Something has been nagging at me all day. Just can’t get it out of my head. Even the two cows couldn’t shake the feeling.

I picked son up early yesterday from school. We had a doctors appointment before we set off for Manchester Arena. As we walked out of school we passed his class walking in the other direction. Half of the class completely blanked our son even though he said ‘Hi’ a few times to them. But that might have just been me my presence – that’s what I am trying to convince myself.

The bigger worry is that a few of the kids did speak to him. One kid asked if he was going home. When our son said yes the kid replied with a really sarky comment. Then as we walked on I heard a couple of other rather unpleasant comments directed at our son from some of the other kids. These were also greeted with much laughter. I really hope our son never picked up on these. Luckily I think he did miss the meaning.

I realise school is a bear pit some days. But…

I had hoped he was slowly starting to fit in. Maybe I was deluding myself. That thought feels like a dagger to the heart. Yes it could just be just normal playground antics which have been going on for years. I remember as a kid getting the ‘specky four eyes’ comments. Many of the other kids got far worse. But it is a worry. Pointless speaking to school as they say he is fitting in well with a number of friends. The school does seem to count friends as anyone who sits next to our son in a lesson – regardless of whether a teacher has instructed that child to sit next to him or not.

Just going to have to try and make this weekend even more fun for him.

102 thoughts on “Parent worries”

  1. This really cuts down to the heart when you see that your child is not getting along with other kids. Hope you can come up with a solution.

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  3. I felt this with you Gary. Kids can be so damn hurtful. I too felt the dagfers with you. I hope you can have a weekend of fun. For o ce, there’s going to be sun!

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      3. Gary every time I read about what is happening to your son, and you too, my heart bleeds. I feel it with you. I just wish that things were different and that the world could be a kinder place. I often think it is the survival of the fittest, and that if you are not one of those, you get trampled underfoot, and that people just pick on youand don’t care. There are some caring people in the wkrld, but I really wish it was your son’s teachers and the authoritis. Also, I DO know what it is like for help to suppisedly be there but then when you try for it, it is not there at all. I feel yoyr exhaustion in all your wirds Gary. All I can do is send a heartfelt hug, and say keep letting it all out. We can at least listen. ❤️

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      5. Thankyou Gary. You are so right. I think it is called scapegoating. But it ruins the life and happiness of so many. I see your son as a great lad, with so many gifts. I see his intelligence. I see his ability to discern. I just see so much, and if only someone would look at him as an individual, and not just one of the herd,bthen he could do great things. But you know all that of course, and I grieve with you that this is not happening. Hugs back to you Gary xx

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      7. Aww. I too wish he could have a shedload of friends. I so understand about him being happier living in isolation though. It’s not easy Gary.

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      9. That is SO true Gary. Doesn’t stop your own feelings on it though.m,all I know is that you are, despite all the ups and downs, and despite your own feelings on it, a brilliant parent doing a really hard job, with all of authority against you. I for one applaud you. Lots of love to you Gary xx

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  4. When I was headmaster we did some orientation with our students when we child on the autism spectrum join the class. It helped create a more accepting class environment and made the students more understanding.

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  9. I’m so sorry to hear your child is struggling. I had those issues myself as a kid in school and my kids had them as well. You’re right that talking to the school is virtually useless. You’re a good dad for being concerned about his well-being and wanting to make his time off from school more enjoyable. You have a lot on your plate and it sounds like you’re doing a great job.

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  12. The world is not now, never has been, and likely never will be, a fair place. Kids will do what they always do, in forced social groups, largely taking their lead from parental figures and also from their peers – mob mentality.

    We can try to change things as much as we ever may – there is some progress being made in a few areas of our modern society, but there are still many who cling to long held beliefs – good and bad.

    But as the parent of a child i believe it is your job to do the best you can to enable him to accept that there are all kinds of people in the world and that often you will just not get on with some of them and some will even hate you just for you being you, no matter what you do or try to be.

    It is not fair. but it is fact, and the sooner we can deal with it the happier we can be.

    Make sure his sense of self-worth cannot be bent by, or depend upon, other people – and don’t forget to do the same for you. 🙂

    Good luck, Sir!

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      1. How successful he can be in the former is vital to how well he does the latter. 🙂

        We have to be careful too that our ego does not get over-inflated (or crushed) in the process. He just has to believe he’s the Greatest while staying supremely humble and maintaining a robust sense of humour – seemplesness! 😉

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      3. If we did not know better it would almost be like there is a plot to make us all conform to fit the ‘one size’ – much like the Chinese government aims for their population…. and many others besides.

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      7. Please don’t ignore your gut feeling. The behaviour you saw and heard is bullying. Make a written record of the incident. Arrange a meeting with your son’s teacher. Give them a copy and ask for a copy of their anti bullying policy. Maybe check out some of my Bullying & Beyond posts. Be proactive, don’t sit back. Once a child is targeted, bullying has a habit of continuing and the effects can be detrimental to a child’s mental and physical health & wellbeing, I know, we’ve been there and it’s not a pleasant story. Le grà, Marie

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      11. Oh dear, psychological abuse often goes unnoticed. Keep checking in with your son and watching for any changes in his humour or behaviour. He’s lucky he has you in his corner, unlike some children who lack support at home.

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    2. Excellent comment, but consider if you subject a trained soldier to torture for long enough there is a good chance they will crack. Subject a child or a child with special needs to bullying for long enough no matter how well adjusted they are and despite the belief that children with good confidence and self esteem rarely get bullied, I will contend otherwise, any child can be the target of bullying. Maybe check out my post Bullying & Beyond…B&B How rare is rare.

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      1. There will always be other people in the world who will ‘pull/try to knock’ you down. If we are not aware this is the case it is difficult to defend one’s self from it.

        I’m just saying anyone can cope better if they can build up their own esteem instead of making it up from, or depending to some extent upon, the judgement/opinions of others. Knowing yourself, having unshakeable belief that you are a loving individual worthy of respect is a better way to go than to place value what others might think about you.

        In this line of thought building up self-esteem based upon the shallow, but positive opinions, of others is nearly as harmful as having it knocked down by the negative one’s from others.

        It is what is inside of us that is what we need to build up and upon. Always, of course, being aware of our own egos, and of our social nature. Freed of any ‘outside’ constraints we are capable of becoming our own worst enemy if not careful.

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      2. Great comment. Very true awareness is key! And self love is the foundation. Often bullying can target even what is inside of us if it is sustained for long enough. Consider marital abuse for example where the victim is rendered powerless, despite being a professional or resilient person, by the constant and on-going barrage of bullying. So consider how vulnerable are children? Thank you for your thought provoking response.

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  13. I hate to say this but….he probably does pick up on the comments. Or at least the vibe. Autistic people are very sensitive to vibes. He may try to hide his hurt from you though. My kids didn’t tell me stuff as they didn’t want to disappoint me. It’s only since they’ve left school behind that they are finally opening up about what used to be said to and about them. And that was in a school where the teachers claimed they were getting on fine with their peers. In fact, we were told they were lucky they were in with such a “lovely bunch of kids”.
    Hopefully you can do more stuff outside school, like that concert, to try to distract him, and yourself, a bit.

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  14. It’s a knife to our hearts alright. Kids and their parents can be cruel. Our response to our kids’ pain was to give them love, support and understanding as well as teach them coping skills. Oh were we angry and upset out of earshot, I wanted to skin some people alive, but kids don’t always need to see or hear that. The calmer we are, the stronger they become to accept and respond to school cruelty in a detached and mature way. They might get upset that we’re not reacting more but I found that my lot calmed down a lot faster if I was cool.
    But I think the best we did for them was to give them a home they could return to each day, where love was unconditional, hugs aplenty, jokes and good food. It helped take out much of the sting out of many a wounding.
    You’re giving your son exactly that kind of a home. How many others are?

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  16. Pingback: Parent worries – A Dad trying to cope with the loss of his Partner and becoming a single parent. – International Badass Activists

  17. Once more I am so appalled by the lack of compassion and sheer idiocy that these children and teachers you have to deal with. However and this is more important than anything else:
    you are always there for your son. You are teaching him how to be a great adult who is going to be compassionate and caring towards others. I am constantly at T if I hear him making comments to his friends on line that I construe as negative he hears it from me. As do his friends as I stand in his bedroom door. I find that behaviour unacceptable and refuse to allow it in my house. T may hate me for a while as I mold him into a productive caring adult but I am not going to let him turn into a bully and moron. You are doing an absolutely amazing job parenting your son. 🙂

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  19. I am so sorry your son is subject to such behaviour and comments by other pupils. No-one likes anyone who is ‘different’ and most lash out in spite. It’s the same everywhere, child or adult, school or workplace alike. However, your lad seems to rise above it all and is a credit to you, though from your posts I can understand both his and your anxiety. There is only so much one can take ‘on the chin’.

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  20. Children act basicly stupid at that age. Perhaps asking school to assemble and you explaining to children and families what Aspergers is.? Ignorance breeds hate. I apologize if advise offends. Please tell me to butt out.:))

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  21. I’m sorry to hear that. Kids can be so cruel. My 6yo daughter came home recently and asked what to do if someone bullies you and says sorry. I was immediately on alert. She wouldn’t say anymore and now I’m just worried.
    I really hope those kids leave your son alone.

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  22. Sad reality for your son, is that the system is designed only for sheep who bleat the same tired crap at each other. Hopefully, somewhere in your son’s psyche, he can block the meaningless insults as so much useless crap. A worry for you, nevertheless. Perhaps you can ask your son to document anything that worries him and share it with you only when he is ready to do so. I know his writing skills are not great, but writing in a diary of sorts, can help stop replay in the mind (constant worry), especially if he can also document his own solutions (cathartic) .
    I. E. “So and so, called me a bad name today, and everyone laughed. Made me angry. I will avoid them in future and write down every time they call me a bad name. ” When it is 5 times and I am still OK, I’ll know that those words can’t hurt me.

    It is difficult to control. Very often complaints to the school filter down as verbal reprimands to the perpetrators making them find even worse ways to abuse, or all their friends join in. It is the rule of sheep to all bleat at once.
    I feel for you both! 😔

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      1. Great thing to have a memory map (wish I had one, it would be very useful as I keep saying people are dead, when in fact they recovered and are very much alive, which is embarrassing in conversations…) but, back to your son. If other people are to believe anything, he has to use the tools of lesser minds. Writing it down, with dates, is a little more acceptable if you are able to help him. 🙂

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      3. Tough one. What about a graph system for good stuff and bad stuff… He could plot his way through it. Turn that memory map into statistical data?

        Or perhaps a jigsaw puzzle…. colour coded pieces placed for good and bad, or indifferent (he’d have to pick the colours), then you’d know, looking at the colours he fills in, what kind of days he has and eventual result. (You could photograph the jigsaw each day to record progress). Trying to think outside of the box (like your son might). Having something tangible to record his mind map, might be calming.

        Hope you find a way. Bullying comes in all kinds of forms and it can change a kid so much. I wish that you could win a lottery so that you can have the resources to give him more support. But you are the person who makes it all OK in the end, so keep on trying. Your son has you to keep him upright in a rather callous world.

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  24. Oh….yes, I worry about this often, too. The boys have often been called weird–worse if Bash is aggressive. Bash thrusts himself into games so often without knowing the rules that he ends up frustrating the other kids and causing the game to end in a fight. The Biff so often just wanders around by himself, talking through his own stories. While I’m happy to see him creative, how lovely it would be if someone else could join in…but I think that’s part of it. Other kids don’t think like Biff. He’s so often caught up in something other kids do not care about. Do I make him give u his passions so he can fit in better with other kids? Or do I let him enjoy what he loves, and wait for friendship to find him?

    I’d rather his heart be happy and content as it is.

    And Bash? I’m thankful he doesn’t give up. If we can help him tame his temper, then I know he’ll be okay. xxxxxx

    Hope you’re okay, too.

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    1. It’s so tough.. I’d rather son be himself then if he does make a friend then his friend will be loving who he really is. I tried to force it for a while but it doesn’t work. Weird is not an easy word to hear is it. It’s strange how the daydreams about parenting you have end up being like the real thing. A temper is hard but it is something you can work on over time. Xxxxxxx. Hanging in there. Been better but it’s ok.

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      1. Yes. I think we’ll both be okay. Weird is damn hard to here, even though I say that of them, too…cuz they are. I think it hurts because so often the kids who say it area ALSO weird, but they’d never call themselves that.
        So I do it…nice-ish. “We’re all weird, kid,” I’ve said more than once. I’ve yet to get push back for it. 🙂
        It helps to remember what things were like five years ago. Things were REALLY bad then, mentally and physically. Time doesn’t always heal, but time can help one learn. xxxxx You hang in there too.

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