Autumn is coming I can feel it.

That anniversary is coming I can feel it.

Coming up to three years on the grief train.

The world flies past the window with no slowing down.

Unclear where I am heading or the purpose of the journey .

Captive Passenger on this locomotive with absolutely no sign of a conductor.

Who would have thought that after 3 years I would still feel so completely confused . Don’t get me wrong I am so lucky. I have a purpose to focus on. Give son the best childhood he can possibly have under the circumstances. Be there for him when he needs me for as long as that may be. My life is completely focused on our son.

And yet.

I realise that as son becomes increasingly independent (that has to be the goal) then I will need to start finding my own life again. My own self purpose. Will need the pesky grief train to stop at a new destination. But here is the conundrum. I’m driving the train, I’m the passenger, I’m the conductor. It’s down to me. I have to want that new destination to arrive and then I need to open the train door – and then decide to leave the train.

I’m using up valuable air. I owe it to the world to start living again. Eventually.

73 thoughts on “Feel it

  1. Maybe when the time comes you’ll know it instinctively. As in, you don’t have to seek it out, or look for it, it will present itself as such an opportunity all on its own.

    But I know what you mean. It’s not just grief of this sort that has those types of questions posed…

    Liked by 5 people

  2. Such a tough time. Take your time. Take all the time you need especially on these anniversaries. You are doing a great job with your son. Really. Your post is a hopeful one and THAT really makes me smile. Thinking of you and your son at this time and sending some BIG hugs.

    Liked by 4 people

      1. I’ve had a few! There was a trainer last week that wanted us to get low in a squat so our elbows were inside of our knees, roll back and forth between the legs and pop up – THEN he said, “Okay, I want you to do that 30 more times.” Definitely getting my butt kicked but I guess it is worth it 🙂 My runs aren’t going so hot, so I am glad to get some rewarding activity. How is your exercise regimen going?

        Liked by 2 people

      1. You are the driver. You will be the one to stop it. And you will know when you are running out of fuel, or food, or something else. You need friends. How many do you have regular time for? Any time for? Life is such that it is very hard to make it without some help form someone. A wise person seeks out that help BEFORE help becomes unobtainable.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Don’t be too hard on yourself, not that you are, so much in life is uncertain and we just don’t know fully what will happen or how we will cope with it. You feel as you do and grief is so individual and such a process… I am trying to accept I am where I need to be and doing the best I can, I see you trying so hard and I hope this upcoming anniversary isn’t too tough on you. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Gary,
    Don’t lock yourself in that train.
    Don’t force yourself to open its doors either.
    And don’t get off just because people tell you that’s your station.

    That’s a special train you’re on; it’s wiser than most give it credit for. It’ll take you where you need to go, it’ll stop at the right station some day – but just fuel up on lots of thanksgiving.

    If there’s one thing we need to make grief hurt less, it’s gratitude and thanksgiving. You can’t have too much of it.

    But too little and it will turn grief to poison.

    Liked by 4 people

  5. A long long time ago the world decided to spin on it’s axis once every 24 hours giving us sunshine followed by darkness in approximately 50/50 amounts. It also decided to make a circle of the Sun once every 365.25246 days, making sure we remember/relive certain days once a year like clockwork. You owe the world nothing – you only owe yourself, and your son, the best possible life you can give the two of you.

    I wonder what she thinks? What does she tell you when you ask her?

    One thing i have learned is that a situation can seem very different if you can find a different place to view it from. If you can’t see a way out you are either too close to focus properly or too distant to see the signposts easily.

    Stop the train at the next station, hop off and take a walk and see if you can see from a different place where the tracks are leading, then, if you have to, you can always get back on the train and see how you go?

    I 23rd the comments above who think you are doing a brilliant job raising your son, by the way. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  6. You owe it to your son to show him you can be happy too. That life does go on, just in a different direction. You deserve happiness too.

    I was amazed at almost 3 years I was still ‘confused’. But one day it will stop. And you will realize to make Son happy, you need to be happy. You know his Mum would want you to continue on. It took me 2 1/2 years to find someone that made me feel good enough to move on. I don’t know where Gary and I will end up. I just know for me being happy makes my children/grandchildren happy.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. ti auguro di ritrovare e sgarbugliare ogni nodo della tua vita, e che la tua vita sia piena, da genitore e da persona: auguri e saluti dall’Italia

    I wish you to rediscover and grind every node of your life, and that your life is full, from parent to person: greetings and greetings from Italy

    Liked by 2 people

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