I’m sat in the back room listening to Pink Floyd drinking gallon loads of decaf. Hawklad is in the other room watching a comedy movie. Just wasn’t in the mood so I made an excuse of needing to do a bit of work.

For a few weeks now I’ve noticed a downturn in my mood. Not dramatic but definitely a subtle move downwards. I’m tired but not overtly tired. My overall energy is good. I’m lifting more weights, doing more press-ups, holding the pesky plank longer. I’m doing these things better than I ever have. The housework is getting done well. Even the baking is top draw (ok that one is clearly a big fat fib). So there are positives.

But my mood doesn’t reflect that. Definitely feeling more often than not UNHAPPY. Kind of sad. My view of myself isn’t great. Feeling more unsure and indecisive. Not feeling like the mum/dad I should be. Feeling a bit beaten up and mentally worn out.

I’ve suffered from depression in the past. I know what it feels like. Feels a lot like this. I also realise that with me it’s not about ‘curing’ it, it’s about managing it. Trying to keep on top of it. Recognising that it’s probably a life long process.

So the start of 2021 is about being open. Not hiding this, especially from myself. It’s about finding ways to get back on top of things again. Just like depression, my happy side doesn’t ever leave me. It’s still there. Just need to encourage it back to where it should be. Front and centre. I will definitely need to make some changes. A few mini leaps of faith.

It may take time but I can do this. I’ve done it before…

WE can do this.

121 thoughts on “Depression

  1. I hear you. And I am glad you have this blog and this community to help you when you need it. Writing is helpful, no? It is for me. I wish you luck. It’s not going to be the easiest winter for you in the UK or us in North America but we have the basics covered, and that’s what matters.

    All the best. ❤

    Liked by 7 people

  2. as my doctor said, life is too short to suffer, I have been chronically depressed in the last who knows how many decades, and two months into medication, I feel “good” again. I tried managing it myself and tried a number of things. Nothing worked for me permanently. as a friend of mine once said, diabetics can be treated with insulin, a chemical deficient in the body, what is different with mood disorders? wishing you well

    Liked by 4 people

  3. I know the feeling well. Having just snapped out of a multi-year depression, I constantly expect to crash and am surprised when I don’t.

    I hope you find ways to break through but also allow yourself to do what you need when you’re down. If privacy, P Floyd, and decaf comfort you then have at ’em!

    Be easy on yourself… or hard, if that’sxwhat you prefer.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. You have support and prayers my friend. I’ve been there…several times. And it was the victories of faith indeed. God bless you. It’s great to be a part of a caring community. I’m sipping decaf right along. You’re embracing the uncertainty and unwrapping some feelings. Good for you! 👏🏻

    Liked by 3 people

  5. There is this memory of a tribe leader that questioned the western way of treating depression, letting the person battle it out alone, whereas there if someone was depressed they would gather around and help the person to dance. Now bare with, because believe it or not it can work so well. At first when I put happy music on that I can dance to, of course I do not want to dance, but then forcing myself to do so, my body then pumps out some chemicals and helps my brain. If at some point I cannot dance, I will imagine dancing until perhaps dizzy (well more “dizzy” than I usually am).

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Under ordinary circumstances, this time of year can be challenging for people who suffer from depression, anxiety, etc., but now add in a worldwide pandemic, political and economic uncertainty, and so on, well… But what I love about the online blogging community is how supportive everyone is. We may be separated by thousands of miles, but we’re close in spirit. So, hang in there Gary. We’ll get through this just like we did this last year. 🤗

    Liked by 4 people

  7. Good for you for speaking up about it! I’ve had depression since my teens… twice on medication, but I’ve been able to manage without the meds for a while. I’d be the first to ask if I needed them again.

    Anyway, a therapist asked me once how I manage without medication. I told them that recognizing and naming what I’m feeling is depression actually helps me. I know my chemicals are being wonky and that’s why I feel so off.

    Sleep is part of it too. Being depressed disrupts sleep and being sleep deprived aggravates depression.

    We CAN do this!
    I’m here if I can help in any way💌💌💌💌💌💌

    Liked by 5 people

  8. Ah, yes. Familiar territory. Right down to the Pink Floyd. 🙂 Praise God, I am a far cry from the woman at the edge of suicide I was a couple of decades ago, but I do still have my numerous gray times. They no longer stop me from proceeding with life, but they do make it lose its luster. I guess that’s why I have taken to calling myself a “functioning depressive”. 😏 These are the times I take to the Psalms. They remind me I am not alone in my struggle and that the Lord is with me every moment. I pray you feel His presence, too, friend.

    Liked by 4 people

  9. So sorry you’re dealing with depression. It is no fun, but you are right-being open about it helps. This year has definitely brought more lows for me. Praying you find what works for you. 🙏

    Liked by 4 people

  10. I’m sorry to hear about the depression but so glad you’re able to recognize it and deal with it. After my son was born, between this and that I experienced depression that lingered for several years. When I brought it up to my old doctor, she blew me off – which is why she is no longer my doctor. I’m glad that because you’ve seen this before, you have tools to handle it, and hopefully it won’t hang around very long.

    Liked by 5 people

      1. As much as I suspected I was depressed, it was confirmed to me when I decided to use hypnotherapy to address a chronic issue in my life (not depression), yet when I finished one session in particular and opened my eyes I felt very different. Like the world was in full color again and the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. Better than any drug.

        Liked by 3 people

      2. Just know that there are different styles of hypnotherapy. I generally steer clear of a hypnotist who’s only interested in helping people lose weight, stop smoking or improve their golf game. Doing a quick online search, I discovered the National Council for Hypnotherapy website that has information about hypnotherapy and helps people find a practitioner. Please know this type of work can be done over the phone or computer.

        Liked by 3 people

  11. Bloody depression! I get what you’re talking about though! You’re not overjoyed, but you know something is a little off. I was talking to my partner Step mum about it. Apparently a lot of people have been suffering PTSD from 2020. Which, yeah, lol.

    Liked by 4 people

  12. I’m not surprised, Gary. But it’s sad all the same. It’s a damn tough thing to carry that darkness while navigating so much else. I lived with depression for many years. Yet I believe I fooled everyone. Cheery, a bag of laughs, helpful, efficient, if you need anything go to her. Those were the things people said about me. God, if they only knew of the gnawing darkness inside, waking up each day to a thick glue in my brain and heart.

    In my case, it took a frightening dream warning me of temporary insanity resulting in a massive tragedy, to realise something had to be done. That even if I seemed to be coping well on the outside, something deadly was building up inside. Finally, with God’s help, I found the courage to go no-contact with some family members who were the root and stem of most of my sufferings. After years of fleeing from them and battling shame, recrimination and fear, the depression has left me.

    But in order to force all those major changes, I had to love myself first. All my life I had put others first. My parents, siblings, relatives, bullies of all sorts. Then came my husband kids and friends whom I love with all my heart. There was nothing I would not do for them – and that was a great thing.

    But you can’t do all that by stuffing your own self down a hole. Your self is as important as those you love. In my fight, I learned that you can live prioritising others – but you need to give yourself air too.

    That’s the only way you can beat this.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. You recognise changes are needed. That’s one major battle won. As you go forward, try and do little things for yourself, Gary. Each day, allow yourself tiny pleasures. More importantly, focus on them and savour them. That was my mistake. Even when I indulged myself a little – my hot morning coffee, a brief pause in work to look up at the skies, a quick dip into my beloved Anne of Green Gables books – I allowed demons free pass into those precious minutes. All too soon, the moment of rest and pleasure was over and I wasn’t any better for it.

        Liked by 3 people

  13. So sorry to hear this Gary. Butwith all that is going on, I am not surprised. Not that that helps much. Those feelings are so horrible. All the emotion of Christmas and New tear kind of throws you off kilter too, but Spring is coming, and though it is a long way off yet, we will all feel a little better when it finally appears. I know it seems a long time waiting for it. These dark feelings arenjust so horrible. You have so much support here Gary and so much love. And I will add to that. My love and my prayers to you. Xx

    Liked by 4 people

  14. Of course you can do this. Sorry to have missed some of your posts. For some reason…and right now, I haven’t had the same time online, so I go through the reader as far as and then goggle the blogs I really enjoy but anyway, when I do that I get your home page up no bother and it seems stuck at the Brexit post LOL There’s a cursed word. But today I have gone down the list and here we are. Truly the mess this country is in right now? The belleneds in every corner, running the various shit shows? It would depress anyone. A person in your position with all you shoulder…? Well? Keep being kind to you. Keep taking the small steps and beat yourself up about NOTHING. I know this is an online community you have here but believe me, that can be worth more than having someone there near or whatever, who does, not understand, or have time, or any of these things. And people are here for you.

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Thanks for sharing. I am currently going through a similar situation with my boy Moose fading away with kidney disease. I need to be strong for him and our other two dogs (yesterday no one ate because I was so upset) but it is a struggle. Big hugs to you and Hawklad.

    Liked by 3 people

  16. Yes Gary, you can do this and we can help … by reading and listening. It’s very strong of you to write about this and I admire you for it! And I’m glad that your happy side doesn’t ever leave you.
    So … I like when you say “I can do this”. I do beleive you can! We have just entered a new year and I’m sure it will be a much better year, not to begin with but eventually. We can all do this! x

    Liked by 3 people

  17. To go through all you have dealt with particularly this last year and feel happy…that would be unusual, to say the least. It’s also a depressing time of year and if you have underlying depression waiting for an excuse to manifest….it’s a damnable thing and you’re right, there is no cure, but there are ways to live with it. You have so many supporters always ready to “listen”. I have found writing helps and you do it so well. XX

    Liked by 3 people

  18. Wow. I read this and wanted to comment but had to scroll WAY down to post. I hope you can see and feel the love from your friends and readers. At least you are aware of what is going on with you, and know what you need to do to get a handle on it, even if that might include getting some professional help. I know you don’t need to be told this, but you must take care of yourself to be able to keep caring for others. Put yourself first, sometimes. Sending love and light your way. Xx

    Liked by 3 people

  19. Oh, my friend. I can relate. And yes, you can do this. Keep bust, write, read, keep finding things that will make you laugh. And know you have all of us. I go through these times, it’s not easy, as you know. But yes, we can do this. Hugs ❤️ I think you still have my email. If you ever want to chat. Let me know if you do have it and want to.

    Liked by 3 people

  20. You are such an awesomely lovely man and exceptionally unique baker.
    You rock as a father. You are so loved by scores of people who have never met you who love your words and your honesty and your courage despite painful losses of wonderful wonderful people in your life – including the love of your life.
    I am happy you are being honest – I also think I speak for many when I say how much we wish we bring smiles to you, give you endless hugs and share food, music, dancing, sunsets and star-gazing with you – and the joys of wild swimming and surfing.

    You have already had huge challenges to deal with and now the pandemic is messing with our quality of life by isolating many people and meaning they don’t get to have the everyday conversations that used to give us a giggle and a wink. Many are feeling lost as their calendar of things to look forward to and save for and prepare for has evaporated and there is so much uncertainty around.

    I have to admit – the momentous effort at work is meaning the thing I look forward to each day is being asleep!!! Which is pants! But now I am looking forward to longer days and being out in the fresh air again more – flowers and ducklings appearing on my horizon would put the spring back into my step.

    Liked by 3 people

  21. It’s not at all surprising given the current circumstances plus dark days and cold, but as you said, having experienced this before, it will pass. Looking forward to Spring, and in the meantime, there’s hot chocolate, cats (and dog) and music to see us through. Wishing you a very Happy New Year

    Liked by 2 people

  22. I relate to this post so much it feels like I wrote it. Life’s punches come fast and hard, and we feel inadequate when we can’t “roll with the punches,” so I’ve stopped trying. Can’t say it’s a miracle cure or drastic change, but my emotional baggage doesn’t feel as cumbersome.

    Liked by 3 people

  23. I liked the sincerity of your text. Thanks for that. 2021 seems like a heavier year than 2020. As if that were possible … I see that it is possible, writing about it helps me, I imagine it helps you too. I wish you willpower and determination. Together it’s easier.

    Liked by 3 people

  24. Gary, I can relate to how you feel and the need to isolate sometimes when the gloss just disappears off everything and nothing shines anymore. We’re all different in how we handle things and there are as many variations as there are tablets for it. But you know best what you want or need. That may include needing an ear, and if so you can have the one the budgie doesn’t chunner into. You may want to be talked to- never at- and online I could do that if needed. You have many, many, friends willing to help in any way you see fit. Use us. On another note, I hope you’re nowhere near the latest round of flooding.
    Virtual Hugs

    Liked by 2 people

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