Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 39 Comments

Tree

A brief bit of sun to lift the spirits of a tree that still stands proud after many years of weather beatings. Stood on an exposed hilltop with nothing between it and the prevailing weather systems heading across from the Atlantic. Countless storms, damaging winds and more than two direct lightning strikes.

When I need a lift, I look across the fields to this friend and it is a friend. A constant reminder of resilience. But also so much more. A reminder of what life can still mean, of beautiful dreams and new memories to be made.

We can do this.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 57 Comments

Thinking

A Sunday in a very quiet part of Yorkshire. A good place to think.

It’s now over 5 years since I became a widow. Where did those 5 years go. Some days it feels like a lifetime, then there are times when it only seems like yesterday. Whatever it feels like, a lot has changed over those years. I’m a changed person with a changed outlook on life (and death). There were times when I thought that was it, life was over. It was just a matter of survival. But I made it through those times and I’m ready to start experiencing what this world has to offer again. I am dreaming again. Different dreams and whisper it, bigger dreams. Maybe that’s a surprising thought. Grief has taught me how to better LIVE. Looking back, to the run up to my partner dying, my priorities were far too often skewed. Maybe I was just surviving. Taking life for granted. Going through the motions. Not looking for adventures. Already personally hemmed in, struggling. Then everything changed within two weeks. Suddenly life’s safety net was removed. I was a single parent with the established script ripped up. I didn’t realise it but I suddenly had to face up to life. Over those 5 years I had to make changes, reappraise everything. Finally decide what was truly important to me.

So as I stood looking across that peaceful graveyard I could see something which I had missed. Grief was about coming to terms with loss, coming to terms with regrets, trying to be the best parent I could be to a young child who needed me AND a process of coming back to life again.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 24 Comments

Missing

One of those frustrating school at home days. Four lessons and zero work provided by school. No communication from teachers. Radio silence. Is it a Covid testing day. Is it a vaccination day. Is it a trip out day. Are the school systems down. Is it a revision day. Has Hawklad just been forgotten about….. Surely he is not the only pupil working from home.

I will let school know, AGAIN….

I wonder if the problem is a lot to do with a big school mentality. Maybe it’s what happens in the UK when you have school with over 800 pupils with a sixth form college bolted on for good measure. You have a teacher (maybe with a teaching assistant) trying to teach 30 pupils in an overcrowded classroom. Not enough time for individual teaching. That only happens when a pupil puts their hand up and asks for help. At home you can’t do that. What do the teaching staff do when many hands go up at the same time.

And here’s the other thing that makes a difference. Each subject has a different teacher and assistant and they change every school year. So it feels like all the time spent building up a relationship with the teaching staff is lost every summer. Working from home means that hardly any of the teaching staff have ever met Hawklad. None of the teaching staff have tried to speak with him (or me) since the pandemic started. Initially it worked better as one member of the team knew Hawklad. She had worked with him. She got him. She made the effort to ensure he was looked after and catered for. But she left. The current team don’t KNOW HIM. Maybe he is just seen as additional workload, an inconvenience.

So today Hawklad did his own learning until lunchtime then I called it and that was the end of the school day.

Let’s try again tomorrow.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 63 Comments

Return

Halloween has been and gone. A tremendous excuse to watch proper Halloween movies. Scooby Doo and The Muppets. Can’t go wrong with them.

I’m pleased to report Vampires, Werewolves, Ghouls, Goblins, Boris Johnson and U2 where all put off from trick or treating, by the tropical Yorkshire weather.

It’s also a good time to see if those outside Christmas lights which I forgot to to take down 10 months ago, have survived the Yorkshire weather.

So the next school term has started. Sadly without much enthusiasm from either Hawklad or his Muppet Dad. No return to the classroom looks imminent so we continue the school at home project. At least some of the lessons had work supplied. No sign that Hawklad’s work is being looked at but at least there is something for him to do. But what he is looking at is of so little interest to him. Learning for learnings sake. I bet it doesn’t stick in his mind as well as his real interests do. That’s life. That explains why I can remember every line, word for word, in Scooby Doo movies yet I can never remember where I put my car keys. How I can unerringly locate exactly where the chocolate is yet I can’t remember the diet I’m supposed to be sticking to.

Total Selective Recall.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 16 Comments

Colour

As Winter fast approaches, there is still so much colour around. Just need to keep looking, it’s too easy to assume that colour has left for the year.

A venture inside a small shop for Hawklad. Maybe 8 other shoppers and a couple of shop staff. It took all his strength to survive 2 minutes inside. But here’s the thing, his anxieties in there weren’t just focused on Covid thoughts. Yes those fears explained his refusal to touch any alien surfaces or objects. But those in the shop all had masks on (strict shop policy). He just felt uncomfortable in that relatively small space. Too hemmed in. Too many faces. A space to small for that number of strangers.

The Covid vaccine might help will some anxieties but not with all the ones circulating in his world. A small village shop is a world away from an overcrowded classroom in a school with 900 pupils. His well-being is paramount. It has to be the basis of any decision going forward. Life has to fit for him. That’s the only way he will be happy.

That feels like a roadmap to guide the future.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 41 Comments

Walk on

The week walks on.

Another walk for Hawklad. Autumn is such a beautiful time. The colours and the moody skies. It’s also very quiet here. Hardly a soul on the trails, maybe the occasional farmer. Perfect for those seeking the reassurance and safety of solitude.

That’s such a distance from crowded classrooms and bustling school corridors.

Let’s just keep walking and see where it leads.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 52 Comments

Keep on walking

I know it’s another walking post. Kind of…. That’s been the theme of the week. A chance to regroup, recharge and refocus. Start to see the future more clearly. Focus on choosing the right pathway. Try to spot the dead ends.

A step forward today. Hawklad had his first shot of the covid vaccine. The second shot is still not approved in the UK for children. He made me smile. To the question from the Nurse about allergies, he promptly responded

BROCCOLI.

He was also not impressed with my mask. I couldn’t find my usual one, so I had to go with the spare. Last year when I bought our first masks, I didn’t bother to check if that white mask had a pattern on the front. We both took one look when they arrived and said NO.

Needs must, so the mask got its first outing today. Hawklad would only be seen with me if I completely coveted my face with a hood. I looked like a Sith Lord. When the nurse asked if I was his dad, the response was

Certainly not with that mask……

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 27 Comments

Walk free

Been that type of day. Dark, cold and brooding.

The paths and trails are empty. Another perfect day for a walk for Hawklad.

It’s nice to be school free this week. It’s nice to be able to walk without the anxieties that brings. It’s nice to hear Hawklad talking about fun stuff.

Yes it’s definitely nice to walk free this week.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 43 Comments

Autumn

Damp, dark, chilly and windy. Definitely Autumn in Yorkshire. it also means places like The Yorkshire Arboretum will be unusually quiet. That’s the perfect time for Hawklad to have a relaxing visit. It’s good when he feels like he just about has a place to himself. That makes such a difference to him.

And it did.

And it made all the difference to his old Dad as well.

Can’t beat the quiet, can’t beat nature, can’t beat the autumnal colours.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 41 Comments

7 days

Sun setting on another day. Looking at the forecast I think the sun is going on holiday for a few days and that holiday won’t be taken in Yorkshire.

It’s now a week off from school and the school at home project. Much needed. The last 7 weeks have been a grind. Lots of hard work and pushing, feeling like it’s lots of effort just to stand still. This week off needs to be about recharging the batteries. Letting Hawklad be himself, try to make it as fun as possible for him. Maybe even catch up with a little bit of Dad sleep. That alarm clock is definitely being switched off for a few days.

So I looked out across the hillside and across the Vale. Looking West towards the setting Sun which was briefly illuminating a strong, resilient tree. We can do this. So many wonderful moments can still be played out. Dreams are out there. Dreams can happen. It can be a wonderful life. It really can be.