Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 43 Comments

Night shift

Misjudged a late evening walk. Walking past a graveyard, located down a very deserted country lane, just as the night roles in. Always a bit spooky.

Somethings are always a bit unnerving.

In the UK, having to contact a company called BT, that’s unnerving. BT is a big telecoms company.

BT aptly can also mean Bloody Terrible…..

BT provide our broadband and telephone service. Both have been broken for 6 days now.

Do you remember when you had to queue when ever you went into a branch in person. Then the Call Centre was introduced and you ended up queuing for that, listening to the endlessly awful piped music and recorded message – ‘your call is important to us’.

Then CONTACT US ONLINE was brought in to stop the hours wasted waiting in person and on the phone. With good old BT you now have to queue online to use their online service.

Initially the wait time was 15 minutes, which in normal time was actually over an hour. The ‘less than a minute’ wait time turned out to be another 20 minutes. Deep joy.

Fast forward 6 days and still no telephone or broadband. Back on to BT again for the 6th day running. This time going old school, having to use my mobile to call them. Apparently to the BT person, we weren’t a customer priority as we were just a reduction in service rather than a service down issue. I was keen to understand if we only get two services from BT, and both are 100% not working, why wasn’t that service down. Service reduction sounds like we are still getting some services….

On the call, I think my tone went from friendly, to cordial, to a little gnarly… But nothing over the top, no raised voices, quite calm really. But it was a bit too much for Hawklad. One of the things he’s always struggled with is conflict. It throws him, he gets anxious, completely on edge. I have to be careful and over the years I’ve got better, much calmer, trying to avoid putting him through those emotions. Very few things brake me out of calm mode these days. My Football Team’s inability to pass to a colleague and the name ‘Nigel Farage’ are the only things recently to bring on the red mist. But I can’t micromanage every situation. When he went to school, one of the things that constantly unsettled him was the daily, frequent conflicts. Teachers raising voices, pupil on pupil stuff. He would frequently struggle to differentiate between real conflict, minor disagreements and play acting. I wonder if it’s because he struggles to read social interactions, pick up on tone, body language, taking some dialogue too literally. It could be that he really doesn’t like seeing anyone suffer or be hurt. But it does make the modern world a difficult place for Hawklad to fully integrate in to. We are still trying to figure that one out.

And yep, still no broadband……

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 39 Comments

The elephant in the room

There is a lot of political and media focus on certain carefully framed questions at present in the UK…

  • Why are so many parents keeping their children from attending classroom education?
  • Why are there so many autistic children now compared to in the past?
  • Why are schools having to divert so many resources away from core teaching and into special needs support?
  • Why is there such rising demand for Child and Young Person Mental Health Services?
  • Why are so many young people unable to work and pay taxes?
  • Why are we spending so much on disability and carer benefit support? Why is it so easy to claim……

I will say it again, these are CAREFULLY FRAMED. All designed to support a narrative about the pressure this puts on businesses and hard working taxpayers. It’s like the framed questions and narrative which is being pushed about how immigration is causing unemployment, the lack of affordable housing, the breakdown in communities and public services. As a result many in our society now find themselves very much labelled as problems, a burden on others….

I find myself increasingly feeling at odds with the direction of travel the country is heading in. I guess I’m not the only one increasingly feeling like our voices are being drowned out.

Deep sigh….

In all this, in all the political, press, tv and social media coverage I’m not hearing three issues ever being discussed. I guess because they don’t fit in with the CAREFULLY FRAMED NARRATIVE. The large elephants in the room.

Just how difficult, stressful the process is, just how many hoops you have to jump through to try and claim any sort of financial help, disability and carer support. And when you get that support it is at best mo more than the bare minimum, it is NOT a life of luxury.

Child and Young Persons Mental Health Services are stretched to breaking point. It’s a service that has been cut back and underfunded for years. Huge delays in accessing services, services spread way too thin. Again it’s also a nightmare trying to get a young person registered for these stretched services. In our case it took two and half years. A process designed to discourage use. Far too many miss out on the help and support they badly need.

In the UK, as soon as a young person hits 18 they are signed off the support service. There is no equivalent adult service. With Hawklad his Care Lead wanted to hand him onto another service to continue the support after he reached the age threshold, but there was no service to hand him on to. So he was signed off. Support ended. To the number crunchers and spreadsheet decision makers, he is now classed as FIXED as he has been signed off from support. How many young people, how many families suddenly find themselves with no support, no help, no one to turn to. How many don’t even get the support when they were younger. The question shouldn’t be why are so many young people unable to work, why are so many listed as …… it should be why are we LETTING so many young people and adults DOWN.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 34 Comments

What they need

Kinda sums up the Yorkshire weather this week…

Foolishly I listened into a radio phone in as I drove towards home. I think the show was supposed to be a discussion about the proposed disability benefit cuts but had rapidly become a ‘this is how you parent’ rant. Caller after caller jumped on a populist bandwagon. Far too many young people are receiving benefit payments rather than being FORCED to work. Mental Health issues, autism, adhd, you name it were modern day fairy tales allowing the youth of today to stay in bed, play games and be PAMPERED….. ‘In my day’ the rants continued, National Service and a good clip round the ear was the answer.

Not one young voice was aired.

Not one Health Professional voice was aired.

Not one parent voice was aired who had any experience in supporting a your person with daily, life affecting real needs.

I would have called in but strangely the show never gave out a number as the switchboard was jammed, I suspect with even more ‘in my day’ tirades….

After thirty minutes of this madness I switched off and drove the last few miles in stony silence.

This is supposed to be 2025 and it might well just have been Victorian times.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 49 Comments

18

That’s a proper sign post, although I’m not sure how feasible it is to walk to Canada or The US from this part of the world.

Most of the support had already started to be pulled from Hawklad when he approached his teen years, that’s how it goes in the UK. Now at 17 the inevitable letter arrived. At 18 he will be signed off from the last service still providing support to him and his care will be handed over to Adult mental health care. In other words, the day he hits 18 any support he may need will need to come in the form of self help, or from family, friends, internet, leaflets and a few overstretched voluntary groups. NOT from health professionals.

As a Paediatrician cautioned me when Hawklad first started receiving support

Some support and help could be required for life. The level of support required may diminish over time, sometimes no support is required but often the level of support can grow as people try to forge their own adult life. But when someone reaches 18, we stop asking as a society, in fact we stop providing the support almost completely. Child Mental Health will inevitably hand over virtually every child under its care to an adult service that doesn’t exist in the UK. After that if someone picks up the courage to go to see a doctor, in most cases that doctor will have little real understanding of areas such as autism and will probably just want to put a plaster over any problems in the form of Anti Depressants.

As adulthood fast approaches for Hawklad, I keep increasingly focusing on the immediate future, the next stages. Trying to develop that independence yet worrying about where he can turn to if he ever needs support. It’s a sobering thought sometimes.

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Birds at dawn

Another early start. This time a seriously early one. A perfect insomniac storm. 3am. Hawklad has woken and can’t sleep. I have not been to bed yet and sleep feels a million miles away.

Hawklad wonders if we can see the dawn brake. On the coast.

So a few moments later and after I had sampled the meanest of espressos, we are driving. Driving past badgers, foxes and owls. Before 4am we arrive at RSPB Bempton Cliffs. It’s still pitch black and we have the site to ourselves. It’s such an eerie feeling walking in the complete absence of light and sound. Even to early for the thousands of seabirds perched precariously on the cliffs. No wind and even the sea was strangely becalmed.

In perfect time to watch dawn brake. No thoughts of an Albatross who was apparently out at sea. Who needs one bird when you get to watch all this unfold.

The dark was a challenge to my iPhone camera but it gave it a go.

By 7am a few people had started to arrive, mainly here to take up prime spots and wait. Hoping on catching sight of one particular bird. They had no idea what they had just missed. The deafening sound of seabirds hides the peace that existed just 2 hours ago.

We were back in the car and driving a few minutes later. The site had lost its appeal to Hawklad. Even a handful of strangers proving too much for him. But he had got to see a spectacular show first hand. Just the two of us so without his anxieties. He slept during the ride home.

Yes it was a ridiculously early start. Yes I went more than 24 hours without sleep. But it was worth it for those couple of hours when Hawklad felt that he had the world to himself. I suspect it won’t be the last time we do this. Yes there will be time for trips out to build those social bridges but those come with anxieties. We all need these times and places of sanctuary. Hawklad does. Yes even a worn down parent needs them.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 49 Comments

Squall

Somedays you end up looking back more than you look forward….

That brief rain shower had passed through a earlier. A heavy squall but soon no evidence on the ground that it happened. Just a receding cloud on the horizon.

Yes it’s been one of those days.

Reflecting on life rather than looking forward. I know it’s not good for me. Can so easily descend into a world of full on melancholy Pink Floyd and Leonard Cohen lyrics.

I did try to refocus. Do stuff but so much is really working today. I even got a pencil and blank piece of paper out to write out some short term goals. An hour later no writing just a brown circle matching perfectly the base of the coffee cup which had found its way onto the paper.

Signs of a half empty coffee cup on a so called sheet of Hope…….

Pants…. gone all Leonard Cohen and Roger Waters on you already.

Yep somedays are like that….

But then I remember what is important. Truly important to me. I smile. Even on days like, the sun can shine.

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Thoughts and dreams

In years gone by if I needed to think. Be with my thoughts. I would go for a run. Maybe go climbing. Those things worked best for me. But then parenting and then single parenting curtailed the climbing option. It was then running. Fell running to collect and process my thoughts. Often I would start a run then become lost in my thoughts. Only the alarm on my watch would bring me back to reality. I would be miles into the hills and it would be a mad sprint to get back home for the return of the school bus.

Then the pandemic happened. We went into our family lockdown. So far 16 months of a lockdown. I lost running. But I didn’t lose my need to think. So I discovered the joys of leaning against our back garden fence. Thinking while looking over the fields and scanning the distant horizon from a little hill top home.

It worked.

So this morning I was leaning on the fence. Thinking. Looking at a distant beautiful tree. Dreaming.

But then I was joined. Someone decided to invade my space and block my view.

I’m can’t really see the tree now. I’m having to stroke and feed this one. I’m telling this cow my dreams. She seems udderly fascinated. Or maybe she’s herd then all before. Definitely deja moo…

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 32 Comments

Road

Yes it’s another one of those massive, multi lane Yorkshire motorways.

We are a couple of weeks into the start of trying to help Hawklad build bridges back towards the wider world again. It started with us taking the mad dog for a walk at night. Nighttime as it would be quiet with no other people out and about. Small steps in breaking out of walls that surround our little house and garden. The isolation which started 15 months ago.

We quickly realised that actually it’s always pretty quiet here, not just at night. So we started going for the walk a little earlier. Now nearer 7pm. Guess what. We still hardly see another soul. Currently that’s perfect for Hawklad. Very rarely we see a farmer or another dog walker. When that happens Hawklad immediately turns on his heels and heads quickly home in the opposite direction.

The other thing is that Hawklad doesn’t like to walk on the path. Just doesn’t feel comfortable doing that. So we walk on the road. Our massive and very busy road….

Well you can see just how big our road is. Just how busy it really is can be gauged on one fact. We have been walking every night straight down the middle of the road. Not once have we encountered a vehicle. The road is ours….

That’s such a cool feel. Such a cool feel for both of us. I can concentrate fully on talking and in the quiet bits, on dreaming.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 57 Comments

Dreams

Bereavement and loss changes everything. My previous life foundations came crashing down. As I sat battered and dazed amongst the wreckage it was just impossible to see clearly. All I could think about was what was lost and how on earth was I going to be able to function as a single parent. My autocorrect tried to change that to single patient – that works as well.

I’ve talked about the impact on DREAMS many times. In the rubble of my former life , dreams and hopes were extinguished. All I could see was nothingness. My dreams had been stolen from me.

It’s now nearly 5 years on. I’m still clearing away the rubble but a new life has started to be built. Here’s what is sometimes forgotten. My old life was far from perfect. It had many issues, many downsides. I couldn’t rebuild the old life if I wanted to. Yes for too many months I did try to do that. Finally I realised the reality. Maybe just maybe I could learn from the past and not make the same mistakes again. Maybe this time I could build a new and improved life. Dreams and hopes play a huge part in that process.

YES they are back. Back stronger than ever. Ok they might seem like pipe dreams. They might seem really unlikely to ever happen. But that doesn’t make them any less important to me. They are a key part of my rebuilding process. Let’s see where those wonderful dreams and hopes take me.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 48 Comments

Childhood

Do you remember when school holidays meant time off for our kids….

Hawklad and I received emails from school this morning. The emails set out the times of the upcoming year exams. Straight after the half term week holiday. The emails listed all the areas which each pupil are expected to cover in revision. The revision also includes mandatory online tasks that won’t be marked but will be monitored by teachers. All tasks are expected to be completed. The email stressed that they are expecting pupils to undertake significant work levels over the week off…..

To be fair to school they are only following Government guidelines and instructions. The Government has repeatedly spoken of its desire to increase the length of the school day and reduce the number of school holidays. It believes children have too much time off. They have it too easy…..

Parents will have differing views on this. I think you might be able to guess my take on this. I think it’s all BS…… Making pupils work harder and longer is just a smokescreen for covering up the failings of our current school system. Too many trumped up experts getting jobs as politicians, thinking they know best. It shouldn’t be about the quantity of teaching, it should be about the QUALITY of the education.

Ban politicians from education. Let teachers teach… Let Headmaster run the school. Involve the pupils and parents fully. Reverse the trend to test at every level just to populate government performance league tables. We are even testing 5 year olds for pity sake. If the politicians want to do something useful then they should concentrate on finding the resources to help specialists deal with the growing mental health crisis amongst our children.

And above all. Let children enjoy their childhood.