Live

Yesterday was suitably grim but another day dawns and we move on. Life needs to be lived. As son puts it

Even you Dad are allowed to have some fun.

I’ve scheduled that in my diary for an afternoon in March 2024. The same can’t be said of our dog. His diary is overbooked with the joys of life. We could all learn from that approach.

Not sure his cuddly toy cat is enjoying life so much at this precise moment. It’s a sign of affection – honest.

A public service announcement has started on the radio which comes from our so called Government. It is telling people and businesses to prepare for Brexit on the 31st October. That’s a laugh as our Monty Python Gumby Leaders couldn’t even prepare a cup of tea. I suspect prepare means stockpile water, food and medicines. Our dog has started stockpiling toys.

So faced with a mountain of work, a misfiring laptop and more helpful advice from the Government I did the only sensible thing. Go for a run. Yes I know I’m not supposed to run for another few months but bugger it. A few minutes later I’m running over the autumnal fields. Coming in the other direction was a group of ramblers. Must have been about 20 of them. I wasn’t planning on saying hello to each one of them so I opted for one shouted hello. Unfortunately at the very moment I slipped and shouted s**t. After that faux pas I ended up saying sorry and hello twenty times.

A bit later I came to a fence. Do I climb it or do I be a pillock and jump it. Mr Pillock it is then. Amazingly the body cleared the fence unfortunately the shorts didn’t. Ripped asunder. Suddenly the run became very air conditioned. Better head back down the back lane – bound to be empty. Can you imagine how thrilled I was to reintroduce myself to the party of 20 ramblers coming in the other direction. It was chilly so they wouldn’t have seen much. Wouldn’t have seen much at the best of times really. Anyway I ran past them with a running gait best described as a duck waddle.

So life continues. We move on. Somedays we will be sad but we owe it to those not here to live.

Terrible Poetry

It’s time to shake the very fabric of time and space with a bit of Terrible Poetry hosted by Chelsea Owens. This week the challenge is:

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Infinitely improbable, you say? Don’t panic! Read my basic outline on what every pan-dimensional being expects from bad poetry in my Blogger’s Guide to the Terribleness. Aim for a little lower than self-throttling by one’s own intestine; a little higher than Vogon.

Here are the specifics for this side of the galaxy:

  1. The Topic is towels. Do you know where yours is?
  2. The Length is up to the budding artist (you).
  3. Rhyming is optional.
  4. Just make it terrible. As you clear your throat for a recitation, the entire Vogon fleetmust flee in …well, in an organized, bureaucratic fashion after completing the necessary paperwork.
  5. How risqué can a towel get? I wouldn’t dare ask Adams that, but I think we can keep things PG or friendlier.

You have till 8:00 a.m. MST next Friday (September 13) to submit a poem to Chelsea.

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My friend stayed at a Trump Hotel and pinched one of the towels

When the President finds out he will give him one of those scowls

On the Vice Presidents visit to Ireland he stayed at another Trump Hotel

I wonder if he had a towel in his bag when he bid the hotel farewell

Now the army has to bunk at Trumps Golf Resort in Scotland

Hundreds of fluffy white ones will go missing as mistakes are not learned

Poor Donald looses so many towels I hope he has a good supplier

Probably from China but he won’t know as he is such a crap buyer

And I wonder as Trump played golf while Hurricane Dorian continued to magnify

What was he thinking as he dried his grip with one of the finest towels money can buy

The phone

A couple of miles from our village a large TV event has been taking place. Something like 20000 people have been attending. But we haven’t seen a soul. The dog walk felt like we had the land to ourselves. Isolation.

This summer is probably going to be my most isolated ever (so far). Outside our gang I would be amazed if I have spoken more than 30 words to the outside world. Probably had more conversations with the plants (weeds) in our garden. It really is starting to show. Even something as simple as buying a couple of entry tickets leaves me a gibbering wreck.

Not had a single conversation with anyone in the village in months, Suspect the village are celebrating that. Even the postman has gone into stealth mode. Absolutely no sign of the neighbours.

A few years back I remember a clinician telling us that we should probably get used to the idea of becoming isolated. Get used to your own company. She had seen a lot of parents in our position get cut off from friends and the outside world. That seemed fine as I had my soul partner with me. Didn’t realise how applicable own company would become.

This afternoon I checked if our phone was still working. It’s not rung once during the entire school holidays. In fact my mobile has only had two brief work calls. As the months go on my isolation from the world gathers pace. I’m not sure if that scares me or delights me. It’s got to the stage that I’m not sure if anyone would notice if I replaced the phone with a large bust of Boris Johnson. Probably not.

I would hope that the Boris bust would become a favourite cock a leg spot for the dog. Suppose I would need to move it outside. Wonder if Boris would tell the migrating birds to bugger off back to their own country. Sorry should really give Boris his full name

Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson.

Ironically Boris wasn’t born in this country. Given his position on immigration maybe he should send himself back to America. Anyway I bet his phone rings more times than mine. A man who currently wants the UK to be isolated Internationally probably doesn’t understand what isolation really means.

Maybe I should offer my services. I could be the Governments expert on isolation. I did think about being the Government expert on talking gibberish but they have already got that position well and truly covered.

Hadrians Wall

This is the final instalment of our unscripted and unplanned day trip. So far we have ventured to Kielder Forest and Kielder Water. So where next. After a series of left and right turns we are driving along a road when.

Dad stop. That most be Hadrians Wall. Ok it could be a farm wall. But it looks Roman to me.

It was the famous Roman Wall and ten minutes later we were trying to find a parking place at a Roman Fort.

Dad this is really busy. Too busy.

Luckily after buying tickets (while son hid in the car) I was able to find an alternate way onto the site avoiding the crowds. Hopefully the sheep in the neighbouring field didn’t mind us trespassing too much. It would have been such a shame for our son to miss this piece of ancient history.

Housesteads Roman Fort was built around 124AD to help defend Hadrians Wall. The wall was 73 miles long and stretched across Northern England from the Tyne to Solway Firth. It marked the northern boundary of the Roman Empire.

When it was constructed the wall was up to 20ft tall.

Housesteads is the most complete Roman fort in Britain. It stands on a stunning Northumberland escarpment. Can’t think of a more stunning location for a history lesson.

I wonder what the Romans would have made of me. Aspergers wasn’t even a word back then.

Before I could say anything he smiled and said.

Maybe they would have just said he’s on whatever Nero is on.

Back to the Fort tour. Son had obviously banked a considerable amount of information about this Fort from somewhere. No need for a guidebook.

As son was lost in a dream I wandered around the Fort silently with him. Trying to imagine what the site would have been like almost 2000 years ago. Good job the Romans installed steam underfloor heating. Would need it in summer never mind winter. Then another thought. All those years later and we are still trying to build walls. Put up barriers to try and protect our way of life. Have we learned nothing in all those years. Actually our PM is increasingly Nero like. A few other countries have their very own modern day Nero’s.

George RR Martin has revealed that Hadrians Wall provided the inspiration for Game of Thrones. The imagery of the book and it’s Wall are strong and echo that of a Hadrians Wall all those years ago. Romans stood on a huge wall marking the very edge of their civilisation. That view to the unconquerable northern lands must have been truly frightening.

Dad it’s funny when you think about it. The Romans would probably now be standing in the opposite direction, looking South and thinking the same frightening thing. A strange, scary land.

Yes England seems to have gone completely barking mad. Looking into England is a very scary prospect.

And with that we head back home. The road trip has been a great success. Especially as I only thought we would be having a random visit to somewhere local in Yorkshire.

Dad I’ve decided we need to have more road trips to make sure I visit the 12 new places. One needs to be to Scotland. Sorry Dad that might mean we are setting off before we go to bed.

News but not as you know i

Let’s try and lift the spirits from the last domestic post. Lonely does not want to meet the current news.

How often do you wake up. Make a cup of coffee. Then think I wonder what’s on the news. Then two minutes later you think – why did I bother. We live in a time of thoroughly dispiriting news. You also get the impression that the news has been carefully selected and filtered for you. If that wasn’t bad enough then often the news is the news. FAKE NEWS.

Well today we tried something different. No checking of the mainstream news. But what could we do instead. Let’s source our own news. That way we can live in whatever land or time or event or world we want to. Son got the first go.

Wrestling News.

  • Apparently a family has won the world thumb wrestling championship.
  • A good wrestler might go heel.
  • A bad guy wrestler might shave of his beard and go good.
  • Lots of wrestlers are going on a wrestling cruise.
  • Will the Demon fight another Demon at Summerslam.
  • A wrestler has a bad injury. But wait it’s a story line so they will be better for the next big Pay Per View event. It’s a miracle.
  • Another wrestler has a new hairstyle.

I can live with this. Absolutely no feeling of despair. Life is so much easier when it’s all a storyline.

Then we tried another type of News. Pokemon.

  • Pesky Team Rocket have apparently taken over lots of Poke Stops.
  • Apparently you can catch a shiny Koffing.
  • Lots of details about a Pokemon Go Community Day.
  • It’s your last chance to get an Armoured MewTwo. You have been warned.
  • Soon there is going to be a Sleep Snorlax Event.

Give me one good reason why this news world is not the one you should wake up to everyday.

Then I tried one. News on Captain Scarlet. Unbelievably nothing on the worlds greatest hero. What is the world coming to. So son tried another. Marvel

  • Endgame is the highest ever grossing movie beating Avatar. Is it me or was Avatar the most overrated pile of CGI pants.
  • Apparently Valkyrie’s real superpower is going to be revealed.
  • Black Widow is going to sort out Taskmaster. I thought she was dead…
  • Thor is coming back but this time Thor is a female. Cool.
  • The worlds funniest and greatest ever villain Loki is getting his own TV show. My toes are curling up with excitement already.

It’s a world of super intergalactic villains and with our planet repeatedly being almost vapourised by aliens. Yet every time larger than life heroes come to our rescue. Unbelievably that world sounds safer and less crazy than our own world.

One last news visit, let’s go Gerbil News. Expecting nothing but got a brief glimpse into a parallel universe.

  • Hungry gerbil rescued by Army Police in Derby.
  • Woman caught hiding 24 Gerbils up her skirt on a flight from China.
  • Gerbils replace rats as the main cause of the Black Death.
  • Richard Gere and the Gerbil. Don’t look this up but please tell me it’s not true.
  • Barnsley stages Olympics for Gerbils. 7 years ago but why wasn’t this subject to wall to wall TV coverage.
  • After the Mastermind Gerbil scandal we look at other game show fiascos.

So today we have completely avoided the fake news and feel so relaxed. I’m sure when we look again the world will be still messed up. It will still be burning. The rich getting richer and the poor still getting dumped on. Men with strange hairstyles and large egos will still be trying to take us back to the feudal times. But if we look just a little harder then the mist clears and the real world reveals itself. Tell me it’s not a better place.

Horror Show

So our glorious leader Bonkers Boris has held his first cabinet. And it is truly glorious

  • Leadership provided by Bluffer Boris a man sacked multiple times for lying.
  • The person in charge of domestic security was sacked for fibbing about holding clandestine arms deals meetings with a foreign leader. Clearly we all accidentally bump into world leaders on holiday and the subject strays away from the beach talk to weapon deals.
  • The chap in charge of our kids education was sacked (with calls for him to face criminal prosecution) for leaking official secrets.
  • Several of the team would love to bring back hanging and fox hunting.
  • The Foreign Secretary apparently thinks feminists are obnoxious bigots.
  • A transport secretary who has his own private jet.
  • A rich member who thought a dying benefit claimant who was sanctioned for being 4 minutes late for an appointment – should learn the art of timekeeping.
  • Another who has recently been found in to be in contempt of Parliament. Something which seems to be a badge of honour.
  • The person in charge of housing loves the idea of a bedroom tax.
  • A Security Minister who spectacularly cocked up his own Parties Conference security leading to a significant personal data breach for a number of high profile targets.
  • A multi millionaire who claimed expenses of 49p for some milk yet struggled to correctly declare £400000 of outside earnings.
  • Another rich member who thinks people using food banks are not poor.
  • And this obnoxious thing

But we have hope.

In a far off realm a group of brave heroes hold their first shadow cabinet meeting. Ready to come to our countries need in its darkest hour. Modern day King Arthur and his Knights.

Ok one of the heroes clearly keeps falling asleep. But it’s hard work being this good. And not a top hat in sight. I suspect it would be shredded within seconds.

Maybe you have similar heroes who are poised to save your country. I think we all could do with special ones who are beyond reproach and who we can truly believe in. We certainly need a smile at the very least.

Terrible Poetry the Rodents are here

The wonderful Chelsea Owens has a weekly Terrible Poetry Contest. This week she has openly said that she is trying to tease one of our entrants, but don’t tell him“. Just have a look at the topic.

“Hello poets, and welcome to the 31st Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest!

Read the basic how-to about what we do around here if you’re confused. If you don’t want to click a link and read an outline, that’s cool. You can also stay up all night and write whatever comes out before drinking coffee.

Besides that, here are the specifics for this week:

  1. Just to be inclusive, the Topic is small rodents’ opinions on political policies.
    I am a moderate and do not approve of anyone shaming, judging, hating, or blaming others for their views; but the politicians themselves are free game.
  2. Don’t filibuster for too long. Keep the Length to 200 words or fewer.
  3. Rhyme if it makes your constituents happy. Or, just promise to.
  4. Most importantly: Make it terrible. In fact, make “Make it terrible” your slogan. Slap “Make it terrible” stickers on babies and kiss their sweet mothers for the camera.
  5. I realize this sort of thing can raise some blood pressures, so keep your poem PG or cleaner. After all, in rodent politics they don’t actually want fur to fly.

You have till 8:00 a.m. MST next Friday (June 28) to submit a poem.”

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The US wants to build a really big wall

It’s to keep bad folk out maybe like Darth Maul

Paris is a beautiful place full of Yellow Vests

A great city to visit especially if you like protests

Canada seemed to have a charismatic leader

Now he seems tainted to the lay reader

The UK is run by a bunch of useless buffoons

Soon to become no more than Trumps spittoon

Clearly we are being failed by our politicians

Yet our rodents have untapped political ambitions

They want to address Climate Change

Rodents want positive action not wasting time on the golf range

They are not happy with our leaders looking after the rich only

Rodents will favour the poor and make sure the rich feel very lonely

They see that nationalism has disastrous consequences

Rodents will build bridges not really big fences

Politicians like to feed on your souls

Rodents like to munch on your toilet rolls

The ruling elite need to tremble

As its time for the Gerbils to Assemble

Terrible Poetry Contest

I’m still thinking about a new hobby. Maybe I should try poetry. As son says ‘more time spent writing poems means less time to burn things in the kitchen’. Any way I’m going to have another go at Chelsea Owens weekly terrible poetry competition.

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Here are the specifics for this week:

  1. The Topic is a repeated number. Pick a number, any number, and use it a lot throughout your poem.
    Besides children singing pop songs, I loathe when I have to sit through everyone using the same prompt word for 500 entries. So, irritate me.
  2. Keep the Length shorter than 150 words, so I don’t jump out any windows.
  3. Please Rhyme in terribly, horribly, no-good, very bad ways.
  4. If you can’t tell already, make it terrible. I want crazy people to look at you in fear and for the survivors of Lostto beg you not to repeat that same number again…
  5. Keep things PG or cleaner; there’s no need for crude numerals.

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Again I am hampered with the PG rating. Maybe I should pick a subject which doesn’t make my blood boil. Maybe it’s Gerbils next week. Well it’s a blood boiler this week. It’s the fiasco which is called the UK Government and the ongoing new PM selection process – that’s the one that doesn’t involve the general public.

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Two years for Brexit

Two years and still no exit

Two Prime Minister candidates left

Two Blokes from the right

Two Privileged Backgrounds

Two supporters of hunting with Foxhounds

Two so called men of the people

Two big personalities who loath the townspeople

Two prize A buffoons

Two politicians so easy to lampoon

Two conservatives who love the tycoon

Two elitists who exist for the silver spoon

Two visions which only bring despair and gloom

Two numpties living in a policy vacuum

Two muppets who are so out of tune

Sadly one to be PM in June.

I’ve got my eye on you

Currently we have 11 very wise sages (now 12) who want to be our new Prime Minister. Aptly my spell checker wants to change wise sages to sausages. Apart from Brexit what do they offer. No idea. All they talk about is Brexit. They play a game. Remember that guessing game. I will name that song in 10 seconds. Well I will name it in 9 seconds. I can name it in 8 seconds…. Well they are doing that with Brexit. I can get us out by December. Well I will get us out by November. Boris will get us out be October… Apart from Brexit we don’t hear much else. The chap who looks after the police for months he has been saying rising crime levels has nothing to do with resource cuts … well now if he becomes PM apparently he will give them more money because crime levels are rising. Figure that one out.

Anyway we don’t get a say in the new Prime Minister. Why should we, we only live here and pay our taxes. Basically the 330 Conservative MPs (the ones who have demonstrated a complete lack of any idea how to get us out of this mess) get the first go. If they can’t do something resembling Julius Caesar and his last night comeuppance then we go to stage 2. The 120000 Conservative Party Members then get a vote. So bugger the other 69,804,206 good people. So while the lucky few indulge themselves the rest of us watch the country fall apart.

My child is autistic. He wants to be like the other kids. He wants to go to school to learn. A Mainstream School is the best place for him to do that. But to do that he needs some additional support. Not asking for the world just a bit more support here and there. But the government and the council have cut the Special Needs Funding. We have been waiting 2 years to see a specialist. Our school won’t offer him a place. The council has cut his transport service. He’s been at home for months and now I’m told the only two options are a special school miles away or no schooling at all.

Not me another parent on the radio at the weekend. Over 1 million kids in England have some form of Special Educational Need. Yet Government policy is to ignore them. Assign them to the scrap heap. See them as an easy budget savings target. To focus on our son for a few seconds

  • Dyslexia Support – none
  • Aspergers Educational Support – some additional funding secured but this has to be used to pay for some additional non teaching support for the whole school and not tailored to his needs
  • Aspergers Health Support – did secure access to counselling support but due to cut backs he is now seen as a low priority and that support has dried up
  • Bereavement support – a couple of pamphlets and still on the waiting list – that’s coming up for 3 years now

The government principle appears to be it’s not a problem for the us, it’s not our job, it’s the parents job so just own it. So while the lucky few get to play a fun Machiavellian lets pick a leader game – Rome Burns for many. When we get a new leader – nothing will change. We might even pour some more petrol on the flames.

I really don’t know what the answer is. I don’t see things changing for the better. For the rest of our sons school years it is going to be a constant struggle. We will have to do our best and see what happens. Fighting our case. Trying to make our voices heard. Keeping our eyes on our so called leaders.

Maybe it’s time for the Gerbils to Assemble.

Our own party

When it comes to elections I let our son decide my vote. It’s not really my world anymore. It’s his generations world. He decides.

So we have Local and European elections coming up. For ages we don’t hear from the politicians then suddenly our letterbox fills with promotional leaflets. I have kept them to one side for our son to look at.

I hand him what is left of one leaflet – not much at all really. Very badly chewed. But we think it’s an independent candidate.

Clearly the dog doesn’t like that candidate. So he’s not getting our vote”

Next is an independent candidate still in one piece. I went through what he stood for.

Apart from he was born in Yorkshire that makes no sense what’s so ever. No idea what that meant so no vote here”

Next up was a very Right Wing Candidate.

He looks an awful person”

We went through his leaflet.

He is an awful person, no vote”

We’ve not had anything from the Labour Party Candidates.

Well if they can’t be bothered to tell us what they are going to do THEN we can’t be bothered to vote for them. Shame because I would like to vote for them. That teams Leader (Corbyn) sometimes says the best things but sometimes is a bit stupid”

Then we had the Liberal Democrat Candidate.

“She looks a really nice person. She’s a mum and she wants to improve the environment and help the schools. She is honest saying we need to pay more taxes to pay for it. She has one of our votes”

Then it’s the two Conservative Candidates.

These photos clearly make them look like they are going hunting for Pheasants. They keep saying that they are going to improve services and yet they say they are going to slash taxes. Do they think we are stupid. No votes”

That’s a good job because I ain’t voting for a party containing the odious May, Gove, Johnson, Hunt, Raab, Rees-Moog.….

Then we have a candidate who is just in favour of Brexit.

All she talks about is that she wants to leave Europe as soon as possible but doesn’t say anything about what happens after that. No vote”

“Are the Greens competing”

Don’t know, not seen anything from them.

Shame we can’t get Greta to be our leader”

She would certainly get my vote.

Maybe the Greens and the Reds (Labour) should merge to form the Browns. That sounds like a great party”.

So we have only one candidate selected. These elections we get more than one vote.

“Right we need to setup our own party. With a bit of touching up you can be the face of the party (said with a very big giggle)”

What shall we stand for. These days people will vote for anything silly”

How about being a single issue party. Let’s keep it really simple. Let’s pinch something from Spongebob. How about our issue being – free Krabby patties for all.

That’s a winner. When you are elected you can work with that nice Liberal candidate and you can start changing the world”

So tomorrow we start saving the planet, today I need to find a heap of makeup and start the touching up process……