Horror Show

So our glorious leader Bonkers Boris has held his first cabinet. And it is truly glorious

  • Leadership provided by Bluffer Boris a man sacked multiple times for lying.
  • The person in charge of domestic security was sacked for fibbing about holding clandestine arms deals meetings with a foreign leader. Clearly we all accidentally bump into world leaders on holiday and the subject strays away from the beach talk to weapon deals.
  • The chap in charge of our kids education was sacked (with calls for him to face criminal prosecution) for leaking official secrets.
  • Several of the team would love to bring back hanging and fox hunting.
  • The Foreign Secretary apparently thinks feminists are obnoxious bigots.
  • A transport secretary who has his own private jet.
  • A rich member who thought a dying benefit claimant who was sanctioned for being 4 minutes late for an appointment – should learn the art of timekeeping.
  • Another who has recently been found in to be in contempt of Parliament. Something which seems to be a badge of honour.
  • The person in charge of housing loves the idea of a bedroom tax.
  • A Security Minister who spectacularly cocked up his own Parties Conference security leading to a significant personal data breach for a number of high profile targets.
  • A multi millionaire who claimed expenses of 49p for some milk yet struggled to correctly declare £400000 of outside earnings.
  • Another rich member who thinks people using food banks are not poor.
  • And this obnoxious thing

But we have hope.

In a far off realm a group of brave heroes hold their first shadow cabinet meeting. Ready to come to our countries need in its darkest hour. Modern day King Arthur and his Knights.

Ok one of the heroes clearly keeps falling asleep. But it’s hard work being this good. And not a top hat in sight. I suspect it would be shredded within seconds.

Maybe you have similar heroes who are poised to save your country. I think we all could do with special ones who are beyond reproach and who we can truly believe in. We certainly need a smile at the very least.

What is it

Million’s of years of evolution, survival of the fittest and we get to this. I’m not sure how I would describe this. Hairy, messy, scruffy, bizarre, bouffant, lazy, crazy wig, fur ball explosion.

Clearly he is taking his guard dog duties seriously. Like a coiled spring primed to leap into action.

But even when he is comatosed he makes you smile. Makes you forget how crap life is some days. And another key point. I can guarantee that when he does return to our world then his eyes will open and that tail will go into hyper action. Unconditional love – maybe just for his toy crocodile but it’s still love. But given that seriously geared up tail no wonder Muttley could fly.

So you return with the physio’s words ringing in your ear

I’m not so saying never again but just don’t expect to be running anytime soon.

That’s feels like another kick in the nether regions. Yet within a few seconds a hairy bundle of smelly dogness has managed to banish those thoughts. When you look around you can find stuff that makes you smile and makes you feel alive again. Keep looking and you just might find that Hulk Buster Suit.

Thank goodness for pets….

Monster Movies

I’ve just pitched this blockbuster monster movie to Marvel. I think it’s a winner. Works on so many levels especially emotional.

My deepest apologies – clearly I have now lost the plot. Officially cracked now. To such an extent that we are going to build our own movie franchise up over the coming months.

Wrong End

I needed a break from the mountain of rubbish on my desk this morning. So it was time to take the pup for a walk. Partway round I bumped into a hiker with her dog. As we talked the two dogs played. The poor girl dog could hardly keep up with this hyper active Tasmanian Devil.

As my dog started to smell the girl dogs bottom the hiker said.

My girl hasn’t had the operation so she can still have puppies. But she’s never had any luck. When I say luck she doesn’t seem to let boy dogs get too close to her”

Not sure if she was eyeing Captain Chaos up as a potential suitor. I quickly pointed out.

“The vet talked me out of giving him the snip. Basically because he is such an unusual mix. Vet couldn’t find any recorded cases so maybe it’s just him and one brother and sister. But he is unlikely to have any luck. I’ve tried a good man to man talk but he just doesn’t want to listen.”

She smiled “Oh Why”

On cue he started humping the unfortunate girl dog. The wrong end. It’s always the wrong end. One day he’s going to get a sharp nip in a very delicate area.

That look.

Yes dogs stiff their own butts. Chase their own tail. Roll about in poo. They are happy playing with an old sock or even better a new pair of pants. Yes their antics don’t suggest millions of years of evolution or natural selection of the best genes.

However…..

When it comes to getting round their human owners – they are off the scale. Nothing on this planet comes remotely close.

This is the face of a dog who doesn’t want to go out in the rain. Guess what. It worked again.

Bath time

Some pets are clean and tidy. Some pets are not. Some pets are dogs…

Captain Chaos won’t pass up the opportunity to roll in any unsavoury object. Mud, cat poo, soil, bird poo, grass, sheep poo, hay, cow poo…. You get the picture. You get the musty aroma.

Cometh the smell, cometh the bath. The dog bath doesn’t last long. Most of the water ends up on the floor, the walls, the windows, the ceiling, on me. Then you do your best to dry him then it’s release the mad one and he’s fully into his even madder 10 minutes of madness. Followed by you have guessed it, some more rolling about…..

It’s the early hours. We need a bit of a lift so in 4 hours son will get up and off we go to see an early morning (and hopefully relatively empty) screening of The Avengers – End Game. A screening starting at 6.30am – how mad is that. Thanos will still be in his pyjamas.

The Booty

  • 5 socks
  • 2 pairs of pants
  • Coins
  • £5 Note
  • A dinosaur
  • Set of keys
  • A brush
  • A ruler
  • A nail brush
  • A flannel
  • A remote control
  • 2 pens
  • 2 Red Noses
  • Seth Rollins (wrestler)

All found during a fingertip search of the garden. Yesterday the dog was running round the garden with my wallet in his mouth – hence the search.

I cannot provide prima facie evidence. But clear signs of chewing and rushed attempts at burying many of the said items would strongly suggest one particular culprit. I wonder who?

The break begins….

One or two patches of Daffodils are making it through to Easter. That’s kinda nice.

So the Easter School Break begins. With a hunt. But not an Easter Egg Hunt.

Dad The Pup is outside”

That’s fine Son because I’ve been at meetings all today the poor boy will be busting.

That’s good. Did you know he has taken something with him”

It’s ok for Mr Crocodile to go outside.

No it wasn’t Mr Crocodile”

Tell me it’s not your socks.

No not my socks”

The little bugger has got my pants hasn’t he.

No not today”

What has he got then.

I think it’s your wallet”

So after a mad 5 minute chase a slightly chewed wallet has been retrieved. Soon will begin a fingertip search of the lawn for the coins and cards with have been scattered around the garden. I’m knackered already and the break is only 2 hours old….