Time passes. It keeps on passing. A wander round this small graveyard provides proof of this. Many of the once proud gravestones are now weathered beyond recognition. Time passes.

Five years ago I had just driven to the crematorium to pick up my partners ashes. They joined my mothers ashes on the sideboard. At that stage a real urge to get on with laying my those two precious spirits to the earth. Definite external pressure for this. I remember listening to one so called expert talk about it being unhealthy for society for people to linger on those who had left us. Maybe that’s the hidden message there – it might be ok for the person grieving but it’s uncomfortable for everyone else. Anyway it seemed like the right thing to do. The only thing to do.

Within weeks I had scattered mum on her family grave. I remember it so well and I have already wrote about a bizarre memory from that experience. I was alone in the graveyard. As I started to clear some earth away, to my side I noticed a little squirrel. A squirrel apparently doing the same thing on a neighbouring grave. Was it a case of burying nuts or was it a burial. It made me smile, two souls getting on with important stuff, maybe the same stuff, almost happy to have company there. Mum would have loved that sight.

Now time to get a move on laying my partner to the ground. Partly in England and partly in Switzerland. A bit of a logistical nightmare. I secured the paperwork to allow for the transport of ashes overseas. Ready to begin.

Five years later…..still waiting to begin.

Now I worry. Have I left it too late. Have I missed the window of opportunity to follow my partners wishes. Being a single parent and with son’s Aspergers, European travel is a nightmare – feeling like it gets more problematic every year. No similar excuse for the English sites. But it just didn’t feel right. Should I really put our son through more grief when he was still so young. No right or wrong answer here. We all need to do what’s best for our close ones and ourselves here. Unfortunately just like most things, just like European travel for us, it seems to get more daunting the longer it goes on.

Have I missed the best time to do it?

That feeling is making feel very anxious at present. Will we ever get round to doing what we have to do? Was life really supposed to be this vexing…..

55 thoughts on “Vexing”

  1. I can imagine that this is a worrying problem. I am sure it will be possible for you to go to Switzerland in a few years with your son to do it. Worry not as time doesn’t have the same meaning for those who have departed, as the living

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  3. Stop it right there, my friend. You will do this. It may not be right now. But you will. This is not the time to tie yourself in knots re this. And I am abso certain she would not want you to. So come on !! I am sure you and Hawklad will make that trip. Abso sure. Because that is you. it is what I see here. So never think you won’t.

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  4. Question, Gary? Why is it necessary to lay her ashes to ground, as you put it? There was a time there was little choice but to bury our dead in the ground, there were no other respectful ways to deal with death. But times have changed. The dead no longer

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  5. Hmm. Sorry.
    …no longer have to be shut away from sight. An urn on a mantlepiece, or as you suggest scattering the ashes, but even those are symbolic, of what? She is forever in your heart and memory, and those are the places she needs to be. Anything else is unnecessary.
    Am I being too callous? I guess that depends on your beliefs. Is the body a temple to be worshipped, or is it the spirit that once inhabited the body? Probably a weird question for an atheist to be asking, but to me our physical bodies are mere husks. I am not my body, I am my spirit. I’ll end my comment here.

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  9. One thing is sure, life is full of vexation, no way around that. As for it being too late…no, of course it isn’t. The important thing is to do what you believe your partner wanted and if you have to wait, I am sure it will be right whenever you get there. Grief is such an individual thing. You can only listen to your own heart….and your son’s, of course, but don’t let anxiety precipitate you into doing something different and then regretting it. My humble opinion….

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  10. You have a lot of great comments from people who care and are so right. I don’t think you’ve missed any window of opportunity either. Now is a really difficult time to solidify anything. I know how much you care about carying out her wishes. It will happen when the time is right. It can still be done. Keep your mind fixed on things you can do now.

    “Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
    “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.”

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  12. Everyone else already said it so well. The right time will be when you do it. So stop worrying! She is so proud of all that you’re doing with Hawklad! You honor her wishes daily with your memories, your love and the way you care for Hawklad.
    You got this!!💌💌💌

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  14. The time will come to make the trip out there. Try not to worry about it being the ‘right time’ or if you are ‘too late’. You needed time and that’s ok. Now you will go when your son is ready. That will be the right time. Exactly the right time. Xx

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  15. Mmm 🤔 … well maybe she just wanted a little extra time with you both? Maybe she wanted to stay around to make sure you both be ok?

    When the time comes – that will be the right time

    You can do however it is you want.

    We still have my father – we will not be scattering anyone

    When my mother dies we cremate her also… and then they wanted to be buried together

    You do what YOU want… who cares what anyone else thinks about the way you need to handle – don’t think like that. If they uncomfortable that’s their problem not yours

    But I think just like you were not ready to let her go? Maybe she wanted to just make sure her boys would be ok

    I believe things happen for reasons… I can’t really explain that but I feel that.

    Hold on to her for a little longer – this will eventually be over and you can complete her wishes and when you do… it will be beautiful and touching to you.

    Just like your squirrel 🐿 story ❤️

    Anyway that’s what your post here made me think of

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      1. Yes it will.

        There is not really a time limit or rules… and I don’t like to be controlled lol… so in my mind – you just do when time is correct and it lines up – I think it will mean more anyway… because you have had time to absorb and the love has set in place and you have had the time to process so when the time comes the moment and the meaning will be more memorable and mean more.

        I dunno – I think weird sometimes … is good to processed though ✌️ time will come

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  16. My father had made his wishes not to be cremated very clear in the years before his death, yet my mother chose to have him cremated. She kept his ashes in an urn on top of a chest of drawers beside her bed and she talked to him every night before sleep, and at other times whenever she felt the need.

    When it comes to matters such as this, I believe the needs of the living outweigh the wishes of the dead. I know some people might say Mum disrespected the wishes of her husband, but I disagree. My mother had the utmost respect for my father but she did not always agree with him, nor did always do what he wanted. She saw no reason why death should change the dynamics of their relationship.

    My mother wanted her ashes to be buried along with those of my father, but my siblings and I felt a cemetary was not the best place for them – there’s too many dead people there. Their home backed onto the longest navigable river in NZ and both parents loved that river with passion although for very different reasons, so we combined both their ashes and scattered them from the jetty that our father had built. We felt this was the most honest way in which we could honour the memory we have of our parents.

    There are many ways in which to honour those we love, be they living or not. Trust your instincts on this.

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  17. I don’t think there’s a wrong time to memorialize someone. My husband has been sitting on a chair in the dining room since a year ago January. I wanted to spread his ashes on his favorite lake in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, but the timing didn’t work out right last year, and this year nothing was open during the summer. (Note: As clarification, he is not at the table)

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