It’s been a seriously grey day. Heavy rain due within a few hours. When it’s like this you can’t see where the road ends up. You end of questioning your judgement. On your own it can be deeply unsettling.

Unsettling is a term I’ve become used to over the last 3 years. When my partner left this world it was a massive shock to my system (understatement of the year). For years I had got used to that wise voice guiding me through the world. The wise guide on life, on parenting, on everything. Suddenly life was uncertain. Now I was map reading on my own. Trying to navigate life and Aspergers felt like walking an increasingly thin tight rope without a safety net. Initially my approach was trying to make decisions that I thought my partner would make. Never going to work. We were different people with different takes on life. It was down to me to own this. Take responsibility. But it’s easier said that done.

Three years later it’s still easier said that done. Grief tries to rob you of your confidence and self esteem at a time when you are your lowest ebb. You have probably just lost your guiding light. Everything is stacked against you.

So again this weekend another crisis of confidence. Been many of these. Am I handling the school situation correctly. Should I be more forceful? An I being to pushy? Am I getting this badly wrong like most things. How can I be trusted with this when I can’t sort my own life out. Basically I’m out of my depth here. It’s a deeply unsettling feeling which sadly is not restricted to me. Too many live with this. In my case this leads to an initial overthinking of the situation, then the mind keeps focusing on the negatives (the possible ways I could mess this up), next comes the crisis of confidence which leads to a spell of depression. Well at least I’m predictable.

But the bottom line is that it IS DOWN TO ME. No one else is here. So I might think that I’m the wrong person to do this but I am the ONLY person available to do this. So it’s time to just try to keep moving forward. Move forward even though the path has disappeared. Hoping that one day the fog will clear. Then is the time to judge who bad my judgement has been.

69 thoughts on “Unsettling

  1. Hello Gary. You are doing the best you can. It is all anyone can do, it is all anyone can ask anyone to do. It is the way we get through life, doing the best we can right or wrong. Best wishes. Hugs

    Liked by 2 people

  2. You are doing amazing. Pour your heart out to us anytime. My daughter feels the same way, even though she has a husband. Taking care of a special needs child is the hardest job in the world, and you are coping. You are making the right decisions. Don’t ask me why, I just know, and I am struggling to write this with tears in my eyes. [[[[HUGS]]]]

    Liked by 1 person

  3. All parents, single, paired, special needs, regular needs… we all struggle with are we making the right choices. Its because we love our kiddos so so much! You’re gonna make mistakes. You’re human. I doubt you’re making catastrophic mistakes. You’re already doing more to help your son learn than the teachers are.

    Ride this low out. The tide will turn, the fog will clear and it will be nice. Then it will start all over again. Just keep swimming🐠

    Sending hugs!💌

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Follow your heart, your instinct, and sometimes you’ll get it right, sometimes you won’t. That’s life … nothing is ever perfect, but the main thing is that you’re trying, and you’re doing so out of love. You and he … you guys will be fine … I just feel that in my heart. Hugs!

    Liked by 3 people

      1. No worried, my friend … you’ve got a lot on your plate. I’m posting Roger’s today, Colette’s tomorrow, and I’ll post yours when you finish it … no rush. I appreciate you doing this!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I, as usual, am going against the crowd. Learn how to ask for help. Learn who to ask for help from. Learn how to accept help.
    As much as you feel you are on your own, you are not. No one is, unless you are making yourself alone. There are groups for parents of autistic and aspergers children all over the world, and certainly all over the internet. They come with people experienced in what you are going through, having gone through it themselves. They come from all kinds of societal, cultural, philosophical and even religious backgrounds, whatever you need. Look for what you and your son need, it is bound to be posted somewhere.
    But never tell yourself you are alone. Someone somewhere has gone through what you are going through now. Be free to ask for help. It is a sign of strength, not weakness.

    Liked by 4 people

  6. Shall I tell you a secret? Every (good) parent feels like this when it comes to their children. Am I doing enough or too much, should I be tougher or firmer, is it my fault? All these are common questions. It’s must of been amazing to have this wonderful partner to share the burden of these worries with though and I can understand you must miss that, (I have never really had that and I long for it some days) but although she is not here, she picked you and if she was as clever and smart as you say she would of chosen the person she wanted to raise her child very carefully. Believe in yourself like she believed in you, you are doing great.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I believe self-doubt is a GOOD thing – if you keep it in proportion.

    God forbid you be the type of parent who never doubts what they are doing as they raise their kids – the kind that never thinks about and questions some, or all, of the decisions they make. But the key is to make those decisions, wisely if you can, with a toss of the coin if you get ‘stuck’, but make the decisions and accept the consequences, and learn to trust your instincts and know that whatever you do it is you doing the best you can at any given moment.

    Hopefully you can learn and get better as you go along. 🙂

    That’s all any of us can hope for these days.

    But i’m also with Rawgod – there’s help when you start looking for it and accepting what you find – whenever it is appropriate and reasonable.

    And remember you are not alone – parenting involves your son as much as it involves his Dad. It’s OK to ask what he thinks you should do and how you are going so far. (As long as you get the deciding vote!) 😉

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Glad you got to see it. Here they are very much a Spring flower and all die out before our hot Summer begins. The seedlings appear as a tiny carpet of plants at the start of Winter but don’t grow much until a few weeks before spring when they shot up like crazy.

        Do your farmers like them or treat them as a pest?

        Liked by 2 people

  8. Sometimes, what looks like a wrong move now can look right years from now.
    And vice versa.
    But you can only live with yourself if you did what you think was best – at the moment of decision. It’s often the rushed moves that trouble us the most later on.

    I agree with Rawgod and others. Chat with others and listen, really listen. Some days, you might need to cut out distractions, shut down a bit – to help you make a better decision.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I have a post in my drafts folder about fog.

    Sometimes, all you can see in a thick fog is one step ahead. That’s all you can do one step at a time…until the fog clears a little.

    Apparently even in the thickest fog…when you look up…you can see stars. You might not see where you are going…but someone else can.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I think you are doing a great job. I know those fears – am I doing this right? I have those too. But we have the best intentions in mind for our littles we love. Honestly, trust your instincts. You’re doing great.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Sometimes with a good cry. When I have more wits, then I rationalize myself. I am doing my best at parenting with the personality I was given. Sometime the two don’t mix – I am not a finger wagging, “You’re going to do this, or else!” kind of mom, but I do have my kids best interests at heart and am trying. That has to count for something, right?

        Liked by 2 people

  11. I can only imagine how hard it is, but your love wikk see you through. Trust your gut instincts. But that grief thubg – is shit, we’re all here and rooting for you Gary. Hugs ti you xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

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