Another cool and breezy Yorkshire summer’s day. The kinda day that always works better with black and white.

It’s five years to the day that I found out from the Consultant that my partner had weeks to live and was likely never to regain full consciousness again. From that day life changed. Not a gradual, planned change. This was a sudden, seismic explosion. Almost everything seemed to cave in. Nothing would ever be the same again. Those doorways onto my then current life slammed shut and locked forever.

The one single thing that kept me going back in 2016 was Hawklad. I had one job now. Give him the best possible childhood I could possibly manage, on my own. At that stage I was living purely though my son’s eyes. Change had to somehow work for him .

Life was now different. Unplanned. Very much unscripted. It felt like that the life that had gone before was a more protected. More manageable. This new world seemed very real, very scary with no protection. But I guess that’s change for you. Often it’s too easy to have a change of heart. Avoid the consequences of change. Stick with the your current hand. But in that bleak 2016 moment, sticking with what I had was not an option. Change was happening and there was nothing I could do to stop it. That’s such an unnerving feeling.

Life has changed for me. There was nothing I could do to stop that. Some of that change was awful. Soul destroying. In the immediate aftermath most things felt that way. But now five years later the change that was forced upon me has largely worked out. And whisper it, much of the change has been positive or was in practice badly needed anyway. And yes in some really important areas things are actually better now than they have ever been.

Change can work with patience.

36 thoughts on “Change”

  5. There is one disbelief that still needs changing, Gary. I think you are ready to move in that direction. You do not have to bring up Hawklad all by yourself forever. It won’t happen overnight, especially considering the path covid is taking, but you will need to open up to the possibility of finding a new partner, one who can give Hawklad a feminine viewpoint in his life. In other words, Gary, a new partner for you. You do not need to go it alone.

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      1. You mistake my intent, OS. My cocnerns are first for Hawklad, that he have both sides of his personality developed, the masculine and the feminine. No matter how good of single parents we are, there are just some things we cannot teach our children,
        My second concern is to alleviate the pressure of always being “at bat” for Gary. If, as parents, we never get the tiny relief of having someone to be in charge for a few minutes, it wears us down. Also, having second opinions, even sometimes bad ones, on how to deal with the continuous challenge of raising our children as best we can, can take away the possibility of being blind to other options and choices.
        I was raised by a single father, not a very nice one like Gary who is doing amazing things for and with Hawklad. For me there was something missing, something that as a child I could not put my finger on. But as I grew into an adult I realized I had no feminine influence, aside from seeking the opposite of whatever garbage my father was modelling for me.
        I would have been much happier if I had a father like Gary. But even so, it took years to understand that half of me was missing.
        Also, there are other benefits from having a partner in one”s life, and I am not just talking sex. Adult companionship helps us become well-rounded people. I am retired now, but I worked as a Social Worker in the addictions field. My experiences there are what I am using to base my ideas on. There are so many factors that go into living our lives, and giving our children the best chances at having a good life. I had no intention of ever going this deeply into why I said what I did, and it was merely a suggestion to Gary, and any other single parent, to be open to different ways of doing things. Obviously Gary (sorry to be talking about you in the third person, Gary, but this is directed to OS) is already a happy person, his blog exudes this. No, a partner is not necessary to one’s happiness, but one can be an enhancement to greater happiness.
        And if Gary wants to tell me to butt out, that is his privilege. But you, OS, need to be open to other possibilities too, whatever your circumstances. Because I suggested a partner should be a “possibilty” is not a command to go out and find one, it is merely saying to be open should such a someone appear in his life.

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      2. rawgod, thank you for sharing your thoughts. Mine is from being a single parent that caught the eye of those that were awful to kids. Kicked them to the curb. It was a hard alone and tiring, but better job done and proof in my puddings. 🍨 🍦 🥧 🍰 🎂

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  6. That’s a good note with which to head for the test match hoping for a change in our batting fortunes. I don’t mean to be flippant but I know as a true Yorkshire love of a polished forward prod you’d understand

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      1. Tell you what I’ve been known to do and others have liked:
        Chickpea curry 🥫 and 🍋 lemon meringue with the aquafaba. The meringue is so much nicer and smoother, than the eggy type.
        Also there was some rice left over from the curry (another in the group made soooo much rice) and I made some rice pud by adding almond milk 🥛 and heating it up, then adding vanilla essence and sugar just before the end of heating it through.

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  13. We have no option but to accept and no one can live happily in the past. As dreadful as it is to get through those times, they become part of your history and you make adjustments. It’s our lot, though not everyone gets a broadside hit. Those are hard and seem unfair, but then life isn’t. Fair. So glad you are doing better. XX

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  15. Reading your post brings tears to my eyes. Change does happen without our consent. We can rail against it but it doesn’t change a thing. The year 2016 brought painful times to my family as well. You have been an inspiration that helped me through those dark and agonizing days. Life goes on and so must we. Take care my friend.

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