No Blue Skies today…. Definitely OUT OF BLUE

Worst link ever……

Today completely OUT OF THE BLUE Hawklad asked

“Dad at mum’s funeral, why did we sit nearly at the back of the church”.

Nearly six years have passed and I had forgotten that I had chosen to do that. Back in 2016, I wasn’t thinking straight. Two closest of deaths within 6 weeks had taking its toll. I wasn’t sleeping, I was lost, I was trying to sort out my mums affairs and house, trying to sort out my partners affairs and funeral, I was trying to be a single parent. When I needed to be at my best, I was a mess. So that was the first thing I replied to Hawklad.

You know I’m a bit of a muppet at the best of times, imagine how much of a muppet I could be at the worst of times……

He knows me so he completely understood that.

I wanted to protect Hawklad. A small, low key funeral had morphed into something much larger. My partners family and sisters needed something different to me. Many more people. Many more strangers for Hawklad to deal with. He was just starting his Aspergers journey and stranger’s eyes could really bother him.

I thought being at the back of the church would mean you wouldn’t feel like you had lots of strangers looking at you……..more space as well.

“Dad wouldn’t they just turn round and look at me…”

I know, I didn’t really think that one through.

The church only had one exit which was at the back. If you needed to get out quickly then we would have had to walk along the aisle past all the mourners.

I thought it would have been easier to get out from the back.

“Easier for me Dad”.

Easier for both of us. Easier for ME. You were dealing with everything better than I was.

“Can you remember who sat near us Dad”

Not a clue, it was just a confusing storm to me. I know my brother sat behind me because I remember unbelievably that he made me smile at one stage with a comment he whispered in my ear. That’s one of the only things I can remember from the funeral. I had even forgotten we were at the back.

Hawklad then described the funeral to me. It was like I wasn’t there, all this detail has just passed me by.

53 thoughts on “Out of the blue”

  1. If you’re not allowed to be a mess at your partner’s funeral (especially right after your mother’s funeral) then when are you allowed to be a mess really?
    I bet his mother would have been so touched by your conversation.

    If it helps you in anyway, I am a complete basket case at any funeral. I even cry at funerals of invented characters on the TV.

    It sounds to me like you’re doing an excellent job with your son.

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      1. Just after going to yet another relatives funeral in 2019, I made a decision to never go to another. I’d had a belly full of funerals, and it wasn’t to do with grief. Grief is a totally different kettle of fish.

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  3. Oh Gary, this really moved me deeply. The person above said it best – you are allowed to be a mess at the funeral of your loved one. I’m so sorry.

    I’m glad Hawklad remembers and was able to share his memory with you. I hope doing so was a healing moment for you both.

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  4. My children now grown people know when to become anchors or rocks to cling on. They sense sorrow or hate in me. Uncanny. And they know how to ease me from the pain or hateful feelings. They learned that skill from me when it was my turn to do the healing.

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  5. Kids seem to know when they are ready to talk about something they did not understand in their past. Give them the floor, let them ask all the questions they need to ask, say all the things they need to say. My single parent widower father never let me say anything or ask anything. He died with me still full of questions. Take care of things when you have the chance.

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      1. As I am for you, and everyone who is told “You’re too young to understand.” What they are really saying is they don’t know how to talk about or process things themselves. They don’t think a child is capable of helping them, when really talking about it is the best thing they can do.
        So many humans do not have the capacity to understand children, even though every damn one of them was a child once themselves.

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      4. Yeah, well, the adults can’t seem to watch people enjoying themselves. It reminds them how little joy they have in the phony lives they lead.
        Better we should be like children, than making children be like adults.

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  6. It was such a traumatic time for you that the decisions you made couldn’t be very practical ones. As for remembering details, your son has a remarkable memory to remember everything.

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  9. Stunning photograph, and an interesting insight into your son’s recollections. It is great that he can talk to you about these things.

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  13. You know what, you did the right thing. For Hawklad and yourself. I sat at the back for a funeral once. I was supporting my friend at the time, it was her step dad, and he was a lovely man. I felt horrible, but I have never been to a more boring or selfish funeral in my life! I wanted to run out the back myself! It went for over two hours. This man was lovely and he was a good teacher for years, there were students at his funerals. The teachers who were there all told the same fishing trip story, 8 separate people told that story from their point of view…8! He knew singers and they sang songs of singers he liked. He liked the singers voice though. I’m sitting there thinking, can’t you just play the singers voice, which was what he actually liked. It’d be like liking Barry White, and then singing his songs in high pitch. I just…just, lol. I just found it incredibly disrespectful. But you can’t say that, lol.
    I can’t remember who said it, but funerals are for the living. I learnt that at that one!

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  14. I’m glad he’s processing it and talking. It’s good for both of you. Considering the circumstances, you were thinking amazingly clear. You needed to minimize the stress, protect Hawklad and yourself and have a close route of escape. It was actually a perfect and brilliant plan. Hawklad is so fortunate to have you as his dad. ❤❤

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  17. Its not unusual that you reacted this way Gary and that so much of it was dissociated after all dealing with two losses so close together truly was so so enormous.. I acted strangely at my Mother’s Funeral too, I kept a great distance and I did not have that added complication of a precious child’s sensitivity that you so naturally wanted to guard. How lovely that you did that for him.. Sometimes we only process this over time and maybe that is what is now happening. Sending you a big hug.. its so so much for you both to have gone through.. I am glad you can both talk about it.

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