Basically we have had about 36 hours of rain and drizzle. I looked up the weather stats and for hours of sunshine it has ZERO for two days now. I can’t remember the last time I went looking for the sun cream. Probably back into early July.
Perfect weather for rhubard….
Another hit on the return to school journey for Hawklad.
He is still struggling to be close to others, even outside. His trusted Psychologist has now left and we are waiting news on a replacement. The one restaurant he was considering trying to go inside for a meal, burnt down….
So it’s not been straightforward but he is still trying.
He was hoping to see a close friend early this week. Spend time at the friends house. Another important step. But we got a telephone call. His friend has Covid.
A September classroom return is seemingly becoming more problematic for Hawklad. A
Another early start. This time a seriously early one. A perfect insomniac storm. 3am. Hawklad has woken and can’t sleep. I have not been to bed yet and sleep feels a million miles away.
Hawklad wonders if we can see the dawn brake. On the coast.
So a few moments later and after I had sampled the meanest of espressos, we are driving. Driving past badgers, foxes and owls. Before 4am we arrive at RSPB Bempton Cliffs. It’s still pitch black and we have the site to ourselves. It’s such an eerie feeling walking in the complete absence of light and sound. Even to early for the thousands of seabirds perched precariously on the cliffs. No wind and even the sea was strangely becalmed.
In perfect time to watch dawn brake. No thoughts of an Albatross who was apparently out at sea. Who needs one bird when you get to watch all this unfold.
The dark was a challenge to my iPhone camera but it gave it a go.
By 7am a few people had started to arrive, mainly here to take up prime spots and wait. Hoping on catching sight of one particular bird. They had no idea what they had just missed. The deafening sound of seabirds hides the peace that existed just 2 hours ago.
We were back in the car and driving a few minutes later. The site had lost its appeal to Hawklad. Even a handful of strangers proving too much for him. But he had got to see a spectacular show first hand. Just the two of us so without his anxieties. He slept during the ride home.
Yes it was a ridiculously early start. Yes I went more than 24 hours without sleep. But it was worth it for those couple of hours when Hawklad felt that he had the world to himself. I suspect it won’t be the last time we do this. Yes there will be time for trips out to build those social bridges but those come with anxieties. We all need these times and places of sanctuary. Hawklad does. Yes even a worn down parent needs them.
If you look in the right direction and it looks like Summer in Yorkshire. For those cloud spotters out there, can you see the really chubby bird being chased my two smaller, slightly more streamlined birds…
Turn in the other direction and it’s grey as more weather is about to sweep over us.
Yes Sunday the 15th is cool here. That cool that the car heater was given a much needed whirl.
That’s just over 3 weeks to schools reopening here. Yesterday another trip out. Another attempted step towards bridge building. Yesterday’s trip felt a little more discouraging. Having seen Hawklad’s extreme anxiety at being within just a few paces away from a handful of strangers, 3 weeks does not seem much time at all. He was spooked by people not wearing masks. Spooked by strangers not interested in social distancing. This was outside. A million miles away from an over crowded classroom with no social distancing. In cramped rooms with inadequate ventilation. Places which have always been a breeding ground for germs and bugs. Places which are frequently unpleasant places to sit for hours. Not conducive environments for learning. It was that way when I was at school, it hasn’t changed now my son is there.
As other countries invest millions in installing classroom ventilation my so called Government has decided to trial ventilation in 30 schools in one small city. See how that goes for 6 months or more, then systematically review the results. Only after that can they start to think about better ventilation for schools. So maybe in a couple of years time, maybe some money can be found. Strange how on the eve of a vital Climate Change world summit, the Government approved a giant new oil and gas field within days…
Priorities….
So today we will try to head out again. To a different destination. Try to find another place to visit which is slightly less busy with more space. Try for another step forward. Maybe these steps may need to start heading in a different direction. One not focused to heavily on forcing an imminent return to the classroom.
Kirkham is a former Augustinian Priory that was founded in 1120. It was active until 1539 when it was surrendered as part of the King’s dissolution of the monasteries.
During WWII it was used as a test site for the D-Day Landing preparations. A site so important that it was visited by the King and Winston Churchill.
It’s amazing that there was anything left at all after that.
It’s now been visited by Hawklad. Far less destructive.
Another important step.
A full car park but a large enough site that no one hardly ever came too close. As Hawklad points out, about 30m is the sweet spot. The ideal social distancing. Any closer than that and people start to make him uncomfortable. It doesn’t seem much but that is progress. At least we don’t run for cover at the first sight of others….
A couple of times the 30m gap was broached. Once by a friendly Alsatian, that was acceptable. Once by a woman about my age. This resulted in Hawklad pulling his hoody over his head in Sith Lord style and he gave her the full Paddington stare. When that failed to work he decided to hide behind a large piece of history until she had walked off. I later asked why he didn’t put his mask on. The response was worryingly ‘I really wanted to but no one else was wearing them and I didn’t want to stand out’.
That social pressure is a concern. If he does return to the classroom in September then it will only work if he can take the steps he needs to manage his anxieties. The worst thing would be if he was forced into situations that he is really uncomfortable with. If the class doesn’t wear masks then will he wear his when he needs it.
So yes another step forward but there are so many more still to be taken.
Another dawn start by the Yorkshire coast. No albatross this morning but so worth the 3.30am alarm call.
Birdwatching and an attempt to re-establish social bridges.
It’s the perfect time for Hawklad to do a bit of bird spotting. You have the site largely to yourself. The sound of the sea and thousands of birds is very soothing. It’s a good way for him to focus on something different. Something which distracts him from those daily anxieties. He can feel at one with nature.
Then the occasional early morning birdwatcher turned up. It’s a big site so they kept their distance. For a couple of hours no one came within 100 yards of us. Maybe I’m scaring them off – early morning starts do nothing for my granite like features. Definitely a facefor radio. As more birders took up position Hawklad became less relaxed. More anxious glances over the shoulder. Making sure no one is approaching.
By 8am more people are turning up. Still maybe no more than a few dozen in total. Too many for Hawklad so we leave and head back home. Giving people wide berths on paths. Picking the least busy route through a slowly filling up car park. Getting back to the car then using had wash for several minutes. Carefully rinsing the mouth out with mouthwash.
This still feels like a million miles from venturing back into shops and enclosed spaces. So far away from crowds. A return to school is potentially just a month away. The first step has to be feeling comfortable with crowds and strangers outside. Only then can the ficus shift to inside matters.
Another step forward but I’m not sure how much more of those social bridges were built.
A Tree on a Saturday but not this Saturday. Its different today. It’s cold, it’s wet, it’s windy. Thunder is rumbling all around us. Not really sunbathing weather. Not really the weather to stand anywhere near a tree on an exposed hill top. Another bright flash. Now hail.
A day for staying inside and dreaming.
Maybe in a few hours a trip out in the weather to an historic site. Should be quiet. That will help Hawklad.
This Saturday is now only 35 days from the start of the new school year. 35 days sounds a long time. Something like 3,000,000 million seconds. That does sound such a long time. But it isn’t. It really isn’t. Is it enough time to build life bridges. To move from finding quiet outdoor sites. Where the few people there are distant. Where you don’t touch any surfaces. You nervously cast glances at strangers. If space shrinks then you ask to leave. Is it enough time to build a bridge. To move to overcrowded classrooms. Classrooms with no ventilation. To being within inches of others. To sharing table surfaces, sharing learning materials, sharing classroom objects.
It feels like not enough time to build secure bridges. That’s the thing that some don’t understand. You can’t put a set timeframe on these things. There is no set time. Hawklad feels like he should try to go back to school. He should try for September. Any later and he’s joining a class part way through the year. Never an easy experience. But he is having doubts. Maybe it’s October. He has decided to push those thoughts and decisions to the back of his mind. Deal with those anxieties as September hits.
For what it’s worth I think a September return is way too early, fraught with so many risks that could bring those fledgling bridges down. His departing Health Professional feels exactly the same way. School thinks this is the perfect time to reintegrate him. The Government thinks that I am a bad parent for having these doubts. Childhood is about getting those qualifications the economy needs. Anxieties, mental health issues are excuses. Purely reasons for extended holidays.
So this Saturday feels stress filled. Maybe Hawklad is right. Put these thoughts to one side. Let’s see if we venture out. If we do then let’s see if some bridge building takes place. Let’s wait to see where those bridges lead to. You never know it could be to a better place. A place of dreams and contentment. Happiness. That’s what really counts this stormy Saturday.
Thought for the day. Latest data reveals that in the UK 34,000 children are suffering from Long Covid. In Scotland it has been announced that when schools return they will maintain Covid precautions such as masks. The Scottish Government is also spending millions on improving classroom ventilation. Meanwhile in England, all Covid precautions have been removed from schools as they are deemed perfectly safe….
Deep sigh.
There have been many DEEP SIGHS recently.
We have just found out that the Psychologist supporting Hawklad is leaving in two weeks time. At this stage the Service is not able to confirm when a replacement will be put in place. They can’t even confirm if the support will continue.
Deep sigh.
It takes Hawklad a significant amount of time to build up confidence in new faces. It took a lot of work from this professional to establish a bond, unfortunately now it’s all change again. That’s been the story over the last 5 years. So many new starts….. Even if a replacement is immediately put in place it will take many many months before any kind of meaningful link could be possibly established. That is at a time when his stress and anxiety levels are rocketing with an impending return to classroom teaching (?). A time when he is likely to require high levels of support.
This service is the last remaining support that Hawklad gets these days. But like most areas of child mental health, it’s a service under stress. Service demand rapidly outstripping its limited resources. The service has to prioritise those children most at risk of immediate harm and many families miss out on the help they so badly need. We may well start to miss out. Too many children suffer. Parents and families try do their best. Muddle through. But some of these areas are highly specialised and parents are just not equipped to deal with the issues. Plus many parents are already running on fumes and are struggling.
My country can find the money to buy additional nuclear missiles, can find the money to buy a new luxury royal yacht, can find the money to build a High Speed Train link that few people want, can find the money to pay Government Ministers legal fees and cover bullying damages awarded against a member of the Government. YET the country can’t seem to find the money or desire to protect its very own children.
Steep cliffs filled with a wide range of gulls, gannets and sea birds. It’s a special place at any time of the year. Don’t forget your thermal underwear if you are coming …..
But today eyes, binoculars and telescopes are aimed at one spot near that distant sea arch. There sits an Albatross. That rarest of Southern Hemisphere wonders has made its way north. And with impeccable taste has made a temporary home in Yorkshire. Hope Albert (his new name) has brought his woolly hat and jumpers.
This was our second attempt to see Albert. We left the house at 4am more in hope than expectation. This time we were in luck. Through the lens we could see Albert perched on the cliff face. For an hour we watched the new Yorkshire Star. Then in seconds he was out to sea. A brief glimpse of an Albatross flying. Towering over the other birds.
If Albert stays long enough then we will try again. This time hoping for a longer sight of him flying. even maybe a chance to get a photograph.
It was also another step for Hawklad. Another encounter with strangers. All very friendly strangers. He kept his distance but managed to stay. Another step in the right direction all thanks to an Albatross. Who would have thought of that one.
Bylands Abbey which is not far from our home. We are blessed with so much history on our doorstep. There has been an abbey on this site since 1135. Bylands grew to be one of the most important monasteries in the country. It’s church was described as one the finest in Europe during the 12th century. At its peak it was home to 36 monks and 100 lay brothers. It was closed in 1538 as part of Henry VIII’s suppression of the monasteries.
Late afternoon we ventured here. The weather had been grim but was slowly improving. It seemed the perfect time and place for Hawklad to test just how much progress he had made with connecting again with the wider world again. His favourite subject, HISTORY and likely to quiet.
At the start it was a little too quiet for the test. We had the site completely to ourselves. There are places which have a special atmosphere. This is certainly one of them. You could definitely hear the echos of the past.
After a while a few other brave souls arrived. A couple of families. Some rather damp walkers. A well behaved dog. I dread to think the damage Captain Chaos could cause if he was given free reignhere. The dissolution of the monasteries would have happened so much quicker if only it had been left to a mad pup.
It’s a pretty big, open site but to Hawklad it shrank rather too quickly. No one got too close, Hawklad made sure of that. He noted that no one had masks on. He wanted to put his on but felt self conscious. Even when I put mine on he still declined. He made sure not to touch any surfaces. The visit changed in nature. From a fun historic walk to anxious glances and nerves. Within a few minutes Hawklad was rapidly heading towards the exit and the safety of the car.
So he made another visit. It’s a step in the right direction. But it also highlighted just how far he still has to venture. Even small numbers of strange faces are enough to throw him. That’s outside and not inside. Inside would be such a test. A test he may face sooner rather than later if he is to return to school in September.
I had to go into the work unit for a few hours. Hawklad decided to come with me but to stay in the car outside. We are lucky as the unit is basically in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by farmland. It’s also down a small dead end lane. It’s quiet and I can park the car right next to the front door so Hawklad is never more than a few feet away and can see me. With the door open he can even chat to me. But not on this visit. He wanted to watch some movies on a tablet. So being the dutiful dad I filled up the storage with movies. You can guess the movies. Avengers, Lord of the Rings, Godzilla, Monty Python, Indiana Jones. Perfect for him…..
“Dad can you delete some of these movies so I can download the ones I really want to watch. I want to watch Victoria and Abdul, Robert the Bruce and Henry V. Historic masterpieces.”
Ok… Definitely will delete some of these movies. Just thought you might like watching them.
“I know Dad. You try 😂😂😂. But you are so out of touch with the teenage years now. 😂😂😂😂. And face it dad your idea of great historic movie is Jurassic Park….😂😂😂😂😂”.
A Dad trying to cope with the loss of his Partner and becoming a single parent. 