Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 36 Comments

No Text Book Grief 2

A friend (emergingfromthedarknight) posted a comment about my earlier Grief Expert tirade. To paraphrase she talked about my mum loving squirrels and the fact that you sometimes read about loved ones returning and their spirits appearing in animals.

I remember reading a similar thing. The one I read was about a widow. Her husband would spend his free time stood by one particular tree looking into the valley. The widow kept horses and she was offered a colt. The colt didn’t like being close to humans and was quite difficult. When the widow went to see the colt it immediately trotted up to her and was really friendly. As a result she bought it. The colt almost immediately went to the same tree as her late husband. Everyday the colt could be seen standing by the tree looking at the valley.

I must admit my friend did get me thinking. What if my mum was in the spirit of the squirrel. That little squirrel who seemed to join me at the grave. Then a rather scary thought came to my mind. What would have happened if my mum had manifested herself as her favourite animal. I suspect I may have found a turn of pace quicker than a sports car. My mums favourite animal was a TIGER.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 131 Comments

No text book grief.

I shouldn’t listen to the radio as it frequently gets me so very 😡😡😡😡😡 mad. The local station had a programme about grief. It featured a so called Bereavement Expert who seemed to be reading from a text book released before the Rolling Stones were born. It was truly awful. We had callers who believed it was wrong to grieve for more than a week or so – people should jump into a new relationship immediately. We then had callers who believed you should lock yourself permanently in a grief isolation cell – staying there until you die. No other options mentioned. The expert and the callers just so quick to pick faults with others. A complete sea of ‘I know best’ attitudes. The Expert advised people to not hang onto loved ones ashes – deal with them promptly and then move on. Then the so called expert brought up the case of an elderly man who every year took his wife’s ashes out for a meal on their wedding anniversary. The expert thought this man needed help as this was deemed as unhealthy. He was instructed to move on. Yes it was sad but he should be considerate to the other people having a meal.

Deep Deep sighs followed by immediately switching to a bit of Green Day on cd.

You just can’t judge how someone deals with bereavement and grief. We all do it differently. No right text book approach exists. Finding a new love quickly, or never replacing your love or doing something in the middle are all fine. Just don’t judge and stop picking faults – you just don’t know anything about that persons life or what they are going through. I find reading and listening to other people’s experiences with grief really really helps. I love hearing people’s ideas. But I never ever judge them.

I’m calming down a bit now.

Maybe this year we will start scattering my partners ashes, maybe we won’t. A couple of years ago I scattered my mums ashes on her family grave. My mum was adamant, no ceremony at the grave. I would do it when I had time. No new words on the gravestone. So when the time came….

The graveyard does not allow unapproved ashes scattering. The Policy states that it has to be an official process. An expensive and time consuming process. So it was time to go into covert operation mode. I decided to opt for a backpack and a shovel type of look. It would make me look like I was here to do some gardening. As I walked to the grave I realised that this rather shifty appearance made me look more like a grave robber. Anyway the time came. Do I just scatter them or dig them in. I will do both. So some were scattered. Unfortunately it was so windy part of my mum may have made it to Norway. She always liked the sound of a Scandinavian holiday. I then started to shift away some of the grave soil. Bit of a worry thought – how deep are the coffins buried? A nervous glance to the side revealed a companion. On a grave 5 yards away was a squirrel also happily digging away. Was the Squirrel hiding some nuts or was the little fella also solemnly scattering some ashes. We will never know.

My mum loved animals. Mum loved feeding squirrels. She would smile at the sight of the squirrel burying the nuts. So as I walked away I hoped that the little fella had moved onto our grave. Mum would like that. Not sure the Bereavement Expert would though..

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 91 Comments

Tired

I’ve never really been much of a threat to the great thinkers of our time. This is especially the case when I’m tired. Today I’ve tried to function on 2 hours sleep in the last 24 hours. The results have verged on spectacular:

  • The picture above was mini cake attempt 3. No idea why they refused to rise this time. The first attempt I used Pea Protein Powder rather than Self-Raising Flour. The second attempt had the right ingredients but not necessarily the right ingredients for a cooking time of 2 hours – completely forgot about them.
  • Took the dog out into the garden for his morning constitutional. After a few minutes he was missing. Had a 5 minute panic until I realised the poor dog was still in the house..
  • Put dog food into the cat bowls.
  • Poured orange juice over my cornflakes.
  • During my early morning workout I actually fell asleep for a few seconds while trying to do floor presses.
  • Had to go to a meeting but put the wrong postcode in the sat navigation so my 15 minute journey took 50 minutes.
  • When I did get to my meeting and took my coat off. T-shirt inside out.
  • The final straw was opening a tin of Tuna to make our son a Tuna and Sweetcorn Sandwich. Funny looking Tuna more like sliced peaches in syrup. Can’t remember buying them…..

So today has been one of those days. Plenty of mistakes but no damage. In fact it’s been quite a lucky day. I posted a while back about stupidly booking two different sets of concert tickets for the same night. I spoke about our son deciding to see Ozzy rather than Thunder, but asking me to wait until the last minute as “this is Ozzy we are talking about”. Well today we found out the Ozzy concert has been put back a few weeks due to a bad case of Ozzy flu. So next week it’s Thunder. So yes I’m tired, very tired but kinda happy. Bring on Tuesday…..

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 63 Comments

Putting this off for a while

Before the world changed we had quite good balance in our relationship. We both managed to maintain reasonable careers while making sure we always had one of us there for our son. Our trips out as a family curtailed when the Aspergers started to kick in more. However we realised it was important that we had time outs to recharge the batteries. My recharge times largely centred on climbing and going to see my football team.

The world has changed now.

Climbing has gone. Replaced by the very occasional trip with our son to do a bit of walking on some remote hill top.

Trips to see my Football team has kinda stayed in place. They feel like a connection with a much different world. Maybe three or four times a year our son will go to visit my sister for a few hours to allow a trip to see my team. Occasionally I can get a spare ticket so I can take our son to a match. More often than not my ticket is taking up by a friend.

Unfortunately a decision needs to be made. Something I have been putting off for a while. Football really doesn’t fit in with our new life. It’s very expensive. My son struggles with different environments – that even includes my lovely sisters place. My son will go to the stadium but the crowds don’t sit easily with him. It’s becoming very difficult to justify. It doesn’t help that my team is now owned by a really unsavoury and deeply unpleasant character – but that’s by the by.

It’s difficult. I have been going for 32 years. It’s the only time I get to meet some of my friends these days.

But now it’s time to close a particular chapter in my life. Things change, life moves on, you adapt. So after one final match then it’s goodbye Newcastle United….

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 37 Comments

Getting To Know You

LAURAVENT69 has come up with a new question challenge. I was kindly nominated to have a go. In her own words

I thought I would come up with a fun questionnaire type challenge. Here are the rules:

The “Getting to know you” challenge. Just copy and paste the rules and the questions listed below and tag at least two people to take the challenge. Use the “Getting to Know You” pic and pingback to this post. Easy!

Now since I created this challenge, I will be tagging more than two people.

  1. Name a moment in your life when you felt you were most courageous.
  2. If you had to choose only one breakfast cereal for the rest of your life, which one would it be?
  3. When have you felt the most scared?
  4. If you could sing like any musical artist, who would you choose?
  5. Do you collect anything?
  6. If you could live inside a tv show or movie, what would it be?
  7. Have you ever had a reoccurring dream? If so, what was it?
  8. What’s your Zodiac sign?

My Answers

  1. I’m not sure I’ve ever been that courageous. A coward at heart. Petrified of snakes, spiders, scorpions, wasps, heights, confined spaces, sickness, Selma and Patty Bouvier, zombies, Medusa, swimming, Professor Moriaty, Tomatoes and dancing.
  2. Cornflakes.
  3. Without doubt the night after my partner died. Sat at home with a young child asleep in bed – thinking what on earth am I going to do.
  4. I love LAURAVENT69 choice of Pat Benatar. But me doing that would be kinda odd. So either David Coverdale (Deep Purple, Whitesnake) or Paul Rodgers (Free, Bad Company). Both born within a few miles of my birthplace.
  5. Do things like bruises and bills count? No but son collects Lego and Wrestling Figures.
  6. Always want to live in a place which is just nice and filled with happiness. So somewhere like In The Night Garden, Peppa Pig world, The Moon with the Clangers or ScoobyDoo Land.
  7. As a kid had a reoccurring nightmare about my older brothers punchbag. Over last few years often get a dream about being late for something but trying to run in what feels treacle.
  8. Leo

My Nominations

Mom Life With Chiari

Baffled Mum

Katherine’s Blog

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 68 Comments

School thoughts

How to banish those school thoughts…

It might be the weekend but our son just can’t get the negative thoughts about school out of his head. So much stress at such a young age…

“Dad I just can’t stop thinking about school. I don’t like being so sad about school and it’s a Saturday.”

So we are trying something different today. It not aimed at directly treating the school anxiety issue it’s just a distraction exercise. An attempt to to get rid of the bad thoughts for a short while. The idea is that he will tell me as soon as he has bad school thoughts and I will ask him a random question which he needs to answer.

Worry alert: What animal would make the best Horror Movie Star?

“I think a Hippo Dad. The way they can appear so friendly but are so dangerous. The way they can disappear under the water and then suddenly attack from below”

Worry alert: Which other animal is our mad dog most like?

“It’s a cross between a playful monkey and a dolphin excitedly swimming in the ocean”

Worry alert: If an alien came to earth what would be the thing which scares it the most?

“Your singing. The new Star Wars story arc, it’s that bad. Brussel Sprouts”

Worry alert: If you were a superhero what would be you talent?

“Being Dyslexic in every language on every planet.”

Worry alert: If a universal tyrant super villain attacked earth, someone like Thanos. Who could save us?

“The wrestler Becky Lynch. She would sort him out.”

Worry alert: Thanos the mighty foe of the Avengers, What is his favourite singer or band?

“The Beetles. Similar hair cuts and it’s kinda funny that the ultimate destroyer of life likes music about peace and love.”

Worry alert: Which story would you like to change the most?

“Make Santa more real. Make the Hound of the Baskervilles a real demon dog and not just a big ScoobyDoo dog.” Strangely when I was a kid I remember making up stories where the Hound of Baskervilles was a demonic beast summoned by Moriaty.

Worry alert: Invent a name for a new animal.

“Jeff”.

How about a more scientific sounding name.

“Einstein Jeff, Stephen Hawkin Jeff”

Can’t you make it sound a bit more animal like.

“Four legged, long tailed Einstein Jeff”

Worry alert: What’s the best nickname you have been called.

“JimBob SquarePants”

Worry alert: Merge two movies together to get a new film name.

“Star Wars and Star Trek. You get Star Trek.”

Haha you know what I mean. Something like The Empire Strikes Back and Back to the Future. You get The Empire Strikes Back to The Future. He just looks at me with one of those looks.

“Superman and Batman. Merging together you get Superman”

I give up on that one.

Worry alert: Change the name of a country to something better.

“England should be Rainland”

And on and on.

Most admit it did work as a temporary fix but it doesn’t permanently banish the worries. But it’s something we can add to our armoury of anxiety help tools.

If anyone has got any ideas we can try to ease these school worries, please let us know. It would be greatly appreciated.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 95 Comments

Plan X

The sun sets on another school week.

The school week almost ended prematurely this morning. To a child with Aspergers routine is the key. Outside the house at precisely 805am. Recheck the school bag contents. Go through the class timetable for the day. Reconfirm the after school plan. At 810am start listening for the bus to arrive. As soon as the bus is heard move towards the gate. As the bus passes confirm with our son where he plans to sit. As the bus does a u-turn son sets off for the bus stop.

This routine works well … most days.

Today as we left the house at 8.05. On plan. Bus is already at the bus stop. Oh s**t.

Suddenly we have a meltdown. The plan is out of the window. Poor kid doesn’t know what to do. After a couple of minutes he is frozen to the spot, in tears and unable to think. All I could think about was to reach for a scrap piece of paper in my pocket.

“Son this is Plan X, it’s our plan for this”

He looks at me and asks what does the plan say. Not sure son if I’m honest the scrap paper is my shopping list for the week.

“It says we start walking to the gate while I quickly check you bag and read out your class timetable. At the gate you tell me where you are going to sit. Then you walk calmly to the bus singing your favourite song”

We head towards the gate suddenly we are on plan or to be accurate on the shopping list. Suddenly he stops and he asks what does the plan say about what happens if the bus sets off before he gets to the bus stop.

“Dad sits cross legged in the middle of the road and refuses to move. Thus stopping said bus.”

He smiles and says “you made that last bit up didn’t you.”

As the bus passes, he waves from the window and laughs. Silly Dad is sat crossed legged in the snow.

Maybe we need to think about our routines and schedules. Map out some of the things which might go wrong and plan some alternative plans. Not having to rely on a shopping list again would be nice. But at least we have Plan X now.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 37 Comments

Walls Work

The snow has left little old Yorkshire. Still cold but no white stuff. At the edge of the garden the thaw has revealed the first signs of spring. At last some colour. Before this photo we had four flowers. Unfortunately a slightly excited dog obliterated one. So now a hastily erected wall of stones – eat your heart out Mr President – is protecting the remaining delicate buds. And as we are told walls do work.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 81 Comments

Acronyms

I was sent a report to read this morning. I couldn’t work out what it meant when it said D.A. and FUWSM. When I phoned to ask, the report sender was really apologetic as they were local office acronyms. Apparently Diagnosis Awaited and Follow Up Within Six Months.

I went for a run today and a white van passed with B.O.N.G down the side. What could that mean. All I could think of was something to do with a Kangaroo.

This got me thinking about acronyms. We seem to get more of these pesky things everyday. I have come across a few I really like:

LMAO – Laughing My Arse Off. Someone much wiser than me introduced this to me. I really like this one. I might not like it so much if an employer said that after they read my job application.

TIFU – Today I Fudged Up. Maybe the F stands for something else, can’t think of anything currently.

TMI – Too Much Information. I fancy having that tattooed on my forehead.

NOYB – Non of Your Business. I fancy having that tattooed to my bottom.

LOL – Lots of Love. Thinking about it could also be Laugh Out Loud.

But some acronyms I either don’t get or I just think they sound odd. Some notable ones include:

FTW – For The Win. I once had a football coach who would continually shout ftw ftw ftw …. why couldn’t he just say win please.

ICYMI – In Case You Missed It. How on Earth are you supposed to remember that one. It’s only practical use is to employ someone with a big ICYMI sign and have the sign pointing at my tattooed rear.

TWAT – The War Against Terror. Controversial project and not an acronym you can use if your mum is in the room.

Acronyms do have had a habit of causing trouble. I once worked for an organisation which went through a merger process. The merger project team was called TRTHMG. I never found out what that stood for. My Finance Team had to be combined with the other organisations Budgeting Department. The TRTHMG decided on a new name for combined team. Unbelievably they came up with Transitional User Resource Department. So for 6 months I could walk round with T.U.R.D on my name badge.

Not sure why but I qualified as an accountant, maybe I craved excitement. Anyway I got to put CPFA after my name. Strangely this could stand for the Canadian Pigeon Fanciers Association. But for years I thought that my CV proudly displayed these letters after my name. Unfortunately I recently discover that my spell checker must have at some stage auto corrected it to CACA. No wonder I never got many job offers.

While we are on the subject of auto correction my last thought has to go to a time when I was doing some work for a Police Force. I sent a report to the four senior Police Officers in the area. I blame a faulty auto corrector as the report ended up being sent to the Arse Commanders.

LOL