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Longest

You know summer has gone when you return from an evening mad dog walk and you opt for a hot chocolate rather than a cold drink. Tonight was back to back drinks, that’s proper chilly.

“Dad we should go for a really long walk. Take Captain Chaos with us.”

That’s a big call for Hawklad. That might mean lots of gates to navigate without touching, increases the risk of meeting others. Needs to be carefully mapped out and planned. So maybe we could try to walk a bit further on the evening walk. It’s definitely quiet and I know exactly where the gates are.

Maybe he is thinking about building bridges. Getting use to being out in the big bad world again.

“No Dad we need to go much further but definitely when it’s quiet. It’s nothing to do with meeting people again.”

Ok then we might need to get up at dawn. Does he want to go anywhere in particular.

Apparently not. He just wants a long walk. Maybe it’s just a fitness thing. Maybe he thinks the four legged one needs more exercise.

Apparently not as well. So why does he want the long walk. Actually he wants his longest ever walk.

“It’s really about you Dad”

Oh I never saw that coming. Is he thinking I need to get out more. Maybe start hill walking again.

“No Dad. I was thinking this afternoon about my longest ever. Do you remember it. You took me when I had just started school for a short walk on the army land. You got lost and didn’t bother bringing a map because you didn’t need one. 5 hours later we got back to the car. Do you remember it rained and I didn’t have my coat as you said that I didn’t need one. We didn’t have any food or water. At one stage a soldier told us get back on the path”

Oh yes I remember that….

“I was thinking that my longest ever walk should have a purpose and not just be about my Dad being a muppet.”

He knows me to well……

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Crime and punishment

The sun sets on another day. Closer to another school at home week. Yes that’s right – no return to the classroom yet. Actually that might not be such a bad thing.

I’ve mentioned this before but I find some of the syllabus just completely baffling.

Hawklad loves History. He really loves History. I’ve never seen him ever find History anything other than awesome. He has a passion for it. Until now. Until the School History Programme. One third of the course is on Crime and Punishment. So far he has spent weeks learning about Jack The Ripper, Victorian violent crime and Capital Punishment. He has months more of this to come.

Yesterday Hawklad said that he was finding this all seriously disturbing. It was making him really anxious and stressed out. A few phrases struck home

“I found some of the images really disturbing.”

“Some of the crime descriptions and autopsy details I just can’t get out of my mind.”

“It’s putting me off History…..”

This is school history, it’s not criminology, it’s not a Stephen King Horror Novel. I know history will often have to cover really distressing topics but does that really have to include graphic details about a notorious serial killers crimes. Yes they are graphic….. Of all the history in the world to go for and the Authorities had to pick this. I know the Government has a bit of a fetish about Victorian times. They like to hark back to ‘good old’ Victorian Values. Why… Is it about the unrestrained power of the rich that is appealing or is it the downtrodden lifestyles of those without. Maybe it’s those in charge liking the idea of having Victorian punishment regimes at their finger tips. But whatever the reason, do we really have to suck our children’s education into this area as well.

“It’s putting me of History”. A subject he loves. Not on my watch…..

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Sky

That’s a sky…. It was definitely a stand and look up sky……

So the school at home week closes. That was a struggle. The worry is that Hawklad feels jaded already, his Dad isn’t far behind. That’s after week ONE…

A week in which only fragments of the school teaching programme has found its way here.

So we have two subjects teachers that have started having direct contact with Hawklad. One just to say sorry that Hawklad had been forgotten about and they will try to better soon. The other subject actually provided all the class questions looked at. The other subjects have been largely silent leaving on what is expected of him leaving this up to the Dream Team to figure out what to do. So with a bit more WORK for me to do this week coinciding with sadly even less sleep – YEP it’s been a struggle.

Hawklad’s anxieties have definitely increased since school returned. Yes he’s at home but it’s still impacting on him. He’s been struggling even more when he’s been outside as well. The thing that school don’t seem to understand is that this is not just about COVID. There are so many interconnected themes playing out here. So yes the news that Hawklad’s age group will soon receive one dose of a vaccine is welcome but not the answer. It will reduce the COVID risk but definitely NOT eliminate it. Double vaccinated people are still being impacted by the virus. He knows that.

So we soldier on. Let’s see what happens at this coming weeks counselling session. We make the best of school until things change. I definitely need to re-find my mojo.

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Amazon

Not The Amazon just a sunny Yorkshire evening. A chilly evening. Autumn is definitely here.

Amazon. Oh what a fun shopping experience. Ok the buying bit isn’t that bad now. Usually they have what I need and it arrives in one piece. All except vinyl that seems to have been sat on by an elephant. Occasionally you get the delights of tracking a next day delivery as it slowly wander in and out of the country. On its very own magical mystery tour. Sometimes the wrong item arrives. Sometimes it’s delivered but not here…… But it’s generally ok.

Returns are another matter. Talk about pulling what’s left of my hair out. So last night with some trepidation I tried the Amazon Paperless Return process. An email was sent with a random ink stain image which was apparently all I needed. So with that image on my phone, the elephant warped LP in hand I headed to the nearest drop off location. A petrol station 5 miles away. A really really helpful young till assistant decided I had the face of someone who can’t even work a toaster never mind an online system. I should have whispered that I have a degree in computing….. Never really got the chance as she quickly took over with a smile. She was probably bored out of her mind and this at least broke the monotony of the evening shift. Ominously she warned that the easy and seamless return system was a ‘pigging nightmare’. The all knowing ink stain image was scanned after about 10 minutes of increasingly comical arm movements. Then the paperless system needed to print off a paper label……. It jammed. Then jammed again. Kept jamming and eating labels. An increasing pile of useless labels took over the floor. 30 minutes later we abandoned as we had used up the last label. The next batch of labels wouldn’t apparently arrive until next Thursday.

So today I will return to the petrol station with a label which I have printed out and will have another go at using this paperless Amazon system…..

That’s progress for you.

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As good as it’s got

It’s been a funny old summer. Most odd. For some reason the only thing growing here has been weeds and the lawn. Actually it was a spectacular year for nettles.

In terms of garden produce this is about as good as it’s got.

Is this it. Is this as good as it gets.

My hopes and dreams would definitely say NO, so much more to come. The tired mind and body today might give a different answer. Sometimes I feel stuck. Caught in an endless loop. Two steps forward then two steps back. No clear route to my dreams. Lots of effort and then a few weeks later I’m still stood in the same place.

But then I drag my body to the back fence and I look at a particular tree. A tree that had come to represent so much in my life. A tree that is battered and bruised. Storm after storm. A couple of direct lightning strikes to boot. Once accidentally hit by a farm tractor.

Definitely a lob sided tree, stood alone on an exposed hill.

Yet it’s still here. It still stands proud. Every day I can see it in the distance.

One day maybe the rainbow will land on that tree. It certainly deserves that.

So yes I might be tired and frustrated today but that tree has reminded me to keep going. Change might not come today, but tomorrow is not set in stone. It could just happen. Hopes and Dreams most definitely still in play.

Is this it. Is this as good as it gets. LETS SEE ABOUT THAT.

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New

If I keep my eyes open on the mad dog walk, I always discover something new…

So another school at home day. The pattern seems set. For each lesson something appears on the school system which can be accessed remotely. Maybe a one page document to read. Maybe a few random questions. Maybe a link to something on the web but with no signposts about why he is visiting the site. Maybe an unclear project. Whatever it is there are no instructions, no timescales, no indication of what is expected. We don’t even know if Hawklad is expected to return any work. No contact from any teacher.

So if he finishes within a few minutes what does Hawklad do for the remaining hour or so of the lesson. If he submits any work will it be even looked at.

Maybe the teachers are distracted by other issues but it does increasingly feel like school has given up on Hawklad.

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Monday Mornings are a pain

The farm fields are now ploughed. The Autumn School Term has started. So the early alarm calls have heralded even less sleep. Another week of school at home. I had forgotten the frustrations. Hawklad hanging around for stuff to do. The time lost searching for files and waiting for teachers to respond to queries. Trying to find the right colour pen and then one that actually works. Trying to filter out areas that might spike Hawklad’s anxieties. Then watching the online system and Microsoft Teams crash.

Oh how have we missed this….

I needed to de-stress. So it’s time for MINDFULNESS. Somedays it’s works, other days not so. Today’s free mediation video was different. Lie down on the floor. Relax the body. Clear the mind. Slow the breathing down. So far so good. But then the slightly intimidating Hannibal Lector voice tells me to focus on my right foot – how does it feel. Then my right leg. Then my left leg. How is my abdomen feeling. Then my tummy. What are they feeling, what is the sensation. Then my back, my chest, my shoulders, my arms, my hands. Finally my mouth, my nose, my ears my eyes and the top of my head. I should be calm and relaxed now. Well that’s what Hannibal said….

Well to me not so. I remembered stubbing my toe, my toe hurts. I remembered my knee I had overstretched during that morning weight training session. I felt my IBS playing up, I noticed by tummy feeling bloated. My back was definitely stiff. My left shoulder which has been dislocated several times was sore. I could feel the finger I had burnt cooking, I could feel the paper cut on my thumb. I found an annoying bit of food between my teeth. My ear was itchy. AND my left buttock had gone to sleep on the hard floor. Basically my body hurts, pointing that out Hannibal, how is that supposed to relax me. Seriously.

Yes Mondays are painful.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 51 Comments

They’re at it….

What on earth is going on the conservatory window. And yes the conservatory needs tidying up. Out of focus dinosaur toys have taken over.

So it’s the first full week back at school for families in our area. Already many children have taken the quick but problematic virus test. Our Government is really pushing them while other countries are deeply sceptical of the test we use. Even our own Doctor Groups have expressed concerns. Some parents are refusing to let their children take them. Some schools have run out of the test kits. But the tests are the only precaution left in our schools.

From the parent comments on our school’s forum, a number of children have tested positive and are waiting a full test. A number of parents are isolating due to contracting Covid. But the Government rules have changed. Schools are not allowed to track potential cases without the approval from the authorities. They are not allowed to notify parents of potential or confirmed cases. Parents will only be notified if the number of cases escalates beyond a set national threshold. It seems odd that if a child has head lice then other parents are immediately notified but no notification now with an infectious disease. It also seems bizarre that under the current rules a child who tests negative using the inaccurate quick tests must still attend class even if that child’s parents have Covid, and if the child’s siblings have Covid.

Not an ideal backdrop for Hawklad to be wrestling with going back to school or not. He is still struggling with crowds. Still struggling with OCD. Still struggling to touch objects. Still struggling to venture inside.

School have said that they will try to be flexible about his return but do they really get it . His health professionals recommended a number of changes to help but these have not been acted upon. We asked if he could be put into classes with at least a few friends to help his potential return. Most of his classes have now been announced and guess what. Where are his friends……NOT in his class. It’s as if they had tried to put him in the worst class groupings possible. Let’s hope that the last two subjects fair better. Classes are full, the year is over allocated and unless a pupil leaves then switches can’t happen apparently.

Yes they’re at it again…. And it’s not helping.

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Anniversaries

Another year and another anniversary. Time passes. It never stops. It never stops.

These words will go live almost 5 years to the minute when I received that call from the Hospice. That conversation has faded into the mists of time now. I remember just a few words “I am so sorry”.

The first two anniversaries were so tough. I was in a bleak place. I couldn’t understand why my time had stopped but the world kept turning. It never missed a beat. How could that be possible. One thought dominated. Why her, why not me. The wrong person went. Over an over, the same thought. I was kinda rooted to the spot. No dreams left intact. Living purely through the eyes of our son.

Now it’s 5 years. What does an anniversary feel like now.

More like any other day. Does that sound bad….Even for me time doesn’t stop. Yes some moments spent remembering. Maybe not enough moments. But I know now. Those times have gone. The good and bad times. Just memories now. Time has moved on. I have moved on. New Dreams. Time moves on.

I won’t lie to you. Yes I still sometimes think -‘maybe it should have been me’. But……There is a phrase that can grind on me but in this case it’s true.

It is what it is.

Yes it is. That’s how it’s worked out. I can’t change it.

Memories are in the past, locked in time. I need to deal with today. Yes it’s an anniversary but it’s also another parenting day. Time doesn’t stop, even on an anniversary. Yes hopefully time for memories but also time to dream.

So how does this anniversary feel. Important YES but i realise it’s just about the past. Important but not as important living. So what does it feel like. It feels like today. It feels like the gateway to the future.

Memories will come but forgive me I need to dream first.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 27 Comments

And then

Another sign of the approaching Autumn Term. Plenty of insects on the windows. Yes this one is superimposed on the big boy cats butt.

The day has dawned. In hours Hawklad is due back in the classroom. One email from school informing parents that school Covid safeguards have been relaxed apart from some testing. The school day will start with all children undertaking a Covid self test. Then the Year will gather for a school assembly in the main hall. After about 3 hours lessons will then commence.

No specific contact from school about Hawklad.

No discussions on tailoring a return.

No chance for Hawklad to do another pre school visit.

School haven’t even specifically asked if Hawklad is returning.

So what is Hawklad doing?

The thought of 3 hours of being in the small main hall with something like 120 other pupils without masks has really bothered him. Bothers me….. No specific plans have been agreed with school. Nothing in place to help with his potential return. Under those circumstances he can’t return. So I have informed school that he is working from home today.

It doesn’t help that it’s an anniversary……

Let’s see if school offer anything today. At least the timetable and class details will be published. Hawklad has said he will decide on Saturday. At present he feels that he can’t return. If that’s the case then it’s a question about is the a temporary hold or the permanent switch to homeschooling.

It’s such a mess.