That pesky grief monster sneaking up on innocent folks again. Should be a law about that. On sorry I forgot our Government ceased being a viable legislative body two years ago. Still we can look forward to Johnson or Hunt now. OMG. One is a self serving buffoon who dresses up outrageous racist comments as free direct speech. A man whose middle name should be dishonesty. The other is a man who forgot which country his wife was born in (supposed to be our Foreign Secretary) and who wilfully wrecked our NHS.

So no help coming from the Government any time soon then.

I was having a 50 minute walk – can’t believe how much I miss my runs. Tired but been worse. Then out from a side path a couple emerged. Holding hands and clearly so in love. Suddenly waves of grief and remorse smash me into the ground.

That was us a few years ago…

We should be still holding hands today…

Those days have gone…

Suddenly I feel very tired, very old and very broken.

It wasn’t supposed to turn out like this.

An hour later I’m back at work but basically I’m going through the motions. My heart is trapped in a different year. It’s unlikely that it will be released. I feel soulless, yes that’s the word, SOULLESS. Just an empty shell. Just focus on that one job – give our son the best childhood possible. That gives me a purpose. Something to keep me going.

87 thoughts on “Soulless

  1. I’m sorry for your loss. I know that probably sounds hollow but I can imagine how profound it feels. As my husband is battling an aggressive cancer with a “guarded” prognosis, I’ve been thinking about these things a lot. I’m wishing you peace and admire your commitment to your son.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. My heart goes out to you. Words seem less than useless. Still, I want you to know that from across the pond I am sitting here sending up a prayer for you. Sending virtual hugs. I am so very sorry for the pain you are going through. It’s been my experience that grief is like a sinkhole – you never know when it will appear, nor how deep you may fall. Hang on, just hang on.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. My heart goes out to you. Words seem less than useless. Still, I want you to know that from across the pond I am sitting here sending up a prayer for you. Sending virtual hugs. I am so very sorry for the pain you are going through. It’s been my experience that grief is like a sinkhole – you never know when it will appear, nor how deep you may fall. Hang on, just hang on.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. In one of the books I just read (Counting by 7s) there is this quote – ““For someone grieving, moving forward is the challenge. Because after extreme loss, you want to go back.”” I can’t imagine how hard it is to try and continuing to take forward steps. Thinking of you.

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      1. Exactly I have said it before but I admire you so much, you are so intelligent and kind and switched on and there for your son and what is more doing it all alone. I felt for you so much seeing the couple. I know that ache but the difference is you have known that love whereas I haven’t so its harder in some ways. I really get it. I hope you get some tenderness from someone close.. xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

  5. You know, maybe this is a sod it gin day. Greif is a bastard so it is. Goes away. Comes back. Bites worse. It’s like the tunnel end gets moved, just when you’re thinking there’s awe bit light.. And truly, this bloody shocking situ in this country right now would depress anyone, never mind someone in the tunnel. It’s beyond belief. xxxx

    Liked by 4 people

      1. It’s beyond belief. Where the pieces will land??? Well, I still believe there’s too much good in the world overall but I’ve never seen the likes. Hope you’re ok. I know you have surfaced from where you were earlier to don the comment reply head xxxxx

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  6. You get it! Find the reason to get out of bed in the morning, to keep striving, to climb out of that ‘Pit’. You know what you need to do, however hard it seems to be at times, as if the World is plotting against you. Do it for him.

    Of course, i’d like to think there was someone else you could believe was worth doing similar things for – that chap who looks back at you in the mirror each day, the one with Mr Crimble clinging on to his face… he seems to be a really decent bloke who could do with someone in his corner, helping him get back on his feet after a low blow.

    Do a bit for him from time to time – he deserves it!

    As for feeling Soulless – that is because you have one soul less, for now, until the next time you meet. You do however have another soul – the other half of the partnership! That soul IS still there, and will always be… and of course, there is a third soul with you that you have by your side.

    Like Meatloaf says, Dude… two out of three ain’t bad!

    (manly) {{HUGS}}

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Who had the broken leg – you or the ‘Loaf??

        He has gotten a bit of a bad rep for live shows it seems? ( particularly in Aus) Nothing wrong with his recordings though! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I felt like you. Angry, upset, sad (pick any one of the words needed) when I would see a couple together. I never thought I’d find someone I enjoyed being with like I did with Nick. I miss him so much it physically HURTS.

    I have found Gary. I enjoy being with him. Walking with him, cooking with him. It’s all new and different and there is nothing wrong with me wanting this.

    It IS very different between Nick and Gary.

    I’m learning to ‘ride a new bike’.

    And it’s not so bad most days.

    My being with Gary in no way diminishes what I had/felt for Nick. Unfortunately that old saying ‘Life goes on’ is true. My heart is healed enough to let someone new in. I hope you get that soon. You and your son will BOTH benefit from it.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Hugs to you. 🤗 I am so sorry you feel so low today. Missing your life as was, is so hard. Yes, son is the bright bit. He needs you so much. And I think you need him too. You are a team, and you will get through the bad days together. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Some huge hugs for you, Friend.
    Had a moment kind of like this last week going through Dad’s stuff at my mom’s house. Whenever my brothers and I are together, she likes to try sorting at least SOMEthing out, so this time we focused on Dad’s movies. He had a ton of Dr. Who, Star Trek, and other stuff Mom was never going to watch; it’d all been sitting in the basement for 5 years. So we went through it all, Mom kept what she wanted, we took what we wanted, and then Bo and I took the rest to sell. All the while Biff keeps going nuts over all my dad’s Star Trek books.
    Dad should have been there to have fun with him, you know? Talk about all the ships and what they can do.
    And Mom cried a little, too, but then she said something that stuck with me: That God’s plan went this way for a reason. There are things to be thankful for now, just as there were then.
    So I’m going to focus on that.
    Just as you focus on your son.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s tough. It’s bizarre that something like Dr Who can produce such emotions. It’s difficult to explain to people. But when you have been in those dark places you know exactly what it feels like. What makes it so real for you is you will not only be trying to carry your load but also your mums , your kids, your brothers …. the problem is that you are only human. Sending you hugs, and thinking of you.

      Liked by 1 person

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