August 26th and 27th. It’s baking time again……
As a trained and highly skilled Baking Superhero, I am so qualified to help share that the EXPRESS YOURSELF Great Bloggers Bake-off is back.
If you fancy having a go either wonderfully well or worryingly woefully, you can send photos of your creations or monstrosities to
crushedcaramel@gmail.com
Yesterday was Yorkshire Day. A Day when we celebrate all things marvellous in the White Rose County just like the tropical weather, rhubarb and Sean Bean. The perfect day to go a high viewpoint and take in YORKSHIRE…..
At least Yorkshire Folk are always modest….
I might be biased but it’s not a bad view…..
And yes that Lake in the distance is BOTTOMLESS, HONEST.
A trip to the really really really big city…..Clearly it’s still not big enough as they are doing even more building work. Can’t believe no one asked for our Yorkshire Passports to come this far South.
While we were in the SOUTH we passed a local radio station doing an outdoor broadcast. The queue to get on LIVE seemed longer than the queue to get into this place…
I have never seen the attraction of being heard over the airwaves, just for a few short moments. The super wide berth Hawklad took around this Radio Unit clearly demonstrated his thoughts on that subject as well.
Back a few decades and at Warwick University I shared a student house with someone who was desperate to get their voice broadcast. This student spent so much time phoning in radio shows. Music Requests, Quizzes, Call-in Discussions, Traffic Updates, any method to get on air. Proudly telling anyone who would listen of the successful LIVE appearances. Hardly a week went by without another LIVE tale to tell. I’m amazed the Coventry Radio Stations never clubbed together to get a restraining order on him.
One time I did ask why he did this. His response sticks with me
“I hate the thought of being Mr Nobody…”
Rather ironic as I can remember the names of the other 5 housemates but can’t remember his name… It might have started with a P or S. AND actually Mr Nobody is kinda famous. Hawklad loved his Mr Men books and one of his favourite characters was this good looking chap.
Do you think I would get away with this in my garden as a bit of a water feature. You don’t think that it might be a tad pretentious. My current water feature is me walking about with a watering can….. Imagine the fun Captain Chaos would have with this.
We were in the garden (without a water feature) playing table tennis and trying to lift Hawklad’s spirits after a demoralising couple of hours revising. He was frustrated and dispirited because we had picked up that he had been using the wrong method to calculate something in mathematics. He’d apparently been doing it the wrong way for a couple of years but as the teacher hasn’t been looking at his submitted maths work, it wasn’t picked up until we spotted it.
He had an Easter Egg, I had a coffee with a BUTTY.
I came from a family that survived on Butties… Dad would always say only POSH people called them sandwiches. Most items could be placed between two slabs of bread for a tasty meal. Family favourites included
Fish Finger butties
Chip butties (My favourite)
Crisp butties (Mum’s favourite)
Baked Beans butties (don’t wear a white shirt eating this one)
Sausage butties
Yorkshire Pudding and Gravy butties (a particularly messy one)
Mushy Peas and Vinegar butties
Fried Egg and Tomato Ketchup butties
Last nights Pizza butties
Pork Pie butties (Dad’s favourite)
At one stage I even started having Pot Noddle butties
All things butties. I even once remember a debate about whether a slice of bread sandwiched between two other slices of bread counted as a Bread Butty or just three Slices of Bread. Whatever the answer to this philosophical point, we had so many butties as a family for one good reason. Bread was cheap, it was a cheap way of padding out our meals.
Now a thought has crossed my mind. Sitting in our garden, it’s summer, after the exams, next to that giant water feature, having a butty. That works…
According to the map, there is supposed to be a path here.
Well I couldn’t find it. As Hawklad put it….
“Where’s Indiana Jones when you need him.”
Apparently in the new Indiana Movie, they make him look decades younger. I wonder if I could buy some of that magic from the Supermarket, I definitely need it. Wow, who is that bloke I see looking back at me in the mirror every morning. George Clooney is older than me, how does he do it, maybe it’s the coffee he drinks.
Yet I’ve been drinking coffee for decades and I’M STILL WAITING for any kind of Clooney effect. Now if it was signs of the CLUELESS effect, we’ll that would be a totally different story. I’ve got shed loads of those signs.
The Completely Clueless, So Not Clooney ME reached new levels this Mad March. I just couldn’t balance the work monthly payroll. Who was I missing. I just hadn’t paid out enough.
Oh hang on. I didn’t pay ME. What a monumental Clueless Wazzock.
Maybe that is all that coffee will ever give me. Ineptness and a morning mirror jump scare. But I guess there is always hope.
Next time you bump into George, can you ask him how he does it.
Why is it that in Jurassic Movie World, behind the enclosure gate that has been accidentally left open, there is always the really psychotic, crazed, huge teethed, killing machine. A now free monster that also happens to be really pissed off. It’s never the fluffy, happy, petting zoo Dino called Daisy who is desperate for a cuddle.
When the monster called Slasher has escaped and is after lots of blood, the Jurassic Workers suddenly have that look on their faces. Terrified, slightly vacant and most definitely lost. This week I had exactly the same facial expression when I ventured into my very own Jurassic land, otherwise known as The Apple Store and Service Centre. My version of the terrifying monster called Slasher was two overly helpful and enthusiastic Store Techies. I had just handed them my poorly Apple Device and the mayhem had begun.
I was trying to mask my confusion and terror by nodding profusely while making various hesitant grunting noises. It really shouldn’t be like this, just a few decades back I got my Masters Degree in Computing. I had started a Doctorate in Techie Stuff. But just like the Jurassic Worker now being eyeballed by hungry Slasher, the world had changed and not for the better. Now I can’t even figure out the TV remote control and please don’t ever ask me about the programme settings on our Japanese Washing Machine. Apple Technology is the stuff of Harry Potter Magic to me.
I had no idea what the two Apple Techies were trying to explain to me. Even more disconcerting was how they had clearly disabled all my device security settings in less than 10 seconds. They did eventually ask me to put in a password but I had the feeling that was just to make me feel invested in the process. Even that brought shame. The Apple Experts trying to show me that my way of screen navigating which takes about 15 steps could be done in a flash with the flick of one finger in a certain direction.
Quickly my device was dismantled. How can the Apple Bods talk and do this so quickly. It used to take me hours to dismantle a computer, never mind trying to talk at the same time. Then rather disconcertingly my dismantled device was instantly paired with a Store iPad and clearly the two devices were talking to one another. My device was basically telling on me, describing just how rubbish a user I had been to it. In computer binary the clear message was ‘this prehistoric bloke still uses pen and paper’. Oh the shame, I could feel the life force draining out of me. It all seemed a bit too much like Terminator for my liking.
Then thankfully I was out in the city streets. We do some fun streets here…… Like me, old fashioned.
Out in the rain with just a piece of paper in my hand. That kinda disappointed me, just a paper copy of a service note, I was expecting Apple to use something like a virtual 3D holographic document thingy. Anyway, I was completely at a loss whether my device was getting repaired or was getting binned by Apple. As it later turned out, a Replacement Device was being sourced, so it was getting binned. Fortunately binned within the warranty period. Another shiny new Apple Device to shout at.
Through this process I actually realised something. Wow those Apple Techies were enthusiastic. They clearly were completely at home and loving Technology Land. Can I even venture to suggest that they seemed to LOVE their job. I contrasted that to MY backstory. One day, decades ago, I woke and realised that Computing was basically monumentally, mind numbingly boring to me. With that realisation, I walked out on my Doctorate. Techie stuff never sparked me, never remotely came close. That has to be the key for me. Find things that bring a SPARK into my life and run with them. I have really not done that enough and if I start doing that then just maybe, I will be less likely to feel so pigging lost in life.
Look at these.
Really early for here but most welcome.
Gelbe Blumen…….
Know that feeling when someone asks you to do something way beyond your abilities… think me and hairdressing, think me and parenting, mainly me with scissors (or to be more precise, dog sheers – don’t tell Hawklad).
Well that was me last week.
I’m not very good with anything which has an engine, four wheels and a steering wheel. I can drive them just don’t ask me how they work, might as well get me to explain why Avatar is anything other than a monumental CGI bore fest. So what were WORK they thinking about when they got their numbers guy to get the three work vans fixed. I nodded vaguely as the various technical gremlins were explained. They had lost me almost immediately at ‘the bonnet release is in the passenger side footwell’. After five minutes of explanation all I could manage was
So basically those three big white things are poorly.
A few hours later I found myself at the Garage Reception with one big WHITE THING badly parked outside, I’m not a natural white van driver. I had memorised the many things making this particular van POORLY. Here goes, time to try to explain the faults to the Garage Owner.
Why was he looking like I was speaking in a foreign language confirmed when he said ‘YOU WHAT’. I started again then realised, I WAS IN FACT SPEAKING A FOREIGN LANGUAGE. The night before I had been going through my German Course and it had been rather aptly been a module called ‘CARS and key parts’. Staggeringly this muppet had tried to explain van faults in a combination of English, Yorkshire and GERMAN. Clearly this particular Garage Owner had no idea what ‘AUSPUFF’, ‘AUTOBREMSEN’ and ‘REIFEN’ meant.
At least that part of the course had sunk in with me.
Anyway I tried to tell the bemused chap about my German Course and why I clearly sounded like I was a completely crazed crackpot. I’m not sure he was that impressed.
“Not much call for German round here lad, we’ll unless you are on your holidays to the beach in somewhere like MADRID. Personally give me Scarborough….”
So much I could have said to that on the geographic location of Spain’s Capital vis-à-vis the distant coast and even more distant Germany, but wisely I bit my lip.
Part Two to follow when we throw in to the mix, sports car envy and a million year old coffee vending machine that fights back TERMINATOR style….
A touch of December icy white.
Generosity can make you smile, give you a warm feeling. Sometimes it can actually give you the giggles.
Just received an email from our much loved and very cheap (😱😱😱) electricity supplier who never ever make massive profits by charging too much…. They are running a scheme where they ask customers to cut power usage during peak times so that we as a country avoid running out of this piped electrical gold. In return customers receive a discount on the next bill.
Well the email from them did give me the giggles. See GENEROSITY even from the unusual sources is a good thing and it even took a bit of strain off the creaking GENERATORS.
£1 currently gets you 1.13 Euros, or 1.20 US Dollars, or 1.64 Canadian Dollars or 100 Indian Rupees. Living the DREAM today🤣🤣🤣🤣
No sign of any teaching coming from School so might as well go for a walk around Castle Howard. A quiet, beautiful walk.
Quiet, well until an international meeting.
Walking along a path and we came across a clearly confused couple looking a tad bit lost. As we approached the chap spoke, spoke in the deepest of Australian accents.
“Excuse me Mate, but we are trying to find the CASTLE”
Apparently they were on a driving holiday around the UK and had seen Castle Howard on the map and thought, let’s visit one of those King Arthur kinda places….. They had been walking around the Estate for ages and hadn’t found the old stone castle yet. Sadly I had to disappoint them.
‘See that big old house, that’s the castle”
After a few choice Australian words ##@##*#ocks, they asked if
“I knew of a proper castle round here…”
A few minutes later they had directions to three more castle like castles.
That was my third ever conversation with someone from Australia. All have been completely random affairs. The second chat was in Switzerland. We were walking in Interlaken when a family approached us and asked.
“Do you speak English, we heard you (me) singing Yellow Submarine”
Wow was I that loud…. Having confirmed the English thing, the conversation went very south of the equator.
“Do you know if there is a shop here that sells Swiss Cuckoo Clocks, the kids want to see some and we can’t find a phrase for that in our German helpful holiday phrase book..”
No I suspect it’s not a common phrase. Maybe it should be, maybe the first one the phrase book should tell you. Just like the phrase book Aliens like ET or Thanos need when they visit Earth. The first phrase being a translation of ‘take me to your leader’. Currently in the UK an alien would need to use the phrase ‘take me to your useless numpty’. Anyway the bizarre Australian conversation went even further south when we confirmed that we had just been in a shop looking at a shed load of those wonderful clocks. Once again Australians left with helpful directions.
My first Australian conversation was just as odd. I had just left Warwick University to finally earn my keep. I was working at a computer installation and I had drawn the short straw – I was covering the night shift. Well after midnight, Reception put through a call from Sydney. I took the call and happily said
‘Hello Sydney’
– whoever Sydney was. At the other end of the line was an equally happy lady with an Australian accent. Opps. I apologised.
‘Sorry, I thought the call was from someone called Sydney, not actually from Sydney…’
“No problems, I am from Sydney, but I am also called Sidney”
I found out that she hadn’t been named after the city but after the actor Sidney Poitier. Apparently her parents were huge fans and had hoped for a strapping Aussie Rules playing boy who would also be an actor just like their hero. Apparently a short, ginger haired girl who was in love with George Michael didn’t quite suit the Sidney Poitier name.
I’m actually looking forward to my next Australian conversation. They are always so bizarre.
Ok, it might not win any Michelin Stars but in the great culinary scheme of things, that ain’t too bad at all. The Yorkshire Baron Frankenstein can occasionally do some of that strange science called Baking….
If this muppet can do it…..
Go on, why don’t you have a go. This weekend, it’s the Great Bloggers Bake-Go on, why don’t you have a go.
You can find all the latest on the Bake-off and so much more on Mel’s wonderful site.
https://crushedcaramel.wordpress.com/2022/10/12/a-bouquet-of-flours/
A Dad trying to cope with the loss of his Partner and becoming a single parent. 