Fast coming up to four years since my little world changed forever. One day maybe Hawklad will write about his feelings. I won’t try and second guess them or put my words into his mouth. So it’s time for a bit more me, me, me….

2016 sent me into some really dark places in my mind. My life was shaken to the point that the foundation’s crumbled. Those dark places are scary and very lonely. I felt completely helpless and alone. I was suffering in silence. Unable to think straight and utterly disoriented. Thankfully I never got to the point of suicidal thoughts but I now better understand why far too many sadly do.

When I did pick up the courage to admit this what did I find. I quickly realised who were true friends and who where not. I found a health service starved of resources and with little interest in mental health. The health professionals I saw operated from the same care pathway protocol. Ask SIX questions to determine if I was suicidal. Once suicide was ruled out I was prescribed some antidepressants and sent on my way. There should be many more options on the care pathway, but these require funding which is just not available. I’ve still got the unopened boxes of antidepressants somewhere. Clearly that pathway didn’t work for me.

What got me through those dark times was our son. I had to give Hawklad the best possible childhood. I had to be the very best parent I could possibly be. I had a purpose. That was the key, A PURPOSE. A meaning for life. A reason to live. Without this I dread to think how much darker those dark places would have been. Things like antidepressants would have just been a short term fix. A way to temporarily mask the real emptiness. It would have been the same with things like alcohol, or gambling or splashing the cash on a new car or big television. Just short term fixes. The only way they would have worked for me would have been to continually try to top them up. Continually trying to hide the real underlying issue. The need for a reason to live. A reason to pick myself up again every time I fell.

So looking back my dark places were fundamentally about not being able to see a reason to live. A meaning for life. Bereavement masked them from my view. Suddenly I had no dreams, had no reason to endure the pain. As soon the parenting penny dropped they slowly started to dissipate. Life opened up again. Four years later I believe that I am living again.

77 thoughts on “Meaning of life…

      1. I’m so curious about those superhero names you’ve come up with. Still keeping my identity secret… for now. One of these days it will be revealed. Don’t know when. It’s as much of a surprise to me. Don’t think it’s in the line up this week. Maybe next week.

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  1. I can’t imagine the emotional roller coaster you have been on having experienced so much loss, and still facing the need to be an “emotionally in control” parent. You really are a Superdad. I am thinking of you guys during these anniversary weeks.

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  2. I can so relate to this post because while I’m fourteen months into this journey, it took TEN months to get mental health care simply because I had a primary care physician who wasn’t “listening” and treated me like I had a common cold – “take this, this, and this and get some rest.”

    After I got rid of her, I found professionals who understood and cared… and listened.

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      1. Exactly. Why is it so difficult? I believe people go into these professions with the best of intentions and get buried in the bureaucracy…just like those of us who need them.

        I lost the best physician I’ve ever had because he was being pushed to see fewer patients and write more grants and papers. He retired seven years early to escape the chaos. 😔

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      2. Exactly. And I’ve never understood how it’s acceptable to put profits ahead of the people you’re supposed to be serving. That’s something most countries seem to have no issue with.

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  3. You were brave to face things with a clear mind. That is probably part of why you feel like you are living again. You are going through the process instead of trying to deny or numb the grief with substances. And that parenting love is of the strongest stuff on Earth. 💕

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  4. I’ve never dealt with the death of a person close to me, but I *do* understand the devastation of sudden loss. My first experience with total deconstruction was a result of this loss.
    I had a purpose and that kept me going… somehow.
    When things began to get better, about a year later, is when I fell apart. When I gave myself permission to ease up a bit, I completely lost it. I was fortunate enough to be in therapy at the time and I took full advantage of it.
    We all take different roads, but with luck, help and a reason to keep going, we eventually get where we need to be… back in the middle of LIFE!💌

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  5. So glad you are finding your way out of that dark place. I’ve been there too, not because I lost a partner, but still a deep pit and being needed is definitely the key. That lad of yours will have needed you so much. I am sure he will remember what you’ve done for him.

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  6. “What got me through those dark times was our son. I had to give Hawklad the best possible childhood. I had to be the very best parent I could possibly be. I had a purpose. That was the key, A PURPOSE. A meaning for life. A reason to live.”
    ~ Finding our purpose in life is like a candlelight in the darkness. So glad that you’ve found yours ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  7. ‘There should be many more options on the care pathway’ …100% agreed. I am so grateful you had your son to give you focus and purpose. He is your meaning to life and there will be other, new meanings that appear along the way. Our love for our children is often what keeps us moving forward even in the darkest of times. X

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