My partner loved the Moors. She was always happy there. When our own family lockdown ends it will be one of the first places we visit again. It was one the first places visited after she had left us. It did take quite a while but we made it.

Is it really 4 and half years.

I have often talked about a vivid image that really helped me over that time. My grief felt like I was stood next to a closed door. A door that had suddenly locked shut and would never open again. I could see what’s behind the door. Memories. I can’t change or add to them. Just look at them.

So I had a choice. To stand by that locked door or take a leap of faith. Set off into the dark and see if I could find some new doors. Doors that are open allowing new memory experiences. I could either can actor or just a memory viewer.

I have mostly set off in search of new doors. Mostly…..

This door image has worked for me but I never fully understood its meaning. I always had a feeling that there was to it than life needs living. Why did it help with my grief. Why did it make me feel more at ease with myself.

I’m currently reading The Book of Joy by the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu. Suddenly the penny dropped.

In the book they talk about grief and dealing with suffering. They made a simple point that really struck home. Grief can either help lift a person up or drag them down. The secret is the focus. If you focus on the person you have lost, what they believed in, what they hoped for, their dreams THEN grief can have a positive side. It demonstrates LOVE. It can motivate you to live. ‘A determination to fulfil their wishes’. But if you focus on yourself then grief can bring you down. Focusing on things like how can I cope, how can I manage as a single parent, how bad will my life become. Those thoughts are negative and run the risk of dragging a person down.

Suddenly my image has meaning to me. Remaining stood by that locked door was not about my partner. It was about me. I was doing what I thought I needed to do. My partner had hopes and dreams that would not be nurtured by me remaining by that door. To keep those hopes and dreams alive, I HAD TO MOVE. Searching for new doors is best for my partners legacy, it’s best for our son, and yes it’s best for me. The end result is much more likely to be positive and uplifting.

It’s taken me over 4 years to suss that out. I actually don’t feel to bad about that. It took the great minds of the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu to work it out for me. That’s not a bad couple of minds to defer to.

We can do this. It will take time but WE can do this.

86 thoughts on “Meaning behind the door”

  7. If you ever feel stuck again, dragging down… just ask yourself what she would do, or want you to do.😉 From everything you’ve written about her, she would want you and Hawklad to keep *living* and making new memories. She would want your laughter, not your tears.
    Moving forward is the best way to honor her life. Making new memories with her always with you!
    You SOOO got this! And we’re here with HUGS or an occasional kick in the butt to get you started😉😂😂😂💌💌💌💌

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    1. Don’t get me wrong, for I really do love a good belly laugh 🤣 and welcome each jolly along the way and love the idea of being happy, but also I allow my tears (some seem to be satisfied in the confines of the staff loo) and others too I say let them at it (just for a little while, but if they keep going I seek help). I feel the need to embrace all my wobbly bits and let other so the same, from the hilarious unexpected laf 🥳 the flat misunderstood joke being tolerated with a smirk 😏 🤪 the welcomed as planned one practiced joke that go really well, the surprise gift of chocolate like contentment, but also the “Why?” and upset tears 😢 those really scared sobs 😭 or even an angry face 😡 trying hard to cope… for it all comes with the job of being a human. We all seem to be on this wonderful jaunt of a path, up hill, through a valley, round a magnificent mountain to take in the view of so many streams of emotions. Yep, I like being human, not always proud of the species, but most of us seem to be doing our best, bless us, bless all our wobbles of tears and laughter.

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    1. All our dreams and ideas flow into the new dreams and ideas, becoming different as they develop as the situation changes, with no strict rules, just the instruction to do our best. We get a gold star if we do (even if it has to be self administered within). 💖

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  10. I just want to say, Gary, the book was just a catalyst. The one doing the real work is you. They already had that answer for themselves. You needed to process it for yourself. I have no idea how long I have been reading your blog, but that whole time was spent waiting for you to wake up to yourself. It seems you are now doing it. Action may not be immediately easy, but the more you try, the easier it will become. Was it you who wrote the quote the other day, “all journeys start with the first step.” Congratulations on taking your first step!

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  11. We all work through grief in individual ways and to each grief differently, because each person grieved is different and each relationship. My grief list includes parents, my first child, my fifth, other relatives and friends, but “Oi, oi, oi!” before anyone thinks it “NO!” not at my hand! I’m no cereal killer, so if you’re Snap, Crackle or Pop of the Rice Krispies kind, you’re perfectly safe with me mate ~ unless of course I have a bowl ~ some almond milk ~ a sprinkling of sugar ~ and then watch out ~ for I will chase you with a spoon! ~ ~ ~ {{{hehehe}}} I digress.
    Thing is, in times of deepest grief, it’s like you’ve shared: a closed door. At the moment of slamming shut locked, it seems a transparent door to a fixed moment. Then time ticks quick and the door is opaque to fixed solid. I’ve worried about that, turned to photos to try to help paint the door 🎨 to remind me of what lays beyond it. Each time I paint over the cracks in my memory, the paint is like reused plasticine and it all turns a mucky grey brown 🚪 as I say to myself “I can paint with that”, but in times of more clarity my conclusion always comes to this:
    1) Doors shut for a reason and what is beyond is none of my business.
    2) This (I look around me) is my business.
    3) These things (thinks about what is important right now) are what I need to be getting on with.
    So, who’s for something simple? 🍚 🥄

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  13. Everybody deals with things differently because everyone is different but some things are constant people are trying to make sense of it all, people are trying to get through this gaping hole. BUT there does come a point as you are now at, where a little time passed leads to you seeing these doors, or that the railway carriage you were sat in the siding in, is one you are failing to keep certain of that other person’s hopes/dreams alive in, is one you can’t sit in forever. And yes there will still be times when you fail at this. No road is ever a straight walk but what you have said today is the start.

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      3. On my return, I had absolutely zero tolerance for the bull shit of injustice and oh the hell I brought with me was like a thunder cloud waiting to rain on anyone who was being horrid to anyone else. Bullies to other kids, teachers not listening, they all got a little taste, well some more than others. It could have been predicted, still, it weren’t and yet no one got seriously hurt. Some of it I smile about now, for especially the two bullies in front of me that got their heads smacked together via my storm, for they were picking on another kid as usual and I wasn’t going to tolerate it any more. I wonder what they’re doing now?

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  15. This is such an amazing insight. I never looked at it from that perspective and it makes so much sense. Awesome! It does make THE difference! You seem to be ready for this new door since you were led to that book!

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  16. I hope that door remains. I hope you always think about her dreams and plans because she would have wanted such lovely things for you and your son. Maybe one day you can check out the memories behind the door with the knowledge that you are creating new memories and dreams. Xx

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  19. This is amazing imagery—I too have had times where an image came to mind in a moment of trauma. They can appear so simple yet be so deep, and like you said, take years to unravel the meaning. Thanks for sharing this!

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  20. Nick told me to not mourn him long. I still mourn him but I’m through doors and onto new adventures. Because to stay in one place? Makes life too difficult. We need to move on.

    I’m trying.

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      1. Nick and I sat and talked all the time, especially that last month after he stopped chemo. The only thing he didn’t do was write down the car info I needed. Now I have all this car stuff and not sure what it’s worth. Luckily I have some guys helping me.

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  22. I think of life as a journey. To walk walk part of that journey leaves one changed. When we our own journey continues we have memories that keeps us going.
    But this image lacks because it seems so individual. We are social and others are so important to who we are and how we see ourselves. Part of dealing quality loss is knowing we are not alone or abandoned.

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