Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 5 Comments

One bad apple …

Got a call from some chap today asking for my partner.  Apparently my partner would sometimes do some auditing for him.  Normally when you say “unfortunately my partner passed away a few months ago”, people are really understanding and apologetic.  So I was a tad surprised when this chap responded “well that’s of no help to me at all”. He then slammed the phone down after I said “my partner dying was not really much help to me as well”.

I can take two key things from this strange call.

1)  You will always find bad apples but it’s taken me seven months to find one.  Most people are basically nice…

2)  After a bereavement the world still keeps turning.  The world seems to stop for the bereaved, but not for everybody else.  I know that at some stage I need to rejoin the world again and to stop living in the past.  But maybe not just yet….

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Some days…

It’s seven months since I lost my love and became a single parent.  I get ok days and then less than ok days.  Basically I’m still broken.

Yesterday I coped well with what life chucked at me.  Today is not so good.

On top of nothing seeming to go right, my son had problems at school. In the past we would talk these problems through as a couple.  Together we would normally find a solution.  Now, on my own, the solutions often don’t seem to come. My son deserves better than this and this gets me down.

Sometimes listening to music helps.

Sometimes just sticking to the routine helps.

Sometimes walking the dog helps.

Sometimes going for a run helps.

Sometimes a gallon of coffee helps.

Sometimes playing games with my son helps.

Sometimes talking to the ashes helps.

Sometimes reading uplifting books or blogs helps.

Some days (like today) nothing works.  From experience I know what I need to do.  I focus on being ready for my son tomorrow.  Once I get my son to bed then I’ll go to bed, and just write today off and hope for better tomorrow.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 1 Comment

Perfectly laid plans…

Everybody has got to find their own way of dealing with loss.  We initially tried to establish a memory box.  Regularly we would try to write down memories from the great times before the world changed.  We would then keep them in a safe place, the memory box.  I know this has worked for some children who have lost a loved one.  It just didn’t work for us.

My son came up with the idea of just talking to his mum each day.  So we both set aside a few minutes a day, find a quiet place and just tell our lost one what we’ve done today.  It’s been important to my son as it helps him make sure his mum is not forgotten.

For the last few weeks during my ‘daily chats’ with my lost love I’ve been wrestling with a decision.  My son wants a portion of the ashes to be placed in our garden, but where? 

Yesterday ‘we’ came to a decision.  A patch would be cleared under our small apple tree and my partners favourite flower (Forget Me Nots) seeded.  This would be the perfect ashes spot.  

After a couple of hours work the site was ready for the ashes.  Unfortunately we had not shared the plan with the puppy.  Two minutes later we had a very muddy dog who had now found a great new place to bury his toy bone. All I could think about was the look my partner would be giving me, especially if I had got round to scattering the ashes.

The best laid plans…..

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 4 Comments

Maybe people think I’m fine now

Maybe I was in a selfish mood today, but I was trying to think of the last time someone asked how I was doing.  It’s got to be at least a month ago, maybe longer.

Is it because I’m hiding things so well?  Even during the really dark periods I try to smile when I meet people.  Sometimes I smile because it seems like the right thing to do.  Mainly I smile because I don’t want people to raise questions about “If I can cope being a single parent”.

Then I think is it because when people first started asking how I was, I would reply “I’m ok today” and then switch to talking about how my son was.  Then after a couple of months I made the decision to be slightly more open.  So when I got asked the question I was more honest and more likely to respond “Not so good today” or “A bit down today” or ‘Struggling”.  It just felt that people felt uncomfortable with that honest response.  They would change the subject quickly.  Maybe it’s unrelated but the enquiries about how I was doing started to dry up as soon as I was more honest.

Maybe I should get a t-shirt printed saying “I’m Ok today” and let’s see if people start asking again…..

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 5 Comments

Good or bad idea

Seven months after the world changed and we’ve largely kept the house the same.  Everything is in the same place.  It just seemed the right thing to do, as if nothing had happened.  All my partners clothes and possessions undisturbed from the day she went into hospital.  Even after she died, I washed the clothes she had used in hospital and put them neatly away in the draws (as if she was coming back).

This weekend we have started to change things.  We’ve started to go through the clothes to see what can go to the charity shop. We so far have a car full of bagged clothing ready to go.  Really important point is to check every pocket and bag.  I dread to think of the sentimental things we found which would have been lost.

We have also started moving the furniture around, trying to make it our house now.  The funny thing is my partner was good at this sort of thing, so our changes haven’t really improved the look of the house.  But that’s not the point, the key is that we made changes.  I’m probably not ready to move on, but my son wants to try …. and that’s what’s going to happen.

Update:  Carefully check any books you are giving away.  I’m giving the charity shop a pile of my partners books.  As I was putting the last book in the bag, a photo fell out from the book.  It was a photo from 17 years ago, taken on our first holiday as a couple.  

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Life on hold

You listen to people who have coped with bereavement and they often talk about the importance of starting to enjoy life again.  Six months on and it feels like everything is on permanent hold.

The football season is almost over and I’ve not been to see one game either at the ground or on tv.

Before the world changed I would go for at least one or two hill walks a month.  Since I lost my partner I have not managed one walk.

Apart from kids stuff I have not seen one film or tv programme apart from the news.

In six months I’ve not had one evening out.

These might seem like petty things but they just add to the feeling of isolation.  It’s not helped by living hours away from my nearest family members.

I know that if I’m going to make the single parenting role work then I need to sort something out.  It’s just currently I can’t see any options.