If I was a flower I wonder what dreams I would have.

Before my partner died I would have the occasional dream that I could remember, but not that often. My sleep would be disrupted but usually by our son. Plus back then, when there are two of you can take turns on the sleepless shifts.

Then after my partner died sleep became increasingly disrupted. Son has always had an interesting sleep pattern. Whatever we have tried has never managed to change that. Eventually the health professionals just called it – it is how it is for him, it works for him, so just run with it. Basically his mind and body are too active for sleep anything south of midnight. He will usually fall asleep between midnight and 1am. Then he will sleep until 6am until his mind and body kick into active mode again. When he was younger he would constantly wake during that time, so one of us would need to be with him to get him back to sleep. But as he’s got older he more often than not sleeps through. A couple of times a week he will still wake and I get the night visits. Checking I’m still here, wanting an answer to a question or wanting to tell me a fact.

Dad Harold (that’s Harold II) was not the last english Saxon king. William beat Harold on the 14 October 1066 but wasn’t officially crowned until the 25 December. In theory Edgar Atheling (Edgar II) was king. He had the strongest blood claim to the throne. Night Dad.

But as our son’s sleep has stabilised my dream pattern has increasingly disrupted mine. It takes an age for me to get to sleep then all to quickly a vivid dream wakes me and then that’s usually it for the night – no more sleep.

The dreams have also changed. I have had three distinct dream stages. Each stage has its own unique dream type – each night its the same sort of dream.

The reliving fond memories stage. This was the nicest, yet saddest stage. The dreams would relive completely accurately lovely memories. Maybe a holiday trip, a birthday, an early date with my partner, finding out when we we’re going to be a family….

The bizarre memory stage. Then suddenly the dreams changed. They still were based on fond memories but always morphed in some bizarre way. A dream about a lovely family trip to a petting zoo, but in the dream the cute little animals were replaced by dinosaurs – we still petted them. A dream about sledging with son on one of our few proper snow days. But in the dream the white snow had become pink.

The current dream stage. The weird/unsettling dreams. No more dreams based on real life memories. Just unsettling made up dreams. Last night for example my partner (who was pregnant) and I had gone shopping in this made up out of town shopping complex. We had gone into a huge furnishing store. We found some items we needed and I went looking for a shopping trolley. Couldn’t find any trolleys inside, so I looked out in the car park. Still no trolleys. So I walked across to the next store which was a supermarket (ASDA). They had trolleys but they needed a coin to release them. None of my coins would work. I then couldn’t find our car to get more coins. So I ran down a short slip road to the next group of shops. Here the trolleys were all vandalised. I ran down another slip road to the another shop which was a huge DIY store. They had trolleys but they wouldn’t push correctly. It took all my strength to move them a few inches. Finally I found an electronics shop which had trolleys that worked. But now as hard as I tried I just couldn’t find my way back to the first store with my partner who would be getting increasingly annoyed with me. I was now completely lost and in full panic mode. Then I woke up. Now I was completely unsettled and that was it for sleep. Too tired to read or blog. So all I could manage was to watch crappy TV and listen for the clock to tick round until son woke up.

I look back with fondness at those memory dreams. Even those bizarre Dino type memory dreams. Yes they could be sad but they where a wonderful gateway into the past. But these current dreams I really hate. No sweet memories here just my brain finding new ways to unsettle my soul. Sleep is now something I desperately need, yet I struggle to do it. It is also becoming something which brings me nothing but stress. I hate being stuck in this ever decreasing sleepless circle.

63 thoughts on “Dreams pesky dreams

  1. All these years as a mom, I still can’t sleep through the night. But I’ve always had a lousy sleep cycle–I can remember as a kid, I could never sleep at my grandparents’, or a friend’s…heck, even in my own house, if I had a nightmare, I was basically up the rest of the night. So here’s hoping that as your son gets older, he eventually manages to find his sleep pattern that allows for more than two hours at a time…and that you get more good dreams in the process… xxxxxx

    Liked by 2 people

      1. We’ll get by because we must, yes? If I can survive tomorrow dragging the boys along while Blondie sees the dentist (just a checkup, thankfully), then I think we can survive any day. xxxxx

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Well right now it sounds great to them, but even Blondie admits that three weeks is a loooooong time not being able to see anyone or get to school. She’ll for sure have homework emailed to her starting next week, and she’s got her school books and chrome book now so she can work here. We’ll see what the boys’ school does in a few days.

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  2. It may sound ‘woo woo’ but I think the collective unconscious affects us. Especially those of us who are more introverted, hermit types. People all over the world are stressing BIG TIME! Politics and panic over the coronavirus… my dreams have been really active like that too. I wake up more tired than when I went to sleep.

    We set our clocks ahead last night, but it meant nothing to me. The Bounce occurred at 4am(by the clock) but it was really 3am, like ‘normal’.

    I hope we both get some good sleep soon.🤞💌

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  3. Sorry to hear you are struggling with sleep. It’s a killer when insomnia hits and it can become really stressful. Oddly I had bizarre dreams last night involving someone who caused me a lot of pain last year. They kept appearing and each time I woke I felt really down. Dreams can really impact on your mood, as an lack of sleep. Those dreams where you are constantly chasing something and nothing quite works are common for me also, and very frustrating! Your son’s fact delivered in the early hours did make me smile. Goodness knows what questions you have to answer! ☺️
    Sending hugs 🤗
    Claire x

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Must be like a constant ‘quiz’ game in your house. I couldn’t answer anything like that on a good day, let alone when sleep derived!
        That’s so weird … mine was about a friend (who is no longer a friend) ‘s boyfriend who made my life hell last year. I could not get away from him in my dream. Really spooky x

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  4. I hate those dreams. There are nights where I wake from one and can’t go back to sleep because that is where sleep wants to take me – back to the bad dream. Those are sleepless nights. Hope you get some good sleep soon!

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  5. My son has similar sleep issues to yours. In that he’s rarely asleep by 1am. But then homeschooling means he can sleep in so he still gets his 10 hours.
    And my husband has similar sleep issues to yours. Bad dreams wake him up at least four or five times a night and he rarely gets more than five ours sleep in total.
    I worry about him. I worry about you. Wish there was something I could do to help but again I’m waiting on delivery of my magic wand.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Not having enough sleep can become so nerve-wracking. And even worse is the fear of going to sleep again and experiencing the same again… which by that fear is provoking a restless night again. A vicious circle. I hope from my heart that you find a way to find more peace for your well-needed sleep. What have you tried so far?

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I guessed you would say that. Yes, that might be the cause. It most commonly is. Too many thoughts flying around uncontrolled. I am sure you checked out therapies too. I am positive that you’ll stumble over exactly what you need to calm your thoughts down.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I often have dreams when I am trying to do something like putting my uniform on for work and I can just never get it done up. I dont even work there anymore so its even more weird. Dreams are strange things and difficult to leave behind sometimes especially when they are so real and vived. Im sure we all have them though for different reasons. Hope you sleep well tonight.

    Liked by 1 person

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