Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 43 Comments

Summer sleep

Saturday arrives and the Yorkshire summer is still trying to hold on. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fantastic to feel warm but….. I don’t sleep well these days at the best of times. To have a chance I need to be snuggled under a warm duvet, not lying on top of the covers feeling uncomfortably warm. So the warmth has made sleep even less likely. I’m now getting use to operating through the day with two hours sleep at most. Weeks upon weeks on that. That’s not ideal, it’s not healthy but that’s how it is.

The brain so easily just boots up in auto pilot mode. The body is awake, the brain less so.

It’s Saturday, so I start the day with a yoga session. And thats what I remember doing. So why then after about 15 minutes do I suddenly realise yoga isn’t about throwing a kettlebell about. I can’t even remember taking the kettlebells outside with me. Maybe it was sleep kettlebelling….. Still could be worse. At least I was clothed. At least it was my garden I was in. At least I hadn’t just fallen asleep on the yoga mat.

The worry is that the home at school project restarts on Monday for another 7 week block. The return of the early morning alarms calls are not going to help the sleep.

But on the bright side I have not resorted to early hours QVC or pointless reality TV watching. I am using the extra hours awake to focus on what is truly important to me. That’s why I can still do this. That’s why I might be tired but I’m smiling this Saturday Summers day in Yorkshire.

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Faceless

The old village church in the evening sun.

It’s a simple church dating back from the 10th century. The Font and an Effigy date back from the 13th century. The small graveyard shows the age more starkly with many of the gravestones now completely weathered by the Yorkshire wind and rain. Faceless.

Today as I wandered along the village street to post a letter I felt faceless. When I first moved here I knew many in the village. A number of good friends. But slowly those that knew me have thinned out. Left. Passed away. To the point where this morning I walked in a beautiful but alien village. I know hardly anyone here now. That has been amplified during a pandemic. I hope that as things open up just maybe I can start to feel part of the community again. It won’t be easy.

I suspect I’m not the only one facing this new challenge.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 13 Comments

Thursday

Yorkshire and it’s still almost summer. That’s about 4 days in a row. Wow.

Not going to complain about that.

Problem is that somedays you don’t get the chance to breathe. Too caught up in the stress. Too focused on trying to roll with the punches. Not feeling in control. All I can do is keep riding the rollercoaster, trying not to fall off. That’s what it felt like today. A struggle. Even a walk was too often filled with worries and that isolating feeling.

But it’s now officially the next morning and I’m still here. I got through the day. Got through on the back of dreams that won’t fade and those who believe in me. Maybe today the sun will shine again but this time I might just sit under its warmth for at least a few moments more than today.

We can do this.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 46 Comments

Almost Summer

Whisper it. It almost feels like summer here in Yorkshire. Warm, dry, traffic jams, the shops are sold out of strawberries and watermelons. Yep it must be summer here.

So next steps….

This morning Hawklad mentioned that he is now aiming to return to school at the start of September. If he can’t go back then he will go for full homeschooling.

Today in the summer sun we tried a day time walk. The first day time walk for Hawklad in over a year. A carefully selected walk. Quiet. Rarely visited. Across farm land. It was a success. An hour walk completed. Ok not another human encountered but it is another step forward.

So we have less than 3 months to see if we can build Hawklad from deserted walks to being crammed in a classroom with 30 plus other students and teachers. That’s a tough ask. So little time to take so many steps forward.

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Brought down to Earth.

How do you tell when you son has been watching too much The Simpsons. Maybe it was too much of the American version of The Office….

I thought I was at one with nature. Just completing a 50 minute yoga session out. I thought it going well. I felt a definite natural flow to my movements. Maybe just maybe I have finally found my inner Rhythm and goddess mode. Then I heard the icy tones of a teenage son and the moment was blown out of the water.

“Dad there has never been a finer more awesome Dad squeezed into a pair of 56 inch pants…….”

Wow…..

Harsh but fair.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 78 Comments

Bad Pet Care

How difficult can it be to give a mad dog and a big fat boy cat, a worming tablet. The answer is VERY, it took ALL DAY…. In my defence it took the Vet 20 minutes to give the boy cat his last tablet. It goes in, but then comes straight out. The mad dog has an unusual ability to get his tablet stuck in his ear fur. In my defence the Vet also encountered that skill.

Today I tried everything. Putting the tablet in food. In treats. Chucking it down the neck. Seconds later the pesky tablet was back on the floor or stuck in the dogs ear.

Nothing worked until I went for the nuclear option. The dog was eyeing up a pack of donuts on the kitchen table. Well worth a go. So the tablet was rammed in half a donut and unbelievably this time it was swallowed in a nanosecond. Just the cat now. Sadly the donut trick is not going to work for our fat cat. But finally feline success. Hawklad was eating toast and the boy cat was doing his usual trick of trying to eat the butter. Worth a go. Coat the tablet in a dollop of better and within seconds job done.

So Pet tip of the day – have plenty of unhealthy food in the house for administering medication.

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Sun burnt

The walk with the mad dog is a lot more pleasant when it’s weather like this. Whisper it, I got a little sun burnt. Sun burnt in Yorkshire. That just sounds so wrong on so many levels.

Feeling a bit burnt by school. The big school year exams start on Monday. We still don’t know the actual timings. We don’t know which subjects are on which days. We don’t know the arrangements for Hawklad. We don’t even know if he is sitting the exams. This week school is closed. So I’m guessing it’s wait until first thing Monday and hope we hear something. If not, then I have no idea what will happen. It’s just a mess.

Nothing I can do at present so I might as well use my time more usefully. Go and find the sun cream. That’s sure to bring the rain back….

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Pink

A small patch of pink along a country lane. Not sure why it’s just in that one spot but very thankful for it.

I’m writing this at 3am and thinking about life. Sure about some things , so confused about other things. What is the purpose to all this. Is this where I’m supposed to be. Is this where I’m supposed to take root or am I still supposed to move. If I am moving, what direction is best. Am I seeing all the signposts.

We can view olidl,,,,,mmm:

I’m certainly not going to piece this all together tonight. How can I when I’m so tired and feeling beat up. But these days I am always feeling this way. So kinda stuck in life. Not sure if that’s a good thing or not. This pink flower knows exactly why it’s here. You can see just

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 61 Comments

Hot air

It’s early. I should be sleeping but I can’t. The mad dog wants to go outside and have is morning constitutional….. So without bothering to get dressed I dragged myself out into the chilly garden. Don’t laugh but the dog won’t do what dogs need to do without having someone stood next to him. So I stood bear footed on the damp lawn, looked the other way and whistled.

That’s when I noticed the hot air balloon. Right over the top of me. The balloonists got to see what I wear in bed….. Sorry about that.

By the time the dog

had finished. By the time I ran inside to get my phone, the balloon had moved on a bit.

Well that was a different start to the day.