surface, every bump, every cough is a potential path to death.
  • Fear of his Dads mortality. No backstop, no second parent. Images of sad kids in cold foster homes like Harry Potter or strict Victorian orphanages flood his mind. How many movies have this as it’s premise.
  • Fear about losing special loves he will encounter in the future. Is the safest option to just shut the world out.
  • Bad things keep happening so they must be the norm in life.
  • Is it me. Am I to blame for this.
  • I just can’t find order and rationalise things anymore.
  • You learn to love, you learn to trust, then it is gone.

I think that final fear underpins everything. Trust in life for our son is hard to establish. He works so hard to build those bridges. Death smashes those bridges, breaks his hard fought trust.

We have started the healing process. Recommenced all the stuff which has helped in the past. But each time it happens the path to recovery becomes longer and more difficult.

The irony here is that this post is about our son (my only focus) and yet those last two lines (without thinking) are probably about me.

We now try to move on. The motto we have adopted is ‘each morning we dust ourselves down and go again’. Next post I will talk about some of the stuff which helps our son. More uplifting. More humorous. It has to be that way.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 44 Comments

Tell The Story Challenge

Thank you to Sadje for the Tell the Story Challenge . “Write anything that comes to your mind in regard to this picture.”

*********

She wanted to live forever. Avoid death at all costs. Every living moment focused on that goal. All consuming. All pervading. Her wealth and all her energy spent on her personal holy grail quest. Friends shunned and family scorned by a pathological obsession. No scientific or mythological stone left unturned.

But when the end inevitably came. What was it all for. A fools gold prize. Body turned to dust. A life ultimately wasted in the desire to prolong it. No fond memories created . No legacy built. Her clothes and a book are all that remained in the end.

*********

I am tagging

Crushedcaramel

Baffledmum

pensitivity101

If you fancy having a go then have a look at this picture and see where it takes you.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 60 Comments

Football

I wrote this just before the world turned again on Saturday. Trying to help get him back to this mindset again. Thankyou for all your support, it really has helped. I know some people will say it was just a pet, but given what went before it….. it really has hit him hard. Feels like he has regressed back to the days when his mum died.

***********************************

“Dad I’m going to tell you the winners of the main football leagues since 2009.”

I grabbed my iPad to check the dates and help with the blanks, shouldn’t have bothered

Ours is easy it’s 2018 Man City, 2017 Chelsea, 2016 Leicester, 2015 Chelsea, 2014 Man City, 2013 Man Utd, 2012 Man City, 2011 Man Utd, 2010 Chelsea and 2009 was Man Utd.

Scotland is easy it’s Rangers for the first three years then Celtic since 2012.

In France it’s easy as it’s PSG except in 2009 when it was Bordeaux, 2010 Marseille, 2011 Lille, 2012 was a team starting with M but I can’t say it and 2017 Monaco.

For La Liga it’s Barcelona in 09,10,11,13,15,16,18. Real in 12,17 and Athletico in 2014.

In Italy Juventus have won it since 2012, 09 and 10 was Inter, 2011 was AC Milan.

In Germany 2009 it was Wolfsburg, 11 and 12 was Dortmund, boringly Bayern have won the rest.”

A slightly stunned Dad was list for words. He didn’t like football this time last year. Struggling for something to say all I could manage was – who won the Dutch league in 2010?

“Trying to trick me, that was Twente.”

Ok who won the Turkish league this year?

“Galatasaray”

How can anyone remember all these facts. It is beyond me. It’s also beyond me why our society is so quick to write off so much talent in our autistic stars.

“Dad when did your team last win the league?”

Not that many years ago son….

“Dad you will find it was 1927.”

Bugger…..

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 131 Comments

Life is a pile of crap somedays

Some days life is good. Somedays it’s a pile of crap. Often it’s full of unwanted coincidences.

Seven hours ago I was writing a so called humorous post about our naughty girl cat.

Four hours ago my son was sat with Daisy on his lap. The two have always been close. She helped get him through his mums death.

Then out of the blue a brief seizure and she left us.

Yes a naughty girl but much loved. Yet again son is dealing with death. Yet again a parent lost for words. Today life is crap.;

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 81 Comments

It’s not just vampires that don’t like

Its not just vampires that don’t like garlic…..

“Dad I have to take some ingredients in for Food Technology. I tried to write the list down.”

So all the ingredients were carefully packed into the school bag. The last item. What does that say, big something.

“Think it’s a big garlic.”

Ok you can have a few cloves. Job done.

Fast forward to the end of the school day.

“Dad it wasn’t a big garlic it was a big turnip.”

No damage done and some laughs. Well that was until I went to empty the school bag.

Wow what a smell. A really strong garlic smell filling the room emanating from the bag. It was that bad I was tempted to call the Ghostbusters. Apparently when our son had discovered that the garlic was surplus to requirements he just throw it back into the school bag. Now everything stunk. The bag, the books, the pencil case, the calculator, the iPad.

One hour and one full bottle of Lemon Surface Cleaner later everything apart from the bag smelled ok. The fuming school bag would just have to be washed. Chucked into the washing machine – job done.

Contentedly I walked to make a drink. A thought crossed my mind. Houston we have a problem!!!! Some numpty forgot to empty the washing machine before the garlic bomb started it’s cycle.

60 minutes later. The bag still stinks. But progress – now the school clothes and my sports kit stink of garlic. So second washing attempt this time with triple the soap and half a bottle of fabric conditioner.

60 minutes later. The bag, clothes and now the washing machine stink of garlic.

Advice was sort from the internet. Third washing attempt but this time with added vinegar and three cut up lemons.

60 minutes later. Thankfully success. Strong garlic smell replaced with strong lemon smell. I’ll take that. Luckily after tumble drying the lemon smell is now almost pleasant. Unfortunately the school bag was obviously not tumble dryer proof. It now resembles a shrivelled prune.

A very tired Dad sits down with a well earned coffee.

“Dad you smell of garlic….”

I can now see why vampires don’t like garlic…..

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 57 Comments

Progress?

“Dad how do you spell Transylvania, I am trying to find a picture of Dracula and his castle”

Our son frequently asks how to spell words when he is using his iPad. As he tries to type out the words which I have attempted to spell the hope is that it will help with his Dyslexia. He is trying to move away from just using the iPads speech recognition app. In this vampire case we had an issue with either my spelling (most likely) or our son’s typing.

“Dad that doesn’t look like Dracula or his castle. It’s a man with make up wearing a very short skirt.”

Yes that was an interesting conversation we had about a word sounding a bit like Transylvania.

We have continued to work at home on our son’s dyslexia. It’s his biggest concern and causes him so much stress. However it’s a constant balancing act as he gets so tired at school. I want him to have time to play and relax. But when we do work we have tried a number of techniques. I talked about some of these in an earlier post

https://bereavedsingledad.blog/2018/11/14/home-help/

Maybe, just maybe we are starting to see some progress. He is starting to recognise a wider range of words (although it takes time). Increasingly some of the more common words are starting to be recognised instantly. This is real progress. He is now starting to read Graphic Novels without the help of me or a reading pen. He is using the pictures, the words he can recognise and trying to figure out the words he can’t recognise. He can just about follow the story now. Hound of the Baskervilles is his favourite graphic novel.

As long as he is up for the challenge we will continue to push. Learning to overcome dyslexia does feel like the search for the Holy Grail some days. But at least we now have some leads. Maybe we have started to narrow down the search zone. Let’s hope so.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 26 Comments

Random Acts of Kindness – pets included

Thank you to Mws R Writings for the RAKA nomination. You are very kind.

The RAKA rules are:

  1. Copy picture for the award,
  2. Make an acknowledgement to the person who nomnated you.
  3. Write a paragraph or bigger to explain an act of random kindness, you have witnessed, done, or received.
  4. Tag and nominate others
  5. Make sure to tell those who have nominated, that you did.
  6. You can post pictures of random acts of kindness even if you do not want to write anything,
  7. Thanks for participating and making this world a better and thankful place.

Pets can participate as well.

Last night our house had two cats and the mad dog slouched in front of the fire. The dog then got up and trotted to his basket. He fetched a small teddy bear and brought it to the girl cat – dropping it next to her face. He then ran straight back to the basket, picked up a well chewed toy bone and similarly placed it this time next to the boy cats face. Finally he fetched another well loved toy and this time slouched back in front of the fire and started to happily chew. Where did that come from. I was stunned watching it. But that’s one of my Kindness nominations.

My second RAKA happened at the last Newcastle United match I went to with our son. We walked out of the stadium and towards the metro system (the cities Train system). At the escalators a random middle aged man just handed his football programme to our son and just said “there you go kiddo” and then just walked off to catch the train. Completely random and very kind.

Third RAKA is another pet related one. A marathon runner came across an abandoned puppy. She picked up the dog and carried it to the end of the race. She tried to find the owners but failed. Finally she adopted the dog.

https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/marathon-runner-carries-abandoned-puppy-19-miles-to-finish-line/

Nominations

I’m going to tag anyone who has a Random Act of Kindness to share. Thank you.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 81 Comments

He looks like a Neanderthal

This post has been sitting around my draft folder for a few weeks now. I just couldn’t get the wording right, it felt like I was saying the wrong thing. I just couldn’t find the appropriate filter to turn it into the post I wanted.

I want this to come across as a warm and loving post. I don’t want it to be seen as laughing at my son expense, rather laughing with him at our strange world. If it does come across as insensitive then please tell me and I will delete it immediately. If that’s the case then I am so sorry.

**********************************

Its few years now since we first had Autism and Aspergers mentioned to us. At the time a Doctor talked about the symptoms. I wish he had framed it as his unique personality. One of the things he mentioned was and I will use his language

“Inappropriate language”

“Heartless and unfeeling speech”

“Something we may treat later in life”

Sorry Doctor there is only one person in the room with those traits and it’s not our son.

Our son has a beautiful and unfiltered language. He just can’t lie or dress things up. As my Dad would say he calls “a fish supper a fish supper”. This can lead to some interesting situations. We have talked about it. Our son always says that this is just who he is and he doesn’t want to change.

I will give you a few examples:

  • Once a nurse told him her age. Son’s response was “Really I thought you were a lot older”,
  • After I told a joke that went completely flat as a person tried to take our son’s picture. Son’s response “That’s my Dad he is a complete Muppet”,
  • When his mum was seriously ill a Doctor was trying to get a needle into her vein. Son asked the Doctor “Are you a proper Doctor”. The rather stuffy Doctor replied with all his qualifications. Son responded “Well it doesn’t look like you are!”
  • After a school play he said to a girl in his class “You are really pretty but wow you can’t sing.”
  • On a French train he told a rather odd looking guard with a beard “Have you got rabies.”
  • His mum was petrified of heights. We were on a very wobbly cable car and she started to panic a bit. Our son helpfully pointed out “Yes Mum we must be 500ft in the air so if the cable breaks we will die.”
  • On another French train he told the food trolley person “Have you got any food that doesn’t smell of wee..”
  • At his grannies and she had an accident in the kitchen. I said to my mum “Did you just swear?”, Granny said no. Our son said “But you did swear you said Twat.”
  • To a dentist who did smell of garlic our son asked “Have you ever considered using a mouth wash.”
  • While I was trying to lift some really heavy weights “Dad that’s not a good look. You look like you are having a heart attack.”
  • When he went for an X-ray on his finger he asked if it was safe. The technician said completely safe. Our Son replied “If it’s safe then why are you heading behind that glass panel.”
  • When I first started growing a beard he told me “It made me look like ZZTops bus driver”
  • His new Headteacher gave a speech about school excellence and academic achievement. When he came to our son he asked what was he looking to achieve at the school our son replied “Sir I’m looking to take my gap year as soon as I can.”
  • At a Wrestling show and at the perfect moment when the crowd fell silent he shouted out “Dad that’s the female wrestler you fancy. She doesn’t seem to be wearing much why don’t you take a photo of her.”
  • To someone serving food at a cafe he said “I really think you should wash your hands, they are very dirty.”
  • To a man in the village our son told him “You look like an old Father Christmas.”
  • At a rock concert he stood next to a very large biker and said just loud enough “He looks like a Neanderthal.”

We don’t see all this as inappropriate or heartless. Those are just so awful ways to describe this. To write autistic people off as unfeeling or insensitive reveals more about the people making those claims. Please rather see it is unfiltered and pure speech. Welcome the individuality. I for one embrace it.