I am so thrilled that Katie and Evee have been so kind enough to write another post for me. I know from all the comments that the last one they penned was so loved. Please checkout their blog (The Grief Reality), it’s such a wonderful source of love, human spirit and hope. You might also come across another post from me there today as well.

I know how tough this post would have been to write for them. I have been feeling similar emotions about my Partner as well. They set these out so beautifully.

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Mum was always so protective of her daughters. If we came home from school crying about being bullied, she’d be straight on the phone to the headteacher even if we begged her to just forget it. She said her fierce protection was something we’d only understand when we became mothers ourselves – perhaps that is true. 

 

However, as time went on and we understood our mum’s growing fragility, we too stepped into a more protective role, that perhaps only children in our position would understand – we don’t know for sure. Eventually, simple things such as birthday parties became hazardous as they opened the risk of Mum becoming neutropenic with her compromised immune system. 

 

We miss our mum every single day and there is so much we have not been able to share with her over the last 18 months. Yet, with the current world events that are unravelling, quietly, we have both admitted to thinking “Thank goodness Mummy isn’t here to see this”. For the pair of us, this thought hasimmediately been silenced by shock, guilt and self-judgement: “I can’t believe I just thought that”. And it took a while for both of us to open up to one another to talk about this guilt. We were afraid to voice this utterly shocking feeling; about someone you physically ache to see again.

 

The fact that we can miss someone so much, but not want them to be here to bear witness to all the wrong in the world, is an unexplainable feeling. When we were early on in our grief, we thought it unthinkable when a counsellor told us we will one day consider that our mum is ‘safe’.

 

Well, we guess we are finally there. Mum cannot be touched or hurt anymore; and she is more protected than we could ever make her. We “thank goodness” that our mum is safe now and she does not need to worry about delayed chemotherapy treatment due to Corona Virus, or what we’d do if she needs to go into hospital. 

 

It is a conflicting emotion for us as this fear no longer lingersabove us. Yet, we still cry for the families who are living through it. 

 

Underneath everything, we know, no matter how far we come, all we will ever want is a cuddle from our mum, to be told this will all pass, and we will be okay. Isn’t that all anyone ever wants?

 

Go gently, 

 

Katie & Evee

66 thoughts on “Judging yourself through your grief”

  2. I perfectly understand that feeling because I felt it too. When this pandemic got into my state, I was grateful that my mum is not here to witness it, especially because she is a nurse. Light and love.

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  3. Yes, I think all of us ultimately just want a cuddle and to be reassured that everything will be okay.
    Thank you for sharing your feelings. Though I’ve not lost someone close to me, I have had severe losses and the guilty feelings for being happy or in your case, being glad she doesn’t have to witness the ugliness, can be awful. Awful but normal. Thank you for sharing your feelings!!

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  4. this post touched me deeply and I have similar feelings regarding my father who passed away too early. But these days I am glad too that he doesn’t have to experience it. The grief will never really go away but its face may change over time. Seeing something positive in the situation as both do is the first sign of a change of that face.

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  5. Thank you again for allowing us to post on your blog. We love blogging and it means so much to us to be part of this community.

    We are really proud to say that we have also shared one of Gary’s posts, it’s beautifully written. Make sure you take a look 🙂

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    2. Dear Katie and Evee as well as Gary (bereavedandbeingasingleparent),

      Your post indeed made me very emotional and teary. It has caused me to miss my late mother, whose life has been commemorated and immortalized by the special multimedia eulogy-cum-memoir-cum-biography entitled “Khai & Khim: For Always and Beyond Goodbye”, which has since become a great deal longer and even more comprehensive, intimate and personal than it was. The said post also contains my musical compositions dedicated to my mother, and it is available at https://soundeagle.wordpress.com/2019/08/31/khai-khim-for-always-and-beyond-goodbye/

      The said post is best viewed on a large screen of a desktop or laptop computer, since it could be too powerful and feature-rich for iPad, iPhone, tablet or other portable devices to handle properly or adequately.

      How I miss my mother! I have had to contained my emotions and composed myself before I could type out my comment here, and so I took the opportunity to read others’ comments left on your post. Thank you for your very touching post. I also have had the same or similar thoughts that if my mum were still alive, it would be very difficult for me to keep her safe from the caronavirus without compromising her quality of life as well as our closeness.

      By the way, the spellchecker of my web browser insists that “caronavirus” should be spelt as “carnivorous”!

      I would like to wish you and your respective families a very HAPPY MAY in Yorkshire!

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  8. I lost my mom last August and Cancer was just one of the health battles she was fighting… and I’ve had the same thoughts about her, and my husband who passed last May. CoVID19 would have been disastrous for them both and with their weakened immune systems they wouldn’t have stood a chance. I have a cousin in Tennessee who’s recovering from the virus and he said there were several times he thought he was dying… and he was in GOOD health before the virus struck.

    So while it still causes me pain they’re not here, I’m glad they’re at peace and not living through this nightmare… because they wouldn’t.

    Thank you for sharing your grief journey.

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  11. Such conflicting emotions as we wade our way through grief and yet, it all works towards acceptance and peace. At this time, I’ve often thought that I’m glad my parents are no longer here to have to go through it. Yes, they’re safe. A beautiful post, thank you.

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  13. Very touching. I’ve actually thought of friends who died recently and had that same feeling of relief that they do not have to suffer this. No one wants someone they love to suffer, especially someone as special as your Mum obviously was to you. Just remember she will always be in your hearts.

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  15. Beautifully written post. I’ve experienced a lot of loss in my relatively short life (both grandparents, my dad, my sister, my adopted sister and her son, etc.) and I can certainly relate to these emotions, thoughts, and feelings.

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  17. What a moving post that brought a tear. I understand how conflicted you both feel by saying that you’re thankful Mum isn’t here in Covid times. I have thought the same about my parents who passed away in 2012 and 2017. So, I have whispered that I am grateful they are not here to experience this. We would only worry about their health and safety. They lived through WWII and that was enough. Anyway, thank you for sharing your feelings. A lovely and heart-tugging post.
    ~Lauren

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  20. I can relate. Even being the age, I am I miss my parents who passed within a yr of one another, and at the time my father passed he only had 6 months with my daughter. You never stop missing them.

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      5. Oy. I know what you mean. Every state’s different, and our state’s got such a tangle. Just trying to find out about which playground I can take the kids to without fear of getting ticketed is a big pain in the a**. But we do our best, right? Hope you’re well.

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