Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 40 Comments

What went wrong

While I was rummaging around the loft I came across a box from mums old house. Inside I found all sorts of things. Decades old bus timetables, shopping lists, out of date vouchers, instructions from long lost video recorders, random keys and coins from long defunct foreign currencies. My mum had a philosophy – you never know when you might need this. Actually the answer was invariably – NEVER.

But as I still have the box I must clearly have signed up to mums philosophy. But I did find and one of my old school reports. All pretty boring apart from the Home Economics page. I quote

“He shows some talent in cooking. He has mastered a number of baking recipes. He has produced some very good bread loafs and cakes.”

Wow. What went wrong……

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 24 Comments

Pokemon

Parenting is usually long spells of embarrassment interspersed with the occasional chance for the parent to shine. In my case very very occasional shines. But when they come, it’s such a sweet smell of awesomeness.

Now in an ideal world the awesomeness is when mum or dad breaks a sporting record, climbs Everest or manages to discover a new chemical element or wins The Great British Bake Off.

But in my case I will gratefully take any win.

Hawklad was doing a Pokemon Quiz on TV and getting every answer correct. Doing better than the contestants on TV. I sat there quietly. Then it was my moment.

A question the contestants were struggling with. A question Hawklad had clearly got wrong. Muppet Dad stepped in….

“I think you will find that is in fact a Poliwhirl as you will notice the direction of the swirl on its tummy. It is reversed in it’s pretty evolution state…..”

Staggeringly Dad was right. Where did that come from. Clearly too many Pokemon shows playing in the background have secretly seeped into my brain through subconscious learning. But for a few glorious moments I basked in the rays of success. All too short lived as in the next minute I had managed to miss my mouth while drinking tomato soup. Basking in manga success doesn’t work so well in a soup covered white T-shirt.

But I will take that….

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 29 Comments

Bread making

A few weeks back I was in the loft trying to find some old papers. In a corner I found the old bread maker neatly packed away in its old box. No papers but I did decide to bake some bread.

So a few days later I bought the gluten free bread ingredients and went back into the loft for the machine. Wow it was heavy. So I opened the box. Pants…..

Ok, no it wasn’t full with pairs of my big pink pants. But no bread making machine. A box full of papers. The papers I was trying to find. My plans had gone a RYE. Homemade bread was now TOAST. What was I thinking about, I’m BUTTER than this. But at YEAST I found those papers.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 44 Comments

Candles

And the storms and power cuts continue. At times it’s felt like going old school. No tech, even limited mobile signal, no TV. It’s been a time for things like Lego, Board Games and Books. Even candles. Why do rooms look so good when all you have to illuminate them are a few small tea candles. I’m amazed that I found them and some matches as well.

It all brought out the inner Bear Grylls in me. Time to light a fire in the garden. Might give the hunting a miss. Maybe just hunt to find a few tins of soup and beans. Maybe brew some tea. Obviously I could have just used matches but no, the Bear was out. Almost felt like I should be putting face camouflage paint on.

Two hours later I was still trying to light the fire. Failed with the friction stick method. No sunlight so magnifying lens not possible -that method is never working in deepest Yorkshire. The flint and steel method was now proving as effective as my diet, useless. But here’s the thing. Madness had truly set in. Outside in the rain desperately trying to produce just one spark to survive. Madness because the power had come back on just under two hours ago….. Hawklad was inside playing on his Xbox and looking out, shaking his head at the nutter outside.

The nutter outside who had let self pride take over …..

And no I didn’t ever get that fire going.

PANTS.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 44 Comments

Masks

I’ve kinda got used to a mask. It’s part of the pre leaving the house checklist.

Find wallet, find keys, find mask. Leave house. Get in car. Get out of car to check front door is locked. Get in car. Get out of car. Check back door is locked. Get in car. Get out of car. Go in house to find mobile and realise my wallet and mask are still on the table next to the front door.

That kinda thing. But the mask is now in there.

It feels sort of normal now to shop in a mask, work in a mask, even get deliveries from someone wearing a mask. But somethings just don’t work. Definitely some things 😂😂😂

Optician appointments. Come on what did you think I would mention. I can testify that eye tests and masks are a big fat ZERO. On every single test my glasses, or the test lenses or the optics just misted up immediately. On every test I ended up having to pull the mask down, demist and restart the test. But at least I remembered to put it back on again.

So that’s my excuse. My excuse for maybe needing stronger reading glasses 😂😂😂😂

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 57 Comments

Beyond me

There are some problems that are beyond the human mind and there are many questions beyond the muppet dad mind. I’m not talking the deep metaphysical stuff. Not talking cosmology. I’m talking about those run of the mill problems.

How to set the timer on the microwave,

Why don’t I put a long sleeve shirt on when pulling up nettles,

Why did I pick Newcastle United to support,

Why do I keep putting clothes into the dishwasher,

Having bought at least 20 tablet pens, why can I never find just one when I need it,

Why do you only get holes in the socks that are still matching pairs,

Why does my mobile phone never hit the ground when it has its protective case on,

Where do all those batteries I buy end up hiding,

Why do I always miss my mouth while drinking hot chocolate and when I’ve got a white shirt on…..

But most perplexing of all to me is what is the best way to get into a beanbag. Remember I have a ‘not what it was’ type of body. Do I lower myself in using the adjacent furniture. Do I roll into it as if I’m a giant sausage roll. Or do I fall into it like a skydiver with a defective parachute. It’s all beyond me. Especially when I’m trying to get into the beanbag while carrying a cup of decaf coffee and an iPad. So far that has priced beyond me. I’ve even tried putting the coffee cup down next to the beanbag before trying to sit down. All that achieved was me kicking it all over the floor in the maelstrom that was my beanbag entry.

It’s all beyond me….

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 54 Comments

Charge

Can’t let Captain Chaos off the lead even here. He only has two modes will out. Head in all directions accept forward and CHARGE….

So Hawklad is busy building Lego sets. All about working on his fine motor skills. For some reason he likes to build these outside on the patio.

So there he was nearly completing an old Lord of the Rings building. All very intricate and delicate. Hours of work and then…..

My sister appearing at the back gate.

Captain Chaos is mad but goes the maddest of mad when there are visitors. Like DCs Flash, he was getting to the gate at near the speed of light. Two options. Go the direct and clear route OR head the longer and Lego blocked way. Only one option for a Lord of Chaos.

Lego everywhere. You wouldn’t believe how far Lego can fly and roll. Days later we are still on a recovery mission.

Oh what fun.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 59 Comments

Challenged

Millions of years of evolution. All that natural selection stuff. Leading to me. This morning it took me 2 hours to work out that I had my top on inside out. It didn’t go on right. It didn’t feel right. It didn’t look right. I was bemused at not being able to find my shirt pockets. I could have sworn this shirt had them……. It still took me two hours.

Here’s the worst thing. It then taken me another two hours to correct the mistake. In fact I’m writing this still sartorially challenged.

It’s either a sign that I’m not likely to see anyone soon or I’m single…..

I will let you make your mind up on that. But with homeschooling there is no uniform requirement. Actually I’ve dressed much worse than this over the last year. Definitely too many fashion crimes. But it really doesn’t matter in the end. Well not until someone sees me.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 47 Comments

Brought down to Earth.

How do you tell when you son has been watching too much The Simpsons. Maybe it was too much of the American version of The Office….

I thought I was at one with nature. Just completing a 50 minute yoga session out. I thought it going well. I felt a definite natural flow to my movements. Maybe just maybe I have finally found my inner Rhythm and goddess mode. Then I heard the icy tones of a teenage son and the moment was blown out of the water.

“Dad there has never been a finer more awesome Dad squeezed into a pair of 56 inch pants…….”

Wow…..

Harsh but fair.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 78 Comments

Bad Pet Care

How difficult can it be to give a mad dog and a big fat boy cat, a worming tablet. The answer is VERY, it took ALL DAY…. In my defence it took the Vet 20 minutes to give the boy cat his last tablet. It goes in, but then comes straight out. The mad dog has an unusual ability to get his tablet stuck in his ear fur. In my defence the Vet also encountered that skill.

Today I tried everything. Putting the tablet in food. In treats. Chucking it down the neck. Seconds later the pesky tablet was back on the floor or stuck in the dogs ear.

Nothing worked until I went for the nuclear option. The dog was eyeing up a pack of donuts on the kitchen table. Well worth a go. So the tablet was rammed in half a donut and unbelievably this time it was swallowed in a nanosecond. Just the cat now. Sadly the donut trick is not going to work for our fat cat. But finally feline success. Hawklad was eating toast and the boy cat was doing his usual trick of trying to eat the butter. Worth a go. Coat the tablet in a dollop of better and within seconds job done.

So Pet tip of the day – have plenty of unhealthy food in the house for administering medication.