Daffodil

Look at this. The first daffodil. It’s always such a lift when they appear. The return of a bit of warm colour. Much needed. Can we now officially call it SPRING. For what it’s worth a quick and very unscientific check of the photos is telling me that they have arrived one day earlier than last year.

If only WP was that reliable. Scheduled posts not working. Finding it harder to post comments that actually appear. Random unfollows. Likes not working. Photos refusing to publish. Messed up editing. Yep I think the WP IOS app has beaten me. Need to get myself a better laptop and switch to the web based option. See if it works better with Windows.

But until then we will soldier on. Do what I can. Don’t get too worked up if it refuses to work properly. There a great quote from The Book of Joy. A quote which has Buddhist traditions but was also told to me bizarrely by a cricket coach who was talking about getting out of a bad run of batting form. Basically it says….. Pointless worrying about what you can’t control and why are you worrying about stuff you can control.

Ok let’s try to remember that. Forget WP and my troubles. Think about the things in my life that lift me up and that I love. That will help push the negative thoughts away for some precious moments.

We can do this.

Missing..

Where has it gone? A lovely post about a teddy bear and some memories. All formatted and scheduled to post. WP moves it from the scheduled list at the right time and……Then suddenly it’s gone. Not posted, nowhere to be found. Maybe WP has put it in the same place as my missing comments and people I’ve suddenly stopped following without being told.

Don’t you just love WP…….

Snow Bunny

Apparently there is a world out there somewhere.

The snow is now a distant memory. The last bit to cling on was this random block of ice. The last part of the snowman. Snowman to Snow Bunny.

It’s been one of those weeks so far. A week off from school. In other years a week of trips to the Zoo and the Seaside. Maybe a wander in the Hills or Moors. Not this year. Not last year.

A week at home….

Which kinda makes it like every other week. Ok no school at home but it feels the same. Get up early and do my exercise. Make breakfast for Hawklad. Do housework. Do the wash. Change the bedding. Make food. Go out in the garden a few times. Fighting with the cable signal. Watch Disney Plus. Feel bad about not reading so squeeze in a chapter. Go to bed. Seemingly not doing much yet wondering where the days have gone.

But.

Thankfully connecting with friends. Friends are able to break the Groundhog Hog sensation for a while. That is so important these strange days.

Comments

An excuse for a snow picture…..

WP is in full Skynet evil computer mode at present. Having problems replying to some comments. My replies are getting deleted, ending up under the wrong comment or only part of the reply is showing.

All a bit bizarre really.

SORRY. Will soldier on…

Prunes

Don’t you just love WordPress. It’s a bit like Prunes. You know they are good for you. So many benefits but a monumental pain in the backside….

Blogging is really so good for me but WordPress is a monumental pain in the ….. It just feels like wading through treacle.

Will it just once allow me to format the post as I want it to look.

Will it just once have a truly user friendly editor.

Will it just once not keep trying mess up my photos so I have to constantly keep on reloading them.

Will it stop showing me that my blog looks fine when some users can’t see the photos or only see messed up formatting.

Will it stop messing up a post when I dare to try and include a music or video link.

Will it stop changing all my text into micro font if I accidentally delete a bit WP doesn’t want me to do.

Will it stop randomly deleting people from my following list and then not bothering to tell me.

Will it stop randomly deleting comments I post.

Will it stop randomly deciding to freeze the iPad app. In fact will it stop freezing my iPad – it’s the only app that has ever done that for me.

Will the help desk stop blaming Apple for the working of its App.

WHINING OVER.

I like blogging. It helped me cope with loss. It helped me become a better parent. A better person. Made some great friends through it. Kept me connected with people during this period of isolation. So I guess I will keep taking my Prunes. The benefits are so worth it.

L

Depression

I’m sat in the back room listening to Pink Floyd drinking gallon loads of decaf. Hawklad is in the other room watching a comedy movie. Just wasn’t in the mood so I made an excuse of needing to do a bit of work.

For a few weeks now I’ve noticed a downturn in my mood. Not dramatic but definitely a subtle move downwards. I’m tired but not overtly tired. My overall energy is good. I’m lifting more weights, doing more press-ups, holding the pesky plank longer. I’m doing these things better than I ever have. The housework is getting done well. Even the baking is top draw (ok that one is clearly a big fat fib). So there are positives.

But my mood doesn’t reflect that. Definitely feeling more often than not UNHAPPY. Kind of sad. My view of myself isn’t great. Feeling more unsure and indecisive. Not feeling like the mum/dad I should be. Feeling a bit beaten up and mentally worn out.

I’ve suffered from depression in the past. I know what it feels like. Feels a lot like this. I also realise that with me it’s not about ‘curing’ it, it’s about managing it. Trying to keep on top of it. Recognising that it’s probably a life long process.

So the start of 2021 is about being open. Not hiding this, especially from myself. It’s about finding ways to get back on top of things again. Just like depression, my happy side doesn’t ever leave me. It’s still there. Just need to encourage it back to where it should be. Front and centre. I will definitely need to make some changes. A few mini leaps of faith.

It may take time but I can do this. I’ve done it before…

WE can do this.

Goodbye

It’s almost goodbye to 2020. Well that was a year. I blame one person for everything…

Boris Johnson on the 31st December 2019 “This is going to be a fantastic year……”

What an absolute Numpty. I guess it was for him and his cohorts in terms of corruption and feathering ones own nest.

But for the rest of us it was a challenge. I could have used so many other words here but let’s go for the one I can spell. I’m not going to go on about the obvious things this time. Let’s just hope that 2021 is better. This year has not exactly set the bar that high but let’s not tempt fate. I will leave that up to our so called leader.

But here’s the thing about 2020. It’s been truly horrid and tragic for so many. It’s been tough for our little family but let’s also remember the positive stuff as well. So many people have demonstrated what a wonderful, caring and beautiful world it can still be. Old friendships have strengthened. It’s also brought truly wonderful new friendships which have enriched my life.

We can do this.

Happy New Year. ❤️

Families

Families are funny.

I come from quite a big family. I’m the youngest of the brood. In many ways the odd one out. The one with the funny diet. The one who works out. The one outdoor person. The one that went to university. The one who is bereaved. The one single parent. The one Aspergers parent. The one who blogs. I could go on…..

Don’t get me wrong we are a loving family. No egos. No fights. No cross words.

We are geographically spread but would fairly regularly see each other. Would…..

Mum was the gravitational force that held us in orbit. The force that would bring us together. Now the gravity has gone. We don’t meet up much now. The links are now mainly phone calls and texts. 2020 has not helped. I’ve not seen one sister and my brother in over 2 years now.

But we are still loving and caring. But here’s the thing.

You can be loving without being close. You can be family and not share. Be caring without understanding.

I share things on this blog that my family never hear. If I need a shoulder to cry on I don’t turn to my brother or sisters. I turn to my closest friend(s). That’s were I’m best understood.

Yep families are funny.

L

Time to love Yorkshire

I put my hands up. I might poke a bit of fun at my county of birth. Well actually a lot. Yes the weather can be grim, the people can be a bit odd (me certainly included), we might be a little behind the cutting edge, probably spend too much time focusing on the past BUT….

It is a great place to live and visit. So much history, beautiful brooding landscapes, welcoming, diverse, a wonderful quirkiness and a place that has definitely left its mark on the world. So maybe every so often I should really show and tell the good about Yorkshire.

So here goes. I give you just a fraction of what Yorkshire has to offer.

Change

I was listening to the radio this morning and the presenter was happily chatting away. He talked about how things had changed for him. This got me thinking about how much it has for me. Changed beyond recognition.

Let’s go back 20 years

  • Just starting a life changing relationship
  • Still playing football and cricket,
  • Regular mountaineering and climbing,
  • Drinking alcohol a bit too much,
  • My social life often centred around the pub,
  • I would get edgy if I wasn’t meeting up regularly with friends,
  • Using alcohol to overcome social anxieties,
  • Work was super busy with so many meetings. So many people to deal with,
  • Spending little time at home (time at home was seen as a bit of a waste)
  • Holidays,
  • Frequent family meetings revolving around mum,
  • Concerts, football matches, the Theatre and the Cinema,
  • Trying to avoid being by myself and if I was I would try to drown out the silence with my MP3 player,
  • Fuelled on caffeine.

Now contrast that with this week….

  • Single parenting,
  • Aspergers,
  • Revisiting wonderful memories,
  • Emailing one or two friends,
  • Blogging,
  • No work,
  • Housebound with one trip beyond the gates to the Vets,
  • Tea total, no caffeine,
  • Lots of silence,
  • No meet-ups,
  • No prospect of holidays, trips out, concerts,
  • Reading,
  • Time spent talking with Hawklad,
  • Only one other physical conversation (briefly with the Vet),
  • Homeschooling,
  • Working out in the garden,
  • Trying to practice mindfulness.

Life definitely has changed. It always does eventually. Some things for the worse. Some things for the better. Some things I would change back. But many things I cherish. On balance I definitely wouldn’t go back.