Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 75 Comments

Wake

How I start the day makes such a massive difference to me. My day seems to go better if I exercise early in the morning rather than after lunch. Get my breakfast right and my dieting becomes easier. Avoid caffeine first thing and I feel less on edge for the rest of the day.

But there is one morning thing above anything else that has the biggest impact on my day.

How I wake up.

Do I wake up under my own steam or am I suddenly woken by some external factor. The pesky alarm…..

If I wake up naturally, even if that’s after a night of little sleep then I’m usually good to go. The day seems in synch. Even nights without any sleep at all, I find work ok for me. I can do this single parenting gig.

But if the alarm brings me abruptly to life and it’s all so very much different. Today was like that. Not much sleep until after 5am and then I crash out. All too soon the noisy alarm ends the dreams. But it has not brought the real me to life, it’s the zombie version of me. I can barely function, certainly can’t think straight, parenting is seemingly beyond me. That feeling of being completely out of synch stays with me all day. These are the days I really struggle to overcome depression.

All because of how I wake.

Am I alone in this?

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 79 Comments

Can’t ignore it

Somethings you can ignore and other things you simply can’t. You can can’t ignore how you are feeling but it’s very easy to ignore how someone else is feeling. You can ignore the ‘do not enter sign’ but you can’t ignore the large, foaming at the mouth guard dogs stood behind the sign. You can ignore a bit of rain but you can’t ignore a thunder storm. Well it’s not easy to anyway….

Last night was a massive, noisy storm which went on much of the night. No chance for sleep until the storm blew itself out, sadly well after dawn.

Hawklad received two emails from the same teacher this week. Both saying effectively the same thing. The teacher couldn’t open the work files Hawklad had submitted this week. In addition the teacher moaned about where he had saved the files.

Ok….

Well here’s the issues which kinda made me reply in a slightly tetchy manner to this teacher. First of all these are the first communications Hawklad has had with this teacher in over a year. Secondly he is saving the files in the same way he does for all the other subjects. Thirdly Hawklad has been diligently saving all the work and homework for this teacher for over a year in exactly the same way, in exactly the same format and in exactly the same location – all in line with school instructions. Fourthly Hawklad has never had any feedback, marks or comments about any piece of work submitted to this teacher since a certain pandemic appeared. The only thing approaching feedback was a couple of random assessment numbers appearing on the quarterly school report. Numbers which unlike other subjects have never changed.

Call me cynical but I don’t think the teacher has looked at any of Hawklads work until this week. Ok class work may not always be marked but surely homework should be marked. Marked and feedback provided.

But I guess you can ignore some things.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 58 Comments

Thunder

The first thunderstorm of the season and wow it was a big one. They don’t often get this close, usually the follow the river out to see. This one headed straight over head.

As a child I loved thunderstorms. Would sit outside and watch the free show.

It’s different now. Hawklad hates them. They add a level of unwanted unpredictability into his world. Something he can do without. So now I wish they quickly pass by but a part of me still loves the excitement they bring. But got to adapt. Have to be mindful.

Sadly being mindful doesn’t seem to be a universal quality. Going back to my childhood I remember a kid in my class who was petrified of lightning. One day a storm passed over the school and he freaked out. The teacher simple dragged him out of class and made him stand in the playground. Tough medicine….. At the same school I was petrified of water. On my first swimming lesson I refused to get into the pool , so the instructor pushed me in. Tough medicine.

A different time but still no wrong.

Sadly it still goes on. I’ve seen it in some teachers and parents and how they ‘care’ for some pupils. How they have reacted to Hawklad. Maybe not as obvious but it still happens. Some children have problems with the texture, taste or look of certain foods. Hawklad just won’t try certain foods. But I still hear the old approach ‘well just let him starve, he will get hungry and he will eventually eat the food item’.

Hawklad struggles with meeting new people. He needs to sit with people he feels comfortable with. Change that and he can freeze up. When teachers become aware of it some work round it, are supportive. Yet other teachers insist on randomly switching who sits next to him as this will be good for him.

When he was struggling to get his head round Aspergers and what it meant to him, he went through a phase of trying to hide. Always have a hood pulled over his head. Hide in corners. School brought in an ‘expert’, a ‘school psychologist’ who recommended that he should do a presentation to the class about Aspergers. Tell his classmates why he was ‘different’. Anybody who spends anytime with Hawklad will know that is no different than just pushing someone petrified of water into a 4 ft deep pool.

As a society we kid ourselves about just how inclusive and developed we are. Some amongst definitely are sadly too many are simply not. Today I heard a Government Minister talk about some children needing TOUGH MEDICINE. The years might pass but certain countries are REGRESSING.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 47 Comments

Catch up

Can you believe it. 14 months of school at home. Just over half of that time has happened with most of his classmates back at school. Trying to maintain a remote link with his class was always going to be difficult. It can never be perfect. Especially when the Government’s attitude has been to try and force all children back into classrooms as soon as possible. Schools instructed to make it more difficult for children to work remotely. Schools and parents threatened with legal action if pupils are not back in the class. Our school wanted to offer a remote learning option. Wanted to change the school week with most pupils spending part of the school week, remote learning. Wanted to tailor education and create a better school working environment. Unfortunately that was not allowed so the remote learning option had to be largely turned off. That makes things much harder…..

Revision is supposed to start for the upcoming school year exams this week. No idea how they will work for Hawklad. But the individual subjects are now issuing revision guides. Indicating which pieces of school work have to be revisited and revised. In a couple of subjects there are no surprises – we have covered those areas, undertaken the work required. But then there are other subjects. Areas that the class have undertaken that Hawklad was not aware of. In a couple of subjects clearly large tracts of class work, entire areas have not been shared. Is it ok to call it revision when he’s visiting an area for the very first time.

It’s such a mixed bag. Yes a couple of subjects have exceeded expectations, Hawklad has done the entire teaching requirements. A couple have been kind of as expected, covered most areas but with gaps. And some subjects have gone so much worse than expected, with Hawklad being so far behind his classmates.

Surely in the modern world, with everything that technology has to offer in terms of keeping connected, surely my country should be so much better at remote learning. So much better at EDUCATION.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 52 Comments

I want a

Hawklad was trying to do some French school work. I’m not that much use, especially when I’m tired. So when it came to translations I secretly backed up my limited expertise with some discreet finger work. Can I use Google Translator to make me look awesome. All going well. With the iPhone hidden on my lap, I amazed Hawklad with my almost perfect knowledge and interpretation of French phrases.

Then it all went a bit mental.

All over a simple looking translation. I had covertly typed into Google what appeared to be an innocent phrase….

Je veux un bain

Clearly it was ‘I want a …..”. I think it was BATH. Problem was that I misspelt the last word. Easily done on a small screen and when you are trying to hide exactly what you are typing.

Je veux un baise

So I was a little taken back by the translation.

I want a f##k

Sorry….. You what…..Double take…..Until I spotted the typing mistake my parenting world had become very confusing and just a little unsettling. I definitely aged several years. See parenting is bad for you.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 82 Comments

Sod’s law again….

In all of scientific practice the law which is the most robust, the nose watertight, the most constant is SOD’S LAW. Some scientists call it Murphy’s Law. Basically if something can go wrong, it will go wrong at the worst time and worst way.

Today that law has been repeatedly confirmed here during carefully conducted scientific experiments.

I dropped my toast and it landed butter side down, picking up just enough pet hairs to render it even inedible for me….

I found two unopened letters which had dropped behind my desk. One was a Bill and one was a small cheque refund. Which letter ended up being the one that had clearly sat unopened and forgotten about the longest. Yes the cheque. So long that it was now out of date. Confirmed by the bank, if I had found it yesterday then it would still have been in date. It became out of date midnight last night…..

The power went off earlier today. Just when I was doing something really important to me. It didn’t go off when I was say hoovering or unfortunately when U2 was playing on the radio….

I went to make an omelet for lunch. In the fridge I found two boxes of eggs. One stuck at the back and well over a month past to best before date. The other the new box. I carried both egg boxes, one scheduled for the bin and the other for the frying pan. I tripped over the cat and dropped both boxes. One opened and smashed all the eggs. The other stayed shut and the eggs survived. And yes only the fresh eggs smashed…

So there you have it scientific proof the Sods Law is real…..

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 55 Comments

Transition

Have we transitioned to home schooling without thinking.

Another week of family lockdown. Another week of school at home. But things are changing. Increasing amounts of the school day being unsupported. Yes a couple of lessons still try to provide good teaching support but…… The other subjects provide support which is at best patchy and often not there at all.

So what are the scores on the school doors this week….

Lessons this week 20

4 lessons well supported

7 lessons providing a little support, enough to allow us to try and fill in the missing sections

9 lessons absolutely NO support, no idea what was done in the class, don’t even know which area the teacher looked at.

So the amount of classroom radio silence is creeping up every week. Some subjects have gone weeks without any feedback or guidance. Without support we are having to do our own thing. No idea if Hawklad is working on the same areas as his classmates in a range of subjects. So increasingly what he is learning is determined by him and his hapless dad, not be his teachers. That’s starting to feel like homeschooling. With no classroom return imminent, maybe we have transitioned to homeschooling by accident.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 73 Comments

Insomnia

It’s odd how you can get used to so little sleep. It’s basically been over a year now, lucky to get 4 hours kip a night. Often less than 2 hours and all too frequently no sleep at all.. What would 6 hours feel like…..

I hate first thing in the morning now. Feeling as if I’m wading through treacle and all without a functioning brain. Still there are some advantages. No need now for Movie Directors to train up actors for creepy zombie roles. Just film me in the morning, straight out of bed. That sight will scare the pants of people. Never has the phrase ‘need your beauty sleep’ been more apt…..

So here’s to another day of yawns, dropping things, crashing into doors and generally scaring the local wildlife half to death. Here’s to INSOMNIA.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 43 Comments

Ticking

Wind back the clock 20 years and a couple walked along a country lane and thought we must try that narrow path that runs along by those trees. Where would it take us.

Virtually every single time that couple walked that lane one voice would mention the need to walk that tree lined path.

20 years, 15 years….

Then it became a family of 3. Still they walked that lane and pondered that mysterious path.

10 years, 5 years….

The TIME ran out. Time ran out for that couple, that family. Since then the bereaved partner has finally run down that path. Found out where it led to. Definitely beautiful but such a powerful symbol of missed opportunity. The dangers of thinking that you have plenty of time. in reality the clock is always TICKING.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 37 Comments

Dinner plate

That’s some dinner plate. Newly planted vegetable seeds. What to start with…..

It’s been one of those school at home days. Only one communication from a teacher about lessons today. That was ‘just revise’ for a test which is coming up. The other lessons it was just about trying to see what bits we could find on the online system and then trying to fill in the blanks. Which is quite apt as alongside the homeschooling I was also trying to get work done for the company that bizarrely likes to employ me. Apparently I’m a ‘valuable asset’. I’m sure that has been autocorrected at some stage from the original description.

Voluminous Ass….

Apt because today I was scratching my head at WORK and blankly trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing. Yes definitely filling in the blanks. I can’t have been doing very well at either tasks as I ended up watching our garden pigeon and his dinner plate.

At least somebody knows what they are doing today….