Why do I always hear Spock’s words to Captain Kirk whenever I try to do yoga.
“It’s life Jim but not as we know it!”
It’s yoga just not as we know it. That sums up my yoga talents perfectly. I do try. I guess it’s like my parenting as well – it’s parenting but not as we know it. Anyway back to that instrument of torture which is yoga. I’m part of the Yoga with Adriene App community. She’s really really good but even she can’t sort some people out. This person out. But at least I can laugh at the many times I lose balance and then hit the ground.
Like most things in life, we have to find our own way.
The last ME/MUPPET guide to yoga went down so well and it guided so many lost souls to yoga perfection – well then clearly you need another one. Again I will be assisted by some brave and fearless (mostly) mini lego figures. I will be played this time by Shaggy. Bizarrely the rest of the yoga group are Star Wars characters.
First point is that it’s so important that you get yoga mats, leggings and blocks that are the right size for you. Anything other than a perfect fit could lead to injury or worse, embarrassment.
A perfect fit for a yoga block
Remember to place your mat next to people who have similar abilities to yourself. In my case I tend to look at for certain key signs in the other yoga attendees. Badly fitting gym clothes, a few spare tyres round the middle, scrapes and bruises to the knees, bandages on the elbows, squashed nose and a slightly bemused look.
Perfect person to be next to ?
Be careful if you get your selection wrong then it will only ever end in disaster. Some people are better equipped to do certain yoga positions than others…..
Motorised hips, no arms and no knees make the crow pose so much easier.
Remember it’s a badge of honour to be the only person in the session standing on the wrong leg repeatedly.
I’m on the correct leg everybody else is wrong…
There will come a time when you will be asked to do a one legged dancer’s pose. Don’t be fearful, embrace it. Especially when you find out your the only person in the room who can’t do it.
Can you explain that move just one more time….
Breathe deeply. Struggle onto one leg. I find swearing really helps. Then as gracefully as possible try to headbutt the floor. You may get a sensation something equivalent to five neutron stars exploding in your hips. That will be the correct Dancer’s pose. A certain feeling of lower half detachment may follow.
That hurt…..
The other important tip is to embrace the journey you go on with the instructor. At the start of the session he or she may seem the nicest and most kind person you could ever hope to meet. In my case Adriene’s words are like a warming blanket, settling deep inside my soul. Then the true journey of discovery begins. After about 10 minutes your instructor will start to talk about ‘nice detoxifying hip openers’. At this stage you will now start to view the instructor as more akin to a prison guard, barking out instructions with the threat of a gun.
Do as you are told…
Your yoga journey will be complete when your instructor tells you to adopt the crow position so you can be ‘truly grounded and at one with the earth’. At that stage you will see the instructor as a predator, a carnivore about to feed on your lifeless and broken carcass . Don’t worry this is completely normal and just means that you still have 5 minutes to go before the session has ended.
Only 5 minutes to go before you have been properly tenderised.
I hope this has been of some use to you. Remember your body is a temple. Probably in urgent need of a preservation and restoration order. You can do this. NAMASTE….
This is a little tree which is close to our house. It sits at the side of the farmers field which backs onto our garden. It’s close by as a couple of my garden football shots have nearly hit it….. In the years that we have lived here it has never grown. It just seems to lean over a little further each year. I know how it feels…..
So many questions today. So many school work queries.
“Dad what are your thoughts on Gladstone‘s and Disraeli‘s political reforming achievements. They didn’t go far enough and do you think their colonial record negated what good they did do?”
“Dad what do you know about DNA structure and it’s impact on identical and fraternal twins?”
“Dad how would you write the mass of the earth in standard notation?”
“Dad in Animal Farmwhat does the character Moses represent and his relationship toSoviet history?”
“Dad have you ever studied John Agard’s poem FLAGS. Is it about the dangers of patriotism?”
“Dad I can’t get my head round French Verb Conjugation. Can you explain it to me?
As any self respecting parent would do I looked suitably vacant and thought wishfully back to the questions about which was my favourite Tellytubby. I was good at those questions.
Chestnuts are ready. Shame about the angry armour they leave behind.
Maybe I could do with some angry armour. It’s actually very possible given the advertising I’ve been receiving recently on my iPad. If I say angry armour enough then surely the Skynet computer system will flag up angry armour and then it’s adverts about sale offers on the latest Hulk Busting Ironman suit.
In this modern every situation is a selling opportunity world I understand the need for targeted advertising. But really can it be a little more, what’s the words I’m looking for – pigging accurate.
If I was targeting me then I would send adverts about decaf coffee, sleep inducers, heavy metal cds, gym kit, parenting guides, Pet Hair removers, Newcastle United footy shirts and muppet memorabilia. Guess what!!! Over the last month not one single advert received on any of these things. So exactly what have I been targeted with….
Adverts for international holidays to every country except the only one I write about every Sunday.
Stairlifts – we live in a bungalow.
Hunting clothing – I’m a veggie.
Swimming costumes – I can’t swim.
Gas Fires – the nearest gas main is 15 miles away, we can only use electricity and home heating oil.
Ornamental elephants – why?
Online casinos – never once done any like that but I have watched Casino Royal.
Prefabricated office space – why?
A home delivery service which is not available in our area, in fact the nearest location the service covers is 150 miles south of here.
Garlic oil – garlic sets my IBS off.
Sports Bras – we are a male only household, what is the point – just a minute, actually…….
Snooker tables – not played in 30 years.
Wine offers – I’ve been tea total in over 6 years.
Farm machinery – bit overkill for our little garden lawn.
Ornamental Storks – why?
Prams and baby walkers – no chance of babies here.
Makeup – Looking at me in the mirror I need cement.
And wait for it – a weeks advanced cooking course………
Is it me or am I just missing the point. They must have a very odd view ot me. Maybe tomorrow I get the chance of my angry armour.
I love the Autumn colours. The hot chocolate. The coming prospect of winter sports on the telly. An excuse to snuggle into warm, thick jumpers (sweaters). The dark skies filled with stars.
Some things I don’t like so much.
The dark days. The sense of isolation. The sense of foreboding. The rain. The mind numbingly cold wind. The rain seeping through the back door.
AND the leaves. Thousands of fallen leaves. For some reason our garden is seemingly the final destination for all the trees in the area. Today I looked at the neighbouring gardens, at most a couple of lonely leaves – all missing their buddies. Well I can tell them where they are. In my garden….
So it has started. Going to get a lot worse, well in our garden anyway…..
An apple crumble. One of my apple crumbles. Actually not a bad one at all. Very tasty.
Unfortunately not all crumbles are the same. Certainly not mine. Like the one I made a couple of nights back. All seemed on track. Apples picked from the tree. Apples cored, peeled and cut into pieces. Placed in a bowl and seasoned – generous helpings of sugar added – these are sour apples. Then a fine gluten free crumble was made and applied lovingly to the pie dish. The crumble was cooked at the right temperature and for the right time. A beautiful custard was prepared. Just perfect. What could possibly go wrong.
“Dad I can’t taste any apples. In fact I can’t find any apples in my portion!”
Nonsense must be there Hawklad. Your just imagining that……
Oh hang on I can’t find any apples in my portion as well, just crumble and custard….
**** So I went into the kitchen and there on the table was the unused bowl of apples. I had made Apple Crumble Surprise. The surprise being that it contained no apples. ****
The one thing that you get used to as an Aspergers parent is routine. Lots of routine. That’s tough for parents like me as I am not really a routine person. I’m a bit more impromptu. Bit more going with the flow, see what happens person. Maybe some would call it winging it. Which is most odd. On most of the old Aspergers tests I would score very highly yet on one I was way down. Routine.
On this Hawklad is completely different to me. He needs his routine, his order, his plans. He needs to have that safety net and he needs to follow them. It’s reflected in so many things. If we are driving somewhere then we need to follow the usual route, even if that means a much longer journey. He likes to wear the same types of clothing – if he grows out of them then we need to replace with almost exact copies. He has a TV and movie schedule which he sets way in advance. We will often watch the same movie over and over again. School lessons have to follow the timetable without variation. We need to buy the same types of pens and pencils. He likes to go out in the garden and talk at the same times. He doesn’t like me to do things like change my hairstyle or try new clothes. It’s funny I’ve been wanting to shave my hair off for years but that’s just not allowed.
Break the routine and he is immediately hit with waves of self doubt and fear. Over the years we have tried to work on this.Slowlytrying to introduce change. Occasionally trying to introduce unplanned but definitely fun routine changes. But it’s never really worked. Routine is just a key part of who Hawklad is.
Another area of much needed repetition is food. He has the same seven day food menu. The same foods on the same days, year after year. Trying new foods is just not something he does really. Normally ends in failure.
“Dad what on Earth is that.”
It’s a sandwich.
“Yes I can see the bread but it’s what is between that which is the worry.”
That will be cheese and onion crisps. It’s going to be one of the great gourmet experiences. A crisp butty. A crisp sandwich.
“Really. That is just wrong on so many levels.”
It’s fantastic. Go on try it. It’s a family tradition. Your Little Nan would always be treating herself with one. But her crisp butty would be made with Ready Salted crisps.
“Just No Dad.”
Ok. But if it’s not a crisp butty then what about a chip butty. A sandwich made from fried chips (fries) with heaps of tomato ketchup. Another true taste sensation.
“Erm NO. You can keep that as well.”
Ok Hawklad what about a fish finger sandwich. Fantastic.
“Not happening. That’s a tradition which is not passing down the gene line anymore. It ends with you.”
I admired this beautiful plant. Admired it as I was sat on the bench. I was actually sat on the bench to inspect my injuries. A rather too enthusiastic attempt to score a garden goal ended up with my head first in the hedge. A few cuts and scrapes but the flower took my mind off the pain. Can’t believe after all the damage, I didn’t score the goal. This was all done to the backdrop of Hawklad laughing his socks off.
“Dad do you want help getting out of thehedge. Are you ok?”
Hawklad concern is better when your not wetting yourself with laughter.
“It was like an albatross with too much in its belly trying to get into the air. Little legs struggling to pick up enough speed to take off. And failing spectacularly. That was too funny Dad”.
Hawklad that was a cracking goal
“You missed Dad. It was all for nothing.”
Oh man. I thought I had hit the target.
“You certainly hit the hedge, unfortunately the ball was less accurate. Actually it was very similar to your head. It ended up buried in the hedge. Shall I help you out Dad.
No I’m doing that by myself now.
“Dad you’ve left a big hole in the hedge. Maybe it’s your new art. Body dents in the natural world.”
I could tour the world hurling myself head first into different world landmarks.
“It’s a big hole you have left. Looks like a hippo has crashed through.”
Hawklad are you saying I’m as big as ahippo……
“Of course not Dad. That would be unfair on Hippos.”
Now you mention it, that is a big indent. Did I really make that.
“Yep. Being a responsible parent weren’t you Dad. It’s a good job I moved out of the way as you would have hit me.”
Responsible parenting goes out of the window when your son is taller than his Dad. Look at the bruises on my shins from your kicks. All the world great footballers have to endure the dastardly attempts to stop their artistry.
“I’m only defending myself from a charging hippo. Funny I’m not seeing Messi or Neymar playing in my garden. It’s more like Gloria from Madagascar. ”
Absolutely no appreciation from my so called son.
“That’s right Gloria. Now go and fetch the ball from the hedge….”
I will after Gloria sits down and inspects her injuries. Oh… Look at that flower.
Some combinations go so well together. Blue Sky and Yorkshire. Bill and Ted. Fish and Chips. Batman and Joker. Trump and publishing tax returns. Kirk and Spock. Tom and Jerry. Cheese and Onion. Boris Johnson and Lies. Spongebob and Crabby Patties……
We do have some random conversations in the garden. Just like today. No idea why but Muppet Dad and Hawklad decided to try and randomly combine things.
What do you get when you combine a Tom Hanks movie and a US President – Forest Trump.
Much groaning – but you get the point. This went on for hours. I must admit the really funny ones unfortunately fail the good taste censor. Maybe I will do a late night version of this. But some of the cleaner ones included.
Combine a infamous US building with a famous 70s UK Comedy series – Trump Fawlty Towers
Bringing together a Marvel Character and Whale movie – IronWilly
Bring together a movie about Hobbits and a Disney movie – Return of the Lion King
Combine a British PM with a Donkey – Doris
Combine a young wizard with Toy Stories Mr Potato Head – Harry PotHead
What do you get when you combine an Arnie movie with a popular kiddies series. The Smurfinator.
Try combining a popular burger with a bit of Shakespeare – Big Macbeth
I hear you cry – Please no more…. I will be kind. But the point is that we had been having a conversation about missed opportunities. Maybe if things had been different then we could have spent this sunny day somewhere else. Somewhere different. Maybe the beach. Walking in the hills. Hawklad could have been visiting friends. Maybe a trip to a historic site. But just a few minutes later we were having fun. Fun in the garden. Making the most of what we have available to us. Sometimes the best place to have fun. To find happiness is rather close at hand.
We live on a hill. A not very big hill. But a nice one. This is the slope dropping down into the flat Vale of York. The Vale stretches for mile after mile. This gentle grassy slope is also our sledging run during winter. It’s not very steep but it’s long enough to generate enough speed. Enough to send this Dad flying through the air. That takes lots of momentum. Even those massive NASA Saturn 5 rockets would struggle to lift my butt into the air.
We don’t get much snow. But when we do it’s time to get to our hill slope.
What could possibly go wrong. The first time we tried sledging here Hawklad asked if I would safety test the run first. I reassured him that it was perfectly safe. I set off from the top and a few seconds later smashed into the tree at the bottom. I was like a precision guided missile. A missile with a large butt carrying much momentum. At least the padding helped protect me.
So when the snow comes again – what could possibly go wrong.
A Dad trying to cope with the loss of his Partner and becoming a single parent. 