The 14th February has sneaked up again. Seems to come around every year these days. That’s the fifth since that summer from hell in 2016. That’s another reason to light a candle.
Prunes
Don’t you just love WordPress. It’s a bit like Prunes. You know they are good for you. So many benefits but a monumental pain in the backside….
Blogging is really so good for me but WordPress is a monumental pain in the ….. It just feels like wading through treacle.
Will it just once allow me to format the post as I want it to look.
Will it just once have a truly user friendly editor.
Will it just once not keep trying mess up my photos so I have to constantly keep on reloading them.
Will it stop showing me that my blog looks fine when some users can’t see the photos or only see messed up formatting.
Will it stop messing up a post when I dare to try and include a music or video link.
Will it stop changing all my text into micro font if I accidentally delete a bit WP doesn’t want me to do.
Will it stop randomly deleting people from my following list and then not bothering to tell me.
Will it stop randomly deleting comments I post.
Will it stop randomly deciding to freeze the iPad app. In fact will it stop freezing my iPad – it’s the only app that has ever done that for me.
Will the help desk stop blaming Apple for the working of its App.
WHINING OVER.
I like blogging. It helped me cope with loss. It helped me become a better parent. A better person. Made some great friends through it. Kept me connected with people during this period of isolation. So I guess I will keep taking my Prunes. The benefits are so worth it.
L
Here we go again
I came outside for some fresh air. More home schooling mayhem, messed up housework and lost clothing items. The usual stuff. Feels like a Nanny is required.
Oh Nanny where do we start.
Just hours ago I wrote about Pixar trying to flood the house with tears. Imploring them to at the very least give some warning before they try to break our hearts with death and bereavement.
So Pixar is on the naughty list and off the viewing list here for a while. They just can’t be trusted. Not with providing tear free family entertainment. So let’s stick with Disney. How about a good safe movie like Mary Poppins. How about the 2018 Mary Poppins version. That’s totally safe. The original was perfectly fine.
Oh Nanny what have you done.
Within 10 minutes we find a husband in a mess after his wife has died. Three kids to look after and a home soon to be repossessed.
REALLY……
I’m sticking to watching Peppa Pig and the TellyTubbies…..
Pixar
The sun always rises. It always rises in cartoons – eventually.
I so would like to have a word with those really talented people at Pixar Studios. You keep making the most wonderful cartoon movies. What a list
Toy Story, Cars, Monsters Inc, Nemo, The Incredibles, Wall-E, on and on
I don’t know how many times Pixar has become the essential Parenting Tool over the years for me. Keeping both child and Dad occupied and laughing. But I need to have words. What is it with the fixation with death and loss. Is it possible to go a few years without have your cartoons venture into the subject. If I want to be depressed then I can pick up a Leonard Cohen cd or watch Love Story. When I’m trying to find fun things to do like watch Pixar movies I really don’t want to venture into the sad stuff.
We endured UP the other night. It’s a great cartoon with some really funny bits. But man those first ten minutes where Carl losses his beloved wife before they lived out their dream. I was in buckets of tears. Really Pixar. It’s not big and it’s not clever….
So come on Pixar stop going all Love Story on me. Or at the very least bring in a labelling system. List movies like UP as ‘contains mega bereavement’ at least then I can prepare myself for it. Or even better do more movies that are just slapstick ‘buddy’ adventures where I can park my sad emotions for two hours.
Dance
I came across a really sad story. A story which those you have experienced loss will so understand.
A Walker would take her dog for a walk each day. She would often bump into an elderly couple who walk hand in hand. Often she would even see them dancing arm in arm on a bridge over a small river. Then the couple disappeared for a while. Then one day she saw the man dancing on the bridge, by himself. Clearly holding his beloved tight as if she was with him.
My heart breaks for that man.
Life can be horrendously sad yet that beautiful act of dancing with a lost partner demonstrates the power of love. Demonstrates why life can still be special.
Cold
It’s cold. Bracing on the hairy knees.
I remember my old grizzly rugby coach during those freezing cold evening midweek training sessions. Shouts of
“It’s like summer”
“Stop whinging, a bit of frost bite is good for the soul”
“Your not a southerner GET THOSE #£###%%@@@ GLOVES OFF…”
If you were found wearing gloves, hats or even a training top it meant trouble.
“Take them #@@@%%#### OFF and do 20 press-ups, then sprint round the pitch twice”
Today looking over the fence at the ice I definitely won’t be running round the pitch or doing press-ups. Will just grasp my hot drink just a little tighter. Think of memories. Many good ones. Some sad ones. It’s no surprise that the sad ones make me feel just a little bit colder.
I can remember walking across a field just after I had lost my partner. Wandering aimlessly across a snow covered field having just dropped our son off at school. Looking back and only seeing one set of tracks.
Yep grasp that hot cup just a little bit tighter.
Open my eyes
Too often I can’t see the wood for the trees. I’m looking but my eyes are shut.
Focusing on stuff that will probably never happen. Still hoping to walk down paths that are closed. Looking out into a landscape which is grey. Trying to find new adventures to find colour in life, but too often failing.
But then….
Two feet from the front door. Just a little bit of colour. Just a little bit of hope.
Just needed to open my eyes.
Other
I had one of those uplifting email exchanges with authority. To summarise the 97 million message trail.
Why have you ticked the box marked WIDOWED
Because I am and no other box seemed to apply
But you weren’t married so you don’t fulfil that definition
In my books I am
Your form will be invalidated if you use it
We were a couple living together for over 20 years. We had a child who and we were formally registered as joint parents living together.
That’s not recognised by the Government
So which box should I use as the other boxes don’t apply
Clearly you should tick the OTHER box
Well that’s good to know…..
*******
Things do need to change. I remember talking to someone from the village. He had been partners with someone since the 70s. When his partner died a couple of years back he was denied much needed support as he was classed as being single. Single even after living together for over 40 years. 40 years of looking after each other.
In Britain (and many other countries) if you are not married, if a partner dies you are treated differently. Denied financial support. Penalised with additional tax claims. And even more hurtfully – denied the right to call yourself a widow and classed as being single.
That has to change.
Why not
Red morning sky over the temporary farm lake.
Red sky in the morning – fisherman’s warning…..
Well the folklore weather phrase is almost right. The forecast is for the weather to cloud over as the day goes on and then the rain starts this evening. Lots of it. Two days solid heavy rain. Then the gales arrive.
That lake might just get a little bigger…..
We were watching the latest Wonder Woman movie last night. Don’t worry I’m not planning to give any major spoilers away. Now I could talk about a few scenes dealing with grief. But no. Not this time. Just to say that even in a bizarre, fantasy, superhero movie – they still can sting……
No the scene that I’m going to mention is one where a wardrobe is ransacked and different outfits are tried on. If you see the movie then you will know the one I mean. It was pretty amusing. But it got me thinking about my wardrobe. An IKEA sliding door brute that even Wonder Woman isn’t ever shifting. The wardrobe is little visited these days. Life happens and things change. I haven’t worn a suit since the funerals of 2016. Most of the shirts are untouched since they were last ironed dating back to when my partner was still here.
Since March 2020 we have been in our local family lockdown. I that time I have worn jeans just once. Walking trousers not at all. For months on end I’ve just lived in tracksuits, shorts, joggers, T-shirt’s, hoodies and jumpers. If your not going anywhere or seeing anyone then WHY NOT.
Maybe I should have a sort out. Get rid of sone stuff as I probably won’t be needing as many things going forward. But then again. What would I do with the space. I could get a much smaller wardrobe but without Wonder Woman’s help I’m not winning that battle with that IKEA beast.
So let’s leave it for the time being and get back to looking at the lake. A much more pleasant thought than that IKEA wardrobe one….
Putting off
The sun setting on another day. Another day of putting some things off.
Was it really 2016 when my partner died. Doesn’t seem like 4 and a bit years. But here’s the thing. I can’t work out if that time has dragged by or gone much quicker. 4 and a bit years just doesn’t seem right.
But 4 and bit years it is. That’s a long time putting stuff off.
The ashes are still sat on a cabinet with a view of the garden and fields. Not been scattered yet….
Her cds are still in a there in the corner of the room. They won’t ever get played. Doesn’t seem right to play them and we had completely different music tastes. Hawklad never plays cds and shares my music tastes. One day I should move them….
My partner’s photo albums are sat on the sideboard. I started sorting through them back in 2016 but stopped…..
I did quickly take her clothes to the charity shop. But then I found a few more items. These sit in the airing cupboard. Sat there waiting for me to decide what to do with them….
I sorted through her work papers. These are now sat waiting for me to have a bonfire to burn them. These are sat on the floor next to the desk. Just doesn’t seem right still to do that yet…
I could go on but you get the picture. Whether 4 and bit years seem like a long or short time. It just shows that loss and bereavement takes time. Each persons time will be unique to them. For me it’s definitely a long term journey. It’s also about Our son as well. What works for him. Long term means that we can take my time. Do it at our own pace.
A Dad trying to cope with the loss of his Partner and becoming a single parent. 