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Anxiety

Anxiety is far too often an unwelcome visitor to our house. I have suffered from it since childhood. It got so much worse after the world changed. Never ending road. Virtual all the worries now focused on our son. Not sure I am that bothered about myself these days….

This morning I woke to that unwelcome guest again. So many voices in my head. All saying the same thing … son is due a anxiety meltdown. Unfortunately that was the truth.

Anxiety and Depression are real inhibiting factors for so many in our society. Research clearly indicates that the risk of suffering from these awful conditions are increased for those living in the world of autism. At least a two fold increase is often reported. Yet from personal experience this was never identified in any of the briefings or guides we received during our journey. It is just not addressed appropriately by society. This can and does have catastrophic results. In our case it took several years of pushy parenting before our son started to get some help.

It’s so difficult to unpick the anxiety for our son. Is it Aspergers related, is it Dyslexia related, is it bereavement related, is it human life anxiety, is it all four….

With our son we have a frequently returning swirling mix of worries and demons. They recede then they blast back. On really bad days they all materialise at the same time. He has many repeating spectres.

  • Dyslexia and it’s unwanted consequences.
  • Friendships and social interaction.
  • Not understanding this strange, alien world.
  • Fear of death (his, mine, his pets, his remaining family, the people he cares for).
  • Related to the fear of death is his fear of illness. Everything is catchable. Everything can be a risk. Every sneeze, every ache, every speck of dirt is a potential harbinger of a health disaster.
  • School. Homework, rules, punishments, no support, cold and scary environments.
  • Feeling different, feeling inferior, fearing the finger pointing, fearing being laughed at.
  • Running out of money, going broke, losing everything.
  • The climate, wrecking the natural world, world politics, Brexit. World is going wrong.
  • Being alone.
  • Having to fit into large social groupings.
  • Fear of being long term depressed.

This is someone so young.

Today it is the return to school and fear of illness. The anxiety vortex is building strength. The bag of tricks we try only helps take the edge off but doesn’t fix today. All we can do is just be busy. Constant activity. Try to stop the mind thinking. These apply to both of us. My world is full of anxiety today as well….

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 62 Comments

Sequel

When you need a smile here comes our own member of the Avengers. Captain Chaos.

As we surveyed the second attempt at a fudge cake.

“Well Dad the first one was burnt to a crisp. However the sequel has completely collapsed in the middle and smells of curry….”

This brought on a discussion about sequel (sort of) films.

Son thought the Depp Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was warmer and did not feature Charlie breaking rules. In his opinion Mike TV should have won the first movie.

The first Guardians of the Galaxy beating the sequel. Son believing the second was too sad at times.

The second Paddington movie just edging out the first one. Son thought the first one had a better story but the second was funnier.

The first Home Alone winning over its sequel. Son thought Kevin was just too annoying in the second and that the poor criminals were just unnecessarily tortured.

The second Jumanji edging the first one. Son found the second one just a bit more funny.

Any thoughts. Now onto the third fudge cake attempt.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 68 Comments

Sun sets.

We took the dog for an evening constitutional. This was three nights ago. Lovely sunshine then as the sun sets – suddenly the light was transformed. Not day and yet not night. The colours just so dramatic against the advancing black. Then just a few moments later – all gone. Just blackness. But no surprises, we know exactly when the sun was going to set.

Fast forward 3 nights.

That evening scene is etched in my brain. It’s such a metaphor for life, well my life. Happily walking along the path of life – so much light. Then suddenly a dramatic transition and everything changes. Within such a brief period of time the light is replaced with darkness. The big difference is that in life we just don’t know when this is going to happen.

I wish I had understood this a few years ago. We had plenty of time. We had years. So much time to have a second child, visit New Zealand, take our son to Lapland, spend every available hour together……. So wrong, so very wrong. So many unfinished dreams.

Please don’t make the same mistake. Seize the day before the sun sets…..

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 81 Comments

Frazzled

Frazzled that’s a good word. When I was younger I used it to describe the dreaded over heating meltdown the early laptops would often descend into. These days my laptop is that old and slow that it can’t even get warm – except for when the fat boy cat decides to sleep on it.

But now I have adopted Frazzled as my most common state of mind…..that’s even before school holidays start.

School holidays are fantastic as I get to spend even more quality time with our son. Yes I would prefer to sit with a cup of coffee in the happy knowledge that he is having wonderful adventures with friends. But this is a great backup option.

But one downside of school holidays is an outbreak of acute Frazzlement.

I start from a point of parenting fatigue. Then from breakfast until bed time I engage continually with a mind that operates on a completely different level to mine. One that runs at a speed way beyond the capacity of my really outdated brain. So many questions, so many different facts, so many different logic constructs. No outside world to help reset the brain. Rapidly my brain overheats and becomes frazzled. Son calls it Zombie Parenting. I’m there but the brain has shutdown. The simplest tasks become impossible. By the end of the day I am spent. Then you wake up even more tired and the cycle continues.

A blogger far cleverer than me talked about the desirability of having a backspace button options in life. I so so want a brain reset button. That would be fantastic. The chance to press reset then sit 5 minutes while the brain clears out the crap and reloads itself again. I would then be good to go again. Rather than wandering around for hours with an overheating and completely useless brain. System error messages pinging around the head. That’s my excuse for the poor level of my parenting currently. Today’s highlight has to be peeling a banana then handing our son the banana skin. Yes the actual banana had been binned. Not far behind that was trying to unload the bag from the Hoover … while the Hoover was still switched on… had to clean the ceiling.

Bring on Frazzled Friday.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 93 Comments

Gerbils

A couple of days back we set off for the pet shop to get a gerbil. A couple of hours later we had fallen for the story of the three inseparable brothers who they didn’t want to split up ……

Happy Son. Confused Dad.

Meet our three new faces. Cupid, Jeff and Hendrix. Unbelievably the house is already covered in wood chippings. Suspect I will need a bigger Hoover…..

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 97 Comments

Multitasking

Some can multitask some cannot. I am certainly in the latter camp. A few examples from yesterday to evidence the point

  • Attempt to make breakfast and prepare a pack up for lunch. Ended up pouring fruit juice on the cornflakes and using cold water in the coffee,
  • Driving to Doncaster and son asked my opinion on King James II. Two minutes later I had demonstrated a complete lack of historical expertise AND I also realised that I had missed our motorway junction,
  • I tried to pay the zoo entrance fee while holding a bottle of water and a cup of coffee. Although I did manage to purchase two tickets I also managed to drop the water and spill the coffee down my leg,
  • Trying at the same time to make soup, grill some vegetables and cut some carrots. Unbelievably I managed to not turn the cooker on the stove so the soup didn’t heat up, burn the vegetables and almost slice my finger off,
  • Tried to send a relative a birthday card while trying to make a telephone complaint to our broadband supplier. After posting the envelope I discovered the card still sat on the desk.

So I can’t multitask however our son…..

During the evening I found him sat with both iPads on his lap, while at the same time the TV was on. When I asked why the response was

“Somedays just don’t have enough hours to do all the stuff. Had three things I still really needed to do so I am watching a video about William Shakespeare on your iPad and a video about caring for gerbils on my iPad. Plus I am listening to a documentary about the Dinosaur mass extinction on the TV.”

Clearly from our later discussions he managed to absorb an unbelievable amount of detail from all three information streams. I could only dream of that.

Having said that if someone is so good at that how difficult can it be to put his dirty clothes in the washing basket…….

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Changes

We had a lovely trip to Doncaster Wildlife Park today. It was a relatively brief visit. He was a bit uncomfortable with the crowds, but as we got there early so we had an hour of relative quiet before the masses started to arrive. The animals all outside – basking in the warm sun…Yes warm sun and Yorkshire.

On the way back home he was getting increasingly agitated at the amount of building work appearing in the countryside. I have to say it is staggering and so frustrating. The amount of derelict and unused land in built up areas and we still decide to encroach on what is left of our unspoilt areas. Can we please leave just a bit of our beautiful planet for future generations.

A few miles later I asked our son what things he would change in the world today. Reading my mind he initially said

The last 4 Star Wars Movies

And

Buying that Alvin and The Chipmunks DVD

And

Giving the pup that really annoying squeaking Toy Crocodile

And

Buying those Lycra Cycle shorts (I added that one, what was I thinking of)

But eventually he answered for himself and the changes he proposed were revealing.

  • Tackling Climate Change
  • Not one more tree felled
  • U.K. NOT leaving Europe
  • Finding a way to end Terrorism
  • Replacing President Trump and Prime Minister May.

I really can’t argue with theses changes.

What would you change?

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 52 Comments

Cragfast

Somedays you wake and the world is full of hope. Yes it’s a challenge but you stride purposely towards the light.

Whether it’s the alignment of the stars, or the moon, or the lack of sleep or the weather or the cards are stacked against you or the demons have woken ….. but for whatever reason somedays the world appears different. You are alone and operating without a safety net. It’s is dark, cold and scary. Often I liken the feeling to a Tolkien like scene. You are stood on the ramparts of Helms Deep. It is cold and the rain pours. You are besieged by an evil army of Orcs. But this time you are stood alone and Gandalf isn’t riding over the hill top to save you that day. You feel like hope has deserted you. A battle you didn’t ask for and one you cannot win this day.

In climbing the dreaded word is cragfast. Basically you are stuck. You can’t go up, down or sideways. Less polite terms also exist for this ……

My mind drifts to The Eiger. Back to 1936. Four young climbers attempt to be the first to scale the infamous North Face.

Andreas Hinterstoisser, Edi Ranier, Willy Angerer and Toni Kurz.

On the ill fated ascent Hinterstoisser opened up the mountain with an astonishing traverse now named after him. Tragically they decided to remove the ropes they had fixed in that section. A huge storm set in so they tried to retreat. They discovered that the Hinterstoisser traverse could only be completed in reverse with the aid of fixed ropes. They were suddenly out of options. A suicidal decent was attempted. Over the next few hours three climbers died. Rescuers got close to the remaining climber Toni Kurz. But they did not have enough rope to reach him so they had to retreat leaving the young climber stranded. They left to the echos of a climber pleading not to be left alone. The next morning a second rescue attempt was launched but they found the young climber close to death. He quietly said “Ich Kann nicht mehr” – I cannot go on. He died feet from rescue.

The German 2008 movie of this tragedy “North Face” is one of the bleakest movies you will ever see. I have stood at the bottom of the North Face. Your mind can’t help thinking of those brave young climbers. Too many climbers have been lost here. It’s a truly cathartic experience.

What is the point of this post. I am not sure. Maybe it’s just about saying that life can be bleak and dark. You will come across times when you become stuck – cragfast. You find times when you are on the ramparts alone. You hope that when that happens people will come to save you. But rescues sometimes fail – even heroes stumble. These are the times you have to stand alone. Those are grim times. Times we must endure. You hope to just make it through the night. The morning may bring new light or a hero. Or you may have to struggle on for another day alone. It’s a sobering thought.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 34 Comments

Epic contrast

Thinking of spring reminded me of visiting Switzerland at Easter. Came across this photo. It’s amazing how the wild flowers have started blooming, the green has fully returned and yet you still got plenty of snow in the background.

The day before that we took the early train to Gringelwald. Found ourselves stood in 3 feet of snow and battling a blizzard. Then a few hours later eating ice cream and playing crazy golf, toping up the tan.

A contrast of epic proportions.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 75 Comments

A letter dilemma

Out of the blue I received a letter addressed to my partner. It was a friend who clearly hasn’t heard the sad news yet. Reading the letter was heartbreaking as this lady had tragically lost her husband. She was clearly in a bad place.

This leaves a dilemma. Do I tell her or not?

I know the right thing is honesty and I should inform her. And yet…. does someone who is in such a bad place really need another piece of bad news. I told our son when he noticed that I was distracted. Interestingly he said that I shouldn’t make her even more sad. I had assumed his Aspergers Truth Filter would have made him say – just tell her straightaway. It rather puts a lie to the frequently heard argument from experts that people on the spectrum are cold and uncaring.

Even after a few hours I can’t make my mind up.

It doesn’t help that I remember when my partner found out about a friends death. She had met this wonderful lady from Channel Islands on a trip to China. They became good friends. I remember she came to stay with us for a few days. We hadn’t heard from her for a few months. Unfortunately a birthday card my partner has sent her was returned unopened and marked ‘person has died’. It had such a profound effect on my partner, I’m not sure she ever fully healed from it.

The circumstances are different but do I want to put someone through this now. I really don’t know. I just don’t know….. What I do know is that I can feel those icy fingers of sadness starting to circle my soul again.