It’s like waiting for a bus. You wait ages and two come along at the same time. No posts about grief and then two arrive together.

It’s now four years since I lost my partner. Four years into the grief journey.

This morning I went to put the bin out onto the side of the road. When I looked down the street I noticed a ‘Sold Sign’ outside a house. It was outside the house of a couple I get on well with. Would often bump into them prior to the pandemic. Will be sad to see them leave. I know very few people in our small village now. The pandemic hasn’t helped but that’s the reality. Before the world changed for me in 2016 it was very much different. We knew many in the village. We would go to all the village events. Would visit people, people would visit us. Even when our son’s Aspergers stopped him going to village stuff, one parent would stay with him and the other could still go.

Then the world changed.

I didn’t want to venture out to these village do’s. I just wanted to build walls around myself. I lost touch with many. That was my bereavement. Not only did it rob me of my partner but it took many of my friends as well. That was partly my fault. The last thing I thought I wanted was company. It also didn’t feel right going out by myself. I had become programmed to being in a couple. Being single was something I had forgotten how to do. Most of my friends were now based on US being a couple. It must have been tough for those friends to adjust. To deal with someone grieving and now single. As a result over time many friends dropped off the radar. Increasing isolation. But at that time it was ok with me. It felt like how things should be. Me hiding behind the walls.

Then I began to change.

As my grief journey progressed suddenly those walls stopped being a useful self defence system. They became confines. Prison walls. Hemming me in. I came to realise just who much I missed company. Just maybe I had been wrong. When I was grieving and avoiding people, maybe that was when I needed company the most.

So now I’m trying to take those walls down. Sadly they go up easier than they come down. The pandemic doesn’t help. Being a single parent to a son with so many social fears certainly is restrictive. Also I’m nervous of social settings. But actually that’s not grief related, that’s going back to who I was when I was younger.

So here I am in 2020. Much further down the grief road now the question is can I bring those walls down.

52 thoughts on “Can walls come down

  1. They can come down easy, too. All it takes is the first step, the first word. You can demonstrate how to overcome something that appears difficult, might even come with fear and anxiety, but can be overcome with a few words and gestures, a few overtures that indicate to other people who might need you that you might need them, too.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I appreciate your transparency. I’m sure it isn’t easy…but, maybe cathartic? Regardless, thank you for sharing. I don’t think disassociation is uncommon. I did it myself. Not under such terms, but I (vaguely) get your mindset. Covid has not helped, that’s for sure. If you feel it’s company you crave, seek it as you can. Loneliness has but one cure

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  3. You can do anything you set your mind to Gary Kermit Superdad! You might fall down, you might break something, but if you want those walls down, you’ll find a way!
    Or maybe use the wind and fly over, or let the Cap’n dig a way under…😂😂

    I think that a lot of people will have some social awkwardness after the lockdowns and working from home, etc… people will have forgotten how to socialize in person.

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  4. Ah, yes, I understand where you are coming from, particularly as one with social fears and being a mother to at least one who takes after me. But, something I am finding is if you reach out in the ways you can, you will find others reaching back. One step at a time, my friend, and you will find those walls disassembling. Prayers to you.

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  5. I am nervous too because of things. I don’t have walls, cause mine are not cemented …

    Mine are like the iron gates of a castle lol… I can let them down, and I can let someone in… I just don’t want to be hurt in any way – and I only want sincere and none of it is my world… I was 17 the last time I really dated so … I dunno – nervous. And I’ve had that cancer and surgeries – no one has seen me yet (except oddly my kids – but that’s because they took care of me after surgery ❤️)

    Don’t make me cry lol

    But yeah I don’t have walls – but ya know I do have gates ✌️😘

    If you have built walls? And they are cemented ?? I don’t know??

    There are no rules or time limits ya know… or any specific way you need to be?

    If not speaking of the walls or issues… what is it you want? How do you want it to be? What do you actually want ?

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      1. Understand.

        I am sorta… I just go slow – I want things to feel right. Not rushed or forced or for any other reason… I want it to just feel like peace??

        So sorta … am somewhat sorta ready -ish lol

        I dunno – so yeah I get it

        Liked by 1 person

      1. I always think little by little is the key to anything. Anything beyond that is daunting, or fed-up making, or cruising for chucking in towels. But a wee bit at a time, a stone at a time, well you can take that breath, you can stand back, you may even think, hey why don’t I just take that one there while I am about it?

        Liked by 1 person

  6. You can do this.

    I did. And I NEVER thought I could feel love again. Nick was the love of my life. I grieve for him daily. But I am healing. And love has found a way in. It always will.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You have already dealt with so much. One the damned virus is gone…you can start taking the walls down a bit at a time. Once you start you may decide to rent a bulldozer and knock the whole thing down. Being single certainly changes things but it will just be different, not impossible.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Good luck. I’m finding myself in a similar situation as I feel my fatigue and depression lifting. I can’t quite figure out what step to take next, who to try to bring back into my life and who’s better left out. All my old channels of mingling are closed. I want to write cards and letters to people who’ve helped me recently – but it’s so much easier to stay hidden and go back to bed.

    When you find steps back, please share them.

    I’m sorry for the anniversary.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Insightful. I went through a time when friends all dropped off the radar (my first husband was very sick for a long time). Some even judged our faith as too small to heal him. Yet the dark time, met with perseverance, yielded a smaller group of true friends. Growth. Greater inner health. Not all can handle what you’ve handled, at least not yet. You will find a few that can. Hang in!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. They can come down…but sometimes they have to be pushed. It’s that whole getting out of your comfort zone in order to grow thing… I know, I know…I hate it too. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

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