Dreams and memories are a vital part of life. After my partner died memories became my essential comfort blanket – something which kept me going. Three years later they are just as important to my soul. The occasional forgotten photograph find rekindle long forgotten life snapshots.

Dreams come in three forms for me. Those dreams of a future life, memories and those dreams which come during those all too brief periods of sleep. My future life dreams died when my partner left us. All I see is darkness. My job is to give our son the best possible childhood. After that nothing. It’s something I’ve heard from others in a similar position to me – I live through my son.

After the world changed my night dreams became a weird bizarre place. Reality completely warped. But increasingly the dreams became memory driven. Accurate replays of precious moments. This brought great solace with a few tearful mornings. But recently things have changed. Suddenly the night dreams are actual memory based but morphed in some important and strange way.

A lovely visit family trip to Edinburgh Zoo to see the Pandas. But in the dream the family trip becomes a trip round Jurassic Park world. All the actual incidents but with a dinosaur flavour.

A trip to the Royal Ascot Racing Festival held for one year at York. The Queen riding past us. 2005. Yet in the dreams it’s not Horse Racing. Sometimes it’s Dragster Racing. Sometimes it’s donkey racing. YES I get these strange morphed dreams repeatedly.

A family trip to the beach. It’s cold so it’s double jumpers. Ice cream and hot doughnuts. Yet on the first sandcastle we strike oil. Oil gushes out of the beach.

A romantic meal. Days filled of love and smiles. Yet the fine food is replaced with bugs and slugs and grubs.

A hand in hand walk round York’s Roman Walls. But instead of lovely views of York and it’s stunning Minster we see Paris on side and Nepal on the other side.

A New Years Eve Blues Brothers Themed Night replaced with a WWE wrestling night.

I could go on. So many odd dreams. I’m not a clever man so I’m not going to venture into Descartes territory. I suspect the reasons may not be that fundamental. But the bottom line is that I want my precious original sleep dreams back. Often they are all that remain of a better place. I like a bit of craziness but not here please.

102 thoughts on “Crazy dreams

  1. My dreams don’t tend to be memories but are usually so mundane and realistic as to be plausible. I don’t dream very often tbh but I do find dreams very interesting. Thanks for the post! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Same here Gary. My dreams have morphed too. Must be something about time passing. Not pleasant, I know. And I DO understand that darkness. It’s AWFUL. An awful feeling. Sending you hugs Gary xx

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Dreams are what they are Gary. Mine are driving me crazy lately, you can have them free-of-charge, if you like. But you said something that affected me to stop reading, “You live through your son.” Maybe you mean it in some way I am not getting, but you are the adult, he is the child. To live through him is to put a pressure on him he is too young to understand, and not old enough to take on. But neither can he refuse it, you are his life guide at present. Be his father, not his spirit-eater. Please do not usurp his childhood.

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      1. They gave gone through bad times (17 years out of the playoffs, followed by 25 straight years in the playoffs.) Now they are down again. Everything takes time.

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      2. Ouch. That is a long time. But my “American football” team is just as bad. I think they last won in 1956, or thereabouts, which was before I even knew there was such a thing as American football, lol. But at least we are loyal fans, not busjumpers like a lot of others, eh?

        Liked by 1 person

      1. I have to admit…I am extremely partial to a custard doughnut…although I think it’s been about three years since I have had one.

        Freshly made doughnuts? Do you mean like the ones they make at Alton Towers? Hot and sugary?

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Dreams have the purpose of organising our subconscious and helping us work through things but I can see why it is so hard to lose those relived experiences. Have you written down these memories, I mean just for you (and perhaps your son?). You could make a beautiful book where you could dip into your cherished memories anytime you like. Books transport us to another world much like dreams do but unlike dreams they remain constant where as dreams need to more on to do their job. I do understand when baby son does I used to dream of him in my arms, later I would dream of him my arms and thank him for coming but tell him I knew he had gone but my love for him never would. The dreams stopped completely eventually but 27 years on the love and memories of him are still strong.

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  5. A wise man once said: “You can never go back.”

    You can’t even stand still – you can try – but time will push you on regardless. πŸ˜‰

    Best if we can keep a place in our hearts for those who are no longer with us – inviolate – and deal more with what we have in the present with one eye on how we can best manage whatever the future has in store for us.

    You got mail.

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      1. Tried? It’s an annual event!!! πŸ™‚

        But they are so good at re-seeding, i end up with biscuit tin loads and have to give some to ‘friends’ (who, for some reason, thank me at the time but not after they flower??) πŸ˜‰

        Sprinkle them after the snow/frost ends if you have any and lightly press the ground after.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Hmmmm…. Do you wait till the pod has dried out and opened? Then shake the tiny black seed out and save them?

        Best to pick them as they turn from green to brown and before they open at the top/side. πŸ™‚

        Do poppy pods over there turn brown as they dry out – if that thing is possible in Yorkshire?? πŸ˜‰

        Liked by 2 people

      3. Having my kind of climate definitely helps i reckon!

        Doesn’t help you that much tho’ – sorry. 😦

        Maybe try slow drying them onto kitchen paper towels and putting in freezer when dry till planting time.

        You could just lay the paper towel out on the ground and give it a very light soil cover then water? Eco-friendly! πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

    1. There are times you might feel short-changed, but not remembering can also be good for you. But you can teach yourself to remember them, if you like. As you fall asleep, tell yourself to watch your dreams as in a theater, even if you are in them. Then say to remember them when you wake up. It usually only takes a few days before you start to remember.

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  6. I had read somewhere dreams are the day residue…whatever is happening at the back of our mind takes a live form in the dreams.not always I agree but mostly it is the hidden desires and subconscious thoughts that manifest in our dreams .

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  7. Hmmm. This resonated with me because my dreams have also changed lately and in ways that make little sense, and often just a little disturbing. I am at a crossroads in life. I feel like I have hit an unsustainable stasis and must move in one direction or another, but so far, have not done anything to change my path. I think this is leaving me uneasy and it is manifesting itself in strange imaginings that further cripple my resolve to ‘move.’ Our subconscious is often in more control than our ‘concious’ self.

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      1. Colette made the very point I was about to which is you might be wrestling subconsciously with turning that corner and finding you’ve put a foot forward without realising.

        Might make me sound full stinking hippie but the return to an old dream of enjoying yourself in the pub with friends seems like it bothers you – as though you can’t be supping Black Sheep and being with friends.

        All your other memories seem crystal clear almost in HD. Foggy, fuddled , muddled thoughts and recollection / emotions when you wake up is like you’re trying to keep it at bay. If you start returning, remember or revisiting what your wife didn’t share – what then??? You’d have to lace up your boots, put one foot forward and head towards the next chapter.

        Similar theme with the random dreams i.e. romantic meal turning out to be slugs and bugs, making sandcastles on the beach and oil pouring out from it. Even T-Rex with you at the Zoo.

        For every nice thing you feel or enjoy, it’s replaced by something either so random it distracts or makes you feel powerless, threatened and you can’t relax even at the zoo because T-Rex is right there trying to get at his candy floss but having a hard time cos of those little hands.

        Not doing anything threatening is even worse. He could and strictly speaking he SHOULD cos he’s a T-Rex and if he DOES you are up the T-Rex Titty Shitty River.

        Not gonna happen though. T-Rex won’t harm your son. Oil won’t pour out of the sand. If it did – what will you do?

        Your Son is gonna be fine. He’s far more resilient than maybe even you realise. So are you πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Is stress distorting your dreams? Your post describes my experience – whenever I take on more than I can, whenever I go it my own way instead of leaning against God’s wisdom.

    This stage of living just for your child – it is what gets us through the type of grief that comes with death. It gives purpose when we’d rather give up. It gives strength to rise after every tearful fall.

    But for your sake and his especially, it must remain a stage, not a fixed feature.


  9. Maybe change the pillow πŸ™‚ or calming tea before bed …ok just kidding…😁 but who knows. I don’t see dreams much. I mean – at all. Maybe 4-6 times a year πŸ™‚ I put them inside of my books. By the way, you could create a stories from your dreams, on paper…maybe it would scare them away lol

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Great…I may change the pillow as well, to get more dreams lol

        Relaxing tea with lavender/mint or at least camomile = should work too :))

        Yes, Pearl Territory is an idea from the dream. Also I had 1 more story-dream…but I had no time to work with it yet, but I saved it πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  10. I think perhaps your dreams are telling you that things have changed, as the world changes, sometimes in crazy ways, but that in giving in and changing with it, it may contain surprises you are currently resisting. Understandable, wanting to cling to the past with your beloved one. It takes time. This is a story repeated over and over and over in our world. It is set up to push on in spite of loss. It took me years after my husband’s death to face the fact that terrible things, much as we would not have chosen them to happen, can lead to wonderful things if we continue to have faith in the world.

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  11. Dreams are fascinating. I’ve never been good at interpreting them but they are supposed to say a lot about our lives and what’s at work in our subconscious. The ones I find most unpleasant (ie. terrifying) are the chase dreams — I hate when they show back up in my world.

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  12. My friend … methinks you have too much on your mind. Dreams are the mind’s way of recharging, of letting off some of the angst, and from the sounds of yours, I think you have, understandably, far too much angst. I find that the one thing that helps me be able to sleep somewhat peacefully and reduces the likelihood of the night terrors that seem to plague my sleep these days is reading for a half hour to an hour right before going to sleep. Nothing too deep or political, just a good mystery or FBI thriller! It works … honest! I think it helps us transfer our own troubles into the fantasy world inside the covers of the book. Who knows? Anyway, I have no words of wisdom, but my heart goes out to you. And, I’ve got a compassionate ear whenever you want to chat. Hugs, my friend. πŸ€—

    Liked by 3 people

  13. Sorting thru, and dealing with, trauma and stress will bring about all sorts of weird dreams. Have you tried journaling your dreams? Journaling your thoughts? It might help…

    Is that a concrete mile/kilometer marker of some sort?

    Liked by 1 person

  14. PS. Nice mug of milk or Horlicks, couple of lightly scented tea light candles / few drops of natural lavender or jasmine on inside of a pillow or duvet.

    Keep a notebook and pen next to your bed in case you wake up form a mad dream to scribble. Even easier thing is to buy a small handheld Dictaphone and tape so you only need to press a button.

    Get wrapped up like a sausage roll and put on Skyrim exploration / ambience or whatever music you love and leave it playing as you nod off.

    Do you all good – dog too. Mine are upside down with all four legs stuck in the air within five or ten minutes πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Oh, my head is always weird with dreams, sadly often out of my control. Like waking up in a church full of nooses, or stumbling around the house with an invisible monster while I struggle to take a breath…
    ugh, i hate dreaming. 😦 My brain just doesn’t know how to settle, and if I’m sick, I can never breathe inside the dream. It’s agonizing. I used to have zany ones, though, like the Adam West Batman riding on the swings with me. That was a good one πŸ™‚

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