Autumn is coming I can feel it.
That anniversary is coming I can feel it.
Coming up to three years on the grief train.
The world flies past the window with no slowing down.
Unclear where I am heading or the purpose of the journey .
Captive Passenger on this locomotive with absolutely no sign of a conductor.
Who would have thought that after 3 years I would still feel so completely confused . Don’t get me wrong I am so lucky. I have a purpose to focus on. Give son the best childhood he can possibly have under the circumstances. Be there for him when he needs me for as long as that may be. My life is completely focused on our son.
I realise that as son becomes increasingly independent (that has to be the goal) then I will need to start finding my own life again. My own self purpose. Will need the pesky grief train to stop at a new destination. But here is the conundrum. I’m driving the train, I’m the passenger, I’m the conductor. It’s down to me. I have to want that new destination to arrive and then I need to open the train door – and then decide to leave the train.
I’m using up valuable air. I owe it to the world to start living again. Eventually.