Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 41 Comments

Memories

Loss is different for everyone, whatever the reason behind the life story. Each loss is unique.

It’s now approaching 5 years for me. The journey continues. Things change. Sometimes suddenly, other times gradually.

Memories.

One of the biggest changes over that time has been with my attitude towards memories. When 2016 hit I truly realised their importance. Time can be short so it’s important that you create as many memories as you can. But here’s the thing, my mindset was that was for me there would be no new personal memories. Yes there would be new ones but they would be about Hawklad, not stuff I had done. For me that was it….

That’s changed now.

Time is still a limited resource and memories are still important. But it can’t be just about looking back. It is definitely OK to create new memories. That shows that life is not just about survival. It’s about LIVING, even after loss. So yes I want to create new memories. AND there is no reason that the NEW ones can’t be just as good or even better than the old ones.

You just never know. All you can do. All I can do is give LIFE a CHANCE.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 37 Comments

Views

Endless views or no view….

A school email exchange with a teacher kinda went this way yesterday.

Have you started the exam.

No I’ve not seen the paper yet.

Do you understand what your doing…..

No I’ve not seen the paper.

The instructions where clearly set out in the previous lessons.

***************************

After an hour of looking we finally found an oblique reference to a question. Well hidden. One of those – it was clearly set out in section 635, clause 9, subsection B.

As clear as mud and so hard to find. Pupils and Parents don’t have hours available in the daily schedule to pour over every single document. Every single page. Every single well hidden file.

Did Hawklad answer the right question. In the right format. In the right way….. still no idea.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 42 Comments

Walking

Everyday we go for a walk. Each day a little further. When we get the chance edging a little closer to people. It’s all part of our attempt to build up Hawklad’s confidence in the wider world again. Help overcome his social fears and phobias. Allow him to build bridges into the world again, when he is ready.

We are nowhere near entering crowds and busy public places yet. That will come in time. Next stage will be walking into a shop or supermarket. Then when he’s ready going for an ice cream and cake in a cafe. Then maybe school. I’ve already spoken to school about allowing him to work round the school after the school day has finished. But that’s for another day.

So we did a walk. A local walk. Maybe it’s the impact of over a years worth of lockdown but many local places are looking epic . When everything settles down I’m certainly going to appreciate more what I have on our doorstep.

Take for example yesterday’s walk. A circular 2 mile walk from our house. Tell me why it’s taken all these years to do this……

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 46 Comments

Seeds

Nothing better than blowing a few Dandelion Seeds about in the air. Normally you get one or two to play with. But occasionally it becomes an epic undertaking….

I’d rather spend my time working my way through this seed patch than deal with work emails. Why are so many of our fellow souls just so confrontational, self absorbed and difficult. Talk about opinionated and judgemental. So quick to pick fault with others. So quick to tell you exactly what they think of someone. I don’t mind it when people are praising or supporting others but mostly it’s so negative. All based on such limited understanding or awareness of the actual facts…..

For some reason I keep dreaming about an isolated tropical island……

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Exam

Another fine Yorkshire road. I’m trying to work out if it’s 8 or 10 lanes….

So the week off from school is over. It’s back to early alarm calls. Not looking forward to them. Not exactly feeling rested or renewed. Just feeling worn down. In need of a break. Oh hang on I’ve just had one of those 😂😂😂😂😂

So the morning has started with year end exam. No warning. An email was sent a few minutes before the exam started for the class. Don’t have a problem with that. You have to protect exam questions. It’s the lack of warning. It’s that looking at the questions and realising that large parts of paper have not been covered for Hawklad. It’s expecting that we would try keyboard entry for exams but this has been sent in a format that can only be handwritten

Happy days…..

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 43 Comments

Summer sleep

Saturday arrives and the Yorkshire summer is still trying to hold on. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fantastic to feel warm but….. I don’t sleep well these days at the best of times. To have a chance I need to be snuggled under a warm duvet, not lying on top of the covers feeling uncomfortably warm. So the warmth has made sleep even less likely. I’m now getting use to operating through the day with two hours sleep at most. Weeks upon weeks on that. That’s not ideal, it’s not healthy but that’s how it is.

The brain so easily just boots up in auto pilot mode. The body is awake, the brain less so.

It’s Saturday, so I start the day with a yoga session. And thats what I remember doing. So why then after about 15 minutes do I suddenly realise yoga isn’t about throwing a kettlebell about. I can’t even remember taking the kettlebells outside with me. Maybe it was sleep kettlebelling….. Still could be worse. At least I was clothed. At least it was my garden I was in. At least I hadn’t just fallen asleep on the yoga mat.

The worry is that the home at school project restarts on Monday for another 7 week block. The return of the early morning alarms calls are not going to help the sleep.

But on the bright side I have not resorted to early hours QVC or pointless reality TV watching. I am using the extra hours awake to focus on what is truly important to me. That’s why I can still do this. That’s why I might be tired but I’m smiling this Saturday Summers day in Yorkshire.

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Faceless

The old village church in the evening sun.

It’s a simple church dating back from the 10th century. The Font and an Effigy date back from the 13th century. The small graveyard shows the age more starkly with many of the gravestones now completely weathered by the Yorkshire wind and rain. Faceless.

Today as I wandered along the village street to post a letter I felt faceless. When I first moved here I knew many in the village. A number of good friends. But slowly those that knew me have thinned out. Left. Passed away. To the point where this morning I walked in a beautiful but alien village. I know hardly anyone here now. That has been amplified during a pandemic. I hope that as things open up just maybe I can start to feel part of the community again. It won’t be easy.

I suspect I’m not the only one facing this new challenge.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 46 Comments

Almost Summer

Whisper it. It almost feels like summer here in Yorkshire. Warm, dry, traffic jams, the shops are sold out of strawberries and watermelons. Yep it must be summer here.

So next steps….

This morning Hawklad mentioned that he is now aiming to return to school at the start of September. If he can’t go back then he will go for full homeschooling.

Today in the summer sun we tried a day time walk. The first day time walk for Hawklad in over a year. A carefully selected walk. Quiet. Rarely visited. Across farm land. It was a success. An hour walk completed. Ok not another human encountered but it is another step forward.

So we have less than 3 months to see if we can build Hawklad from deserted walks to being crammed in a classroom with 30 plus other students and teachers. That’s a tough ask. So little time to take so many steps forward.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 47 Comments

Brought down to Earth.

How do you tell when you son has been watching too much The Simpsons. Maybe it was too much of the American version of The Office….

I thought I was at one with nature. Just completing a 50 minute yoga session out. I thought it going well. I felt a definite natural flow to my movements. Maybe just maybe I have finally found my inner Rhythm and goddess mode. Then I heard the icy tones of a teenage son and the moment was blown out of the water.

“Dad there has never been a finer more awesome Dad squeezed into a pair of 56 inch pants…….”

Wow…..

Harsh but fair.