Sometimes the path leads to the light. The direction is clear. Other times the path takes you unerringly into darkness and uncertainty. Into fear.

Over the last few days my spirit and my mojo has dropped alarmingly. Today life is a struggle. I’m tired. I’m making too many mistakes. The smile is a little too forced. Confidence is a rare commodity. I feel old and worn out. The direction seems uncertain. Even the written word seems increasingly wooden. A few paths maybe have run their course. Maybe too many paths are now just covering old ground. Life focuses on don’ts rather than do’s. Where abstinence from the likes of caffeine moves from health enabling to puritanical punishment. Life doesn’t flow it requires back breaking effort.

It’s times like this that LOSS hits home the hardest. You realise what has been lost. That reassuring presence is just not there. The rooms seem empty and echo with sad thoughts. Isolation is all consuming. My bones feel fear. Yes fear.

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear” – C.S.Lewis

The track in the photograph – eventually it bends to the left and takes you out of the eerie dark. On the other side of the hill the track opens out and runs through a beautiful little moor. Just need to have the courage to keep on going.

So tonight let’s just get through what’s left of this lifeless day. Then in the morning – reset and go again. Find that path. Maybe it’s a new path with old ones closed down. Have the courage to continue down it.

99 thoughts on “Fear”

      1. But sometimes you have to go down to reach the upward climb. Never let appearance guide your way. Explore before you commit. Life is about learning, not succeeding.

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  5. Maybe it’s the old path that CS Lewis discovered and was “surprised by joy” (the title of his autobiography). All the best in finding the right path!

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  9. I don’t know what it is – perhaps the ensuing winter just around the corner? I have been feeling a heaviness and weariness as well. Another blogger wrote about it as well. Maybe it’s just the shorter days and the season. But in your case grief would magnify it all, wouldn’t it? I am guessing it would. Still, even with all the heavy darkness you end on an optimistic note, which is why I love reading your posts. No matter what is going on in your life you reach out for hope – which is the best way to be in my opinion. May you find renewed joys and courage to carry on. God bless.

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  11. It’s okay .. to have these days .. moments but please do not stay there long. Yes pick yourself up. We all have these days and yours is very understandable. Must be in the air though today I have felt a bit down . And thinking a lot. We are all here for you .

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  16. C. S.Lewis certainly knew what he was talking about. I think that his experience of falling in love with Joy Gresham after their civil marriage to allow her to stay in England with her two sons, then losing her to cancer a few years later must have been horribly difficult. Yet he remained guardian to her two sons and brought them up, then stayed in contact with them for the rest of his life. Very hard. He knew all right.

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  17. Those mental climbs can be the worst. You have demonstrated your strength so many times and demonstrate it again by dealing with your doubts and fears by writing about them. You will always make it through these dark and hard periods for this very reason.

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  18. I remember reading a qwote long ago that said something like this ” it takes more stragth to continue down the path of life than to sit down and give up ” so never sell your self short on making it throw each and every day. 🌹

    ❤️✌️
    BY FOR NOW

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  19. Knowing that there is that beautiful little moor down that track and around the blind corner can allay the fear of what might be ahead on the track that we cannot see from our current vantage point.

    We can never be certain just what lies around ‘the corner’ on the path of life we walk along however. (We walk along it , not down – keep the connotations balanced or in the positive – why don’t we ever say we walk UP that path – to greater heights where we can see more clearly, why do we walk down? to the depths? maybe because it is easier to walk downhill than uphill? These things affect us sub-consciously!)

    But we can be certain that life in general has both it’s ups and downs and that when we are down there is often an up not too far away. It can help to hold that thought in mind.

    And sleep helps.

    I have a post in mind about how we might learn to better control our thoughts so that things like Fear, depression, negativity and wandering thoughts do not dominate us as much as they often seem to do.

    I hope to post it on my ‘The Brain and How to Better Use It Blog’ which i have sadly neglected.

    I’ll let you know when it’s ready.

    Sending you thoughts for a brighter, less tiring day. 🙂

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      3. It’s the Universal Law of Balance at work.

        While it is universal, it does not have to fairly ‘balance’ on any one individual level, or at least not in one single lifetime of an individual.

        That can be the real vexation.

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      5. Very true.

        1st world problems vs 3rd world problems!

        The scales of the ‘Balance’ also swing up and down; they rarely settle at one level for too long.

        That should give us encouragement.

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  20. I understand the fear only too well. I feel it too. Inhope you find your rope. I am looking too. Feeling so much for you Gary and sending love. Xxxx

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  23. Pingback: Fear – A Dad trying to cope with the loss of his Partner and becoming a single parent. – International Badass Activists

      1. Thank you for the hugs! Sending some back, especially because next week is going to SUCK. Full days in schools on top of university work. But it supports the family, and that’s what matters. xxxxxx

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      5. Only once for a Christmas event, and yes. There’s immediate expectations on both sides: they expect you to call on them and let them be right a lot, and you expect them to behave perfectly and be right a lot. Rarely is either side totally happy with the outcome, because they see you as “Mom” not “teacher,” and you see them as “kiddo” not “student.” It’s just best to avoid whenever possible. xxxxx

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