A path frequented by farmers, dog walkers and intrepid Muppet Dads. A path that doesn’t seem to lead anywhere in particular. Meandering around hedgerows and the occasional isolated tree. One of those locations that you can so easily get lost. Definitely a great place to lose yourself. One day it might even be a cool place to find myself.
It’s been one of those days with too much thinking time. Plenty of thinking yet no real insight. No new paths opening up while managing to add more roadblocks to existing roads ahead. It’s been one of those days. Feeling like it’s one step forward, two back and a few too many sideways. That feeling isn’t much fun sat in the house.
But on a path across the hills, it just means more walking is required….
Back in summer Hawklad asked if he could have something to aim for this year. Something fun. Anything other than a potential return to the classroom. So we agreed to take a punt on some concert tickets for December. Back in July, December seemed a long term goal. Now with weeks to go, it’s unremittingly approaching with pace….
There is still time but that concert still seems like a mighty step too far. He is still struggling. Still struggles to touch alien surfaces. Close contact with people is wracked with anxieties. He still can’t venture into shops, even for just a few moments. Inside with a thousand other people, very hemmed in, doesn’t seem practical or achievable yet.
But we always live in hope.
Tomorrow is a new day, yes it is (sorry borrowed that line from WWE wrestling….)
But we are lucky. We still have the open spaces of the Yorkshire countryside. We still have a quiet garden. Today we took our mind of that fast approaching target by thinking about a musical challenge we have seen others do online. So here goes Hawklad’s take on the questions.
First Concert – Hollywood Vampires (Johnny Depp, Alice Cooper, Joe Perry), The Darkness, The Dammed
Last Concert – The Darkness
Best Concert – Iron Maiden
Worst Concert – some bloke painting pictures on stage before Kiss…..
Loudest Concert – Kiss
Seen the most – Alice Cooper, The Darkness
Most surprising concert – Lynyrd Skynyrd
Next concert – The Darkness ???????
Wish I had seen them – David Bowie during the Ziggy Days
Top of wish list (can still see them) – Journey
Hawklad got two positive things from me. His eyelashes and his taste in music…..Ok time for his Gnarly Old Dad to have a go…..
First Concert – Whitesnake, Samson
Last Concert – The Darkness
Best Concert – can’t choose Tin Machine (David Bowie), Whitesnake (City Hall, Newcastle), Iron Maiden, Rory Gallagher, Pink Floyd, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Scorpions (supporting Deep Purple at Knebworth)
Worst Concert – Meatloaf with a broken leg, that bad he got bottled off stage. To be fair seen him twice more and he was really good.
Loudest Concert – Motörhead
Seen the most – Whitesnake
Most surprising concert – Tina Turner…. Ok that’s a big bad fib…. I took Hawklad’s Mum to see Ronan Keating (twice), whisper it, he was not bad at all.
Next Concert – The Darkness ???????
Wish I had seen them – Led Zeppelin or Leonard Cohen
It’s been one of those pushing up hill days. School doing as little as possible. A flu jab that ended up being a magical mystery tour around an NHS property – the signs had blown over in a wind storm and countless potential jab recipients were walking aimlessly around a vast site like a scene from ‘Night of the Zombies’ or ‘The Teletubbies’. Then news that Hawklad’s mental health support is getting reduced again. Was supposed to be a couple of yours every week. Then it was reduced to 45 minutes every two weeks. Soon it’s going to 45 minutes every month. Just not enough resources to meet rising mental health needs amongst our young. It’s all about government priorities. Well at least he’s still getting some help, that’s something.
Finally time to relax a bit. Hawklad was watching an Adam Sandler buddy movie. He does make Hawklad laugh a lot. I watch bits of it as I caught up with some housework. Funny how housework doesn’t ever sort itself out.
The movie was all about a group of childhood friends meeting up now they were middle aged. I must admit it got me wistfully thinking about how life has worked out over the last few years. Single parenting, living out in the sticks, a pandemic…. All are the equivalent of the FRIENDSHIP Hulk Buster Suit. Seeing friends has been officially been BUSTED. In over 5 years I’ve had one meet-up with a friend which lasted 2 hours at a so called football match. What I would give now for a few of those Adam Sandler type friend meet-ups. Just his much I would give for just 30 minutes with my best friend. Sadly I bet I’m not the only one feeling this way. These are isolating times.
A late afternoon wood walk. School done for the day. We both feel done in. For Hawklad it was unremittingly boring waiting for stuff from school and when the work came it was uninspiring. For me it just feels more and more as if the school system is giving up on Hawklad. More pushing up hill for less and less.
So a wood walk was much needed.
Really beautiful and quiet. Until….
Suddenly out of nowhere, what sounded like a really really big military jet. In the UK, if you have ever stood under one of those old Vulcan Bombers, something like that. The sound quickly got even deeper than a sudden huge bang. Almost felt like the trees shuck and ground shook. Then silence again.
Tonight lead story from the local city paper. The Press.
Definitely a sonic boom. We blamed it on either RAF or US military planes that fly from the local base. But here’s the ironically funny thing. Unconfirmed reports talk of THE SWISS airforce being to blame. They occasionally fly planes from the local base and two of their jets where seen in the skies just before the bang. Of all the countries in the world you would associate being spooked by, Switzerland would not feature on anyone’s list.
At least the extreme noise took our mind off school…
That’s one hardy leaf. Some would say ‘mad’. Coming out now, just before the Yorkshire winter commences. When all it’s buddies will give it another 5 months or so….
Or is that Mr Lazy Leaf. “Sorry chaps, I think I overslept, oh pants did I miss summer. Big pants, missed Autumn as well……. Anyone got a hot water bottle and a warm blanket.”
Must admit I kinda feel like that most days. Kinda feeling out of synch with life. Not been in synch for years. I’ve heard this from quite a few people who have gone through LOSS. Your time slows down (even feels like it stops) while the world keeps spinning without missing a single heartbeat. Initially I found that hard to deal with. If my world has stopped why hasn’t the world stopped, actually does it even know what’s happened.
Over time I realised that life has to keep going. Why should the world stop for one person. But even now that feeling of being out of synch still won’t go away. Maybe the more I live, the more baggage I shed then maybe, just maybe, I will start to find that synch again with the big bad world.
So yes I feel like that little green leaf is a kindred spirit.
A local government politician talking about how the covid war has been won by our brave leaders. Is it won….. When your family gets really sick with covid do you run to the brave leaders for help or to the doctors and nurses. Doctors and nurses who are now being made out to be a problem by our brave leaders.
So if the war is won then why is it that an email incorrectly formatted from a teacher revealed that 7 of the class are currently off school with that vanquished virus. Stopping schools tell parents about covid outbreaks in the classrooms are part of the war strategy which the government is employing. If it’s won then why did I get a group email from some friends with children at Hawklad’s school. An email telling people that both children are now ill with covid.
I think that local politician is either after a knighthood or is a blithering WAZZOCK…… OR Both. Wazzock is a local expression. It’s kind of a term of endearment 😳😳😳😂😂😂 But just in case best not use it next time you speak to your boss or teacher….
A brief bit of sun to lift the spirits of a tree that still stands proud after many years of weather beatings. Stood on an exposed hilltop with nothing between it and the prevailing weather systems heading across from the Atlantic. Countless storms, damaging winds and more than two direct lightning strikes.
When I need a lift, I look across the fields to this friend and it is a friend. A constant reminder of resilience. But also so much more. A reminder of what life can still mean, of beautiful dreams and new memories to be made.
A moody start to the day. Kinda sums up the school week so far. The occasional glimpse of light, a bit of hope. But mainly grey, misty with a distinct whiff of approaching stormy weather…… Best highlighted by a review test sent today covering areas that poor Hawklad had never seen before. So if it’s a review then what did the teacher base that on.
What else has Hawklad been missing out on…..
I keep hearing that companies like Amazon are getting really smart at identifying potential new selling areas. Tailoring them to the individual. Using email and search contents to drill down on what the likes of me would like to spend my money on. To target me. That being the case then why am I getting bombarded by adverts about Scuba Diving Kit. I don’t believe I’ve ever searched the subject. Never trawled through Amazon for it. Never discussed it in an email. I CANT EVEN SWIM…… I guess a diving suit might be just what I need if I go out for a night on the town. Definitely Eye catching. In fact the oxygen task and snorkel mask is also very pandemic practical. Ok actually I might give those marketing emails more a more detailed perusal…..
Soon the autumnal colours will be gone for another year. Time to batten down the hatches for winter. But there is still just about time to get out there, be a part of one of nature’s great shows.
It is a wonderful world, so many adventures still to be had.
But here’s the crazy thing. Why if it’s such a wonderful world, with endless possibilities, have I found so many excuses in the PAST to stay INSIDE so often.
A Sunday in a very quiet part of Yorkshire. A good place to think.
It’s now over 5 years since I became a widow. Where did those 5 years go. Some days it feels like a lifetime, then there are times when it only seems like yesterday. Whatever it feels like, a lot has changed over those years. I’m a changed person with a changed outlook on life (and death). There were times when I thought that was it, life was over. It was just a matter of survival. But I made it through those times and I’m ready to start experiencing what this world has to offer again. I am dreaming again. Different dreams and whisper it, bigger dreams. Maybe that’s a surprising thought. Grief has taught me how to better LIVE. Looking back, to the run up to my partner dying, my priorities were far too often skewed. Maybe I was just surviving. Taking life for granted. Going through the motions. Not looking for adventures. Already personally hemmed in, struggling. Then everything changed within two weeks. Suddenly life’s safety net was removed. I was a single parent with the established script ripped up. I didn’t realise it but I suddenly had to face up to life. Over those 5 years I had to make changes, reappraise everything. Finally decide what was truly important to me.
So as I stood looking across that peaceful graveyard I could see something which I had missed. Grief was about coming to terms with loss, coming to terms with regrets, trying to be the best parent I could be to a young child who needed me AND a process of coming back to life again.
A Dad trying to cope with the loss of his Partner and becoming a single parent. 