It’s December. Its still sunny and its that time of year when you watch those movies you wouldn’t dream of watching during the rest of the year. It was like that before the world changed. It’s like that after the world changed.
But one teeny weeny request.
Please filmmakers and TV schedulers can we try not to do Christmas movies that at some stage involves death. Death of a parent, death of a lover, death of a pet, death of a main character. Last year we watched festive movies which without warning introduced the mum dying (3x), the dad dying (x1), grandparent dying (x1) and the family pet dying (x2). Really it’s CHRISTMAS. I know it’s hard to believe but many of us out here in viewing land will be going through grief. But it doesn’t stop there. I remember our son saying this during one particularly happy start to a film.
Why is it that so many films have a single dad whose either bad tempered, drinking and gambling. And the child who is behaving badly, has no friends and is being bullied. It’s never just a nice dad and child who are doing ok just a bit sad.
So what’s the answer apart from watch Guardians of the Galaxy on loop. Oh hang on that’s got a mum death. Ok apart from watching Big Hero 6 on loop. Oh hang on the robot dies. Ok part from watching Muppets Christmas Carol on loop.
Well the answer is a new movie classification system. One which actually tells you what the movie is really about. So for example if a PG movie contains a parent death you could label it PG-PD. Or if a pet dies it could be labelled PG-PED. Or if a loveable main character dies PG-LMCD. So as a parent I would be pre informed of the upcoming sadness. That way I can make an informed decision on if we should find another film.
So Big Hero 6 would be classified in the UK as PG-LMCD. Guardians of the Galaxy would be 12-PD.
But the new movie classification system could go further. Suddenly the movie watcher could be truly enlightened.
-JWTT all the best bits are in the movie trailer (Just Watch The Trailer)
-F movie contains super delicious looking Food (helpful for those trying to stick to a diet)
-A movie contains alcohol drinking (for those trying to give up)
-K movie contains Kissing (this ones for our Son, he doesn’t like kissing)
-ET movie contains Expensive Toys which kids may start wanting
-S movie contains Snakes and Spiders (useful for Ophidiophobia and Arachnophobia)
-L movie is Long so you had better go on the toilet before hand
-I movie is so boring that it’s a cure for Insomnia
-TD movie contains a Transport accident or Disaster (for those travelling tomorrow)
-AC movie contains Alvin and The Chipmunks
-NPCS this ones really important to stop wasting 10 minutes waiting for the Credits to finish at the end of the movie. It’s always a bit awkward being the only ones left in the cinema. No Post Credit Scene.
-W movie contains a Wrestler trying to act (think Hulk Hogan)
-WR movie contains The Rock acting (we like him)
-ANS movie has Action but No Story so you can safely fast forward between the action scenes
-HD movie claims to be true but is Historically Dodgie (think Braveheart)
-Q movie is very Quiet so probably not a good idea to get a mega sized popcorn tub
-U2 movie contains a grotesque playing of a Bono song.