This week I booked the Christmas food delivery from the local supermarket. It’s arriving on the 23rd December, that’s over THREE MONTHS away…. For years I was the supreme last minute panic shopper, now I’m living the dream as Mr Forward Planning.
I’m on a roll now.
Time to book a Christmas trip out. Tickets pre booked for the Pantomime at the local theatre.
I could get used to this. Maybe I can start buying presents, booking family visits. I could start writing Christmas Cards…..
BUT you can never take the MUPPET out of my personality. Muppets don’t forward plan, they just move cockups into the future. I’ve just realised that I’ve double booked my two Christmas bookings. Food coming at exactly the same time as the Pantomime will be starting…..
I’ve started messing Christmas up and it’s only early October. Marvellous…….
There comes a stage when our kids start to develop superpowers as a direct result of trying to live with their strange and ancient parents. It’s the power of second guessing, otherwise known as the power to interpret muppet parents. Maybe it’s the result of too many sleepless nights, too many family crises, too many additions to the ‘to do list’. Maybe it’s not enough caffeine, too much mind numbing tv but often parents function with only 90% of the words they know, the other 10% is either randomly lost or corrupted. The end result is we often don’t make sense and yet our kids can somehow make sense of the rubbish that sometimes comes out of our mouths.
Example one of those superpower from our house…
Asking Hawklad what he wanted for tea… “do you want thingy and chips”. Seamlessly he replies “yes I’ll have an omelette but maybe with vegetables…”
Example two of the superpower….
Asking Hawklad “have you seen the erm, you know”. Without taking his eyes of his book, he points to the sofa, “the remote control is there”…
Example three….
In the car, we were talking history and Hawklad mentioned Theodore Roosevelt. His muppet dad immediately butted in with his Einstein like intellect….
“Theodore, wasn’t he one of the hamsters in that tv thing…”
Almost without blinking Hawklad replied
“You mean Chipmunk…. Theodore from Alvin and the Chipmunks..”
I was surprisingly close, Theodore was a rodent. As we don’t get chipmunks here, maybe we need a British version of that show. Harry and the Hamsters. Rather than singing pop songs badly, The Hamsters could recite Shakespeare really badly with annoying high pitch voices.
Example four….
“Erm, you had a {…. mumbling as I fight with the vacuum cleaner, …}, erm Whatsaface {…. more mumbling as I’m distracted by the vacuum cleaner bag emptying its contents onto the floor…}, don’t forget”
Hawklad somehow understood what I was trying to say and he went to phone a friend who had called him earlier….
BUT here is the thing, it’s a selective superpower that our children wield. The power seems to fail if the parent starts talking homework, housework or personal grooming…….
Talking about talent, I could really do with even just a little bit of that stuff. I was taking the Mad Dog for his walk or more accurately HE was pulling me along for afternoon walk and deep shoulder workout, when a delivery truck pulled up. It was my niece and we had a lovely chat while she got excitedly bounced on by Captain Chaos.
My niece, now covered in dog hair (it’s a sign of affection really) eventually had to head off to make her next grocery delivery. So it was back to being remorselessly pulled while listening to a podcast on my iPhone headphones. But disaster, NO SOUND. Nothing. I stood there for ages messing about with settings, rebooting and generally shouting at the tech.
Then a brief and rare moment of clarity in which the secrets of life and the universe are revealed.
No wonder you can’t hear anything from the iPhone while you still have the earphones shoved deep into your trouser pocket…. What an absolute wazzock, that’s even beyond muppetry.
iPhone should cater for the permanently lost like me and start to make a range of THIGH or HIPphones. Or maybe have the iPhone give the user a short electric shock to warn users that they have started to become completely delusional and falsely claim that technology is in full scale rebellion. Or just maybe a friendly text message reminding the useless user that ‘bizarrely earphones are designed to work best when placed next to the ear, and definitely not in a location around the groinal region….”
Know that feeling when someone asks you to do something way beyond your abilities… think me and hairdressing, think me and parenting,mainly me with scissors (or to be more precise, dog sheers – don’t tell Hawklad).
Well that was me last week.
I’m not very good with anything which has an engine, four wheels and a steering wheel. I can drive them just don’t ask me how they work, might as well get me to explain why Avatar is anything other than a monumental CGI bore fest. So what were WORK they thinking about when they got their numbers guy to get the three work vans fixed. I nodded vaguely as the various technical gremlins were explained. They had lost me almost immediately at ‘the bonnet release is in the passenger side footwell’. After five minutes of explanation all I could manage was
So basically those three big white things are poorly.
A few hours later I found myself at the Garage Reception with one big WHITE THING badly parked outside, I’m not a natural white van driver. I had memorised the many things making this particular van POORLY. Here goes, time to try to explain the faults to the Garage Owner.
Why was he looking like I was speaking in a foreign language confirmed when he said ‘YOU WHAT’. I started again then realised, I WAS IN FACT SPEAKING A FOREIGN LANGUAGE. The night before I had been going through my German Course and it had been rather aptly been a module called ‘CARS and key parts’. Staggeringly this muppet had tried to explain van faults in a combination of English, Yorkshire and GERMAN. Clearly this particular Garage Owner had no idea what ‘AUSPUFF’, ‘AUTOBREMSEN’ and ‘REIFEN’ meant.
At least that part of the course had sunk in with me.
Anyway I tried to tell the bemused chap about my German Course and why I clearly sounded like I was a completely crazed crackpot. I’m not sure he was that impressed.
“Not much call for German round here lad, we’ll unless you are on your holidays to the beach in somewhere like MADRID. Personally give me Scarborough….”
So much I could have said to that on the geographic location of Spain’s Capital vis-à-vis the distant coast and even more distant Germany, but wisely I bit my lip.
Part Two to follow when we throw in to the mix, sports car envy and a million year old coffee vending machine that fights back TERMINATOR style….
I was just a few steps away from this sea of purple. It’s was warm, yes Yorkshire can do that sometimes. Deep Blue Skies, rare but yes it can happen even here. So I decided to do the morning yoga (yep I’ve gone full on hippy) under the shade of the apple tree. I found a small patch of grass which hadn’t been dug up by our active tunnelling Mr Mole and off I went twisting, bending and groaning.
A few moments later the helpful yoga instructor blasting out of the iPhone encouraged everyone to undertake a form of torture. Wrapping one leg around an arm, doing the same on with the other leg and then balancing on what limbs remained still free to move. I might have misheard her….. Anyways it wasn’t a pretty site. I felt like an iPhone which had just been permanently bent out of shape. Funnily enough we have a story on that one to come…. I thought yoga was supposed to be relaxing, this is just brutal.
Is yoga out to get me….
Yes it is….
A few hours later we were walking the mad dog down one of the narrow village lanes when a car headed our way. Hawklad went one way and I headed towards the other fence. I recognised the driver and waved. Unfortunatelyat the very same moment I stepped in a rabbit hole and suddenly entered into an out of control stumble, culminating in me trying to fall nose first over the fence. I clearly gave the driver a really good giggle. And here’s the thing. The driver is a yoga instructor. I’m clearly on the yoga naughty list.
The snow has gone but it’s still cold. It’s rush hour again here…..
In the Black Friday sales I bought a bread maker. I had just been looking for a couple of new loaf tins. It was a rush of blood. Thankfully a much cheaper rush of blood than it could have been. So far so good. Much easier and much much easier. Almost fool proof…….
It’s been a tired day today. Hawklad is tired of school, I’m just tired today. Shall I show you just how tired, tired is. I present to you Exhibit A. It’s a delicious and wholesome traditional French herbal loaf…..
That’s what a traditional loaf looks like when you don’t add any WATER. As the faint sweet slightly burnt smell filled the house my brain pondered what that could mean. My bread never messes up these days, certainly not with my bullet proof machine. Maybe it just means a slightly more crusty loaf. Maybe it’s just the herbs infusing the dough. At no stage did the tired brain think ‘Huston we might have a problem here…..’. At no stage did the brain encourage this Muppet to get up and check upon the baking disaster unfolding in the bread maker……
An early finish to the school day. A big advantage of the school at home project. Usually if a teacher forgets to issue work then we chase it up. Not this day. If the teacher forgets (and they did) let’s not remind them. Let’s see if they notice (and they didn’t).
An early finish means time for a long walk. I so wish Hawklad could use the time to meet up with friends. But as he is stuck with his gnarly Muppet Dad then the next best thing is a walk. Hawklad’s idea.
A walk from our house which we had never fully done before. 15km and we never saw another soul. Perfect for Hawklad.
Definitely beats school and school never missed him.
A path frequented by farmers, dog walkers and intrepid Muppet Dads. A path that doesn’t seem to lead anywhere in particular. Meandering around hedgerows and the occasional isolated tree. One of those locations that you can so easily get lost. Definitely a great place to lose yourself. One day it might even be a cool place to find myself.
It’s been one of those days with too much thinking time. Plenty of thinking yet no real insight. No new paths opening up while managing to add more roadblocks to existing roads ahead. It’s been one of those days. Feeling like it’s one step forward, two back and a few too many sideways. That feeling isn’t much fun sat in the house.
But on a path across the hills, it just means more walking is required….
You know summer has gone when you return from an evening mad dog walk and you opt for a hot chocolate rather than a cold drink. Tonight was back to back drinks, that’s proper chilly.
“Dad we should go for a really long walk. Take Captain Chaos with us.”
That’s a big call for Hawklad. That might mean lots of gates to navigate without touching, increases the risk of meeting others. Needs to be carefully mapped out and planned. So maybe we could try to walk a bit further on the evening walk. It’s definitely quiet and I know exactly where the gates are.
Maybe he is thinking about building bridges. Getting use to being out in the big bad world again.
“No Dad we need to go much further but definitely when it’s quiet. It’s nothing to do with meeting people again.”
Ok then we might need to get up at dawn. Does he want to go anywhere in particular.
Apparently not. He just wants a long walk. Maybe it’s just a fitness thing. Maybe he thinks the four legged one needs more exercise.
Apparently not as well. So why does he want the long walk. Actually he wants his longest ever walk.
“It’s really about you Dad”
Oh I never saw that coming. Is he thinking I need to get out more. Maybe start hill walking again.
“No Dad. I was thinking this afternoon about my longest ever. Do you remember it. You took me when I had just started school for a short walk on the army land. You got lost and didn’t bother bringing a map because you didn’t need one. 5 hours later we got back to the car. Do you remember it rained and I didn’t have my coat as you said that I didn’t need one. We didn’t have any food or water. At one stage a soldier told us get back on the path”
Oh yes I remember that….
“I was thinking that my longest ever walk should have a purpose and not just be about my Dad being a muppet.”
There is nothing like a good breakfast to kick start the day. Especially when it’s been another largely sleepless night. Today it was going to be cornflakes and flaxseed with a thick topping of fruit. No fresh fruit was available this week from the store so I opted for tinned fruit. Tropical Fruit Salad in juice. That will do nicely.
The reality was somewhat different.
As I poured the fruit over my cereal my brain tried to reboot from its reduced power standby mode. This doesn’t look right. Then the penny finally dropped just after tin was emptied. . Why was I tipping tinned baby carrots over my cornflakes.
Waste not want not. Wow that’s a taste sensation. 🥺🥺🥺🥺
A Dad trying to cope with the loss of his Partner and becoming a single parent. 