Tired bread

The snow has gone but it’s still cold. It’s rush hour again here…..

In the Black Friday sales I bought a bread maker. I had just been looking for a couple of new loaf tins. It was a rush of blood. Thankfully a much cheaper rush of blood than it could have been. So far so good. Much easier and much much easier. Almost fool proof…….

It’s been a tired day today. Hawklad is tired of school, I’m just tired today. Shall I show you just how tired, tired is. I present to you Exhibit A. It’s a delicious and wholesome traditional French herbal loaf…..

That’s what a traditional loaf looks like when you don’t add any WATER. As the faint sweet slightly burnt smell filled the house my brain pondered what that could mean. My bread never messes up these days, certainly not with my bullet proof machine. Maybe it just means a slightly more crusty loaf. Maybe it’s just the herbs infusing the dough. At no stage did the tired brain think ‘Huston we might have a problem here…..’. At no stage did the brain encourage this Muppet to get up and check upon the baking disaster unfolding in the bread maker……

That’s tired or it’s just me……

Cobwebs

It’s that autumnal time of year for cobwebs. The local world is covered in them. Definitely another great reason to go outside. That one is almost good enough to play tennis with.

If only the cobwebs didn’t extend to my brain…..

Trying to show Hawklad how you work this little beauty out.

If 9 grams of water is decomposed, how many grams of oxygen and hydrogen are obtained?

If only it was just this one question. Another 30 questions of increasingly fiendish difficulty are facing Hawklad. As his science expert (🥸🥸🥸🤪🤪🤪) it was my job to explain that to him. Oh the brain cobwebs. That part of my brain has been much neglected over the many years since leaving university. Strangely no cobwebs in the parts of the brain that could answer questions like

Who won the FACUP in 1955?

Who played the hero scientist in Quatermass and the Pit?

Name all the characters in The Penguins of Madagascar?

Recite every word from The Dead Parrot sketch?

But sadly chemistry has much cobwebbing for some peculiar reason. So after 90 minutes of mental short circuiting I asked the next question with some trepidation.

What’s the next lesson?

Its History Dad. All about the 1542 Witchcraft Act.

Oooohhhhh. #@##%##@…..

It’s ok Dad, we have unbelievably done that before. I’m good on that. You can stand down for 90 minutes and have a rest.

The 1542 Witchcraft Act is clearly a horrible moment in our history but I get a rest, so for one day only, it’s gone up in my estimation. Does that make me a bad parent…….

Cat meets Adriene

Too dark inside and out for the old iPhone camera, it did its best…..

Rain, rain, rain with some added rain today.

Roads starting to become streams.

After a super wet walk it’s time for most definitely indoor exercise. Time for yoga. But as I have shown you before indoor, yoga, a yoga mat and a big boy cat don’t really go well together.

First of all, how can one cat take up the whole mat. Second how am I supposed to perform any sort of balletic move with that fella between my legs…..

But today that feline apex predator was distracted. His focus drifted from the ‘funny chubby chap who feeds me’ to the yoga instructor on the iPad. That was it, he was hooked. I think the boy cat likes Adriene. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Fashion

It was time to go through the wardrobe. Summer out, Winter in. These days Autumn and Spring just count as an unwanted extension to Winter. In come the jumpers, out goes the T-shirts.

With Hawklad it’s straight forward, all his summer clothes can go to the charity shop. They won’t fit him next year. Then to the shop and buy this years winter clothes as last years don’t fit him…… Expensive but straightforward. He is taller than me so I suppose I could have his cast offs as ‘hand me downs’ but

….. I’m not cool enough to wear his clothes.

….. He’s long and thin, I’m NOT….. Imagine The Hulk busting out of his stuff.

My wardrobe is not so straightforward. I wear last years clothes (and the year before that , and the year before that). The record is a purple climbing waterproof jacket which is over 30 years old…. The complications are fourfold with this approach.

One….. having to find somewhere to put the summer stuff so it doesn’t become cat bedding.

Two…. does it still fit. Reassuringly it did. Hang on, is that a good thing. Does that not just confirm that I’m the same wrong shape I was last year. That’s out of shape……😂😂😂😂😂

Three….. has it become that worn with age that unfortunate passerby’s can see through my clothes. I wouldn’t wish that horror on anyone, even Bono.

Four….. stress testing. Can the year older clothes still withstand the immense pressures my body puts stitches under these days. I would hate to be the cause of an international incident.

You notice fashion is not a factor. When you look like me then you can safely wait for my clothes to come back into fashion one year. I still have hopes for my pink leg warmers…….

Fuel

My Dad always told me that you should always leave fallen fruit on the ground as that is what happens and it’s what’s best for nature. The only exception would be if the fruit landed on a cricket pitch. The pesky fruit should be immediately removed and the precious pitch should be immediately hoovered and ironed. Clearly cricket comes before nature. This is Yorkshire….

As our garden is nothing like an immaculately cut cricket strip then fruit is left on the ground. Clearly this is what’s best.

This weeks feels like an ‘enjoy the garden’ type of week.

It feels like another self imposed lockdown here in our little part of the world. Reports of petrol stations in the area out of fuel or when they do get a deliver, huge queues immediately forming. Tanker drivers are reporting being followed by cars waiting for them to deliver somewhere. I thought this was supposed to be a proud country seizing back control rather than a madhouse careering out of control from crisis to crisis.

Anyway we don’t need to go anywhere. Hawklad and I can both work from home. We can ration our trips out. We can put on hold the trips we had in mind to aid Hawklad’s bridge building process. A food delivery can be arranged. Let’s leave what fuel has made it to the pumps to those who really need it the most.

Hardly any traffic on our road today. Strange that…. Good day for the police to turn up to do speed checks. I think we clocked up about 4mph as we walked past the bored officer. 30 minutes later he had given up any pretence of working and was reading what appeared to be a magazine about Fishing.

Everyone from work is working from home. Many don’t have enough fuel to get to where they are supposed to get to. Accept one brave person who was going to bike to work – not so brave in reality, it materialises that he had in fact sold his only bike 10 years ago.

We we’re due a home service visit but that’s been cancelled as the van had ran out of fuel. Quite apt as the service was on our home fuel tank.

Maybe the lack of fuel explains the silence from school. Absolutely no work. No emails. Nothing. Could school have run out of petrol as well.

It’s a mad old world.

Monday Mornings are a pain

The farm fields are now ploughed. The Autumn School Term has started. So the early alarm calls have heralded even less sleep. Another week of school at home. I had forgotten the frustrations. Hawklad hanging around for stuff to do. The time lost searching for files and waiting for teachers to respond to queries. Trying to find the right colour pen and then one that actually works. Trying to filter out areas that might spike Hawklad’s anxieties. Then watching the online system and Microsoft Teams crash.

Oh how have we missed this….

I needed to de-stress. So it’s time for MINDFULNESS. Somedays it’s works, other days not so. Today’s free mediation video was different. Lie down on the floor. Relax the body. Clear the mind. Slow the breathing down. So far so good. But then the slightly intimidating Hannibal Lector voice tells me to focus on my right foot – how does it feel. Then my right leg. Then my left leg. How is my abdomen feeling. Then my tummy. What are they feeling, what is the sensation. Then my back, my chest, my shoulders, my arms, my hands. Finally my mouth, my nose, my ears my eyes and the top of my head. I should be calm and relaxed now. Well that’s what Hannibal said….

Well to me not so. I remembered stubbing my toe, my toe hurts. I remembered my knee I had overstretched during that morning weight training session. I felt my IBS playing up, I noticed by tummy feeling bloated. My back was definitely stiff. My left shoulder which has been dislocated several times was sore. I could feel the finger I had burnt cooking, I could feel the paper cut on my thumb. I found an annoying bit of food between my teeth. My ear was itchy. AND my left buttock had gone to sleep on the hard floor. Basically my body hurts, pointing that out Hannibal, how is that supposed to relax me. Seriously.

Yes Mondays are painful.

Warning

No contact from school again about Hawklad. Now one day from what is supposed to be his return. No plans in place. No discussions. Not impressed. Very unsettling. Change subject before rant starts.

There aren’t many things more unsettling to me than when I’m are happily driving along a road and an approaching car flashes their headlights at me. Or someone puts there hazard warning lights on randomly as you drive past them. Especially when you can’t figure out why. I’m I even the target of that, is it aimed at someone else, was it mistaken identity, was it an accident. What’s wrong. Is my petrol cap open. Is a police speed camera just round the corner. Is there a giant dinosaur waiting to pounce behind those approaching traffic lights.

The uncertainty just unsettles me.

Well I have the solution. It’s my one big invention. My route to fame and fortune.

All cars should be installed with a special keyboard on the steering wheel. The keyboard will have large keys you can press in those light flashing moments. Rather than just randomly sending out a vague message to the approaching car, a giant lcd screen on the front of the car (so large that it partly obstructs the windscreen) will display a detailed warning message. These can be preprogrammed. No confusing henceforth. For example my available warning light options would be

* Children next to road…..

* Animals on the road…..

* The road surface is dangerous…..

* Warning, The Cops……

* Hi Sister, have you been shopping…..

* Your driving like a moron…..

* Your car is falling to bits……

* Get your Mobile out, Pokemon nearby ready to be caught……

* Put your Mobile down you numpty…….

* Turn your Full Beam headlights off you selfish lemon……

* It would be so nice if you wouldn’t mind getting back on your side of the road…..

* Ha Ha Your missing a once in a lifetime sunset behind you….

* Turn your music down your not at a Metallica Concert……

* Stop looking at that bird in the sky, YOUR supposed to be driving……

* UFO sighted, danger of alien abductions……..

Well I think it’s a great idea. That’s distracted me. Sometimes even parents need a distraction….

Hay

The farmer has been busy…..

But one question. Why is this one all alone…..

No one likes to be the odd one out. Or is it in the ‘roll down the hill competition’ one clever hay bale has picked the better racing line. I certainly would need a mighty fine racing line to win any race. The pinnacle of my athletics career was at school. For some reason in the inter schools tournament I had been picked for three events.

Cross Country – that was purely on the basis that in the school trials most of the other boys absconded just after the start and headed for the sea front amusements. I didn’t abscond but I did manage to get lost. However that feat still got me a place on the team as unbelievably getting lost still got me third place. Yes it was a rough school…..

Shot Put – I was the sole representative from the school as I was the only boy apparently trusted to not use the heavy ball as a weapon…..

And then there was the 100 yard sprint (not metres as the caretaker didn’t have a metric measuring tape). Can’t remember what possessed the teacher to pick me as I have the acceleration of a sleeping snail who has been superglued to the floor. We practiced starts and I remember the teacher screaming at us to remember to ‘GO on the B of the Bang from the starter gun’. I never found out how the school got hold of a gun – I assume it was confiscated from a pupil…… The three boy sprint team became a finely drilled starting unit. Unfortunately on the day of the school tournament, the sprint was started with a whistle and us three boys just stood there like lemons as the competitors from other schools raced across the finishing line.

At least I was not stood alone ….

AND I’m not alone as a single parent. Currently there is something like 2.8 million other single parents in the UK. I’m also not alone in being a widow. 6.4% of the UK population are widowed.

It’s Yorkshire time again

It was only a matter of time. Somethings are set in stone. They just must happen.

So the Olympics is on. It just needs a major international sporting event to take place and the inevitable happens. Anyone with Yorkshire DNA immediately can only utter the following words for at least to weeks…

“See what would happen if Yorkshire was a country. We would show them….”

So here is the current Olympic Medals Table !!!!! The ‘reet properrr’ one.

Delivery

Don’t you just love Amazon. I bought a repair kit for our paddling pool and a replacement electric pump. It’s one of those pools that would take at least a decade to partially inflate if I tried old school. So with a mini heatwave hitting this weekend, I ordered in plenty of time. The items arriving from the same supplier on Wednesday. Wednesday arrived and the repair kit arrived but no pump. The order now showing delivery on Thursday. Thursday came and went…..

The order now showing that the pump was at an incorrect carrier facility. It had been at our local facility with the repair kit but had somehow found it’s way to one 150 miles away. On Friday the pump had moved, further away. Now 200 miles away but delivery was still expected on Thursday……. But hope was there. It was now in transit again…

So where are we now. Its Sunday and the pump is NOT HERE. It did make its way back to our local facility. Briefly. It is now not even in England…. It’s mystery bus ride has taken it to Scotland. But again there is hope 😂😂😂😂