I couldn’t sleep last night. Maybe two hours max. Event after I abandoned and a few minutes later I had a chamomile tea in hand and was channel hoping. I stumbled across some really cheesy B-movie. Then one of the actresses delivered this line

The hardest thing for me after my husband died was having to be nice to my family.”

Wow. That must have been some family. But it got me thinking. What was the hardest thing about losing my partner back in 2016. Strangely worrying about being nice to my family didn’t feature. The Worst Thing Thoughts that did pop into my head were.

Telling a young son his mum had died

Empty beds

Feeling utterly alone

The dark thoughts

Losing all my dreams

Getting up in the morning and facing the world

That final goodbye at the funeral

Trying to sort through my partners clothes and favourite possessions

Hearing her favourite song on the radio

The deathly silence in the house when our son was at school or asleep

Those were the emotions that I went through in the immediate aftermath. But then something else kicked in a few months later. As I started to clear my head this thought kept dominating my thought. Going forward – “I didn’t want to feel this pain of loss again“. The pain was too much for me. I needed to stop myself from getting close to people again. The feeling of isolation that came from thinking that was utterly soul destroying.

So there you go. I’m disagreeing with a cheesy B-movie, but every loss is different. So family pains can be just as intense as the many I went through. The B-movie did pass some time. It ALSO was so boring that I nodded off. Nodded off still holding my mug of tea. Yep I ended up wearing most of that. Thankfully only lukewarm. Yes piping hot tea would have been a pain I could definitely do without.

54 thoughts on “Pain

  1. Reading this, brought back so much from when I lost my husband in 2017. From my side of the pond and my side of the heart, I understand. I did have issues with his family, but that is irrelevant here. My intention is only to say I understand the sadness and my hope for you is healing, strength and peace.

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  2. I have no words Superdad. I can’t even imagine how painful that stretch of the journey was for you. I’m so sorry.

    I’m glad the tea was lukewarm. You stay out of the rain. ❤

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  3. Never had a partner to lose, but I have thought about how it would be to lose someone like that, and your thoughts do not surprise me. Especially never wanting to feel that pain again. But that is life, isn’t it…there is no pleasure without pain, no love without eventual grief. One is supposed to only remember the joy but when you are hurting so much all you can think of is what you’ve lost. You learn to live with it, but never get over it, I am sure. Being in lock down has certainly been no help. I still think you should write a book. Many could learn from your experience. By the way, I find Dramamine helps me to sleep…stops nausea too!

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  4. Correct me if I’m wrong, but if memory serves, you were also mourning the loss of your mother at that time. A double whammy! Pain squared (if it were a Math problem). Grief is such a strange animal and seems to affect people so differently. When out mother died I wanted to talk, my sister, on the other hand, could not bear to talk about it. You went through an awful lot, and really, are still going through it. I think the death of a life partner is vastly different than any other grief. I cannot imagine how painful. Two years ago I was certain my husband was at death’s door – just having to face the prospect was so utterly painful. You helped me a lot at that time. Happily he’s still here, even if his health continues to be a struggle.

    I have used gravol when I really needed to sleep. I’ve also used Melatonin, which works well and without the grogginess gravol leaves me with. I did learn if I cut gravol tablets in half I still got to sleep without a lengthy hangover from it the next day.

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  5. I feel your pain. I had to tell my son that he’d lost his dad, the favourite songs still hurt at times and the bittersweet moments when I’m filled with pride at something he’s done or another milestone in life met and I wish his dad was here to see. I was blamed by his family for his death n it was easier to distance myself from them where possible. He was an alcoholic n it was my fault that I didn’t stop him drinking, despite us separating 4 years before he died and him living with them. Grief is a very strange thing and affects us all in different ways. The “theory of everything” broke me as there’s a line in it that I still wish I could say to his dad. My son is 18 now n has ASD and all the worries we shared have been blew out of the water as he continues to do what we feared he couldn’t. I do hope you’re feeling better. It certainly isn’t easy going it alone.

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  6. Firstly… that sky… WOW! the Moon gives some perspective on just how big that sky is. And so beautiful!!

    I’m glad you were able to catch some more Zzzzzz. 2 hours is definitely not enough. I can understand not wanting to experience pain again, but I hope your heart is still open. The level of pain shows the depth of the love. You never know what the future holds…😉

    Cheesy B movies are good for something it seems😂💌💌💌

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  7. When the love of my life died from cancer when I was 23, it felt like the end of the world. 40 years on, he is still part of my daily thoughts. It was the end of our plans and it certainly took a long time to even begin to contemplate other.ones.
    Hugs to you and Hawklad.

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  8. “Yes piping hot tea would have been a pain I could definitely do without.” LOLOL this is so very true! lolol we could all do without that indeed. 😛 …. wow while reading this post I literally felt my heart cried immensely on the inside. 💔💔💔 may God continue to heal you and your son in JESUS name. Blessings, strength and peace. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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