Another year and another anniversary. Time passes. It never stops. It never stops.

These words will go live almost 5 years to the minute when I received that call from the Hospice. That conversation has faded into the mists of time now. I remember just a few words “I am so sorry”.

The first two anniversaries were so tough. I was in a bleak place. I couldn’t understand why my time had stopped but the world kept turning. It never missed a beat. How could that be possible. One thought dominated. Why her, why not me. The wrong person went. Over an over, the same thought. I was kinda rooted to the spot. No dreams left intact. Living purely through the eyes of our son.

Now it’s 5 years. What does an anniversary feel like now.

More like any other day. Does that sound bad….Even for me time doesn’t stop. Yes some moments spent remembering. Maybe not enough moments. But I know now. Those times have gone. The good and bad times. Just memories now. Time has moved on. I have moved on. New Dreams. Time moves on.

I won’t lie to you. Yes I still sometimes think -‘maybe it should have been me’. But……There is a phrase that can grind on me but in this case it’s true.

It is what it is.

Yes it is. That’s how it’s worked out. I can’t change it.

Memories are in the past, locked in time. I need to deal with today. Yes it’s an anniversary but it’s also another parenting day. Time doesn’t stop, even on an anniversary. Yes hopefully time for memories but also time to dream.

So how does this anniversary feel. Important YES but i realise it’s just about the past. Important but not as important living. So what does it feel like. It feels like today. It feels like the gateway to the future.

Memories will come but forgive me I need to dream first.

64 thoughts on “Anniversaries

      1. My circumstances were different, as I had taken care of Len all our married life, and the last 27 years with 5 chronic illnesses. He told me that his body was giving out, and I knew that will all the falls. He got his wish, and my promise that he would never go in a home. He told me that all the men would be after me, and that I would find someone, even though I kept telling him that he was the love of my life.

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    1. Deeply moving. The healing process takes time but allowing it to take its own course, is the only way forward. Ultimately, its the present moment which matters because it contains both, the past and the seeds of the future, in it, too. Good wishes on the journey forward with your son. You’re lucky to have each other.

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  1. Yes, you have new dreams for you and Hawklad, new hugs, new adventures, new lights to hold together. You carry love with you and memories with you, but there are new memories to make, my friend. Kind and cozy memories that promise smiles no matter what the sky looks like that day. Hugs to you, my friend, and an air-hug for Hawklad. xxxxxxxx

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  2. The say each person deals with that call in a different way, but also for me it has been different for each loved one. When the call said that my daughter had died, it felt like all the blood in my body had gone heavy and I just couldn’t move. Another overhearing the call went into a sort of hysteric and wanted to hug me, but that they felt like lead too. I look back at that moment, for it really has been stuck in time, yet now I am another person also. Together we move forward.

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    1. I hold my own hand from that day, we can do it, we can make this day worth remembering in a different way. We need not forget that day, but we will be distracted by this one given a chance.


      1. Tell you what though BABASP, this day was pretty darn awesome!
        I mean, for starters today I had one of my favourites of 🍍 pineapple fritter and chips, so that’s a get~in! I bought such a pretty tray for 50p from the Veteran Horse Charity shop in Cardigan (sadly closing). I took a gentle walk under the pine trees 🌲🌲🌲 to Ffynone Waterfall where I saw a 🦋 speckled wood butterfly, St John’s wort 🌻 and bracket fungi… At the waterfall I had a lovely cool paddle in the pool, where I picked six small crystal white stones from the river bed and brought them home in the bottom of my pocket. Hardly a palm full, but they’ll sit on my window to bring back the memory of this day. Oh and saw a blue emperor dragonfly darting back and fore in a figure of 8 up above the falls, where the ground felt like walking on a warm mattress, it’s so soft from dried up sweet smelling pine needles (had my shoes on by that time). These are just a few of the things within this day that made it an awesome one. So what if the car radio / CD player still doesn’t work (someone ripped it off because of the rainbow flag on it) and I had to go old school without it. I’ve been uplifted, all the things came together to make this day worthwhile. Your hopes for my day fulfilled. Thank you

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  3. Thinking of you both on this anniversary. I hope you share some memories and do someday special. You both are loved, as was your partner. And love keeps bonds in tact. 💛🌟

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  4. I love this SOOOO much!! 🥳💃🏼 Yes! Dream and Live and slog and make mistakes, and dance and laugh…
    I’m glad that time has eased the pain and that you are focusing on today. You just put a big ol smile on my face!!😁💌💌💌💌


  5. In his book, “The Five Invitations (What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully),” Frank Ostaseski discusses all five. In the section on # 3, “Bring Your Whole Self to the Experience,” he says: “It is important to understand that loss doesn’t go away. It lasts a lifetime. It is our relationship to a particular loss that changes.”

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