Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 74 Comments

Fashion

It was time to go through the wardrobe. Summer out, Winter in. These days Autumn and Spring just count as an unwanted extension to Winter. In come the jumpers, out goes the T-shirts.

With Hawklad it’s straight forward, all his summer clothes can go to the charity shop. They won’t fit him next year. Then to the shop and buy this years winter clothes as last years don’t fit him…… Expensive but straightforward. He is taller than me so I suppose I could have his cast offs as ‘hand me downs’ but

….. I’m not cool enough to wear his clothes.

….. He’s long and thin, I’m NOT….. Imagine The Hulk busting out of his stuff.

My wardrobe is not so straightforward. I wear last years clothes (and the year before that , and the year before that). The record is a purple climbing waterproof jacket which is over 30 years old…. The complications are fourfold with this approach.

One….. having to find somewhere to put the summer stuff so it doesn’t become cat bedding.

Two…. does it still fit. Reassuringly it did. Hang on, is that a good thing. Does that not just confirm that I’m the same wrong shape I was last year. That’s out of shape……😂😂😂😂😂

Three….. has it become that worn with age that unfortunate passerby’s can see through my clothes. I wouldn’t wish that horror on anyone, even Bono.

Four….. stress testing. Can the year older clothes still withstand the immense pressures my body puts stitches under these days. I would hate to be the cause of an international incident.

You notice fashion is not a factor. When you look like me then you can safely wait for my clothes to come back into fashion one year. I still have hopes for my pink leg warmers…….

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 47 Comments

Fuel

My Dad always told me that you should always leave fallen fruit on the ground as that is what happens and it’s what’s best for nature. The only exception would be if the fruit landed on a cricket pitch. The pesky fruit should be immediately removed and the precious pitch should be immediately hoovered and ironed. Clearly cricket comes before nature. This is Yorkshire….

As our garden is nothing like an immaculately cut cricket strip then fruit is left on the ground. Clearly this is what’s best.

This weeks feels like an ‘enjoy the garden’ type of week.

It feels like another self imposed lockdown here in our little part of the world. Reports of petrol stations in the area out of fuel or when they do get a deliver, huge queues immediately forming. Tanker drivers are reporting being followed by cars waiting for them to deliver somewhere. I thought this was supposed to be a proud country seizing back control rather than a madhouse careering out of control from crisis to crisis.

Anyway we don’t need to go anywhere. Hawklad and I can both work from home. We can ration our trips out. We can put on hold the trips we had in mind to aid Hawklad’s bridge building process. A food delivery can be arranged. Let’s leave what fuel has made it to the pumps to those who really need it the most.

Hardly any traffic on our road today. Strange that…. Good day for the police to turn up to do speed checks. I think we clocked up about 4mph as we walked past the bored officer. 30 minutes later he had given up any pretence of working and was reading what appeared to be a magazine about Fishing.

Everyone from work is working from home. Many don’t have enough fuel to get to where they are supposed to get to. Accept one brave person who was going to bike to work – not so brave in reality, it materialises that he had in fact sold his only bike 10 years ago.

We we’re due a home service visit but that’s been cancelled as the van had ran out of fuel. Quite apt as the service was on our home fuel tank.

Maybe the lack of fuel explains the silence from school. Absolutely no work. No emails. Nothing. Could school have run out of petrol as well.

It’s a mad old world.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 26 Comments

Way forward

Who needs a shower when you can walk through an autumnal Yorkshire meadow. The sun might be out but it’s wet. Very wet.

Who would have thought it. THOR with shorts on walking across that very field 😂😂😂 Much waxing needed 😱😱😱😱

Apparently The Government believes that 100,000 children currently off school as a result of Covid is far too many. Letters are being issued to many parents about the need for children to be in school. If parents don’t cooperate then they will be ‘officially assisted’ in getting their children back. I’m sorry but there is a pandemic on. Maybe if those in charge had made schools safer rather than just remove all the requirements for masks and social distancing, then far less kids would have ended up catching Covid.

So this morning I listened to the Government talk about parents again. They should listen to the official message. Do the decent, patriotic thing and believe in what the Government tells them. Schools are safe, send your kids into class. Even if there is underlying health conditions or covid in the household or a covid outbreak in the classroom, kids must be sent in.

Ok…

Hairy Thor can see a slight problem with that. I remember just a few months ago. One Monday morning. The Government was telling parents schools were completely safe. They wrote to schools to instruct them to stay open. Letters were issued talking of the legal consequences of keeping children off school. Headteachers and Parents were threatened that Monday Morning. So schools stayed open. Kids were sent into school. Then just 12 hours later, that very same Monday, after a day of repeated official untruths, The Government CLOSED all schools. Suddenly schools had become a serious vector of pandemic spread. They were apparently not safe after all. How many children, teachers, support staff, parents and grandparents ended up catching Covid needlessly that day…..

I had a long talk with Hawklad. We agreed that regardless of his anxiety levels, he will NOT return until classrooms in his school are safer. That helps with his mindset as well. He was feeling under pressure to return too soon. Let’s see how is mindset is at the end of October.

The path is clearer.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 55 Comments

Fractions

A deep blue sky in Yorkshire, WOW….

Today was a tough MATHS day. Hawklad is number dyslexic. Some numbers become inverted when he sees them. It’s a family trait. When I get tired my mind inverts 4’s and sometimes 7’s. But Hawklad has found a way and he can work round this. He can do some phenomenally complicated arithmetic in his head. Often the problem is trying to put that down on paper but he is getting there.

But one area really does struggle with is decimals and fractions. Put a decimal in a calculation and he just can’t process the solution. Even quite straightforward sums become impossible with a decimal added. Fractions, oh fractions. As hard as he tries fractions will just not sink in.

So today was the perfect Maths Lesson storm. Fractions and decimals. He tried, he really tried but it was just not happening. But he isn’t giving up. In his words, he ‘got the better of word dyslexia, this will be next’.

He is so right. Anything is possible. Two years ago he needed almost one to one help to read. Now he is sat reading Lord of the Rings. Anything is possible when you put your mind to it.

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Longest

You know summer has gone when you return from an evening mad dog walk and you opt for a hot chocolate rather than a cold drink. Tonight was back to back drinks, that’s proper chilly.

“Dad we should go for a really long walk. Take Captain Chaos with us.”

That’s a big call for Hawklad. That might mean lots of gates to navigate without touching, increases the risk of meeting others. Needs to be carefully mapped out and planned. So maybe we could try to walk a bit further on the evening walk. It’s definitely quiet and I know exactly where the gates are.

Maybe he is thinking about building bridges. Getting use to being out in the big bad world again.

“No Dad we need to go much further but definitely when it’s quiet. It’s nothing to do with meeting people again.”

Ok then we might need to get up at dawn. Does he want to go anywhere in particular.

Apparently not. He just wants a long walk. Maybe it’s just a fitness thing. Maybe he thinks the four legged one needs more exercise.

Apparently not as well. So why does he want the long walk. Actually he wants his longest ever walk.

“It’s really about you Dad”

Oh I never saw that coming. Is he thinking I need to get out more. Maybe start hill walking again.

“No Dad. I was thinking this afternoon about my longest ever. Do you remember it. You took me when I had just started school for a short walk on the army land. You got lost and didn’t bother bringing a map because you didn’t need one. 5 hours later we got back to the car. Do you remember it rained and I didn’t have my coat as you said that I didn’t need one. We didn’t have any food or water. At one stage a soldier told us get back on the path”

Oh yes I remember that….

“I was thinking that my longest ever walk should have a purpose and not just be about my Dad being a muppet.”

He knows me to well……

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Sky

That’s a sky…. It was definitely a stand and look up sky……

So the school at home week closes. That was a struggle. The worry is that Hawklad feels jaded already, his Dad isn’t far behind. That’s after week ONE…

A week in which only fragments of the school teaching programme has found its way here.

So we have two subjects teachers that have started having direct contact with Hawklad. One just to say sorry that Hawklad had been forgotten about and they will try to better soon. The other subject actually provided all the class questions looked at. The other subjects have been largely silent leaving on what is expected of him leaving this up to the Dream Team to figure out what to do. So with a bit more WORK for me to do this week coinciding with sadly even less sleep – YEP it’s been a struggle.

Hawklad’s anxieties have definitely increased since school returned. Yes he’s at home but it’s still impacting on him. He’s been struggling even more when he’s been outside as well. The thing that school don’t seem to understand is that this is not just about COVID. There are so many interconnected themes playing out here. So yes the news that Hawklad’s age group will soon receive one dose of a vaccine is welcome but not the answer. It will reduce the COVID risk but definitely NOT eliminate it. Double vaccinated people are still being impacted by the virus. He knows that.

So we soldier on. Let’s see what happens at this coming weeks counselling session. We make the best of school until things change. I definitely need to re-find my mojo.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 34 Comments

Amazon

Not The Amazon just a sunny Yorkshire evening. A chilly evening. Autumn is definitely here.

Amazon. Oh what a fun shopping experience. Ok the buying bit isn’t that bad now. Usually they have what I need and it arrives in one piece. All except vinyl that seems to have been sat on by an elephant. Occasionally you get the delights of tracking a next day delivery as it slowly wander in and out of the country. On its very own magical mystery tour. Sometimes the wrong item arrives. Sometimes it’s delivered but not here…… But it’s generally ok.

Returns are another matter. Talk about pulling what’s left of my hair out. So last night with some trepidation I tried the Amazon Paperless Return process. An email was sent with a random ink stain image which was apparently all I needed. So with that image on my phone, the elephant warped LP in hand I headed to the nearest drop off location. A petrol station 5 miles away. A really really helpful young till assistant decided I had the face of someone who can’t even work a toaster never mind an online system. I should have whispered that I have a degree in computing….. Never really got the chance as she quickly took over with a smile. She was probably bored out of her mind and this at least broke the monotony of the evening shift. Ominously she warned that the easy and seamless return system was a ‘pigging nightmare’. The all knowing ink stain image was scanned after about 10 minutes of increasingly comical arm movements. Then the paperless system needed to print off a paper label……. It jammed. Then jammed again. Kept jamming and eating labels. An increasing pile of useless labels took over the floor. 30 minutes later we abandoned as we had used up the last label. The next batch of labels wouldn’t apparently arrive until next Thursday.

So today I will return to the petrol station with a label which I have printed out and will have another go at using this paperless Amazon system…..

That’s progress for you.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 54 Comments

As good as it’s got

It’s been a funny old summer. Most odd. For some reason the only thing growing here has been weeds and the lawn. Actually it was a spectacular year for nettles.

In terms of garden produce this is about as good as it’s got.

Is this it. Is this as good as it gets.

My hopes and dreams would definitely say NO, so much more to come. The tired mind and body today might give a different answer. Sometimes I feel stuck. Caught in an endless loop. Two steps forward then two steps back. No clear route to my dreams. Lots of effort and then a few weeks later I’m still stood in the same place.

But then I drag my body to the back fence and I look at a particular tree. A tree that had come to represent so much in my life. A tree that is battered and bruised. Storm after storm. A couple of direct lightning strikes to boot. Once accidentally hit by a farm tractor.

Definitely a lob sided tree, stood alone on an exposed hill.

Yet it’s still here. It still stands proud. Every day I can see it in the distance.

One day maybe the rainbow will land on that tree. It certainly deserves that.

So yes I might be tired and frustrated today but that tree has reminded me to keep going. Change might not come today, but tomorrow is not set in stone. It could just happen. Hopes and Dreams most definitely still in play.

Is this it. Is this as good as it gets. LETS SEE ABOUT THAT.

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Whitby

Maybe being inside amongst strangers is still a step too far for Hawklad but he keeps trying. A late call but we headed towards the North East Coast. To Whitby. A small town with so much history. A small town which provided one of the key settings for Bram Stoker’s Dracula.

These days it’s a busy tourist destination. Today was grey and cold, so hopefully not that busy.

Yes less busy but still too busy for Hawklad. He desperately tried to keep his distance. Often walking down the middle of the road to avoid strangers. His hoody pulled over almost to the bridge of his nose. He couldn’t stay long. It was too uncomfortable and unsettling. He resisted the urge to let me go inside to buy ice cream or the legendary Whitby Fish & Chips. We made it to see a few boats. A quick wander to the Pier. Then it was heading back to the safety and isolation of home.

What happens with school at the end of the week. Still to be determined. But to me there is only one viable road open.

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The River

A Yorkshire River. A bit of an odd Yorkshire River. It’s not in flood……

In winter the River is often several feet above the top of the sand banks. But in summer the banks provide a perfect place for Swift’s to nest.

As we walked along the river edge my thoughts drifted back to when Hawklad had just started school. It was the start of the Aspergers journey. it was before any expert help came our way. Two parents trying to get their head’s round our family life. We kinda knew he was on the spectrum but what did we know. Expert guidance was still 2 years away. It was such a confusing time. But one of my clearest recollections of that time was Hawklads’s reaction to people.

Hawklad struggled with meeting people. He wouldn’t make eye contact with anyone apart from his mum, dad and grannies. His hood was always over his head and pulled down over his eyes. He would freeze or have meltdowns if an outsider was too near. If he was in a room with others then he frequently would be found in a corner, facing the wall. Outside he would hide behind trees until the coast was clear.

Slowly over the following years things started to change. With so much hard work he became better able deal with people. Not comfortable but he found a way. He developed a slightly wider network of friends. Really close friendships formed.

Today we are walking along The River. We are avoiding people. We came off the path because Hawklad was struggling. The hood was over his head again. We headed in another direction as soon as an outsider came into view. If he couldn’t avoid them then he hid behind me. Down by The River he could hide away. He had the place to himself and he could tell his Dad all about the migrational pattern of Swift’s. It felt isolated but safe to him. Away from others. He’s comfortable with me and his best friends. Others just no way.

It feels like I have been here before.