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Whitby

I must admit even routine trips out seem like big adventures these days. Occasionally it’s good to return to the outside world. Makes me feel kinda grown up.

We had an afternoon trip to Whitby for a medical appointment. It was cold, wet, windy and misty. But as ever stunningly beautiful. It’s one of those places that when the sun shines it is just the most picturesque place. But in a wild storm it is truly a perfect place for Dracula to land and wreck havoc.

Son always calls Whitby Abbey, Dracula’s Castle.

If the weather had been kinder we would have ventured onto the beach and search beneath the cliffs. It’s a fantastic place to find fossils. It’s just wonderful to see him searching. Methodically digging and searching through stones. Then suddenly a bit of arm flapping and he is deep into a dream world of dinosaurs.

Once we leave Jurassic times a walk round the small port and Son is lost again in dream world. This time dreams drift 250 years ago to Captain James Cook. Whitby was his home port and his famous ship The Endeavour was built here.

At the medical appointment the consultant handed our son a sheet of paper which had his future appointment dates listed. Instantly son announced

“I won’t sign anything before the terms are checked out by my lawyer”

Kids learn so quickly these days.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 88 Comments

Feel the pain

I often hear fitness experts say that you know when exercise is really working because it starts to hurt. No pain no gain. Well I think I successfully disproved that theory this morning. Pain means PAIN.

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Somedays it’s good to be brought back down to earth. An Aspergers child with beautiful honesty is a perfectly designed tool for this job.

At school the kids had to tell the class one thing their parent(s) were brilliant at. Apparently talents such as football, rugby, accountancy, building, driving, cooking, singing, languages, science, nursing, making money, horse riding, swimming, judo, gardening, running, pottery and writing we’re all mentioned. But not in one case…

A certain boy said “well it depends on your exact definition of brilliant, in my Dads case I may need to think about this for a while….”

The boy knows me too well.

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Maybe his hesitation on awarding brilliance was influenced by a little accident this morning. I have a little bit of a sore eye. During my early morning workout I somehow managed to hit myself in the face with a 14lb Kettlebell… So going back to the pain theory – experts would say that my pain was a sign of a most rewarding workout. Really!!!!

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 91 Comments

Tree

“Dad did you just say a money tree. Can you really get a money tree?”

Son will often take things very literally. I’ve talked about this before. It is something which is fairly common with autism. I must admit I did this as a kid. You often find yourself trying to re-explain phrases that you often through into conversations (I am sure my parents had to do a similar thing).

My explanation of a money tree was rudely interrupted by Captain Chaos.

“Dad the pup is running round the garden with a sock. Correction. He is now burying the sock.”

I really can’t wait for the Sock Tree to grow….

Then we started thinking about other really useful trees we wish we could grow in the garden

  • The Money Tree (obviously) or if that’s a problem then we would settle for a Pay Your Bills Tree,
  • The Hugging tree – readily available hugs would be nice,
  • The one our cat can climb without getting stuck Tree,
  • The Anxiety Absorbing Tree,
  • The Children’s Clothes Tree – not having to constantly go to the sewing basket and fix knee and elbow holes would be lovely,
  • The Pancake Tree – would have been really useful today after my rather soggy attempts,
  • The Remote Control Tree – why do remote controls have stealth technology built into them, bloody thing is always going missing,
  • The Brexit Tree – would have to grow within the next few days….,
  • The Prune itself Tree – really essential after my last eye injury,
  • The Mirror of Erised Tree – if Harry Potter can have his deepest desires mirror then surely we can have a tree that does the same thing. Having said that I would prefer a Take you back 6 years to happier times Tree,
  • The Bird Dropping Missile Defence Shield Tree – how good would it be to have a tree that can eliminate bird droppings before they hit the ground,
  • The Chocolate Tree – now we are talking,
  • The Donut Tree – horticultural heaven.

So as I go outside to see if the Sock Tree has started to grow (probably next to the Pants Tree) can you think of any better ones.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 67 Comments

I am walking

Well he survived the first day back at school. Currently he is bouncing on the trampoline. I have got no idea where the energy comes from. He trooped in from school. Gave the school day 2 out of 10. Demolished 3 tomatoes, an apple and a slice of cake. Gave me a run down on the newly announced Generation 8 of Pokemon. Apparently this generation is based on Britain – that’s going to the grumpiest bunch of Pokemon ever…. Then he set off for the trampoline.

This is all on the back of 2 hours sleep last night. Just too anxious to sleep.

His Dad is somewhat less energised. Evidenced by this morning. I had a morning meeting. So I left the house with car keys in hand. Ten minutes later I came to my senses. I had walked straight past the car, down the drive, out of the village and heading down the path towards the next village. No idea where I was walking. If it was work then that’s a 10 mile hike…….

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 81 Comments

Frazzled

Frazzled that’s a good word. When I was younger I used it to describe the dreaded over heating meltdown the early laptops would often descend into. These days my laptop is that old and slow that it can’t even get warm – except for when the fat boy cat decides to sleep on it.

But now I have adopted Frazzled as my most common state of mind…..that’s even before school holidays start.

School holidays are fantastic as I get to spend even more quality time with our son. Yes I would prefer to sit with a cup of coffee in the happy knowledge that he is having wonderful adventures with friends. But this is a great backup option.

But one downside of school holidays is an outbreak of acute Frazzlement.

I start from a point of parenting fatigue. Then from breakfast until bed time I engage continually with a mind that operates on a completely different level to mine. One that runs at a speed way beyond the capacity of my really outdated brain. So many questions, so many different facts, so many different logic constructs. No outside world to help reset the brain. Rapidly my brain overheats and becomes frazzled. Son calls it Zombie Parenting. I’m there but the brain has shutdown. The simplest tasks become impossible. By the end of the day I am spent. Then you wake up even more tired and the cycle continues.

A blogger far cleverer than me talked about the desirability of having a backspace button options in life. I so so want a brain reset button. That would be fantastic. The chance to press reset then sit 5 minutes while the brain clears out the crap and reloads itself again. I would then be good to go again. Rather than wandering around for hours with an overheating and completely useless brain. System error messages pinging around the head. That’s my excuse for the poor level of my parenting currently. Today’s highlight has to be peeling a banana then handing our son the banana skin. Yes the actual banana had been binned. Not far behind that was trying to unload the bag from the Hoover … while the Hoover was still switched on… had to clean the ceiling.

Bring on Frazzled Friday.

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Changes

We had a lovely trip to Doncaster Wildlife Park today. It was a relatively brief visit. He was a bit uncomfortable with the crowds, but as we got there early so we had an hour of relative quiet before the masses started to arrive. The animals all outside – basking in the warm sun…Yes warm sun and Yorkshire.

On the way back home he was getting increasingly agitated at the amount of building work appearing in the countryside. I have to say it is staggering and so frustrating. The amount of derelict and unused land in built up areas and we still decide to encroach on what is left of our unspoilt areas. Can we please leave just a bit of our beautiful planet for future generations.

A few miles later I asked our son what things he would change in the world today. Reading my mind he initially said

The last 4 Star Wars Movies

And

Buying that Alvin and The Chipmunks DVD

And

Giving the pup that really annoying squeaking Toy Crocodile

And

Buying those Lycra Cycle shorts (I added that one, what was I thinking of)

But eventually he answered for himself and the changes he proposed were revealing.

  • Tackling Climate Change
  • Not one more tree felled
  • U.K. NOT leaving Europe
  • Finding a way to end Terrorism
  • Replacing President Trump and Prime Minister May.

I really can’t argue with theses changes.

What would you change?

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Cragfast

Somedays you wake and the world is full of hope. Yes it’s a challenge but you stride purposely towards the light.

Whether it’s the alignment of the stars, or the moon, or the lack of sleep or the weather or the cards are stacked against you or the demons have woken ….. but for whatever reason somedays the world appears different. You are alone and operating without a safety net. It’s is dark, cold and scary. Often I liken the feeling to a Tolkien like scene. You are stood on the ramparts of Helms Deep. It is cold and the rain pours. You are besieged by an evil army of Orcs. But this time you are stood alone and Gandalf isn’t riding over the hill top to save you that day. You feel like hope has deserted you. A battle you didn’t ask for and one you cannot win this day.

In climbing the dreaded word is cragfast. Basically you are stuck. You can’t go up, down or sideways. Less polite terms also exist for this ……

My mind drifts to The Eiger. Back to 1936. Four young climbers attempt to be the first to scale the infamous North Face.

Andreas Hinterstoisser, Edi Ranier, Willy Angerer and Toni Kurz.

On the ill fated ascent Hinterstoisser opened up the mountain with an astonishing traverse now named after him. Tragically they decided to remove the ropes they had fixed in that section. A huge storm set in so they tried to retreat. They discovered that the Hinterstoisser traverse could only be completed in reverse with the aid of fixed ropes. They were suddenly out of options. A suicidal decent was attempted. Over the next few hours three climbers died. Rescuers got close to the remaining climber Toni Kurz. But they did not have enough rope to reach him so they had to retreat leaving the young climber stranded. They left to the echos of a climber pleading not to be left alone. The next morning a second rescue attempt was launched but they found the young climber close to death. He quietly said “Ich Kann nicht mehr” – I cannot go on. He died feet from rescue.

The German 2008 movie of this tragedy “North Face” is one of the bleakest movies you will ever see. I have stood at the bottom of the North Face. Your mind can’t help thinking of those brave young climbers. Too many climbers have been lost here. It’s a truly cathartic experience.

What is the point of this post. I am not sure. Maybe it’s just about saying that life can be bleak and dark. You will come across times when you become stuck – cragfast. You find times when you are on the ramparts alone. You hope that when that happens people will come to save you. But rescues sometimes fail – even heroes stumble. These are the times you have to stand alone. Those are grim times. Times we must endure. You hope to just make it through the night. The morning may bring new light or a hero. Or you may have to struggle on for another day alone. It’s a sobering thought.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 34 Comments

Epic contrast

Thinking of spring reminded me of visiting Switzerland at Easter. Came across this photo. It’s amazing how the wild flowers have started blooming, the green has fully returned and yet you still got plenty of snow in the background.

The day before that we took the early train to Gringelwald. Found ourselves stood in 3 feet of snow and battling a blizzard. Then a few hours later eating ice cream and playing crazy golf, toping up the tan.

A contrast of epic proportions.

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12 uncomfortable things

Our son realises that he doesn’t naturally fit into this world. Certainly not in its current format. His attitude is basically

I might wait for the world to come round to my way of thinking but just in case I had better dip my toe in the icy cold water which is the big bad world. It’s something I’m not going to enjoy but it’s probably worth it….

As part of this process we have agreed to visit 12 new places this year. Doesn’t sound a big commitment but in-fact it’s huge for our son. We will have our first new excursion next week….

Tonight we started discussing potential places to visit but somehow the conversation careered off topic. It suddenly became name 12 things you like about you and your life.

I went first and it was a really uncomfortable experience. I do find it difficult to think constructively about myself these days. So much easier thinking about negatives. Anyway for someone who basically hates himself I kinda did ok

  1. Son
  2. Memory of my partner
  3. Family
  4. Pets
  5. Friends
  6. My eyelashes
  7. I am pretty fit
  8. I occasionally can be mildly funny
  9. Musical taste
  10. Decent imagination
  11. I’m kinda resilient
  12. I’m still here

Son went next with his 12 things he likes about his life

  1. Family
  2. Jimmy – Dog
  3. Bluey – Cat
  4. The gerbils I am going to get for my birthday (mad scramble – news to his dad)
  5. My dreams (don’t care if people think it’s not right for me to have dreams, I still dream)
  6. My house
  7. I’m funny (don’t care if lots of people think otherwise I still think I’m funny)
  8. I’m cool (don’t care if lots of people think otherwise I still think I’m cool)
  9. I’m clever (don’t care if lots of people think otherwise I still think I’m clever)
  10. I’m tall
  11. My memory (don’t care if lots of people think otherwise I still think I have a good memory)
  12. My ambition to be a scientist or a zookeeper or a wrestler or a goalkeeper or a falconer or a historian (don’t care if people think I can’t do these things …)

I think this reveals that he is quite comfortable with himself. The problem is that he doesn’t have that much faith in the outside world. I could go on but GERBILS are a pressing concern……

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 102 Comments

Daffodil

One of those mornings. Can’t log onto the works system. Unable to drive into work as the narrow access lane is closed for urgent repair work. Made some butterfly cakes which sunk so badly they are ring donuts now. Then tried to make some cookies but only had enough flour to make 5 really small ones. Went shopping but really spent too much money due to the cost of healthy options.

Then I looked out of the garden window.

Sat by itself. Under the Apple Tree. We have the first Daffodil of the year. This would make my partner very happy.

Now how do I keep the mad dog off it….