Looks wonderful yet a couple of yours later stood 30 yards down the path and it’s looking not so hot. Two different views.

School argues that son is doing really well. His behaviour is excellent. He works really hard. His grades are good. Often best in the class. He has plenty of friends thanks to the actions of the teachers. Last year one teacher told us that in her subject he should really be in the top set. No additional help required. Yet when I ask why other kids are moved up but never our son the response is so different. Oh he’s low attainment, the bottom class is right for him. Other kids are better at reading. So which is the real view then.

One minor point. Just sitting son next to random kids doesn’t count as establishing real friends.

I had a chat with our sons doctor last week. We discussed how son was increasingly struggling with social interactions. How he tried to avoid them. His Doctor said that it was important that he wasn’t pushed into doing anything he wasn’t comfortable with. Make progress at his own speed and avoid being put in highly stressful situations. He also stressed that he had written to school asking for dyslexia support for son and also stressed that any support should not take place in the classroom (it needed to be undertaking in private). However. School are insisting that as part of English son has to regularly read out sections of text to the wider school audience. It will be good for his dyslexia and his personal confidence. They also argue that it will help him integrate. So which view is right.

I was reading a blog yesterday which talked about grief and Christmas. It talked about this time being the perfect for renewal and celebrating wonderful memories. It’s a wonderful time. Yet the next blog I looked at talked about the desolation of Christmas for the bereaved. How it was a time for trying to forget and just surviving. So which view is right.

An American Doctor was on the TV talking about Autism. He had been working on a cure. He was confident that in the coming years Autism would be completely treatable. A burden on society, parents and individuals would be removed. But many like our son have a different view. It is who he is. It’s his unique personality. He doesn’t want to be cured all he wants is society to be more understanding. So which view do you trust.

My partner was in coma for the last few days of her life. At her bedside I whispered to her that I would stay faithful to her for the rest of my life. Partners for life. It was the right thing to do. Now a few years down the line what happens if I meet someone else. Say yes or no. Two different views.

Some views can be questioned. Some views can be argued with. Some views can be agreed with. Sometimes there are no right or wrong views. Sometimes seemingly genuinely held views are seen by others as dangerous and downright wrong. I will let you make your own mind up. You probably can guess what I think on some of these. At least one of these I really can’t make my mind up on. Maybe I never will.

67 thoughts on “So which view”

  2. I know of two women, now passed away, who both discussed their imminent deaths from cancer with their soon to be widowed husbands. The husband of one says his wife discussed thoroughly with him the finding of a new partner after her death. He was to give himself time to move on, then accept a new partner into his life. He found the discussions extremely difficult, but in time found a new partner and settled into a long term stable relationship. The other woman was a relative who passed away at 52, and two years later her husband settled into a long term relationship still holding steady eighteen years later. Only oblique references tell me these discussions took place between my relative and her husband, but it was very much in her nature to insist that her husband found a new partner after her death. Your partner did not have any warning of her imminent passing, or time for these discussions. However everything you say about her tells me that she would be like these women, wanting you to move on when you are ready and accept a new partner into your life. You do have the added factor of needing your son to accept her as well, and I think the openness between the two of you would help you work through this. Any woman who is not willing to take the time for this to build is not going to last in a relationship with you, as in “you the father of your autistic dyslexic son”. Allow yourself the time to think through this – which you have at the moment due to his shrinking from other human company. Once he finishes school and is not forced into an institution with hundreds / thousands (?) of other loud active human beings at close quarters for so much of the year, he may relax a little and start to accept social situation more often.

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      1. Give plenty of weight to your own intuitions too. Life for you and your son has evolved for three years since your partner passed, Three years of further experience without her, to be included in how you make your daily decisions.

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  5. Such tough dilemmas, I wish there were right and wrong answers. You will make great choices Dad. You love your son, and you have made excellent choices for you both. You are already doing so well! Reminding myself that I am already doing well takes pressure and anxiety out of the present. You got this, Dad!!

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    2. At this point in single parenting my 20-something kids that there are no wrong choices, just “choices”. We get to learn from them all. Btw- my boyfriend’s son is 17 with asperger. It is a Wild Ride of so many choices parenting those incredibly bright kids!

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  8. There’s no right or wrong views in these big situations, these ‘big’ moments in life. because these moments like everything else are moments. And it’s where we are and how we are in that moment. As you have seen and know better than anyone that way, your life was changed in several moments To return to the two blogs on bereavement, what you rereading there is how each person was different within themselves, their responses and where they were. I think there’s only knowing in a moment where you are and how you are and that can be different from where you thought you’d be. God I am going on. just trying to say, keep with it, keep with it all. Whatever happens, steer your course .

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  10. I am reminded of King Ben’s Grandma writing about Ben’s meltdown the other day. Because I related that when you are in the heat of the moment you are trying your best to deescalate the situation and keep everyone safe – you question yourself later but you know in your heart of hearts, in the moment, you’re trying your darndest for your loved ones. You’re doing that too. Trust yourself. You have the best intentions in mind and your son will always thank you.

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  12. There is no right or wrong answer. It all depends on how you feel and what you need when the time comes. When it comes to your son needing help in school, I think the help he needs depends on what your son feels like would be best for learning. I think it is wrong for the school to force him to read out loud in class. If he is struggling, it only hurts his confidence. I can’t speak for moving on after losing your wife. I can see how remembering can be helpful during the holidays even if it is hard.

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  13. You are young and so is your son. Never say never is my motto. I very much hope you will meet someone to spend your life with. Enjoy what you can of the holidays. I found some respite in having the grandkids over to bake and decorate cookies. It was a tradition that was going to be skipped this year for various reasons. I’m glad it was not. Time passes, things inevitably change and I don’t think we have any control over it. Have fun with your son and make new memories. Just my old lady advice. Hugs to you both!

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  15. Everyone has come up with some great views … there’s not much left to say.
    Bereavement – I don’t think there are any rights or wrongs, shoulds or should nots. Apparently, there is a text book process in which we are ‘supposed’ to go through our grief, but our lives aren’t textbook. Everyone is wired up differently with different experiences from birth. As others have said, I think we just have to follow our hearts and our instincts and do the best we can. Speaking as one who holds Christian beliefs, I do know that God wouldn’t want any of us to be alone/lonely. Having said that, I remember when my first husband died – I felt so guilty for just being alive when he wasn’t. It sounds illogical but we mostly can’t think logically when we’re consumed by grief. But once we have come to terms with our grief, there is nothing wrong with needing other people, whether it’s friends or a partner. We were made to love and be loved, and the love you have for the partner you lost will always be there no matter what. In time, it just won’t dominate your thinking all of the time.

    Education – I tend to side with the doctor in that your son, and children with similar conditions, shouldn’t be put under undue stress. I can see that the school may think that speaking in front of a wider audience may be a good challenge for him … but, to be honest, it would scare the living daylights out of me! I wonder if they’re keeping him in the same class because he seems to be doing so well there and they don’t want to spoil that. Does it upset him that he’s not getting moved up? It’s difficult to know their policies are on helping children with autism, etc. as they seem to keep saying different things. That is so frustrating.

    Oh, I did seem to have quite a lot to say! 😀

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  19. Is there really a right or wrong? This can be asked with so many things in life. I believe whatever it is that makes you happy and a better person is right. Wrong is what society tells us what is wrong and right. If that makes sense ? I believe your wife would want you to move on and be happy . She will always be in your heart and you will alway love her. But definitely think if she could have been able to have answered you back she would have told you to let her go and be happy. Hugs to you! This post I relate so much to. In so many ways in my life. You need to be happy .

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    1. It’s funny once a year they are supposed to meet up to go through sons case. When they do bother to turn up they just have a bust up, it goes a bit like this. Drs say that son needs much more help from school. Teachers say it’s not a health issue but an education one so back off. Drs say well your doing nothing. Teachers say well you pay for it then. Then they argue over who has the smallest budget…..

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