The first proper autumnal fog, the first of many….

I was looking at an online social media chat about Bereavement ….. well it beats watching my team try to play football. The chat was all about the recent UK State Funeral and how it had triggered emotions in many about their own personal losses. It is hard to watch a funeral and not be reminded of matters much closer to hand. I must admit as I watched the Funeral, one thought really struck me. How on earth do you grieve in front of millions, I couldn’t do it in front 40 people.

Two funerals in 6 weeks and I didn’t grieve at either of them. Focused on an 8 year old and trying to process far too many thoughts. I’m not that sure I took any of the funerals in. I can’t remember anything that was said. Can’t remember the music. Can’t remember that much at all. I can remember my brother whispering something in my ear that brought a half smile. I can remember standing with Hawklad looking at a fishpond after his mums funeral. That’s about it. Just felt like it was about waiting for them to be over.

It does feel so strange that I took far more in for a woman I had never met than I ever did for either of my mum or partner. I sometimes wish I had a video of both Funerals so I could experience them, hear what was said. Feel a part of them after 6 years.

Back to the online chat, the consensus was very similar. Mostly funerals are an ordeal, to organise, to sit through. Often the grieving can only really start when you have the funeral behind you. That definitely was my experience, it felt like it was months and months later before I started. This may sound crazy but until that point I was hurting but I wasn’t grieving. I wasn’t really accepting the reality, wasn’t ready to let go. Maybe if I had let the Funerals in more, maybe I would have been more receptive to grieving.

The fog of life might have started to clear much sooner.

49 thoughts on “Fog

  1. Wow…this has really made me think this morning! I realise, not sure I’d known this before, that I resonate with the panic/grief of having to let go. Great brave writing – take care x

    Like

  2. i cannot imagine what you have gone through- then , as well as over the years since. As stated above, losing a loved one, especially someone so close to you, definitely puts you in a shock, or fog. And thats ok- it’s what protects us from dying with them …it helps us isolate and convalesce for s short time before we have to get back to living. Watching the funerals of the famous is no comparison, although i imagine it does bring back some haunting memories and emotions. Big Hugs!

    Like

  3. I can relate to your words very well. I know you cannot compare one loss to another but I made a similar experience both times when I lost too very important and close people in my life. First, I was in shock for a while. I organized the funeral for my dad while being overwhelmed with the thought what to do with his company and to take care that my mom is ok. So, I did not even had time for grieving. I cried a lot after a day or two but it was so much desperation in it. I too just wanted to have that funeral behind me, and after the big part was done, grieving set in.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I was frightened the night before the one funeral that mattered. Terrified of what lay before me in the hours to come. And when the awful day finally dawned, I did what I had never expected to do – I went forth and cared for people. Even though it was the funeral of my own heart’s love. In the years that followed, I’ve often gone back to that day, that terrible, terrible day when people knew we were going to lay to rest our very life – and yet, some came to place upon on our grieving hearts their own selfish concerns. They came not to support but to sing the song of themselves. Only by the grace of God did my husband and kids and I get through those hours.

    But nothing compared to the deluge of pain that came upon us weeks after the last car left and the door shut and the doorbell fell to silence. Years and years of it. But all of it behind shut doors, away from watching eyes.

    That is real grief. Be it accompanied by tears or anger or whatever emotions, the real grief begins when everyone else has returned to their lives. Certainly not in the public eye – not in looking at the notes and flowers people left by the gates, not in the being cautious and deliberate in what you allow the cameras to catch. That’s not grief – no matter how much YouTube wants you to believe it.

    And grief does not come to all who appear to mourn.

    Like

  5. I think your lack of memory of the funerals speak both to your shock and grief but also to you focusing your energy on Hawklad at that time and his care. He will remember that and appreciate it.

    Like

  6. Everyone is different. I did a lot of “pre-grieving” when I knew what was coming and then I went into a phase of numbness, of functioning on auto-pilot. Watching the Funeral I also wondered how the family could cope. One can hardly grieve for a woman one didn’t know and who had a very long life, but grief never goes away so that funeral was bound to awaken the emotions in all of us.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Funeral are not easy but I can’t imagine how it is for you. And for that my heart breaks for you the fog sometimes is welcoming because sometimes it can clear the cobwebs from our minds.hugs ,❤️

    Like

  8. My guess is after your partner died you were in shock for a while and couldn’t even begin to grieve more fully until you’d established a new routine and were becoming more able to attend to the day to day without her. Having to tend to children forces us to function, even when we’re zombies. I truly believe we all process and grieve in our own timetable and way.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s