A Dad trying to cope with the loss of his Partner and becoming a single parent.

Posted on June 19, 2019 by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 80 Comments

Exploding kettle

You know it’s going to be a long day when you wake up as a zombie. You stumble into the kitchen. You switch on the kettle. Then you get a bright flash and a deafening bang. The kettle joins the long line of broken appliances. A nice cup of cold water doesn’t quite cure zombieism as well as a dark brooding cup of coffee sludge. So we struggle on in a permanent haze.

Simple work tasks suddenly became modern day Rubik cube tortures.

Attaching a new belt to the hoover – a five minute job usually turned out to be as difficult as splitting an atom.

Trying to organise a few appointments for our son – might as well have been trying to schedule the next Guns and Roses World Tour.

Trying to activate my new Bank Card over the phone was equivalent of trying to authenticate nuclear launch codes.

A simple freeze wrap food parcel took on the same properties as Adamantium. My lunch wasn’t going to get consumed today.

Unbelievably the sun made an appearance for two hours this afternoon. Just enough time to take the dog for a reasonably dry walk and cut the the grass. Only just enough time. Sat looking at a unresponsive lawnmower for thirty minutes. The last ten of those minutes involved a carefully selected fault finding approach involving a hammer and my boot. Eventually the penny dropped and I realised that it would actually help if I inserted the 36v battery into the cordless mower. As I get older I become more like Daddy Pig from Peppa Pig. Luckily I just about finished the lawn before the weather closed in. The next rain event has now arrived. Looking at the forecast the next lawn cutting window is probably well into 2020.

So today was a bit of a write off. Strangely microwaved coffee doesn’t seem to taste so good. Boiling water on the oven just takes too long – sorry mum and dad. So tomorrow will start with another cup of cold water. Then it’s an urgent trip to the shops for a non exploding kettle.

Posted on June 17, 2019June 17, 2019 by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 93 Comments

Fathers Day

It was Fathers Day in the UK yesterday. Even in Yorkshire. Let’s give a shout out to the Dads. Yes we are in most cases crap at multitasking, dammed annoying, often in the way but we are sometimes useful….. In my case I am still waiting.

So Sunday’s Dad List in this case was

Make breakfast – burnt and milk out of date
Housework – managed to get the sofa throw stuck in the hoover and snapped the last hoover belt
Clothes washing – washing machine stuck on the 10 minute pre wash cycle so not exactly clean so needed to run the cycle 5 times
Make lunch – criminally couldn’t get the Yorkshire Puddings to rise
Take dog for walk – dog rolled in sheep poo so he stinks
Bath dog – then spend an hour trying to dry out the house after the dog started shaking himself down. Aquaman has nothing on him.
Pack School Bag – went without incident but will only find its success when he gets back home
Time for some me time – made a coffee to sit outside as it’s unbelievably stopped raining, but find a large bird has crapped over the garden chair. Clean chair then find it’s started to rain again. Cold coffee looking out at a monsoon.
Change bedding – ok apart from a brutal wrestling match with duvet cover
Cook Tea – salad is pretty much Dad proof
Wash up – managed to smash one cup
Iron school uniform – find that I forgot about the wash in the washing machine. So set off a quick Tumble Dryer run
Revise for school end of year tests – another opportunity to show the processing power differences between a young vibrant mind and a knackered old one
Run bath – find someone forgot to wash the towels
Iron school uniform – presentable but managed to burn my hand
Lock doors – not easy when you can’t find the keys
Catch up on Work – not easy when laptop decides it needs yet another update
Go to bed – can’t sleep

That’s a pretty typical Sunday. So yes Dads can be crap but we also can be busy. Ok that in my case is busy being crap – but it’s still busy. As it’s Fathers Day I will give myself a pat on the back for that. I survived another day.

Posted on June 15, 2019 by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 89 Comments

Crop Circles

You can’t beat a good crop circle. Such intricate geometric patterns. These aliens are clearly very artistic with boundless amounts of patience. It’s kinda reassuring to know that the earth is clearly the preferred canvas of choice for alien art.

Unfortunately something is a clearly amiss with the Yorkshire Crop Circles.

Have the aliens that visit Yorkshire been indulging in too much Newcastle Nuclear Brown Ale or Black Sheep Holy Grail Ale.

Or are the Yorkshire Aliens the Galaxy’s avant-garde pioneers. No intricate geometric patterns here. Or maybe it’s the weather. You can imagine an alien more at home in fertile hospitable climes saying something like this as he is starting his Yorkshire Crop Circle in the pouring rain

“Bugger this for a lark let’s get it done as quick as possible then we are out of here”

When I told this story to our son he just looked at me with that look… thought for a few seconds then said.

“Dad why on earth would an alien fly all those billions of light years to do a bit of art then fly back again. You need to look for the rational explanation. Clearly we have some mighty big field mice these days”

Clearly the all too common stereotype that autistic people do not have a sense of humour is clearly true which thus means we need a much bigger cat….

Posted on June 14, 2019 by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 64 Comments

Not what I was expecting.

Walking down the same muddy path through the wet forest. Thinking my feet are going to get seriously wet going through the trail undergrowth. Note to self – must replace my 4 year old trail running shoes now the waterproofing acts more like a sponge.

Then a vision. I have finally gone mad. Am I seeing a little car parked on the path. A once clean white car now caked in mud. No apparently not as a couple are stood next to the car with a map.

“Excuse me can you tell us the way to Pickering”

By car of by foot?

“By road we got a little lost”

You do know this is a footpath and not a road.

“See I told you Phil but you wouldn’t listen”

“But the Sat Nav told me to come down here Judith”

Well for a start you are going to have to reverse back to the road.

“Are you sure but the Seat Nav is telling me to continue”

Well you could for another 4 ft then your going to hit a wall. After the wall it’s thick woods then farmers fields.

“But the Sat Nav is saying this is a B road”

To set the scene we have middle aged man pointing in the direction of that photo. Clearly that is where his Mythical road is heading. But he won’t accept that what faces him is a wall and oblivion. The woman is clearly about to murder said middle aged man.

Trust me you need to reverse the mile down the path. When you get to the road. And you can tell it’s a road as it has road markings on it. Then turn left. Head another mile and you will some to a junction with a sign pointing to Pickering.

“But the Sat…”

“Phil just shut the f**k up and listen to the young man. Get in that car and f****g reverse or so help me I am going to kill you.”

I like Judith increasingly – young man…. and with they got back in the car and started to reverse. When I say reverse they got stuck in the mud. So followed 30 minutes of following the car and with repeated pushes finally Phil and Judith made it back to the road network. I have had my workout for the day and I now resemble Rambo. Unfortunately I suspect Phil is so dead…

Posted on June 13, 2019 by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 64 Comments

Repeating movies

The Great British Summer. As we fast approach the longest day our paths are becoming increasingly flooded. Not sure we have seen the sun in June yet. Plus if it’s summer why have we got the heating on full blast….

I walk (or swim) down this path most days. When I was younger I hated walking or running down the same routes. Always had to find new paths, new places to explore. Now it’s a different world. I’ve changed. Maybe I’m just broken. I repeatedly walk the same routes. I never venture far. It almost feels like this is my little world now. I’m not really wanted or needed outside of these boundaries. So I pace the same paths making sure the outside world doesn’t encroach here. Doing the same thing reduces anxiety. It’s a defence mechanism. It’s probably how I survive.

Our Son likes doing the same thing. He becomes obsessive about certain things. Repetition is king. I’ve talked with him about it. He doesn’t see it as an anxiety thing. For him it’s enjoyment. It’s who he is. Take movies as an example. We hardly watch any TV now but we do watch a lot of movies. Saturday night is when we match a new movie. During the rest of the week Son likes to repeatedly watch a really small list of movies.

Thor

Thor – The Dark World

Thor – Ragnarok

The Avengers

Guardians of the Galaxy (fast forwarding the first few minutes)

Captain America – Winter Soldier

Sherlock Holmes x 2 – the Robert Downey Jr ones

Fantastic Mr Fox

ScoobyDoo – Frankencreepy

Pirates of the Caribbean

Jumanji – Welcome to the Jungle

To be fair it’s not a static list. New ones can be added like Avengers End Game and Peter Rabbit.

With his bad hand he is coming back from school and just resting. That means it’s extended movie time. We have had both Sherlock Holmes movies basically on repeat for the last week. Since Saturday we have seen both movies 5 times. That type of repetitive behaviour is common place here. I remember one consultant wanting to deal with this as an OCD problem. Fortunately we didn’t follow his advice. This fits firmly within the Autistic Repetitive/obsessive realm. As such our son is very comfortable with this. He finds great comfort and enjoyment from it. It’s not a mental health disorder that is somehow treated away – it’s a lifelong personality trait

When I asked him about watching the same movies again and again he said

“I enjoy these movies more than seeing different ones. I am safe in the these worlds. I can dream without fear. I see new small details every time I watch them. The characters are friends. The hero’s never fail.”

So we watch Sherlock Holmes and a Game of Shadows. Mycroft (Stephen Fry) delivers the immortal line.

The two countries shall remain unnamed but I can tell you they speak French and German.

Son laughs until tears roll down his face. Movies are great especially the ones that make the repetitive list.

Posted on June 13, 2019 by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 61 Comments

Best buddies

Three things from this photo

OMG the garden needs some attention (only a little bit in view but it’s a fair representation of the rest)
I must take down last years Catherine Wheel Firework
Captain Chaos with a couple of his best buddies.

The dog has many buddies. Our fat cat (he particularly likes him when he is covered in food and he becomes a mobile dinner plate). The Frog and the Toad who he desperately tries to lick when they hop across the garden. The Pigeon who he follows round the garden. The Sheep who he likes sniffing. The Squirrel who buries his nuts in our lawn and the dog who goes round digging them up. AND TWO COWS.

The farmer has a herd of cows in the field which backs onto our garden. Something like 30 cows and he will bark at 28 of them. Especially if they come anywhere near our (sorry his) fence. So they tend to keep their distance. But two cows are different. Two are clearly special. He doesn’t bark at them, just wags his tail furiously. When the cows see the dog they immediately head towards the fence and meet the crazy mutt. Then the meeting of species gets a tad personal. Nose to nose, looking into eyes and much licking. I’m not sure who has got the worse of this arrangement. Not sure I fancy being licked by a cow but I’m not sure a crazed Captain Chaos lick attack is much fun either. This lasts for about 5 minutes then they slowly walk along the fence munching on grass. This can go on for hours – it’s the only time the dog does anything slowly. Yes our dog pretends to be a cow.

Have any of your pets had strange buddies?

Posted on June 10, 2019 by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 105 Comments

Moody

It’s been one of those days. Lack of sleep, work piling up, house falling to bits, nothing seeming to go to plan. Mood level – somewhere between not great and moody. This photograph sorta sums it up.

Well Son went to school for the first time since he had his accident at school last week. He was still in a lot of pain but we decided to give it a go. Dosed up on child painkillers he was dropped off. School given clear instructions to contact me immediately if he was struggling with the pain and I would pick him up.

No phone call came from school so I assumed things went ok. If only.

Apparently during his first lesson the pain started to get worse. At the end of the lesson the class teacher noticed he was struggling and he was told to get his bag and go to reception. Reception then sent him to see a senior teacher – a teacher who has had no contact with our son previously. Son told him the circumstances, that he was struggling with pain and the instructions I had given school. The teacher went onto the computer and after a few seconds said something like

“You have had a lot of time off. Your attendance record is too poor for you to be sent home. Go to reception get some painkillers and then go to your next lesson.”

So he stayed in school, in pain and in his words not able to concentrate on any of his lesson.

Mood level now – pissed off.

Yes his attendance record has dropped below 95% – a Government target. Yet that’s because he has had two accidents AT SCHOOL which have required hospital intervention and medically approved time off. Take those out and his record is just about 100%.

So it appears that if attendance drops below 95% then regardless of pain level or illness, a child will not be sent home. However a child with an attendance over 95% would be sent home. Apparently today a girl fell over and hurt her knee. She was in tears and clearly in a lot of pain but was not sent home due to her attendance record. Yet a boy who had a sore throat was sent home because they had a good attendance record.

Mood level now – Apoplectic.

So tomorrow I will drop off son and then demand to see the Headteacher. The only reason I’m not doing it now is that son wants me to calm down as he doesn’t trust me at the moment. That is probably a really good call.

Posted on June 9, 2019 by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 74 Comments

Seasons

Same view – different season.

I never asked my partner which view she preferred. One of thousands of questions I never asked. Oh for those 17 years again…. I suspect she would not have gone for the snow version. She didn’t like being cold. To be honest she didn’t like it too hot as well. She was a Spring and Autumn person.

I would definitely opt for the snow version. I have always liked the cold. Maybe it was all those years of sitting watching the most northerly English Premier Football Team. Sat in a black and white shirt in the middle of winter. In summer I would melt. That’s a Yorkshire summer. Lord knows what I would do if I lived in Arizona or The Mediterranean or The Middle East.

Switzerland can get hot in the summer. I remember one really hot day. It was too hot for my partner. After a quick visit to the zoo she stayed in the hotel with our son while I went for a run along the lake. Never been so hot. After 40 minutes it was too much and I just jumped into the lake. Oh the sweet cool glacial waters. And I can’t swim… When I emerged from the lake a sweet old man was walking past shading the sun out with an umbrella. In almost perfect English he said

“Grüezi. You must be English. Only someone from England would be mad enough to run in this.”

But I digress. This is Swiss Sunday and it’s not supposed to be about me. That’s wrecked any chance of a free Toblerone from the Swiss Tourist Board.

Switzerland is a special place. A place for special memories. A place where you can visit a valley one trip and it’s deep snow perfect for skiing. The next trip it’s scorching hot and it’s beach soccer.

Unlike the UK these days it still gets distinct seasons. Stunning colours in Spring. Heat in the Summer. Moody Autumns. Proper winters. That is how it should be. Something we need to try and preserve.

Posted on June 6, 2019 by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 119 Comments

Tell me why

In my voice – Tell me why

My partner was taken from us when she was so young.
The system continually fails our son.
The Government can find billions to bribe other parties to keep it in power but can’t find the money to fund education support for the kids who need it.
I don’t sleep anymore.
They say the world is getting smaller yet I feel so isolated.
Chocolate has so many blooming calories.
Hair doesn’t like growing on my head yet it sprouts like an Amazonian Forest on the back of the my hands.
The cat continually finds a way into the wardrobe.
I can’t find any socks in this house.
They never made a Captain Scarlet movie.

In our son’s voice – Tell me why

My mum had to die.
Both my grannies had to die.
My hamster had to die.
My girl cat who was like a sister to me had to die.
I can’t read.
Some people think I am stupid just because I am autistic and dyslexic.
Shops have to be so busy.
Hazard is leaving Chelsea.
Do people have to kiss in films.
Marvel Movies are way better than DC Movies.
Most kids don’t like rock music.
Broccoli wasn’t deemed an inedible plant.
My Dad can’t cook.

In our dogs voice – Tell me why

I get shouted at for pinching socks.

I get shouted at for digging holes.

I get shouted at for eating garden tools.

I get shouted at for eating garden furniture,

I get shouted at for digging up plants.

I get shouted at for burying stuff like socks.

I get shouted at for pulling bits of the apple tree off.

I get shouted at for climbing in the hedge.

I get shouted at for eating cat poo, cow poo, sheep poo.

I get shouted at for pinching food.

My best friend isn’t with us anymore. I know I am a dog but she was a really cool cat.

In our boy cats voice – Tell me why

My sister isn’t with us anymore.

My best friend, the really lovely woman has gone. I miss siting on her lap.
I get shouted at for missing the cat litter by several feet.
I get really shouted at for missing the litter by so many feet I hit the wall.
I get shouted at for sitting in front of the TV when a movie is on.
I get shouted at for sneaking into the wardrobe and getting white hairs on all the black clothes.
I get shouted at for falling in hot plates of food.
I get shouted at for always tripping people up.
I get shouted at for sleeping on the laptop.
I get shouted at for sleeping on the toaster.

In our gerbils voice – Tell me why

We don’t live in a toilet roll factory.

Posted on May 3, 2019 by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 98 Comments

Confession time

I need to come clean about something. A secret I have hidden from all but my closest family, friends and postman. Darkness personified. Please don’t be too upset with me.

I have a beard.

There you go I’ve admitted it now.

It’s a recent thing. Not as if I was born with it. I was born with a mass of black curly hair. Was almost called Jimmy after rock guitarist Jimmy Hendrix. Yes born with his hairstyle. A few years later I would have been named Brian after another rock guitarist. In the end I was named after an actor who played in many cowboy movies without a beard.

When the beard started our son never mentioned it. Well not until he told someone working at a ticket office that his dad was trying to get a job with ZZTOP.

Trust me it’s not that long….

I understand the technical term is a short beard. A number 1. Rather aptly I had to re-type short as my first attempt replaced the or with an i.

It’s funny in the 17 years I was with my partner the subject of beards only came up once. That was on a French TGV speed train. So I don’t know if the beard would be fondly stroked or would produce a Paddington Bear like stare followed by the words “shave it now”.

Is it time for the beard to go. I’ve decided that I am now even less likely to be mistaken for George Clooney.

It’s never going to happen. Take George’s beard and transplant it on the back end of a Honey Badger. That’s what we are dealing with.

So maybe it’s time to say goodbye.

But our son is now not keen to say goodbye to it. This is an amazing turnaround as a few years back on a French train the guard had a beard. As he walked down the packed carriage our young son stood up, pointed at the beard and shouted “he’s got rabies”. By the look on the guards face that was three words of English he fully understood.

Now as part of his strategy to save the beard he has named it. As everyone knows if you name something it suddenly gets protected status. So what do I do now.

By the way the beard is now name Mr Crimble….