It’s one of those nights where everyone can sleep perfectly except for one person. I really could do with at least a few hours rest but it just won’t happen. Too many worries. When your tired the worries just keep circling around in your mind. Making you more tired but increasing the stress levels so you can’t sleep. So many worries circulating.
With the passing of his last grandparent this September this will be the first Christmas Day when it’s going to be just the two of us.. This is on top of this being the first Christmas since THAT SANTA CHAT.
Are we at the right school.
Is it time to consider sleep medication for our son. He’s got to sleep reasonably early tonight but that’s a rarity.
Which Dyslexia programme to pay for.
Should he return to school today even though his hand is still not right.
Son has not had a holiday in three years.
What happens to our son if something happens to me.
Do I replace the malfunctioning washing machine.
Can I get a couple more months out of the car tyres
Getting further behind the work schedule.
A few too many bills.
I’m not going to resolve any of these in my present mental state. I need to switch the brain off. So I’m going to try something completely left field. A hot milk (I don’t really like the stuff) and lights off then switch on. When our son was a baby he wouldn’t sleep. So we bought him a night light projector – he hated it. So tonight I’m switching on the baby projector. Lets see if the projected little blue and red stars can soothe this tired sole tonight.
DEEP BREATHS – MOVE ON
Grief is a double edged sword. Yesterday felt like repeated thrusts to the heart. Focusing on what has been lost. That ‘why did it happen to me’ feeling. Everything reminded me of the loss. That video. Sad songs. Radio advertising – anything from where to go for your romantic Christmas meal to the perfect present for your loved one. Her favourite painting. Her favourite cat. That empty bed.
The walk, the wet walk did help a bit. It did help me get focused and ready for our son.
Today I’ve experienced the other side of the grief sword. The positive side. Now the focus is on how privileged I am. Even someone like me was able to experience 16 golden years. Romance. So many happy memories. A beautiful, perfect son. Grief is really everlasting love. That is something which can’t be lost.
For the first time in years I sat with my laptop doing some admin with breakfast TV on. I don’t know why, maybe the house just seemed too quiet. Then it all changed.
The TV programme showed an advert in support of a campaign to help lonely people in the U.K. – 1 Million Minutes. Within two minutes I was a flood of tears and a world of pain. I hadn’t realised the advert was about people who had lost love ones. Bearing in mind I cried watching an Indiana Jones movie. This took it it a whole new level. I’m still really shaky an hour later. Just thank god our son didn’t watch it. Not really sure why I’m sharing this or what I’m wittering on about. I think it probably shows the enduring power of love. Going to take the dog for a very long walk.
The video link is below.