Man of action

That’s as good as the weather has been in days. Apparently there is still blue sky up there.

I like to still see myself as a MAN OF ACTION. Unbounded reserves of energy. Chiselled, carved out of granite, built like Thor. I do try lots of exercise. Increasingly heavy weights and kettlebells. More and more sit-ups, press-ups and planks.

Sadly the reality is some what different.

Permanently feeling tired, trying not to nod off. A constant battle with my weight. A body more Homer Simpson’s than Superhero. AND I strongly suspect that any self respecting MAN OF ACTION won’t have Pirate George on his duvet cover.

The secrets out now…

Are you sure

A moment of quiet contemplation between the mayhem. A penny for his thoughts.

I wonder if it was ‘in a few minutes I get a chance to really bark at the shopping delivery driver’.

Well he needed patience today. Definitely late delivery.

We are so fortunate to be able to book a weekly food delivery. Ok what comes is a little random but it so helps during these strange lockdown days. The drivers are usually really friendly and helpful. Today it was a new driver who looked only just old enough to drive the van. About an hour late the phone rang.

“I’ve been sat outside for 10 minutes and your not in. I’ve food to be delivered.”

Sorry but you are not outside our house.

Yes I am”

Sorry I can’t see you on our drive.

‘Well I am parked on your drive”

Sorry but your not. You might be at the wrong house.

Definitely not, I’m here”

Wait a second and I will see if I can see you….. I can see you. I’m waving at you. You are at the wrong house.

No you must have used put the wrong address on the order. It says xxxxxxxxx as the address ”

Yes that’s our house address. It’s the one that has been used by the supermarket for 9 months. It’s the address to this house not the one your parked at.

Are you sure…..”

Strangely yes I am sure. I’m currently stood outside my house and you are parked outside the wrong house.

*******

Finally the van arrived at the correct address. The food was delivered and then the deep philosophical discussion continued.

That house had the same colour door as the one you included in your instructions..”

I don’t think it does. I put on the order that our house had a white door. That one over there has a brown door.

It’s very confusing I bet the other drivers have struggled to find you.”

No you are the first to get lost.

For the future could you add some more detail to the delivery address.”

So apart from the correct address, the correct colour door, instructions on how to get to our house from both village entrances. The ones which are on the order already – what would you suggest.

Anything to make it clearer….”

*********

So on the next order maybe I should include the door colours that do not apply to our house. A note saying that it might be an idea to check the door number on the door matches the one on the order. And listen out for the really noisy dog. That should do it…

On thin ice

Sometimes you are on thin ice. Very thin ice

I’m sat on a living room chair drinking a decaf coffee. Trying to help with Pythagoras theorem. You remember that one. ‘In any right angled triangle, the square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides’. A perfectly fine theorem spoilt by including squares. Ok the squares of 2 and 3 and 4 are fine. But really the squares of numbers bigger than 23 should be banned.

Anyway I was in the zone. Drinking decaf and trying to help with maths when out of the blue…

Dad what’s a Drag Queen?”

Trying to mop up the decaf now spilt on my lap. I spluttered out an answer while longingly remembering questions involving the square of 38…..

20 years

A really special tree. All by itself on an exposed little hill. This angle shows the impact of a few too many storms and a couple of direct lightning strikes. Definitely much bigger and a little more symmetrical when we first moved here a couple of decades ago.

Having said that I bet the tree is saying something similar about me. Not quite the same human than he was 20 years ago.

Definitely a bit heavier. My old baggy goalkeeper top has become a trendy skin tight one. Let’s say it’s all more muscle…. 🙀

But that made me think about other stuff which has changed over those 20 years.

Parenting

Bereavement

Hair….🤯 (maybe the two above are the cause of that….)

Stopped drinking alcohol

Stopped drinking coffee

My dress sense has improved (did I really wear that stuff)

Body has decided to disagree with lots of stuff I liked 20 years ago (caffeine, dairy, garlic, oats, baked beans, raw onions, gluten, spicy stuff, liquorice, fizzy drinks, apples, peanuts)

Over those 20 years they clearly have been making mobile phone screens and book lettering much smaller and more blurred

Memory has gone the same way as my eyesight

Seemingly can’t get out of a chair now without making audible noises

Can now seem to understand what the Tellytubbies and Clangers say

Now older than many world leaders

20 years ago I was a bit of a computer expert and now even the TV remote control is beyond me

20 years ago I would spend hours setting up my mobile to be the perfect fit for my lifestyle and now I just hand it to my son to sort it out

Developed a liking for beige things

I’ve become much more Homer Simpson than Bart

Can now get into a One Legged Pigeon position…..

Ok that last one I can get into the position but there are no guarantees I can get out of the pose. So surprise surprise, in those 20 years I’ve got older. Older yes. Bigger yes. Creakier yes. Wiser – not entirely sure……

Not sure it will

Temporary farmers field lake is still going strong and still delivering. Kind of want it all year round. Wonder if my hosepipe will reach that far….

I’m not sure it will.

I was doing my morning torture ritual. Set the alarm to go off while it’s still dark. Exercise and then let the real torture begin. Yoga. Trying to follow the helpful and really nice instructions.

“To extend this pose why don’t you just take those knees just a bit lower…”

I’m not sure they will.

“This is a scrumptious hip opener why don’t you just hold it for another 10 seconds…”

I’m not sure I have the will.

“Try to breathe in through your nose to the count of 7 and then breathe slowly out to the count of 8.”

I’m not sure my lungs will.

“Now try to touch the ground with the outside of your left knee while twisting your body as far you can to the right.”

I’m convinced it will not do that without rupturing my spine.

“While keeping your right leg off the ground cradle your left thigh with both arms, start to rock.”

If you count going into catatonic shock as rocking, then I can…

Star Wars

A new day. New hope.

I should pen the next Star Wars movie.

**********

Dad what are you looking at Amazon for?”

I was kind of toying with the idea of getting ME a Lego set.

Which one Dad?”

I’ve always wanted the Star Wars Death Star. Wanted that for years. Maybe even the Millennium Falcon.

Are you going to buy one then?”

No. Definitely No. have you seen the prices. Death Star is £600 and the Falcon is £250.

Wow. Think of the milkshakes you could buy me with that money…”

Stop sniggering, I might just get that big box of loose lego out and make my own creation. Much cheaper and probably more fun.

Dad you could script out a new Star Wars movie..”

That’s an idea. Could give myself a role in the movie. Maybe a heroic Jedi night. Maybe the new Hans Solo. Maybe even the dashing new evil Sith Lord….

No Dad, only one rule for you. Jabba The Hut….”

I walked right into that one 😂

L

Muddy puddles

This will be where I go for my one permitted trip out of the house. The farmers field at the back of the garden. One bit of outside exercise is now permitted by the Government. So that’s taking the dog for his morning constitutional. A few laps round the deserted field.

But look at those puddles. How tempting are they. So want to channel my inner Peppa Pig and jump in those muddy puddles. But I don’t want to get the dog drenched and caked in mud. So maybe I could go back home, drop him off and then come back.

But surely that would count as a second exercise trip out. Breaking the rules.

I bet those sheep would dob me in as payback for feeding them cheap biscuits.

Give it a miss

Finally a little bit of blue sky but it’s really wet under foot. Prefect mud for a long haired dog. Definitely a long bath is heading his way.

Maybe not as long as some things.

Dad have you got some homemade bread in. I fancy a ham sandwich.”

That’s right I was making a loaf. What happened to it? I did make it, I think.

****a check of the kitchen revealed no fresh loaf****

Dad are you sure you made one.”

Yes I did. I made it. Put it in the tin and put it in the airing cupboard to rise….. Oh I didn’t did I

Dad what have you done.”

****a check of the airing cupboard revealed a loaf of bread left to rise****

Dad how long should it have been in there for?”

About 45 minutes

How long has it been in there?”

A bit longer

Dad how much longer?”

About 4 days…. In my defence I put it in there and my sister phoned and I completely forgot all about it.

What a muppet Dad. You really are. Might give the sandwich a miss then.”

Say that again

Say that again…..

I so need to have a notebook which I carry around in my pocket at all times. Every time something is mentioned that has the slightest chance of becoming important then I could write it down. A permanent record to prompt my sieve like memory and stop those say that again moments.

Had a few too many of those over the last few days.

“Dad did you get the glazed cherries for our Christmas Eve treat?”

Say that again!!!!

Dad did you buy the Home Alone 4 dvd for our Christmas Day movie?”

Say that again!!!!

“Dad did you phone school before they broke up to tell them that the Teams password isn’t working?”

Say that again!!!!

Dad did you remember to make a donation to the school charity appeal last Thursday?”

Say that again!!!!

Dad did you phone up XXXXXXX mum to get hold of their address so we can send them a card?”

Say that again!!!!

Dad you haven’t forgotten that we are having Salmon to eat on Christmas Eve?”

Say that again!!!!

“Have we got the sausage rolls, French sticks, onion rings, pineapple rings, Doritos and mango chutney in for our Christmas Eve buffet?”

Say that again!!!!

Dad did you remember that you said that you would send a copy of the family tree to Auntie Xxxx”

Say that again!!!!

Dad did you remember to take the bread out of the oven. It’s been in there for most of the day and it’s looking a bit burnt.

Say that again!!!!

Mr Xxxxxxxxx did you remember to submit form 5a. It needs to be received by the end of this month or the service will stop.

Say that again!!!!

Ok you will need to give your dog these nasal sprays at least once a day. Will your dog sit still to let you do that.”

Say that again!!!!

Puddings

Where are our biscuits……

So today my country finds itself cut adrift. Many countries have closed their ports, tunnels and airports to us. That’s what happens when you mix an even more pesky variant of Covid with clueless, self deluded, only interested in themselves numpties who couldn’t manage a snowball fight.

Dolly and her biscuit munching woolly friends would do a better job than that prat called Boris and his cronies.

So yep we are cut adrift as a nation. All I can think about is why it took so long for this to happen. Countries like France should have done this years ago. We are not exactly going to be missed. Must be time for Yorkshire to join Scotland in declaring independence and ditching this madness. Let’s celebrate that thought with a large portion of Yorkshire Puddings. I’d rather talk about those puddings than the other puddings who are in charge,