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Hot air

It’s early. I should be sleeping but I can’t. The mad dog wants to go outside and have is morning constitutional….. So without bothering to get dressed I dragged myself out into the chilly garden. Don’t laugh but the dog won’t do what dogs need to do without having someone stood next to him. So I stood bear footed on the damp lawn, looked the other way and whistled.

That’s when I noticed the hot air balloon. Right over the top of me. The balloonists got to see what I wear in bed….. Sorry about that.

By the time the dog

had finished. By the time I ran inside to get my phone, the balloon had moved on a bit.

Well that was a different start to the day.

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Cows

Captain Chaos has his friends back. Every summer they return to the field behind our house. Yes summer…….

It’s the same ritual. This off the Cap plays it cool. Even when the cows lean over the garden fence. He ignores them. Plays it hard to get get. But after a couple of days it all changes. Suddenly he stops being coy. Then it’s time to get close and personal with his buddies.

Ok in weather terms, summer hasn’t arrived. But in terms of a mad dog, it’s definitely summer.

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Space

If only life was always this open and uncluttered…..

I was unfortunately wading my way through a mound of work emails when I could have been getting on with being a parent. Suddenly the world here looks like it’s caught up in a crazy stampede to open up again. I work in the events and sporting field. A pandemic is not conducive to full diary. For over a year our little companies order book has been as empty as a Yorkshire mans wallet after he sees a sale at the ‘Everything for a Pound’ store. But suddenly it’s gone mad. So much is now being planned, all without any formal regard for social distancing. All based on the assumption that the pandemic is over, everything is fine. I just think that we are still teetering on a knife edge. If we are not careful now then a lot of people are going to be at best disappointed, at worst, very ill. Will these events actually happen?

Anyway I was wading through the work emails. Wading is the right expression. If people just stick to the point then it would be so much quicker. But no. Let’s talk about what meal they had out last night. Let’s talk about the night at the pub. Squeezed somewhere in that social stuff will be the work bit.

Wow have I become The GRINCH ……

As I was wading through those emails a thought struck me. Wish I’d become something like an Astronaut rather than an Accountant…. I bet the Astronaut wouldn’t have to read about the stuff I’m suffering here. Having said that I bet you can probably get work emails in space now.

No one can hear you scream in space was the old horror movie line. Now it’s become ‘no one can hear you scream at your email inbox in space’.

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Who you looking at

I so remember this beautiful falcon. Happily settled on Hawklad’s glove. Calm and a definite trusting look in her eyes as she stared into Hawklad’s eyes. What was striking was the difference in the look she gave me. Think much less calm and at ease. Think much more, ‘you do know I am a bird of prey’……. The look this wonderful falcon gave me clearly had an underlying message. But what was it. Maybe……

That’s one ugly chubby pigeon, how on earth is that thing going to fly.

Or maybe it was

That’s some kill. That will feed me and my family for about 100 years. But how on earth am I going to carry it. Might need to hire a troop carrying helicopter…..

Oh that look. Ok it’s telling me that I’m moving down the food chain league table but it’s utterly mesmerising. It’s exhilarating. It’s what life should be about. Memorable……

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I want a

Hawklad was trying to do some French school work. I’m not that much use, especially when I’m tired. So when it came to translations I secretly backed up my limited expertise with some discreet finger work. Can I use Google Translator to make me look awesome. All going well. With the iPhone hidden on my lap, I amazed Hawklad with my almost perfect knowledge and interpretation of French phrases.

Then it all went a bit mental.

All over a simple looking translation. I had covertly typed into Google what appeared to be an innocent phrase….

Je veux un bain

Clearly it was ‘I want a …..”. I think it was BATH. Problem was that I misspelt the last word. Easily done on a small screen and when you are trying to hide exactly what you are typing.

Je veux un baise

So I was a little taken back by the translation.

I want a f##k

Sorry….. You what…..Double take…..Until I spotted the typing mistake my parenting world had become very confusing and just a little unsettling. I definitely aged several years. See parenting is bad for you.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 82 Comments

Sod’s law again….

In all of scientific practice the law which is the most robust, the nose watertight, the most constant is SOD’S LAW. Some scientists call it Murphy’s Law. Basically if something can go wrong, it will go wrong at the worst time and worst way.

Today that law has been repeatedly confirmed here during carefully conducted scientific experiments.

I dropped my toast and it landed butter side down, picking up just enough pet hairs to render it even inedible for me….

I found two unopened letters which had dropped behind my desk. One was a Bill and one was a small cheque refund. Which letter ended up being the one that had clearly sat unopened and forgotten about the longest. Yes the cheque. So long that it was now out of date. Confirmed by the bank, if I had found it yesterday then it would still have been in date. It became out of date midnight last night…..

The power went off earlier today. Just when I was doing something really important to me. It didn’t go off when I was say hoovering or unfortunately when U2 was playing on the radio….

I went to make an omelet for lunch. In the fridge I found two boxes of eggs. One stuck at the back and well over a month past to best before date. The other the new box. I carried both egg boxes, one scheduled for the bin and the other for the frying pan. I tripped over the cat and dropped both boxes. One opened and smashed all the eggs. The other stayed shut and the eggs survived. And yes only the fresh eggs smashed…

So there you have it scientific proof the Sods Law is real…..

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May the 4th be with you

May the force be with you. May the fourth be with you.

I noticed the significance of the date just a few minutes before it was the 5th May. Clearly the FORCE is not strong in me. Maybe I would fall into the third Star Wars category. Not good enough to be a Jedi or a Sith, so I would be in the third class of characters. Only good enough to be ‘canon fodder’.

For what it’s worth I just had enough time to see what the online Star Wars name generators would come up with for me. Last year I think I was Hans Up….. This year apparently I am HOR VADER. The mind boggles….

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 34 Comments

Bank Holiday

A British bank holiday and its chucked it down. This is not today. This is today….

Not really perfect outdoor table tennis conditions.

We played footy in the garden, in the rain. Great fun. Then I noticed something. Maybe it’s the effects getting older. Hawklad took a shot heading towards the top corner of our goal. A cat like goalkeeper launched himself to tip the ball over the bar. I landed. And wow did I land …. Gravity was definitely working well. It didn’t hurt but here’s the thing. Years ago as a goalkeeper I never dented the ground on any of my dives. Today I did. A huge indent in the lawn. Think ‘The Great Rift Valley’. Maybe I should stick to table tennis.😂😂😂😂

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Going round the bend

As part of the long process of helping Hawklad building bridges back to the wider world, we ventured out in the car. Further this time. In to the city. To get a take out burger.

All went well until we hit the city. More car, more people. Even though he was in the safety of the car he was on edge but willing to push on.

Finally we arrived at the burger place. You will know the one. It’s got some whopper burgers. The plan was Hawklad to stay in the car while I ventured out to get the takeout. As soon as I left the car Hawklad panicked. So plan B. The drive through. I’ve never tried one of those but they seem super cool in the movies.

We joined the queue of cars and and snaked our way towards the intercom. With excitement we finally made it to the marked intercom bay.

I started to patiently wait for the helpful voice.

“Dad what are you waiting for.”

I’m waiting for the person to speak to me,

“Dad you don’t wait you just say the order out. Come on Dad the cars behind will start to get annoyed”

####Pants so I blurted out the order. NOTHING. Is that it. Do I drive off now####

“Dad they didn’t hear you, shout the order louder”

#### So I did, really loud this time. This time Hawklad got the giggles####

“Dad you are a muppet”

####And suddenly the intercom whirled into life – ‘afternoon can I take your order’.####

I’m definitely going round the bend.