Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 59 Comments

Blogging Award

I’ve been nominated for the blogging award. Thank you to Racheal’s Novels, it’s a really interesting blog.

Rules: NONE!

I thought it would be a good idea to ask my son to answer these. Let’s see his take on the world.

QUESTIONS TO ANSWER

  1. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? I hope I can read in 5 years. Having friends. Maybe I might try to go to university. But most of all I hope I’m on my gap year in 5 years.
  2. If you could go to the moon for free, would you? Yes but only if I’m allowed to see what’s on the dark side.
  3. What is your biggest fear? Cows and giraffes. I’m scared of people laughing at me.
  4. In what do you find yourself more brave than others? I’m braver than dad in everything. I’m brave with animals apart from cows and giraffes. I’ve hugged a python. Would love to hold deadly spiders or swim with a great white shark.
  5. If you could have one non pet as a pet (and it wouldn’t be dangerous), what would it be? I would love a Peregrin Falcon. I’ve held a few. When they look at you it seems like they get me. I would love a dinosaur
  6. What makes you peaceful and what makes you nervous? Loud rock music makes me peaceful. Lots of things make me nervous, especially people.
  7. What is one of your qualities which could be positive for most but negative for others? I think my Aspergers scares lots of people. They don’t understand it. It makes me different. Maybe some people like that but some don’t.
  8. Which country would you visit just for the food? Switzerland has chocolate and pizza.
  9. Do you remember your first kiss? Do you want to share the story? Not kissed anyone yet. Don’t like people getting that close to me. However my puppy is allowed to kiss me as long as he has not been smelling the cats.
  10. What was your most embarrassing moment? It’s usually my dad. When school made our class have to read out a poem at the Christmas play. I couldn’t read it.
  11. Do you prefer blinds or curtains? Like both as the shut the world out.

BLOG MENTIONS- my son wanted dinosaurs related ones and the same questions asking as he liked these (if they want to have a go)

Silence killed the Dinosaurs

Matthew Wright

Amdall Gallery

Jasmine Eclipse

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 70 Comments

Probably

One of the most frustrating thing about autism is that nothing seems to be certain. You can say the same about Dyslexia, Dyspraxia and ADHD. The stock reply to questions seems to be “probably”. It feels a bit like that old beer advert “Carlsberg, probably the best lager in the world ”

  • Is Autism hereditary – probably
  • Are environmental impacts associated with Autism – probably
  • Are Autism and Dyspraxia linked – probably
  • Will the behavioural aspects of Aspergers become more pronounced as he gets older – probably
  • Is his Dyslexia linked to his Aspergers – probably
  • Is ADHD linked to Aspergers – probably
  • Will a coach or therapist help with Autism – probably
  • Is a main stream education the best option – probably
  • Could going to a special school help – probably
  • Would home education be more suited – probably
  • Will the loss of his mum have a long term impact on his Aspergers – probably
  • Will he get any specialist bereavement counselling – probably
  • Would educational psychologist be able to provide a tailored educational programme for our son – probably
  • Will an educational psychologist assess our son – probably
  • Could medication help – probably
  • Could medication make it worse – probably
  • Is Aspergers and Sleep Disorders linked – probably
  • Could the use of a reading Scanning pen help with his Dyslexia – probably
  • Could Occupational Therapy help with Dyslexia – probably
  • Could Speech Therapy help with Dyslexia – probably
  • Could the use of a reading scanning pen hinder any potential reading improvements – probably
  • Will the use of coloured lenses help with Dyslexia – probably
  • Have we now ruled out that coloured lenses will not help – probably
  • Will my son get any additional help during his secondary school life – probably
  • Are we trying every available route to try and unlock his full potential- probably

Probably, probably, probably….

Apart from the definite diagnosis everything else seems to have been on a probably basis. That’s frustrating for a parent as all you want to do is try and find the best course of action for your child. It’s more frustrating for the child as he or she tries to come to terms with life and the future.

But one thing is not probably, it’s not maybe, it’s definitely. When your child has had a bad day at school. When the parent is crying inside with the frustration of not being able to take your child’s sadness and anxiety away. When you need a lift.

The pets never let you down. They are our Ghostbusters our Captain America. Guaranteed to save the day and lift the spirits. They don’t need a proton pack or a shield. Just a few cushions will do the job. What a hero. Son and Dad happy again – probably for the rest of the day.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 41 Comments

Dear 15 year old me

I’ve been tagged by Mom Life With Chiari THANK YOU

This tag was created by Everyday Magic With Jubilee and Mom Life With Chiari. You can click on the highlighted names to check out more inspirational posts from their blogs. 

The 18th October was Dyspraxia Awareness Day. Here are 5 posts/blogs helping raise awareness.

Dear 15 Year Old Me

Two quick heads up over the next few months:

  • You will play cricket match against Ampleforth College a few weeks before the school holidays. When you bat it will get very dark. A ball will come at you like a missile from the big fast bowler, DO NOT try and hook it ….. just get out of the way of the ball. It will hurt…..
  • You will go to a Youth Club party. DO NOT drink the smuggled in Thunderbird Cider. It’s not big and it’s not clever. A bit like the above cricket, your head will hurt for days.

That new science teacher you have just met, he was a happy sole. Just ignore him when he laughed at you for wanting to become an Astronomer, just like Carl Sagan. Tell the teacher to stick his Bunsen Burner up his backside. Save up the money and buy that telescope.

If you can find two Bunsen burners, save one for the Career Advisor. When you say you want to go to University ignore the rubbish he comes out with about no one from around here goes there. Stick to your guns and go to college. If the so called advisor got his way everybody would have been sent to work at either the Chemical Works or British Steel. Just because you live in a poor area and go to a poor school does not stop you from dreaming. *** By the way, the whole British Steel plant gets closed down in a few years.

When you meet that special person. Seize every minute of every day. Enjoy it. You just never know what fate has in store.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 66 Comments

Night out

A few weeks ago I was contacted about an old school reunion. Surely this was an excuse for a night out. My first night out since the world changed over two years ago. The old me would have been really excited about seeing some old friends and having a fun night out. How times change.

This potential night out sent shivers down my spine and I agonised over it.

  • Where am I going to find a child sitter. A child sitter my son is comfortable with. A child sitter with experience in autism. I couldn’t come up with one viable option. After our son was born we hardly ever went out as a couple. If we did go out for a night, it was as a family. But as the autism became more prevalent these family nights out stopped. But at least one of us could stay with our son if the other partner wanted to go out – it worked well.
  • Because the venue was over an hours drive away, even a relatively short stay at reunion would have meant an extended period of childminding.
  • How would I react having my first evening/night away from our son in over two years.
  • Would I be able to cope at the reunion. It feels such a long time since I’ve done anything socially like this.

In the end I sent my apologies. I’m sure that the correct approach would have been to go. Yes you can list a number of valid reasons why I should have gone. But was I disappointed, not in the slightest. For the night of the reunion we ordered a pizza delivery and watched the two Paddington Bear movies. It was another lovely night. This is my world until our son is ready to fly the nest. Yes it does have its downsides but it is the biggest privilege I could possibly have. I count my blessings for this opportunity.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 39 Comments

Model Parent

Sometimes I feel like the worst parent in the world (I’m sure most parents feel the same at some stage). I read some of the tremendously inspiring parenting blogs and then compare it to my chaotic approach. This morning I was reading a blog about Dyspraxia when I realised that I had forgot to put this down on my son’s school health form. So I dug out a copy of the form and confirmed the omission but also noted that I had spelt Aspergers wrong as well. I phoned the school to ask for a new form and they informed me that I had used the wrong form anyway. So they would send out a new form. While they were on the phone they reminded me that I had still not returned another two important forms.

So that went well.

Sometimes life sends you a curve ball that makes parenting an even more difficult job. Seemingly well beyond my modest ability levels.

I’ve been agonising over when and how to have THAT ‘Santa’ conversation with my son. Because of his Aspergers it is something which has to be managed really carefully. Trying to find the right words, trying to find coping strategies for emotional reaction. I decided that the best time was in the upcoming school holiday. I had decided on giving our son a special Christmas project to work on. My idea is that he can plan our Christmas programme. What we do, what we eat, where we go, the decorations. It will be his Christmas.

Seemed like a plan. Unusually for me, a plan that had been meticulously thought out. So now the curve ball. Off the bus comes and obviously distraught son. I hadn’t planned on the R.E. Teacher announcing some choice Christmas facts during her lesson. I had not planned on the said Teacher obviously handling this really delicate subject for some kids with the tact of a rampaging wolverine.

So we quickly headed off to one of his favourite places. With his favourite pet dog. Went to see his favourite wooden sculpture. We drunk some of his favourite drink. We then talked through some stuff and agreed that it was his Christmas his year. His mood has lifted somewhat. His Aspergers planning is starting to swing into action. I think he’s going to be ok.

I am probably not the only parent that is rubbish at planning and organising stuff. But maybe, just maybe like most parents, we find a way of making parenting work.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 22 Comments

What you see

I went first scanning the world around me for 30 seconds. So what could my mighty mind recall. With my scatter gun memory approach, it was over in a few seconds. I remembered some birds flying overhead, a few clouds, someone cutting the lawn, bit of a breeze, plane flying overhead, a car, a number of cows, think I saw a sheep and a dog barking (not ours). I was quite impressed with myself until my son’s turn. I knew I had lost the challenge when my son’s first words were “17 cows”. The list he came up with was something like:

  • 17 cows,
  • 6 sheep,
  • 7 birds in flight (4 crows, 2 starlings and a bird of prey possibly a Buzzard),
  • 1 bird whistling in that hedge,
  • 2 more birds chirping in the other hedge,
  • breeze
  • 3 aeroplanes, looking at the cloud trails one of the planes has four engines,
  • 1 lawnmowers in the distance,
  • About 15 white clouds,
  • 2 Wasps or Bees buzzing behind us,
  • A couple walking a white dog in the distance near the far gate, which they didn’t close. The dog is barking,
  • Someone has fire on as I can smell the smoke, given the wind direction it might be the farm,
  • 2 cars and probably from the sound of it a bus driving up the road,
  • Next door has the television on, it’s loud
  • plus ‘you tried to put me off by pumping’ – (sorry thought I’d got away with that one).

I was expecting my son to win this observation game. I remember watching a programme by TV nature presenter Chris Packham in which he was talking about his Aspergers. In the programme he demonstrated how much he sensed and detected from his surroundings. It was just beyond my comprehension. Part of me was hoping that our little game would demonstrate to our son some of the positive elements of Aspergers. What it did demonstrate was how much sensory information his brain was having to deal with. When I looked only a few minutes later so much had changed. He’s processing all this sensory information all the time. I get why he likes listening to rock music, it helps block out some of the sensory distractions. I’m not sure what his Headteacher’s would say if I recommended playing Motörhead over the school p.a. system. Anyway as we walked towards the house our son smiled and said “ah the sweet smell of a barbecue or is it the cakes you put in the oven”. What would a Sunday be without burnt to a crisp fairy cakes. Just grand.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 87 Comments

Not a good word

“Dad what’s an idiotic cretin“.

That’s another question I wasn’t expecting. A tad worried at what might have happened at school or on the web, I asked why.

“I was watching something about the U.K. leaving Europe and that was how one politician described another politician.”

That explains things then. It neatly sums up the level of debate which is supposedly driving our country forward at the moment. Anyway I tried to explain that it was not a good word to use and those so called politicians should know better.

Fast forward a few hours and we sit down to watch some episodes of Spongebob. It’s funny how often random things combine neatly together. The second episode featured Plankton saying to Spongebob

“I thought I’d told you to go away, CRETIN“.

My son obviously now thinks “cretin” is an acceptable word to use as it was used in a children’s cartoon. And I now have the perfect solution to our countries current crisis, let’s put another cretin in charge. Spongebob could be our saviour. The worry is he couldn’t do any worse.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 29 Comments

Man up man down

I’ve wittered on about a number of subjects but not yet about books. Well let’s change that.

Over the years I’ve lived with depression. I’ve never had suicidal thoughts however after my partner died I did go to some dark places. I can fully understand the path those dark places can lead you down. Crucially for me there is our son – I have to be there for him over the next few years.

In the U.K. depression has been a bit of a taboo subject. You weren’t supposed to talk about it. You were expected to suffer in silence and just get on with it. Even suicide was reported as if it was some form of crime. A few years back I remember telling a friend that I was depressed, his response was “stop being a wimp and pull yourself together”. Thankfully things are starting to change. It’s now becoming socially ok to talk about depression.

Paul McGregor is one of the leading mental health campaigners in the U.K. He has now released a book based around his fight with depression and the impact his dads suicide had upon him. I found the book really thought provoking with many elements of the book striking a chord with me. Although it was an emotionally difficult read, I found the book completely inspirational.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 10 Comments

Planet of the Apes

The weather today was wonderful. Warm and still. Countryside filled with fantastic deep colours. Even the dog was almost behaving himself. It should have been a walk to saviour.

Yet a my head was blocking the surroundings out, to busy lost in worries:

– son starting new school, have I got everything ready, I must have forgotten something from the school list, will his uniform fit, will he make friends, will he get bullied, have I got the wrong start day…..

– we haven’t had a holiday in 2 years, I must be a bad parent….

– what happens to my son if I become ill…..

– is it time to have that chat about Santa Claus…..

– am I leaving it too long in getting round to spreading my partners ashes…

– are we spending too much money….. am I working enough hours……

– the lawnmowers broken, can we afford to buy a new one this month….

– did I turn the oven off …. did I lock the front door……

And on and on and on it went. Virtually the whole beautiful walk blocked out by my worries. Then the realisation that I had not spoken to my son in over an hour. Luckily he seemed really happy, walking the dog.

“Are you ok, son?”

“Fine dad”

“What are you thinking about

“What might have happened if the Planet of the Apes was based on a different animal. Currently trying to work out if Planet of the Pugs would make more money than Planet of the Budgies”

……………………………………….

So hopefully I’ve learnt my lesson. Try to live the moment rather than worry about things. There is probably a time and a place for these worries, but it’s not on a beautiful walk.

I missed out on todays Planet of the Apes debate but I’m certainly not planning on missing out on next weeks now booked debate about alternatives to Pirates of the Caribbean.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 22 Comments

Aspergers and Dyslexia- have you considered moving

Our son was diagnosed with Aspergers a few years ago. He is also dyslexic. It was a nightmare of a bureaucratic process. Three years of road blocks and dead ends. We were lucky, many families don’t get there. I assumed that the support and help my son needs to develop to his full potential would then follow. Sadly that was wrong.

In a world of cuts and austerity many key services have been cut. Our Local Authority has cut back Autism Support Services. It provides no specialist educational Dyslexia support. As a result many children like my son are provided minimal additional support.

With a new School rapidly approaching I tried again to gain support. Luckily our wonderful NHS has now started trying to help my son better understand what ‘living with Aspergers’ means. However no educational support is available. They won’t even do an educational assessment of his dyslexia to see what are the best strategies his new school can adopt. It’s left to the parents to take this forward. Unfortunately my son has a rather limited parent in this field.

We met up with his new school and they suggested a novel approach to the issue. Some other parts of England still provide Dyslexia and Aspergers support to children. The school asked if we had considered moving out of the area. My son immediately responded by saying he was really happy living here but if he had to move would it be ok if we moved to Canada.